The Bucket List

Hope you all had a lovely Christmas, guys! Mine was good, tempered slightly by the fact that our internet went down on Boxing Day and has only just returned this morning (29th Dec). Virgin Media, get the fuck out.

Also over the Christmas period, my letter criticising Val Duncan made it into The Sloppy Star (see previous blog entries) and her response followed a few days later. It was awful nonsensical bullshit, and hopefully I'll get round to posting about it in a few days time (providing Mother doesn't throw the paper away first). However, because the New Year is rapidly approaching, it's time to play a game that my influential Uncle (he who told me about Edward Woodward / Ewar Woowar) taught me. It's macabre, and it's a bit naughty, so if you are offended - please, fuck off now.

Every year, "famous" people die. This is naturally unfortunate, but a very British sense of dark humour seems to dictate that we cope with this sad news by thinking up jokes about the deceased. I'm not too sure why, but there we go. The Bucket List Game is a slight variation on this morbid thinking, and goes along something like this:

1. Each player can pick up to, and including, 5 celebrities who they think will "peg it" between 1st January - 31st December 2011.
2. The game is played based on GMT. Therefore, a death recorded at 00:37 GMT time (1/1/2012) and 19:37 EST time (31/12/2011) will NOT count.
3. Players must not pick a celebrity who is known to have a terminal illness at the time. This is cheating.
4. Players must NOT pick the same celebrity on CONSECUTIVE years. If you're playing the game for the first time on the basis of this blog post, this rule won't apply to you.
5. Picks are not exclusive to a single player. Multiple/all players having the same celebrity is within the rules.
6. There will not be a prize for the winner. That's a little too macabre. There will however be acclaim from your fellow players. Which leads me onto...

It's 13:00 on December 29th, which means for the 2010 Bucket List Game, there are mere hours left in the game. Let's take a moment then to look at the scores currently:

Ewar (for it is me) - ONE point (1)

Dan - NO points (0)

G - NO points (0)

Cash - NO points (0)

Unless things change dramatically in the hours remaining, I win! Because I'm great. God bless, Norman Wisdom. God bless and good speed.

If you'd like to play this upcoming year, get in touch. Blog comment, e-mail, tweet, smoke signal....I'm very contactable. We're all going to have Thatcher on our lists, aren't we?

Ewar's Guide to Christmas

Hello all. I appreciate this is late (I am typing this on the 21st Dec) but I thought I'd give you a quick run-down of what to do/what not to do this Christmas. I'm delighted to say that I have a diverse array of hardcore readers to this blog - lovely ladies, West Brom fans, Americans, Twitter friends and hardcore Socialists - so I'll try and cater for as many of you as I can. Let's have it then:

1) When shopping, be prepared.

Seriously. If you're going into, say, a shopping centre, have a list just like you would if you were going to the supermarket. As my father and Roy Keane like to say - "fail to prepare, and prepare to fail". A list will help you to pinpoint the exact stores you need to go to, thus saving you time and energy, and also reduces the chances of an impatient person such as myself wanting to behead you when you wander around aimlessly, dawdling with a glazed look in your eyes. Of course, a list written by another person, when you're looking for presents, is also a good idea as it eliminates the chances of giving someone a crappy present. Which leads me onto....

2) Try to avoid gift cards.

I could write an essay on why gift cards are very sneaky and naughty, but let's stay on theme. For someone you don't know brilliantly well - a colleague, a distant family member who's managed to invite himself round for dinner - a gift card is not a bad choice as such. However for others who are closer to you, it smacks of laziness. If you are going to purchase one, do try to tailor it for the person in question.

For my birthday my sister got me an iTunes gift card, which was bloody brilliant as I could use it not just for music but for other downloads, including apps that aren't free. Brilliant. My sister used her brain - it was a simple present, but a smart one. If you know someone who LOVES shopping in, say, Game, go for a Game gift card. However if their purchasing habits are broader - say they like buying books, but for the cheapest price and they don't have any particular brand loyalty - don't get them a Waterstones gift card, but a more general book one that can be used in any good bookshop.

3) Think on your feet. Especially when queuing.

The other day I went to Greggs for some lovely saturated fat for my lunch. Naturally, there was a queue, so whilst I waited in line I decided to be proactive. I took out £2 of my wallet. I looked at the prices, and realised I could afford a steak bake and a can of Coke. Once I got to the front of the queue, the conversation went thus:

Lady: Next please.
Ewar (for it is me): A steak bake please.
Lady: Anything else love?
Ewar: Can of Coke please.
Lady: That will be £1.80 please.

I thus handed over my £2, I got my 20p change and I exited. This whole exchange took...at the very most 30 seconds.

Now, that may all sound very basic and slightly patronising, but clearly the woman in front of me needs to be informed of this etiquette. I'm not being funny, but waiting until you are being served to decide what you want, and then looking shocked at the revelation that you actually have to pay for what you want is a bit of a twat's trick. I try and take the shortest amount of time, not just for myself, but for the others behind me. "Think On!" as that ex-copper in I'm Alan Partridge liked to say.

4) It's Christmas Day, and the key here is to pace yourself. Quite simply, it is a rookie mistake to stuff yourself with the main meal itself. Why? It's not going anywhere. Tomorrow, you can have sandwiches with the turkey, you can make strangely nice Bubble and Squeak with the leftover veg and the mini sausages with bacon go down nicely on their own.

So, chill out. Take your time. After the main meal you might have pudding. You might have cake. You might have pudding wine. You might have chocolates. You might have mince pies. Whatever you have, the key is to be prudent. Like I said, it will be there for days to come, there's no rush. Making yourself feel poorly on Christmas Day due to over-eating is so last decade. However....

5) Stock up on toilet paper.

You know?

6) There won't be anything good on TV. There just won't. So instead of moaning about it, indulge in some family time instead. Play a board game, or play cards. Let's be honest, in this day and age, if there really is something you want to watch, you can always record it. You're not doing anything on Boxing Day anyway, let's be honest. Talk to your elder relatives. Yes, they'll bore you, and yes, they smell of sprouts, but you'll miss them when they've gone.

Maybe.

7) Be nice! No-one wants an argument over Christmas. Admittedly, it may be fun at the time, but you'll spend the rest of the year reflecting on it. Be patient and tolerant - if it's because of "not sure if welcome" family members - it is only for one day and one meal, after all.

8) Make sure you listen to "Driving Home For Christmas" by Chris Rea at least once. A finer Christmas record there never has been, nor will there ever be.

9) Make sure you wear the paper hat from your cracker when eating the main meal. And, yes, the little gifts in the crackers are shit. Deal with it.

10) Have a Merry bloody Christmas.

Stop! Reading Time!

I've mentioned before on this blog about my book-buying addiction. Quite simply, it needs to stop. Earlier, the car pulled up outside, and as the man got The Book People box out of his car, I literally squealed for joy. This isn't healthy.

Nor is it helpful, as none of the books you are about to see are ones I need to read for university. They are here simply because I like reading. There's no shame in that, of course, but after opening the box, and adding it's contents to the books I already own but haven't read yet, it did flicker through my mind that maybe this is a little shameful:

December 13th

Last Thursday I was sitting in the hall of my brother's Primary school trying to watch a Nativity play, but my mind was elsewhere. At that exact same time, amidst all the chaos, the protests and the rioting, the University funding vote was happening down in Westminster. As well as that, someone told Dan that a uni assignment was due in - not for the middle of January as previously thought - but for the very next day, resulting in a MMS conversation riddled with confusion, apprehension and copious amounts of blue language. After sending another panicky text, I looked up to the stage to see my brother hand a gold box to Mary, speak his line and then turn to give me the thumbs up. I was very proud, but it got me thinking.

My brother, and all those other children on that stage, don't know what tuition fees are. They don't know where Afghanistan is, they weren't born when September 11th happened, they don't know about all the hate and awful things that exist in the world, and they don't have any real responsibilities, bar going to school every weekday.

It's impossible of course, but part of me yearns to go back to my childhood. When it's football every lunchtime, where there's no exams, no worries about girls or money, where it's packed lunches, and cartoons, and spaghetti hoops for tea and Gerry Anderson programmes, where it's a good nights sleep every night and Saturday evening TV was great. It's Sharpe, Cantona and Schmeichel.

The funny thing is, the other part of me likes this age right now. Where it's fantastic games consoles, it's alcohol, it's having money, and freedom. It's knowledge, it's fantastic literature, gigs and adult humour. Where it's David Attenborough programmes, smart phones, Sky TV, HD TV, 3D TV. It's Evra, Nani and Rooney.

