Friday, 19 November 2010

Children in Need 2010 Live-Blog Spectacular!

15:38 Hello, good evening, and welcome. Well, won't this be exciting?

15:40 It is of course Children in Need night, so whilst I'm here, and we're at the top of the page, here's the boring stuff:

Donate here -
Follow Pudsey on Facebook here -
Follow Pudsey on Twitter here -
Online Pudsey ears or something I don't know here -
Children in Need in your area here -

That will do for now, eh?

15:46 Don't live in the UK? Incredibly young? An illegal immigrant? Don't own a TV? WELL you may not know who Pudsey is. But let me help you out! It's this twat:
And still nobody knows what happened to his eye. My money is on excessive masturbation over Gaby Roslin.

15:51 That's why I wear glasses, anyway.

15:53 But Ewar! Children in Need 2010 doesn't start till 7pm/19.00! Why are you starting this blog entry now?! Well, my irritating little friend, it's because at the start time it's incredibly likely that I'll be having my dinner, and it's stew and dumplings tonight - I'll not be missing that for Pudsey or any other fucking bear.

16:00 My brother has just come home from school and told me that Pudsey has a girlfriend called 'Lush'. Is this true?! WHAT IS THIS I DONT EVEN.

16:31 I've been trying to find out who/what is happening tonight, but everything is very vague. From the adverts, I'm presuming there will be JLS, The Saturdays, and anyone else who has a record to plug desperately. There will undoubtedly be a Strictly Come Dancing segment, and I believe some of the Dragons Den lot are doing a Come Dine with Me special.

Yes, I know. Look, I didn't tell you it was going to be good.

18:10 I have kicked my brother off the computer, so that's the reason for the pause in the live-blog. Truth be told however, there's not a great deal I can say right now, is there? We are 50 minutes away from kick-off. Dinner is about 20 minutes away, I believe. I'm STARVING.

18:52 Dinner over, and only 10 minutes to go until the big kick-off. Nothing more to report, except that tonight hopefully my good friend Dan will be chipping in with a few comments here and there. If he does, you'll know it's him as the comment will end with a (D).

18:59 Oh my god oh my god oh my god!

19:00 Sir Terry's "hair" looks interesting tonight. He's also just introduced Cheryl Cole as "the nation's sweetheart".

a) Excluded twice from school
b) Guilty of assault
c) Not called Kate Middleton

19:03 They're all crawling out of the woodwork now! Please welcome another good friend, Cash, who will also be joining in with this madness tonight. He'll end his comments with (C), won't you Cashie?

19:09 Thank you for the introduction Ewar! Watch out Andre! Big Heather will eat ya! (C)

19:11 With 3 of us all typing at once, comments may be deleted. You've just missed one where I was congratulating Tess Daly on her big boobs.

19:13 Re: Tess Daly, I'm now single! Tell Peter Kay to do one! (C)

19:16 I knew it wouldn't have been Manford. The dirty get. (C)

19:20 It's been a decent start. Only one mimed performance, and no eggy moments as of yet. Rest assured, this will change. So far we've had Chris Evans cleaning windows, and now we have Lewis Hamilton, Jenson Button and some kids driving go-karts.

19:23 What Wogan? Did you say more Helen Skelton? Yes please! Oh wait, you've just showed Miley Cyrus, I feel deflated. (C)

19:24 It's my boy Reggie Yates! Ah, but now it's Westlife. I'll go and get a glass of water. PS I think Dan is cooking his tea.

19:29 It's Colin Farrell with an earring in both ears! Reminds me to "purchase" London Boulevard, which looks a bit "oi oi, propa nawty". Nice to see Ray Winstone branching out into wider roles as well. In this one, he plays a Cockney gangster!

19:34 We've had our first nightmare of the evening, and no surprise it's come from Tezza! Having got rattled over mixing up website/Westlife, he then chucked a load of money on the floor out of the collection bucket. Time to retire Sir Tezza!

19:36 Tess Daly telling Tezza to frisk the audience for change? Well she can frisk me for change any time she wants! But Christ, Victor Meldrew's hair has grew! (C)

19:38 We've switched over to the regional output now for a few minutes. Where I am we have Joanne Malin at an ice-rink in Coventry. I can imagine it's the same kind of stuff elsewhere. That is all for now.

19:41 We're getting lots of visitors - thanks for reading! Particular you, all the way in Panama. PANAMA! Wowzers. Hope you're enjoying our nonsense.

19:48 That was an excellent moment! JLS (screams like a girl) walked out with a big cheque courtesy of Radio 2 listeners. The conversation went like this:

Tess: "Marvin, tell us how Radio 2 listeners raised that fantastic amount!"

Marvin JLS: "Erm...yeah, it's Terry's station and..erm...yeah, they did stuff. Great total!"

19:51 Was that Tubby Alan Turner? Legend! (C)

19:54 So I take it that Kylie is helping Top Gear audition for the next Stig? (C)

20:00 As much as I like Karen Gillan, I don't like Dr. Who. I'm going to scour the cupboards for snacks. (C)

20:08 It's Strictly Come Dancing popstars special, and we have a Saturday vs a McFly. I'm trying to get excited by this but I'm completely failing. Is it wrong of me to watch the darts instead for a bit?