Perhaps it's too easy to reminisce. Too easy to look back and say "Everything was so much better then!". There's only so many episodes of Captain Scarlet I could watch, after all. Perhaps in life, we should never look back - only forwards, with occasional glances sideways. Or perhaps the great golfer Walter Hagen was right, when he said:

You're only here for a short visit. Don't hurry. Don't worry. And be sure to smell the flowers along the way.

I don't know. What I do know however is that this blog entry has turned into an episode of The Wonder Years, it's 2am, I've drunk far too much sherry and I really need to stop this shit and go to bed. Oh, and it's my birthday. Happy birthday, me.

Sloppy Sloppy Goodness

It's The Sloppy Star. It's Val Duncan from Telford. You know the drill.

A nationwide vote will be held if there is another European treaty, ministers have vowed.


Interesting. Well, thanks for that Val. Have a lovely Christmas, won't you?

Do they think we fell off a Christmas tree?


I very much doubt it, Val. Mainly because I can't think of one single occasion - real or fictional - where someone has fallen off a Christmas tree. Generally, it doesn't really tend to happen. Don't get me wrong- judging by the shit you write into the letters pages with every so often, there's a good chance you have suffered some kind of injury to the brain. Nevertheless, did it occur after falling off a Christmas tree? Not likely, know what I'm saying?

That would make a good episode of Corrie, though. Fuck tram crashes.

Do they think we don't know the Lisbon Treaty is self-amending?


Yes, did you not hear about this? An interesting new concept, where a written treaty amends itself. Yeah, it's clever like that. Think they borrowed the idea from Harry Potter, and then a team of nerds spent a year devising it. Pretty much like how my laptop automatically updates itself.

Are we not aware that the EU will take bits of power time after time until they get all they want?


Val's next paragraph may just be one of my favourite things ever written. Honestly. It is magnificent.


Then they can split our country into regions with a number already registered. England will probably become part of France under French rule.


Wow - and I mean that.

I've just sat here for 5 minutes pondering how to tackle this. I'm still not too sure, however what I will do is make an open appeal to the person who edits The Slop's letters page, right now:

Sir,

I honestly think Val Duncan is mentally ill. For proof, please see the paragraph above. May I request that you seriously re-consider publishing her letters in the future? It is only embarrassing her family.

Kind regards,

Ewar

For pity's sake stop thinking you are all so clever and everyone believes you...because they don't.


End of letter. Another classic, Val.

HOWEVER.

I have a problem here, Val. Because in a previous letter you wrote into The Slop, you said, AND I QUOTE, this:

"By this time next year there will probably not be a Westminster Parliament or any need for one."


How do I know you said this Val? Because I wrote a blog post, just like this one, about your letter from which that paragraph came from. Said blog post can be found here:

http://theriseandriseoftimlovejoy.blogspot.com/2009/08/sorry-mr-anonymous.html

When did I write that blog entry? Why, it appears to be Sunday, 23rd August 2009. Which, by my basic maths, means your statement of:

"By this time next year there will probably not be a Westminster Parliament or any need for one."


is wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. Which is why, Val, as soon as I finish this blog entry, I will be e-mailing in a letter of my own to The Shropshire Star. Will they print it? I don't know. Probably not. But just in case they don't, here's the gist of my letter:

Now that I've proved that you are WRONG, I want a public apology, particularly for anyone who was naive enough to be misled by your outlandish statement. Also, now that everyone can see you are WRONG, I ask that you stop embarrassing yourself. Stop writing in with these ridiculous letters which the majority of people point at and laugh, and do something else instead. That is all.

Hear that sound, Val? That's the sound of a gauntlet being thrown down, love.

Bad News Bears

Oh dear. I know I shouldn't, I really do. But I have. It's an inexcusable crime for someone as world-weary and cynical as me, but as I'm tired I've left my guard slip a little, and they've got to me.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1335406/The-Saturdays-make-glum-departure-Heathrow.html

Yes, The Daily Mail has annoyed me. I know, I know. Oh Lord, I KNOW! I also know that ranting about that organ on the internet is not very original and you've seen it all before. But, fuck it. Let's analyse this shit!

The short days and bitter cold weather has had a lot of people down in the dumps.

So it is not surprising that girl band The Saturdays looked a little sour this morning as they arrived at Heathrow this morning in the early hours.

A little sour. You read that girls? You bunch of utter bitches. Sour. I don't know about you, but when I clicked on that link, and saw Rochelle, the glass of milk beside me literally curdled.

The singers were far from their usual bubbly selves as they made their way through the airport to catch their morning flight to Glasgow.

All five of them appeared decidedly glum as they arrived at the terminal wrapped up warm against the freezing pre-dawn chill.

Eagle-eyed readers will have noticed the conclusion of that sentence there. "The freezing pre-dawn chill." Now, I'm not being funny, but this all happened this morning (Friday 3rd December 2010). This morning, I wasn't too chuffed at getting up at 7:30am to take my brother to school. In the car at 8am it said that the temperature outside was -5c, so you can imagine what the temperature was like a few hours earlier. At an airport, places I've always found to be notoriously cold. The girls look a little glum? It's not really ridiculously shocking that, is it?

Rochelle Wiseman complained about her early morning wake-up call to followers on Twitter the night before.

'My alarm is set for 4.15am *unimpressed face* do I go to sleep or stay up?!' she wrote.

I wouldn't say that was "complaining" as such. What I would say to Rochelle is to try and get some sleep. Four hours sounds nothing but sleep works in patterns of four hour cycles, so having a little kip is a bajillion times more beneficial for you than not sleeping. Oh, wait, this is in the past. Still, remember that for next time kids! And you Rochelle! Now, onto the boring fashion stuff.

The 21-year-old was well prepared for the cold weather in a striped knitted jumper, leather and shearling vest, and carrying an extra overcoat on her arm. She managed to dress for both warmth and style though, adding high heel boots and a leopard print scarf to the ensemble.

Mollie King, 23, wore a knee-length military coat over stockings and a Russian-style fur hat for the flight. She added extra warm shearling-lined gloves and a pair of on-trend heeled Nitkowski boots from Aldo. Una Healy hid her tired eyes behind large sunglasses, and also managed to combine comfort and fashion with a pair of bedazzled Ugg boots. The 29-year-old redhead wore a butterfly-print T-shirt over leggings and a leather jacket. Baby of the group Vanessa White looked to be the most put-out by the early start. The singer, who recently turned 21, looked miserable as she arrived for the flight north. Wearing a belted tan coat with black trousers, platforms and a knit scarf, Vanessa hauled a large polka dot overnight bag.

Rising before dawn to deal with queues, security checks and custom officers at the airport is not many people's cup of tea.

It isn't, no. Correct. Well done. So therefore you've just undermined your whole article. The Saturdays are humans, just like the rest of us. I think you've just realised yourself how cretinous it is to blame a group of people for looking ever so slightly glum about a flight at 5am when it's about fucking -10c outside.

But it is hard to feel sorry for the celebrities, who would have skipped the uncomfortable waiting areas and lengthy lines.


Sorry, I forgot. They control the weather. They control the clock. How could I be so fucking stupid? I'll talk about The Sats a bit more in a minute, because I notice you've plumped for the old "they earn shitloads don't feel sorry for them" line. Oh, don't worry. I'll get to that.

In fact, Rochelle soon seemed to cheer up once she had checked in, and found time for a bit of shopping with band mate Vanessa.

The singer tweeted: 'Airport shopping is DANGEROUS!!!!!' 

'Thanks to everyone at REISS for looking after @vanessawhite and I this morning xx'

Mollie King appeared to be on hand for some retail advise, adding: 'I've been with two deliberating Sats this morning and they both went for it in the end woohooooo!'

Young woman in shopping shocker! And whilst I'm here, I find this new trick from journalists - throwing in tweets from the celeb in question or "ordinary folk" about the celebrity - is just really, really shit. I understand they have word limits to hit and it's a fantastic filler, but in respect to proper journalism it's proper shit. Yes, I know, I know, it's a stupid piece for a stupid paper, but could they not at least pretend to be at least trying?

The girls were back on the social networking site upon landing in Scotland, with Rochelle writing on her page: 'I thought I saw snow...and then I landed in Glasgow.. Lordy.' Frankie Sandford added: 'Landed in the north pole! Brrrrr.'

Yes, you see, what is this? This is nothing. If I wrote this in an essay, I'd be fucking crucified. Voley would probably quite literally castrate me.

Despite the girls thinking they had arrived in colder temperatures, Glasgow actually had a warmer forecast today than London.

The Scottish city was expecting temperatures of 1c, while London got down to -4c.

The girls were far more upbeat when the performed onstage at the Key103 Jingle Bell Ball in Manchester on Wednesday night in little sequined dresses.

Of course they were.


Their trip North will be fleeting, as they are due back in London in time for the London Jingle Bell Ball, thrown by Capital FM, on Sunday night.

And this is where I want to talk a little bit about The Saturdays. You see there was a show on ITV2 a month or two back entitled 'The Saturdays 24:7". It did what it says on the tin - it followed the band members around all day every day for about a month or so and filmed the "interesting" bits. It wasn't very good, but the one thing that struck me was just how hard those girls work. Early morning wake up calls are the norm, as are hotel rooms. They spend so much time travelling - performing at a concert before driving a few hours to the next one is common. When they have a single/album out, it's non-stop promotion. A meet and greet with fans, then off to a shopping centre to sign about 500 CDs, then off to a nightclub to perform their new single. Next day, about 10 radio interviews - where you answer the same questions over and over and over - and then some more performances. During the week, TV - where you answer the same questions over and over and over- and other media obligations. Not feeling well? Tough shit. Get out there and dance your heart out - record company want this single to be in the Top 5 in the charts this week, otherwise you're done. And so on and so forth.


Don't get me wrong. They are/will be very rich girls, their "job" is something which billions of girls dream about doing and they seem to be having the time of their lives. Deep down they probably know it won't last much longer, so they're enjoying it whilst they can. Let it be made loud and clear that my heart hardly bleeds for them, and I certainly don't feel "sorry" for them, but it annoys me when the tabloids go down this road.


For me, there's a bigger issue here. When my Dad was young (a long time ago, admittedly) newspapers were vitally important as they were the main source of news. There were good papers and shit papers back then as well, but they gave you the news nevertheless. Nowadays, they don't. Where do you get your news from? Your computer. Your iPhone app. Ceefax. 24 hour rolling news channels. Pretty much from anywhere except from newspapers published the next day. So the newspapers had to adapt, in order to survive. Nowadays in your newspaper it largely isn't news. It's political bias, it's opinion, it's scandal, it's speculation and rumour, and it's largely crap like "Some girls aren't jumping for joy at getting on a plane at 5am when it's about -10c, but we paid people to take their photos at their time so here's a fucking stupid article to make them pretend that their jobs are worthwhile."


The sad fact though is that people seem to lap this shit up. We've become Americanised in regards to "celebrity". We've become a nation where the paps have to take a photograph of an actress as she does her weekly shop, or a footballer fills up his car at the petrol station. A nation where celebrities have to play the media game. To become friendly with slimes like Piers Moron and Richard Desmond, so that they'll get positive press and their wrongdoings won't be published before they can take out a super-injunction. A nation where one man influences so many others in regards to who they should vote for, and the really hilarious thing is that he's Australian.

Do you have a story about a celebrity? Call the Daily Mail showbusiness desk on 0207 938 6364 or 0207 938 6683.

I've been trying to think of a way to wrap up this blog entry, but I've realised that Neil Hannon says it better than I ever could. We've entered Generation Sex, and we can never get out:

"Lovers watch their backs

As hacks

In macs

Take snaps

Through telephoto lenses

Chase Mercedes

Benzes through the

night

A mourning nation weeps

And wails

But keeps

The sales

Of evil tabloids healthy

The poor protect

the wealthy in

this world

Generation sex

Injects

The sperm

Of worms

Into the eggs of field mice

So you can look

real nice for the

boys

And generation sex

Is me

And you

And we

Should really all

know better"

Three Cheers for Pixar

Hallo again all.

To be perfectly honest, I was going to blog about that arse Gillian McKeith today, but just as I was loading up Blogger something on Twitter caught my eye.

I'm not gay, unsurprisingly for someone who thinks about women 99% of the day, but I think we're all aware - whatever sexuality we are - that "coming out" must be an unbelievably hard thing to do, and an incredibly brave thing to do as well. Sadly there's still a culture of homophobia and un-acceptance that surrounds homosexual people. Just look at professional football in this country, where (to my knowledge) there is precisely zero openly gay footballers playing at the moment. The only one I can think of from the past, Justin Fashanu, hanged himself after being wrongly accused of sexual assault and disowned by his brother for the crime of being homosexual.

The good people at Pixar have made a short video, in an attempt to change attitudes around the world. It's not much, but at just 8 minutes long it's worth a watch:

Children in Need 2010 Live-Blog Spectacular!

15:38 Hello, good evening, and welcome. Well, won't this be exciting?

15:40 It is of course Children in Need night, so whilst I'm here, and we're at the top of the page, here's the boring stuff:

Donate here - http://www.bbc.co.uk/pudsey/donate/
Follow Pudsey on Facebook here - http://www.facebook.com/pages/Pudsey-Bear/14043714875
Follow Pudsey on Twitter here - http://twitter.com/pudseybear
Online Pudsey ears or something I don't know here - http://www.pudseyears.co.uk/
Children in Need in your area here - http://www.bbc.co.uk/pudsey/news/map.shtml

That will do for now, eh?

15:46 Don't live in the UK? Incredibly young? An illegal immigrant? Don't own a TV? WELL you may not know who Pudsey is. But let me help you out! It's this twat:

And still nobody knows what happened to his eye. My money is on excessive masturbation over Gaby Roslin.

15:51 That's why I wear glasses, anyway.

15:53 But Ewar! Children in Need 2010 doesn't start till 7pm/19.00! Why are you starting this blog entry now?! Well, my irritating little friend, it's because at the start time it's incredibly likely that I'll be having my dinner, and it's stew and dumplings tonight - I'll not be missing that for Pudsey or any other fucking bear.

16:00 My brother has just come home from school and told me that Pudsey has a girlfriend called 'Lush'. Is this true?! WHAT IS THIS I DONT EVEN.

16:31 I've been trying to find out who/what is happening tonight, but everything is very vague. From the adverts, I'm presuming there will be JLS, The Saturdays, and anyone else who has a record to plug desperately. There will undoubtedly be a Strictly Come Dancing segment, and I believe some of the Dragons Den lot are doing a Come Dine with Me special.

Yes, I know. Look, I didn't tell you it was going to be good.

18:10 I have kicked my brother off the computer, so that's the reason for the pause in the live-blog. Truth be told however, there's not a great deal I can say right now, is there? We are 50 minutes away from kick-off. Dinner is about 20 minutes away, I believe. I'm STARVING.

18:52 Dinner over, and only 10 minutes to go until the big kick-off. Nothing more to report, except that tonight hopefully my good friend Dan will be chipping in with a few comments here and there. If he does, you'll know it's him as the comment will end with a (D).

18:59 Oh my god oh my god oh my god!

19:00 Sir Terry's "hair" looks interesting tonight. He's also just introduced Cheryl Cole as "the nation's sweetheart".

a) Excluded twice from school

b) Guilty of assault

c) Not called Kate Middleton

19:03 They're all crawling out of the woodwork now! Please welcome another good friend, Cash, who will also be joining in with this madness tonight. He'll end his comments with (C), won't you Cashie?

19:09 Thank you for the introduction Ewar! Watch out Andre! Big Heather will eat ya! (C)

19:11 With 3 of us all typing at once, comments may be deleted. You've just missed one where I was congratulating Tess Daly on her big boobs.

19:13 Re: Tess Daly, I'm now single! Tell Peter Kay to do one! (C)

19:16 I knew it wouldn't have been Manford. The dirty get. (C)

19:20 It's been a decent start. Only one mimed performance, and no eggy moments as of yet. Rest assured, this will change. So far we've had Chris Evans cleaning windows, and now we have Lewis Hamilton, Jenson Button and some kids driving go-karts.

19:23 What Wogan? Did you say more Helen Skelton? Yes please! Oh wait, you've just showed Miley Cyrus, I feel deflated. (C)

19:24 It's my boy Reggie Yates! Ah, but now it's Westlife. I'll go and get a glass of water. PS I think Dan is cooking his tea.

19:29 It's Colin Farrell with an earring in both ears! Reminds me to "purchase" London Boulevard, which looks a bit "oi oi, propa nawty". Nice to see Ray Winstone branching out into wider roles as well. In this one, he plays a Cockney gangster!

19:34 We've had our first nightmare of the evening, and no surprise it's come from Tezza! Having got rattled over mixing up website/Westlife, he then chucked a load of money on the floor out of the collection bucket. Time to retire Sir Tezza!