20:29 We're back and it's the Hairy Bikers! I LOVE these guys! They seem to be singing along to Meatloaf in a greasy spoon cafe. Of course.

20:36 I'm still watching Children in Need, although Chinese Takeout will be arriving soon. But my God, its a load of rubbish so far. (C)

20:37 Chinese Takeout - what a band they are.

20:43 You're not missing anything, just a video of The Saturdays performing their latest. For me, it's all about Mollie (I like Rochelle as well) but Dan's favourite is Una. I don't know if Cash has a favourite Saturday. I imagine right now he's more interested in scoffing a chow mein.

20:50 Interesting.

20:56 A grown woman in the audience is crying over JLS. Unbelievable, really.

21:09 Ongoing currently is a hilarious mash-up of Eastenders and Coronation Street. As I don't watch either, the genius and hilarity of the situation is lost on me, to be honest. Meanwhile, Dan is watching ITV instead. The traitor.

21:20 That chow mien was lovely Ewar. I'm impartial to the Saturdays, but Una is a bit of a treat. The East Street mash-up was actually best thing so far. Now we have the fat Lorraine Kelly. That's great. (C)

21:26 Just want to state I don't like Cheryl Cole. Anyway these kids, don't worry kiddies, I had the same problem. No fecker wanted to sit next to me either. Where was my help? Where was my cooker? Where was my washing machine? That's right, still in bleeding Dixon's. I believe the men in white coats will be arriving shortly. (C)

21:32 Thankyou Cash, for doing an update at the exact same time as me two times in a row, thus deleting my musings. Blogger is shit like that. Anyway, yes, so what was I saying? Oh, I can't remember. Something about Susan Boyle being mentally ill. Anyway, here's BARROWMAN! (shakes fist)

21:37 John Barrowman's suit is really something else. White with coloured spots. It looks....well, interesting.

21:40 This Alexandra Burke song is shite, but there aren't many things I wouldn't do to put my face between those legs (D)

21:41 To be honest Dan, I can't stand her. Needs a good hit with a shovel. However, I think she slipped out an "Awooga!" somewhere. (C)

21:43 I see Dan has announced himself with a bang there. Apparently (I wasn't listening) Barrowman just called Alexandra "Andrea". Easy mistake to make.

21:46 OH MY GOD IT'S EAST 17!!

(not really, it's Take That. I don't get it.)

21: 48 There's one person who is fucking peeved to the max that Take That have reformed proper. This bloke Check him out. (D)

22:00 It's 10pm, which signals a wee break as we have the national news and regional news. If you fancy, it's Celeb Mastermind on BBC 2. I'm off for a lie down and a chocolate bar.

22:38 And we're back! Sadly, Tess Daly and her lovely boobs have been replaced by that skinny, mouthy chav, Fearne Cotton.

22:47 Since the break we've had Tom Jones. And Tom Jones. And some more Tom Jones. There's not a lot to say, really.

22:55 Oooooooh it's newsreaders time! Fiona Bruce! Sophie Raworth! Susanna Reid! Oh yes. Oh yes indeed.

23:03 Well, that was enjoyable until Louie Spence turned up. But no time to rest on our laurels! Oh no sir! It's Dragons Den Come Dine with Me special! Complete with Dave Lamb voiceover!

23:07 No idea why this has been shunted off till 11pm - it's the best thing of the night, to be honest. In other news, I have no idea where Dan and Cash are. Probably given up. Don't blame them. This is good though.

23:10 Peter Jones is a legend, let's be honest. And this hasn't changed my opinion, in any way whatsoever, that Duncan Bannatyne is a massive twat.

23:19 Interview with two of the Dragons, and amusingly the winner, Theo Paphitis, appears to be completely and truly rat-arsed. Splendid.

23:26 Peter Andre performs blasphemous bordering on illegal version of Michael Jackson classic Man in the Mirror. I'm no MJ fan, but I mean come on...would you ask the Woolpackers to do a Wurzels number? (D)

23:34 Pixie Lott. Ah, Pixie. Sweet, lovely, Pixie. If you're reading this love, I'd be more than happy to give you the most uncomfortable 7 seconds of your life.

Oh okay, sorry. But it's after the watershed.

23:49 The Hairy Bikers have just arrived at a greasy spoon cafe, and are now singing along to Meatloaf. Yes, correct. We've been here before. The fact that they're repeating stuff suggests I won't be around for too much longer I'm afraid folks. But it's been fun, eh?

23:53 Oh good. The slags from 'Loose Women'. This will end well.

00:05 It is now past midnight, and considering they've begun to repeat stuff, and there seems to be an awful lot of West End musical shite coming up, that's quite enough for me. Many thanks to Dan and Cash for their assistance. Many thanks to you for reading.

There's still time to donate, of course - no matter when you're reading this - over at

But, for now, it's thankyou, and goodnight.

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