19:36 Tess Daly telling Tezza to frisk the audience for change? Well she can frisk me for change any time she wants! But Christ, Victor Meldrew's hair has grew! (C)

19:38 We've switched over to the regional output now for a few minutes. Where I am we have Joanne Malin at an ice-rink in Coventry. I can imagine it's the same kind of stuff elsewhere. That is all for now.

19:41 We're getting lots of visitors - thanks for reading! Particular you, all the way in Panama. PANAMA! Wowzers. Hope you're enjoying our nonsense.

19:48 That was an excellent moment! JLS (screams like a girl) walked out with a big cheque courtesy of Radio 2 listeners. The conversation went like this:

Tess: "Marvin, tell us how Radio 2 listeners raised that fantastic amount!"

Marvin JLS: "Erm...yeah, it's Terry's station and..erm...yeah, they did stuff. Great total!"

19:51 Was that Tubby Alan Turner? Legend! (C)

19:54 So I take it that Kylie is helping Top Gear audition for the next Stig? (C)

20:00 As much as I like Karen Gillan, I don't like Dr. Who. I'm going to scour the cupboards for snacks. (C)

20:08 It's Strictly Come Dancing popstars special, and we have a Saturday vs a McFly. I'm trying to get excited by this but I'm completely failing. Is it wrong of me to watch the darts instead for a bit?

20:29 We're back and it's the Hairy Bikers! I LOVE these guys! They seem to be singing along to Meatloaf in a greasy spoon cafe. Of course.

20:36 I'm still watching Children in Need, although Chinese Takeout will be arriving soon. But my God, its a load of rubbish so far. (C)

20:37 Chinese Takeout - what a band they are.

20:43 You're not missing anything, just a video of The Saturdays performing their latest. For me, it's all about Mollie (I like Rochelle as well) but Dan's favourite is Una. I don't know if Cash has a favourite Saturday. I imagine right now he's more interested in scoffing a chow mein.

20:50 Interesting.

20:56 A grown woman in the audience is crying over JLS. Unbelievable, really.

21:09 Ongoing currently is a hilarious mash-up of Eastenders and Coronation Street. As I don't watch either, the genius and hilarity of the situation is lost on me, to be honest. Meanwhile, Dan is watching ITV instead. The traitor.

21:20 That chow mien was lovely Ewar. I'm impartial to the Saturdays, but Una is a bit of a treat. The East Street mash-up was actually best thing so far. Now we have the fat Lorraine Kelly. That's great. (C)

21:26 Just want to state I don't like Cheryl Cole. Anyway these kids, don't worry kiddies, I had the same problem. No fecker wanted to sit next to me either. Where was my help? Where was my cooker? Where was my washing machine? That's right, still in bleeding Dixon's. I believe the men in white coats will be arriving shortly. (C)

21:32 Thankyou Cash, for doing an update at the exact same time as me two times in a row, thus deleting my musings. Blogger is shit like that. Anyway, yes, so what was I saying? Oh, I can't remember. Something about Susan Boyle being mentally ill. Anyway, here's BARROWMAN! (shakes fist)

21:37 John Barrowman's suit is really something else. White with coloured spots. It looks....well, interesting.

21:40 This Alexandra Burke song is shite, but there aren't many things I wouldn't do to put my face between those legs (D)

21:41 To be honest Dan, I can't stand her. Needs a good hit with a shovel. However, I think she slipped out an "Awooga!" somewhere. (C)

21:43 I see Dan has announced himself with a bang there. Apparently (I wasn't listening) Barrowman just called Alexandra "Andrea". Easy mistake to make.

21:46 OH MY GOD IT'S EAST 17!!

(not really, it's Take That. I don't get it.)

21: 48 There's one person who is fucking peeved to the max that Take That have reformed proper. This bloke http://www.chriskingpromotions.com/Gary%20Barlow.html Check him out. (D)

22:00 It's 10pm, which signals a wee break as we have the national news and regional news. If you fancy, it's Celeb Mastermind on BBC 2. I'm off for a lie down and a chocolate bar.

22:38 And we're back! Sadly, Tess Daly and her lovely boobs have been replaced by that skinny, mouthy chav, Fearne Cotton.

22:47 Since the break we've had Tom Jones. And Tom Jones. And some more Tom Jones. There's not a lot to say, really.

22:55 Oooooooh it's newsreaders time! Fiona Bruce! Sophie Raworth! Susanna Reid! Oh yes. Oh yes indeed.

23:03 Well, that was enjoyable until Louie Spence turned up. But no time to rest on our laurels! Oh no sir! It's Dragons Den Come Dine with Me special! Complete with Dave Lamb voiceover!

23:07 No idea why this has been shunted off till 11pm - it's the best thing of the night, to be honest. In other news, I have no idea where Dan and Cash are. Probably given up. Don't blame them. This is good though.

23:10 Peter Jones is a legend, let's be honest. And this hasn't changed my opinion, in any way whatsoever, that Duncan Bannatyne is a massive twat.

23:19 Interview with two of the Dragons, and amusingly the winner, Theo Paphitis, appears to be completely and truly rat-arsed. Splendid.

23:26 Peter Andre performs blasphemous bordering on illegal version of Michael Jackson classic Man in the Mirror. I'm no MJ fan, but I mean come on...would you ask the Woolpackers to do a Wurzels number? (D)

23:34 Pixie Lott. Ah, Pixie. Sweet, lovely, Pixie. If you're reading this love, I'd be more than happy to give you the most uncomfortable 7 seconds of your life.

Oh okay, sorry. But it's after the watershed.

23:49 The Hairy Bikers have just arrived at a greasy spoon cafe, and are now singing along to Meatloaf. Yes, correct. We've been here before. The fact that they're repeating stuff suggests I won't be around for too much longer I'm afraid folks. But it's been fun, eh?

23:53 Oh good. The slags from 'Loose Women'. This will end well.

00:05 It is now past midnight, and considering they've begun to repeat stuff, and there seems to be an awful lot of West End musical shite coming up, that's quite enough for me. Many thanks to Dan and Cash for their assistance. Many thanks to you for reading.

There's still time to donate, of course - no matter when you're reading this - over at http://www.bbc.co.uk/pudsey/donate/

But, for now, it's thankyou, and goodnight.

The Sloppiest of Stars

It feels like ages since we've had a look at some of the finest letters in my local rag, The Sloppy Star. So, let us now rectify this unfortunate oversight with a generous helping of nonsense. There's THREE letters for you to enjoy!



I was shown the Koran the other day. Flicking through the pages one chapter and verse caught my eye. 


This doesn't seem like a big thing, I grant you. But once we've read the rest of the letter, we'll come back to it. Promise.


Before I go on, America is typically represented by an eagle. 


Odd. But please, go on.


The verse goes: "For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a fearsome eagle. The wrath of the eagle would be felt through the lands of Allah and lo, while some of the people trembled in despair still more rejoiced; for the wrath of the eagle cleansed the lands of Allah."


Slightly odd.


Now the spooky bit about this was the verse and chapter number - Koran (9 : 11).


Name and address supplied


Wowzers! If you're a bit confused, let's just clarify this: In the Koran, verse 9 chapter 11 (9/11, you see?) there's a bit about the Eagle (America) bashing up the Arabians a bit after they had awoken it (9/11 again, you see?) That is, actually, really quite fucking scary. I'm certainly very glad the anonymous man brought this to my attention!

EXCEPT...

Re-reading the letter, something caught my eye. Let's go back to that sentence I highlighted at the beginning:

I was shown the Koran the other day. Flicking through the pages one chapter and verse caught my eye. 


This just struck me as odd. You see, he starts off by saying he was "shown" the Koran. This implies that someone else has shown him the text, and taken him to certain sections. However in the very next sentence he contradicts that, by claiming he was flicking through the text and completely at random settled on Verse 9:11, which just happens to be a conspiracy theorists dream.

That didn't ring true with me, so I thought I would just take a quick look at Verse 9:11 for myself. A quick Google search and...

http://www.snopes.com/politics/war/quran911.asp

"The chapter and verse citation...isn't a legitimate quotation from the Quran...no such passage appears in that book, at Chapter 9, Verse 11 or anywhere else."


Ewar Woowar - mythbuster. Stop wasting mine and everyone else's time, Mr Anonymous. You arse.


Is it any wonder people are obese.


Some people are obese. Others aren't.


 They are bombarded with TV shows about food: Masterchef - The Professionals, Ramsay's Best Restaurant, Street Market Chefs, Nigella's Food Show, Jimmy's Food Factory, Nigel Slater's Simple Supper, Hairy Bikers' Cook Off etc.


How VERY dare you criticise Nigella! And the Hairy Bikers! Stop shitting all over my lusts/heroes pal!


Talk about subliminal messages for couch potato viewers.


Not really. I believe my blogging friend Cynical Ben is a food afficionado, and in the pictures I've seen of him he's certainly not obese. In case you've never seen him, here's a photo I may or may not have saved on my computer:



















I recall a few years ago when cigarettes were bad news,


Cigarettes - no longer bad news, apparently.


the government said no cigarette smoking on TV, no cigarette adverts, etc. Need I say more.


Yes, you really should. Don't get me wrong, there's far too many cookery shows on television, but a human being is responsible for what he/she puts in their mouth (steady on now). My mother complains all the time about how much football there is on TV. Somehow I don't see a letter from you reading:

"Look at all this football on TV! What a disgrace! Encouraging young people to run around outside and get lots of exercise! Far worse than those sticks that greatly increase your chances of getting lung cancer!!"


Pete Veloso
Shrewsbury


Go outside, walk around your beautiful, beautiful town and enjoy life. Quit yo jibber jabber, fool!


Recently in the media there was a good deal of self-righteous indignation about Nick Clegg choosing as his luxury on Desert Island Discs "a stash of cigarettes".


Not from me, there wasn't. As I said a minute ago, an adult is free to put into his mouth whatever he wants. I hate smoking, and right now I have issues with Nick Clegg, but to me it's a non-story. 


But as far as I know, not a dicky bird was said about his dreadful choice of records, which was no better than David Cameron's in 2006.


I did not hear the programme. Hit me with it. 


Between them they picked such giants of modern music as Radiohead, David Bowie, Johnny Cash, Bob Dylan, The Smiths, REM, The Killers and Pink Floyd. 


Radiohead - very good
David Bowie - genius
Johnny Cash - excellent bordering on genius
Bob Dylan - genius
The Smiths - very good
REM - very good
The Killers - shit
Pink Floyd - not my thing but they're very popular

That's a pretty decent selection. And considering that both Cameron and Clegg are in their early 40s, the time frame pretty much fits as well - they would have grown up listening to the likes of Bowie, Cash, Dylan, and then later on as they got a bit older moved onto The Smiths and Radiohead and so on.


Oh yes, and (in Cameron's case) Benny Hill! 


Right.


Both these guys were born into privilege (particularly Cameron), 


Correct.


both were expensively and privately educated,


Correct, but, surely you're not...you're not going to say what I think you're going to say, are you? Surely?


 both went to one of our top two universities and both regularly rub shoulders with other highly educated people, from whom they surely learn much. Yet the music they chose to listen to repeatedly, perhaps for years marooned on a desert island, was no better than what would be selected by an average 15 year old boy or girl.


You have. Wow.

I honestly think this is a wind-up that not even Voley, our resident Communist, would attempt. What you're saying is that because someone called Percy Chummington-Bowdler had a posh upbringing, went to a good university, and met intelligent people, he must spend all day every day listening to Mahler's 5th Symphony: Tumbleweed on a G-String. That HOW DARE HE listen to "popular" music.

This is just a really sad letter. As someone who likes Dido, The Saturdays and B*Witched, I know more than anyone else that you shouldn't judge someone on their music tastes. Regarding David Cameron - I'll make my own mind up about him, thankyou very much. Whether he listens to Beethoven or Mozart, Steps or 5ive, it matters not a jot. Criticising his taste in "popular" music because he's a bit posh is the most awful, lazy, ridiculous stereotyping ever.


 Even allowing for the fact that politicians suck up to the electorate, they ought to be ashamed of themselves.


YOU HEAR THAT CLEGG?! ASHAMED OF YOURSELF.

Seriously, someone show this blog entry to Nick Clegg. I mean it. Get Nick Clegg reading this right now. Wait, he's here? Right now? Good.

Hi Nick! Thanks for reading. NOW FUCK OFF YOU ABSOLUTE DISGRACE. Love, Ewar.

As I said earlier, I won't be joining the Nick Clegg Fanclub anytime soon, but to say he's "sucking up the electorate" (on this, anyway) is just awful shite. Yes, because someone really voted for the Liberal Democrats because Nick Clegg likes an REM song.

I've read some shit letters in my time, but this one has actually made me cross.


Sidney Evans
Chirk


Welsh. I should have guessed.

Manflu

Hullo.

I have manflu. I feel like death.

I feel like I should blog, as I haven't for a while, but it hurts to think.

SO

I've put up another piece of my writing over on my other blog. If you don't know already it's http://patricksmyopicmusings.blogspot.com/

Also, I've begun to write for a Manchester United fans website. As if I don't have enough on at the moment. If you're interested, I have a piece up on there already about Ji-Sung Park, and (at this time of writing) I've sent another piece off, about last night's game against Citeh. I don't know when it will be put up, but hopefully soon. The website in question is http://thebusbyway.com/

Bye for now.

Student Special!

I've seen some things in my time, folks. I've seen John Barrowman performing 'Firelifes'. I've seen the legendary 'That's Why We Chose Yale' video. I've seen Jenna Jameson in a policemans uniform take a truncheon and...

Forget that one. Nevertheless, all those pale into insignificance, compared to this. I hate to indulge in hyperbole (great word) but this is THE GREATEST THING EVER AND OH MY GOD YOU MUST WATCH ALL OF THIS RIGHT NOW.

As a student, I naturally love Countdown - it's an institution, of course. But it's only watching this pilot episode of the show that I realise what an unbelievably brave/stupid decision it was to commission it for national television in the first place. There's three parts, and it will take 30 minutes out of your day, but I URGE you to watch it.

ALL of it is brilliant, but some parts to particularly look out:

• 2:55 (video 1)
• The most brilliantly urbane Scotsman since Sean Connery as James Bond
• 3:00 (video 2)
• 4:50 (video 2)
• Ted Moult being so painfully out of his depth
• 8:10 (video 2)
• 1:00 (video 3)
• 3:28 (video 3) (WHERE'S HE GONE? WHAT'S HAPPENED TO HIM?!)
• 7:10 (video 3)
• The splendid shade of pink used at the end.

Ewar's Screenwipe Audition

To be honest with you, I don't watch much television. If you take away live sport, sport-based programmes, films and comedy, what else do I watch?

• Top Gear
• Jonathan Creek
• TV Burp
• Have I Got News For You
• Unsolved Mysteries (I fricking love that, tbf)
• Jerry Springer
• Erm...

Yeah, I'm struggling now. I don't watch soaps. I don't watch reality TV. No shows like Spooks, CSI, NCIS or ERA+ for me. No daytime TV. Nothing on a Sunday at all.

ANYWAY the point of all this is that last night I was flicking through the channels, looking for something vaguely interesting to have on in the background whilst I waited for the baseball to start at midnight. And then I found it - the absolute holy grail.

LIVINGit channel.

Oh my god! This shit is amazing. Last night I watched 2 1/2 programmes on there (I'll explain the 1/2 in a bit) and I'll be damned if I now won't tell you all about them. The programme that started this madness off? Have a look at this bad boy...

The 45-Stone Virgin

Come on, now. If you can flick through the cable channels, see a programme entitled that, and not want to watch it, than you won't get any cookies round my house.

Annoyingly, the title is slightly misleading, as I excitedly turned over expecting (and hoping, let's be honest) to see an obese man crying whilst stuffing a filled-crust pizza into his pathetic mouth. However, what I saw was a slim, quite good-looking man. You see, David from Arizona had already lost the weight (as well as having other procedures done), so the point of the show was to follow him around and see if he could ditch the ol' V plate.

I understand the hypocrisy here, considering that I'm also a fat man and more like a Supernova than Casanova, but I soon realised David's flaw when it came to the lovely ladies. Here was one attempt of his at chatting to a girl:

David: Hi! I'm David!

Sexy girl: Hey....I'm KaSandra.

David: Hey KaSandra! So...........erm................I mean.................erm............can I have your number then?

(No, I'm not joking, I have witnesses. KaSandra. Seriously.)

Sadly, the show was a bit of anti-climax, quite literally, as with 20 minutes to go David told the world that instead of waiting for the perfect girl, and the perfect time, he had had a drunken fumble with a woman a few nights before. Or, as he so eloquently put it:

"She was like, naked, and then she got me kinda naked, and then...I dont know....I was on top, she was on top....it didn't last very long."

We've all been there David.

More info here: http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/woman/real_life/article2148065.ece

Sally Morgan's Big FAT Operation

Sally Morgan is a psychic. Therefore she is a liar, a fraud and a disgrace, a woman who preys on emotional and gullible people, leaning on the rather dubious notion of "It comforts them" to justify her immoral living. The sad fact is, these morons really do lap it up. Sally Morgan, much like the psychics on American television, has her own TV show and her own sell-out tour. It makes me sick.

In case you've never seen/heard a psychic before, they claim to be able to communicate with the deceased. A typical exchange normally goes something like this:

SM: "And I'm feeling a name....begins with D.....I can see a car?"

Gullible woman: "Oh my god! My husband Dennis! His prized possession was his car!"

SM: "Hello darling. I'm feeling another name now.......beginning with P?"

GW: "Erm....no? Don't think so?"

SM: "R?"

GW: "Nope."

SM: "The forces are a little muddled tonight...difficult to see.....you have a son, yes?"

GW: "Daughter."

SM: "Child, yes. He says he loves you both very, very much."

Gullible woman begins to cry, and get hooked in, and Sally does it again.

ANYWAY the point of this show is that Sally Morgan, "celebrity" psychic, is obese. And she's awfully scared about dying, which is interesting considering how everyone she "talks to" in heaven seems so happy and jolly up there, and want their living relatives to feel at ease as they're having such an amazing time.

After trying (how hard, I'm not too sure) to exercise, and then to diet (ditto) she decides to opt for a gastric bypass to help save her life. That decision is made after advice, on camera, from Katie Price by the way. Obviously. And so she has the operation, looks slimmer, wears a dress for the first time in years and...well, that's it, really. Car-crash TV, yet so damn watchable.

There's a good chance that by the time you look at this, it will be gone, and you won't find it funny. But it's worth a go. See who Wiki thinks is Sally Morgan's spouse: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sally_Morgan_(psychic)

Penis Envy

It was now midnight, which meant that the baseball was starting. Hence, I only half watched this show, as I was flicking (steady on now) between the two channels. However, my good friend Dan watched all of this. Slightly worrying.

Presented by Stephen K. Amos (who I like! I seem to like him and everyone else hates him. Haters gonna hate, but I think he's alright) this show was basically an excuse to show willies, and lots of them, with the laughable subtext of "Do men have penis envy? If so, why? What's the average length?" etc.

The show followed three different men - all of whom were unhappy about their peni (that's the plural, which I've just made up) - as they each tried a different penis-extending device or contraption in order to...well...you can probably guess. The show was interspersed with a stand-up routine from Amos, all about willies (which was terrifically unfunny) and a section where a bunch of middle-aged cock hungry slags sat in an audience and oohed & aahed over some willies. How did the show finish? I don't know, I missed the ending of it. I wonder if any of those devices worked. I might purchase one.

All that, ladies and gentlemen, in just one evening. John Logie Baird - I salute you, sir!

Wordsworth

Hallo again all.

If you scroll down the page a bit, you can see a blog entry I did a few weeks back now about the dreaded "C word". Lord knows why that entry proved so popular, but it provided me with more comments than any other blog entry I've ever done before. Perhaps that's the answer. Perhaps I've found my level. You lot love a bit of swearing, eh? Anyway, the comments received led to an interesting discussion, which was the aim, so thankyou very much.

The feedback got me thinking about words again, but this time in regards to words that I particularly like. So, whilst enduring another bout of insomnia the other night, I came up with a brief list of my favourite words:

• Discombobulation (a feeling of embarrassment that leaves you confused) 
• Antipasti (the traditional first course of a formal Italian meal)
• Cracking
• Onomatopoeia (a type of word that sounds like the thing it is describing)
• Archipelago (group of islands)
• Blitzkrieg
• Singeing

Place names as well:

• Vladivostock
• Helsinki
• Monte Carlo
• Shrewsbury (when pronounced properly, but that's a debate for another time. Rest assured though - it's Shroes-bury)
• Gwent
• Grimsby

That last one is a joke. I'm sure there are many more, but I can't remember them right at this moment. So, what's your favourite word(s), friends?

Proud of the BBC

I am proud of the BBC, and I love the BBC.

Why?

Well, here's Mitch Benn to explain to you why, far better than I ever could:



All of that, and more, for 40p a day.

Please, guys, don't ever let Murdoch and his chums win.

It's Only Words

A serious note: This blog entry will contain some pretty hefty language (for reasons you'll soon see). If you are under 18 please leave and visit disney.com. If you are over 18, but are easily offended, please GO AWAY NOW. If you continue to read, and are offended, that's your fault, not mine. I've tried to be as mature and sincere as possible in this blog post, and am intending it to hopefully provoke a genuine and considered discussion. Thankyou please.


Cunt.


What was your initial reaction when you read that word? Was it:

a) Shock and outrage?
b) Embarrassment?
c) Laughter?

Or did you feel no discernible reaction whatsoever?

We've all (presumably) been brought up to realise that that word is something you just do not say, in public, and is one of those words which is taboo. Hence the warning I wrote at the top there. Sometimes, though, I wonder why this is.

The word "cunt" is a four-letter word, and is made up of these letters: C, U, N, T. We know these letters - they're all in the English alphabet, and we use them all the time. So it's fair to say the letters aren't the problem here. Instead, perhaps we have to look at the word itself. From the OED:

1. The female external genital organs. 
2. Applied to a person, esp. a woman, as a term of vulgar abuse.

Embarrassment about body parts, and their names, is nothing new, as any schoolchild will tell you. Nevertheless, it is interesting how some are used. In her last column in The Guardian's magazine, I noticed Lucy Mangan use the word 'vagina'. Whilst it didn't bother me, it surprised me slightly, as I wouldn't have expected it to be used. Instead, I would have expected a softer, more subtle word in it's place - "flower", "ladyparts", etc. These are slang terms for the vagina, yet another slang term, "cunt" would never, ever be used.

Perhaps the key term here is "vulgar abuse". If you watch a film and the word "cunt" is used, it's probably being used as part of an abusive statement - "you fucking cunt" etc, rather than when describing a part of a woman's body. The funny thing is, there are thousands of abusive words and phrases, yet 99% of them are not treated as seriously as cunt. I've been around women who would quite happily call people "wankers" and "twats" and all sorts, but never "cunts". What qualifies as "vulgar" and what doesn't? I honestly don't know. I think we'd all agree that cunt is vulgar, but why exactly?

I looked up the word on OED for a specific reason, because as well as giving a definition, it also lists some examples of where a word has been used in the past. I'm not joking when I say in this case, it's quite interesting:

a1325 Prov. Hendyng (Camb. Gg. I. 1) st. 42 Yeue i cunte to cunnig and craue affetir wedding.
c1400 Lanfranc's Cirurg. 172/12 In wymmen e necke of e bladdre is schort, & is maad fast to the cunte. 
1552 LYNDESAY Satyre Procl. 144 First lat me lok thy cunt, Syne lat me keip the key.
1956 S. BECKETT Malone Dies 24 His young wife had abandoned all hope of bringing him to heel, by means of her cunt, that trump card of young wives.

Whilst I'm not clever enough to work out what most of those sentences mean, it's interesting to note that the word cunt certainly isn't new. Look at those dates - 1325! 1552! If the word is that old, how has it not lost it's impact by now? Has it always been considered as vulgar, or is this a relatively recent criticism?

I'm asking all these questions because, quite simply, I don't know. On one hand, it bemuses me slightly that a word, a simple 4 letter word, carries so much weight and controversy with it. On the other hand, I'm certainly not advocating that a person should think "Okay, it's only a word" and go round shouting it from the rooftops.

Seriously, what do you guys think? Is it a word you would use in public? If not, why do you think it carries all that weight after all these years? Who decides whether a word is vulgar or not?

Over to you...

Go Where You Wanna Go

If you're as obsessed with Google Earth & Google Street View as I am, hopefully you'll love this site as much as I do:

http://web.mit.edu/~jmcmicha/www/globegenie/

Click on "Teleport" and it will whisk you off to a random location. So far, I've landed on a motorway just outside Lyon, in France. A rather creepy empty highway in New Mexico, and a beautiful quaint cul-de-sac in Finland. Other people haven't been quite so lucky - one unfortunate soul ended up on an industrial estate just outside Bradford. Ick.

Have a go, and see where you end up. As for me, well, that's any productivity for the day completely gone...

Project Alniro #2

Hello. For regular readers of this blog, you'll know what this is all about. If you're not a regular reader, you can either visit here  for the comprehensive lowdown on Project Alniro, OR you can read this very brief round-up:


Myself and two friends set up a Twitter account, drew up a list of over 200 celebrities, and then tweeted them, asking these good folk whether they provided the acting prowess of a Mr Al Pacino, or a Mr Robert DeNiro (is waiting). Once we had tweeted all the people on our list, we would tally the results and I would put them up on this little blog here. 


So, let's do just that. Ladies and gentleman (and at this point I'd like to welcome all the visitors who have reached here from my advertising on Digital Spy - pleased to meet you!) here are a whole bunch of celebrities telling us who they prefer - Pacino, or DeNiro.


*NOTE All of these answers are listed in alphabetical order, and have been copied in full. I have not edited a single letter of any of them*


KRISS AKABUSI
Kriss Kezie Uche Chukwu Duru Akabusi MBE is a former athlete, winning a silver medal at the 1984 Olympic Games, and a gold medal at the 1991 World Championships. He is now perhaps best known for bringing the phrase "awooga" into the English lexicon. (@krissakabusi)


"Pacino every single time!"

Pacino 1-0 DeNiro

ALEXANDER ARMSTRONG
One half of Armstrong and Miller, Alexander Armstrong presents 'Pointless' on BBC2, a slightly odd but watchable quiz show. He also enjoys Pimms. (@Xanneroo)


"I think De Niro to be the more nuanced of the pair"

Pacino 1-1 DeNiro

RICHARD BACON
Now a Radio 5 Live presenter, Richard was sacked from his role at 'Blue Peter' after *rest of sentence deleted by nervous lawyer* (@richardpbacon)


"both"

(Ewar's decision - in a case of "both" or "neither" vote shall not be counted either way) Pacino 1-1 DeNiro

MANDIRA BEDI
Mandira is probably best known to the people of Britain as the co-host of ITV4s coverage of the last IPL cricket tournament. She is a Bollywood actress, and, in my opinion, really rather gorgeous. (@mandybedi)


"Its Pacino all the way, tho i love Deniros sense of comic timing.. :)"

Pacino 2-1 DeNiro

ANGELLICA BELL
A former CBBC presenter, Angellica is that cheerful lass who pops up on 'The One Show' occasionally, and now co-hosts segments of 'The Zone' with her partner, Michael Underwood. (@angellicabell)


"DeNiro! I have always fancied him and he's a GREAT actor!"

Pacino 2-2 DeNiro

CLARA AND MITCH BENN
Mitch Benn is splendid, although it's difficult to describe EXACTLY what he does. Folk-ish music player, stand-up comedian, radio personality, TV panel show extraordinaire, song writer...he's a very talented man. My father once complimented him, describing him as 'relevant'. Clara is his wife, and seems to be jolly lovely indeed. (@MitchBenn @MsClara)


"Both DeNiro."

Pacino 2-4 DeNiro

CHRIS BOARDMAN
One of my heroes growing up, Chris Boardman is possibly the most famous professional cyclist to come out of England. Chris won 3 stages of the Tour de France, and was World Time Trial Champion in 1994. (@Chis_Boardman)


"Pacino."

Pacino 3-4 DeNiro

MARCUS BRIGSTOCKE
Marcus is a bit like Mitch, in that he crops up in so many different places it's difficult to pin him down in terms of what he actually is. I think of him as a stand-up comedian who has branched out into other areas. You may have seen Marcus on 'Argumental'. (@marcusbrig)


"recently... Paccino. Over all - too close to call but De Niro does more damage with each new film."

(CONTROVERSY! In Ewar's mind, Marcus contradicts himself here. "Recently Pacino, but in terms of recent films, De Niro" seems to be his argument. I do not understand this. Thus, his vote is null and void. If you don't like that - tough. It's my game. Scores still the same.) Pacino 3-4 DeNiro

NED BOULTING
One for the sports fans, I suspect. Ned is a presenter for ITV sports coverage, most notably cycling but also darts, as well as being a reporter in Africa itself during the 2010 World Cup. (@nedboulting)


"well it's de Niro."

Pacino 3-5 DeNiro

ALASTAIR CAMPBELL
I'm sure you all know who Mr Alastair Campbell is. I'm a fan of his, largely because he revels in winding people up as much as I do. If you haven't seen it already, please do youtube search for 'alastair campbell and adam boulton'. (@campbellclaret)


"de Niro"

Pacino 3-6 DeNiro

IAIN CARTER
I'm sorry, I'm a huge sports fan. Hence all the sports journalists/presenters you're seeing on this list. Iain Carter is Radio 5 Live's golf correspondent, and he's ruddy good. (@iaincartergolf)


"Pacino"

Pacino 4-6 DeNiro

KELLY CATES
Like Ned, Kelly also popped up on ITVs coverage of the 2010 World Cup. I don't want to do her any disservice whatsoever, but maybe it's fair to say she's best known as Kenny Dalglish's daughter. (@KellyCates)


"maybe 1% in it but I go for Pacino because of Godfather 2"

(This is Ewar's favourite answer, as it would be, pretty much word for word, what he would say) Pacino 5-6 DeNiro

HELEN CHAMBERLAIN
'Soccer AM'. Let's be honest, when you think of Hells Bells Chamberlain, you think of 'Soccer AM' on Sky Sports. I've met Helen, and she's a lovely, lovely person. (@HellsBellsy)


"I'm no movie buff but Pacino for me. All down to the premiere of Any Given Sunday when he walked out & my date shouted "F*cking hell! It's Al P'f*cking'cino!" Still makes me laugh now."

(Second favourite answer) Pacino 6-6 DeNiro

IAN COLLINS
A real mainstay on talkSPORT radio, Ian Collins first came to my attention with his excellent 'Creatures of the Night' show. He is a Chelsea FC supporter, which is unfortunate. (@collinslateshow)


"I'll go DeNiro. No contest."

Pacino 6-7 DeNiro

NAT COOMBS
Nat now appears on ESPN, although he's perhaps best known for his presenting of 5's NFL coverage in the last two years. (@NatCoombs)


"To quote Dean Wormer from the mighty 'Animal House', each of them is outstanding in their own way". But, gun to head? Pacino."

Pacino 7-7 DeNiro

VICTORIA COREN
Daughter of the much missed Alan, Victoria has earnt over $1m playing cards. No, really! That is some life. She also presents 'Only Connect' on BBC Four, which my father loves. (@VictoriaCoren)


"I'm the wrong person to ask. I prefer Christopher Biggins to either."

Pacino 7-7 DeNiro (Biggins 1)

GARY DELANEY
It's amazing what you learn from Wikipedia isn't it? I knew Gary was a stand-up comedian, but I didn't know he was in a relationship with Sarah Millican. So there we go. (@GaryDelaney)


"De Niro, but I've never seen Pacino so ignore me."

(Never seen a Pacino film?!) Pacino 7-8 DeNiro

DANNY DICHIO
This was my friend Dan's suggestion. I've no idea why we put Danny Dichio on our list, but he bothered to answer us so fair play. If you're not a football fan, Danny played over 400 games in his career and scored 92 goals. According to Wikipedia. (@DannyDichio)


"very difficult!! But I've got to say Bobby De Niro"

Pacino 7-9 DeNiro

NEIL GAIMAN
Probably the most "famous" person who replied to us. Neil Gaiman, as I'm sure you know, is a novelist, and a bloody successful one as well. One of my favourite books of all time, 'Good Omens', was co-written by the great man. (@neilhimself)


"Pacino. De Niro was already in STARDUST."

(CONTROVERSY! As I mentioned earlier, the Twitter account was manned not just by myself, but also by my two friends - Dan and the mysterious G. You would think it would be easy to ask a celebrity a simple question like "Pacino or DeNiro", wouldn't you? However, Dan screwed up, and ended up asking Neil Gaiman which actor he would rather appear in a film adaptation of one of his scribblings. Hence his answer there.

My first thought was to declare Gaiman's vote as null and void. However, as I would go for Pacino, and Dan for DeNiro, I'm letting it stand. Screw you - its my ball, and I'll take it home!) Pacino 8-9 DeNiro

DAVE GORMAN
Are you Dave Gorman? No? Fair enough. He is though, and for most people Dave Gorman came to their attention with his quest to find people with the same name as him. Most recently, you might have seen him presenting the BBC 2 programme 'Genius', which is very good indeed. (@DaveGorman)


"I'm not sure you should be betting on my opinion of anything. But if you are, I'll negotiate for a cut of the proceeds."

(Sometimes in our tweets we told the celebs we were doing this for a bet, and not because we are incredibly sad with nothing better to do or nothing to contribute to society. Scores remain the same.) Pacino 8-9 DeNiro

We're now halfway through the celebrity answers. I don't know about you, but this seems a good time to take an interval, both for you and for myself. Let's all go and get some food and have a wee. Not at the same time. For your interval entertainment, I give you this:




And....we're back. Let's crack on again.

KRISHNAN GURU-MURTHY
What a man, what a legend. I'm sure you know Krishnan from Channel 4 News, where he co-forms the perfect 1-2 punch alongside another legend, Jon Snow. (@krishgm)


"Fifteen yrs ago you'd have said De Niro. But now Pacino has got better and De Niro got worse. Insomnia v Analyze That obvious"

Pacino 9-9 DeNiro

DAVID HARMON
A name perhaps not recognisable to too many folk, David is a cycling commentator on Eurosport, and for the past few years has done a sterling job on the Tour de France. (@spokesmen)


"de Niro...obvously"

Pacino 9-10 DeNiro

DOMINIC HOLLAND
Dom is a stand-up comedian, yet every time I see him on my tellybox nowadays he's on 'The Wright Stuff', a show for people who can't cope with Newsnight, hosted by the ghastliness that is Matthew Wright. (@Domholland)


"de niro - cos he can do menacing (cape fear) and v funny (meet parents) Pacino is clichetastic

Pacino 9-11 DeNiro

EAMONN HOLMES
You know who Eamonn Holmes is, c'mon. (@EamonnHolmes)


"prob De Niro - because of Bananarama !"

Pacino 9-12 DeNiro

LYNSEY HOOPER
Lynsey is an exciting young journalist with a promising career ahead of her. Quiz TV, ITV News reports, hosting Sky Sports News online, goal updates live at football grounds for Final Score...she's certainly adaptable, and is pretty cool. (@lynseyhooper)


"Would have to be DeNiro for me"

Pacino 9-13 DeNiro

DAVE LAMB
You probably wouldn't recognise Dave Lamb by his name or his face, but I'm sure you would recognise his voice if you heard it. Ever seen the hit Channel 4 show 'Come Dine with Me'? Dave is the narrator who keeps that whole show afloat with his acerbic comments. (@Therealdavelamb)


"that's a tough one. Scent of a woman versus midnight run (not the obvious ones I'll grant you) I'll go Pacino, by inches."

Pacino 10-13 DeNiro

DAVID "BUMBLE" LLOYD
The man who makes Sky's cricket coverage splendidly brilliant, David "Bumble" Lloyd is former England player and coach. He supports Accrington Stanley FC. (@BumbleCricket)


"Pacino"

Pacino 11-13 DeNiro

LUCY MANGAN
Do you read The Guardian? No? Probably the right idea. If you do, however, you'll know that Lucy has a column in The Guardian's magazine every Saturday, and chips in with various things in the main paper throughout the week. I understand lecturer extraordinare The Plashing Vole has a bit of a thing for her. (@LucyMangan)


"De Niro, De Finitely."

Pacino 11-14 DeNiro

ROBBIE MCEWEN
Aussie. Cyclist. Sprinter. Tough son of a gun. 12 stage winner in the Tour de France. That's our Robbie. (@mcewenrobbie)


"i prefer De Niro"

Pacino 11-15 DeNiro

HAYLEY MCQUEEN
Former MUTV and now Sky Sports News presenter, perhaps it is slightly unfair to say she's most famous for being Gordon McQueen's daughter? (@HayleyMcQueen)


"De Niro, why my opinion counts is beyond me but that is my opinion none the less."

Pacino 11-16 DeNiro

SARAH-JANE MEE
Two Sky Sports News presenters in a row, and, let's be honest, two very yummy ladies indeed. (@meesj)


"De Niro x"

(A kiss from Sarah-Jane there, which now sits in my Twitter Hall of Fame alongside the kiss I got, virtually, from Katherine Jenkins. I am the Alpha male, clearly.) Pacino 11-17 DeNiro

JUSTIN MOORHOUSE
Another stand-up comedian, although perhaps Justin is best know for his role in the unbelievably brilliant TV series 'Phoenix Nights' or the film 'Looking for Eric'. (@justinmoorhouse)


"I'd go De Niro"

Pacino 11-18 DeNiro

JACQUI OATLEY
Miss Jacqui Oatley made history. No, really, she did, when she became the first female to commentate on a game for 'Match of the Day'. Jacqui supports Wolverhampton Wanderers FC. (@JacquiOatley)


"Flamin eck - that's like trying to choose between your parents! But I'll have to go Pacino."

(Third favourite answer) Pacino 12-18 DeNiro

IAIN O'BRIEN
Former fast bowler for New Zealand, Iain now plays over here in England, for Middlesex CCC, and seems like a jolly decent bloke. (@iainobrien)


"probably De Niro..."

Pacino 12-19 DeNiro

ANDI PETERS
The man, the myth, the legend. Andi Peters. (@andipeters)


"I think Pacino..."

Pacino 13-19 DeNiro

SIMON RIMMER
Celebrity chef and Tim Lovejoy's right hand man on 'Something for the Weekend', Simon has also popped up on the ghastly 'Hole in the Wall'. (@simonrim)


"Pacino, but I don't have a strong opinion"

Pacino 14-19 DeNiro

ZOE SALMON
Zoe is, like, well fit, you know? Former 'Blue Peter' presenter, all-round babe. (@Zoe_Salmon)


"De Niro purely 4 his versatility - need I mention the Fockers?!"

Pacino 14-20 DeNiro

DI STEWART
Another name perhaps unfamiliar to non-sports fans. Di has fronted Sky's golf coverage for a few years now, and (I believe) is with pro golfer Nick Dougherty, him and his mad hair. Well done to him. (@DiSkySports)


"does 'Scent of a Woman' answer your question.."

(Yes it does Di!) Pacino 15-20 DeNiro

SUZANNE VIRDEE
Suzanne hosts 'Midlands Today' in the early evenings, alongside the broadcasting legend that is Mr Nick Owen. (@suzannevirdee)


"I always get them mixed up!"

(Not particularly helpful. Scores remain the same.) Pacino 15-20 DeNiro

DAN WALKER
Dan is the host of BBC's 'Football Focus' every Saturday lunchtime, and what a good host of that he is. (@danwalkerbbc)


"Pacino...every time."

Pacino 16-20 DeNiro

GREGG WALLACE
"COOKING...DOES NOT GET...TOUGHER THAN THIS!!!!!" is what Gregg likes to shout every episode of 'Masterchef'. Viewers will know him as the bald one with glasses, who likes puddings. (@puddingface)


"Pacino."

Pacino 17-20 DeNiro

RAV WILDING
Phwoar! I've got to be honest, even as a straight male, Rav Wilding sets the old heart pumping a little bit. Ex-Army, ex-Police force, now the presenter of 'Crimewatch'. I lied earlier, when I said I was clearly the Alpha male. No sir - Rav Wilding is the Alpha male. Let it be written in stone. (@Rwildthing)


"de Niro"

Pacino 17-21 DeNiro

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, WE HAVE REACHED THE END.

FINAL SCORE: AL PACINO 17 - 21 ROBERT DE NIRO

So, what can we make of all this, if anything? I thought it would be a landslide for DeNiro, to be honest, and I was pleasantly surprised that it was as close as it was, until DeNiro pulled away a bit towards the end. What I found particularly interesting was that even though I love both, a competitive nature set in. As Dan clearly prefers DeNiro, I found myself rooting for Pacino - the underdog in my eyes.

I expected DeNiro to win as he is seen as more "mainstream" nowadays - as some people alluded to, 'Meet the Parents/Fockers' introduced him to a whole new audience from those who know him from 'Raging Bull' and so on. Personally, I hate those films - they're just not DeNiro in my book, and I possibly would even go as far as saying "he sold out a bit". Nevertheless, he is brilliant, and so is Pacino. As Kelly Cates said, there's about 1% in it, maybe less.

I would like to take this moment to thank my aides for this project - Dan and G. If you're not a regular reader of this blog, and you're on Twitter, give them a follow, they're both splendid:

Dan - @spotify_tapes
G - @vivelesteve
And I'm Ewar - @ewarwoowar86

To see the madness directly, and to see who didn't reply, feel free to check out @ProjectAlniro.

If you've read all of this - you're mad. Get some help. Nevertheless, many thanks, and goodbye!