Writers Gonna Write!

Dear readers,

Something truly staggering has happened. Over the past few weeks, my local paper The Sloppy Star has been inundated with bafflingly barmy letters - and I mean inundated. I don't use the "I" word lightly, don't you worry about that. Now, if you're a long term reader you'll know all about the letters page and the bonkers correspondents, but in the past few weeks the volume of said scribblings has increased dramatically. It's actually quite awe-inspiring, but also rather fucking scary. In one particular edition, there were eight stupid letters to marvel at. 8! EIGHT! IN ONE PAPER! That's....I mean....wow.

I like to be a good and responsible blogger, so every letter of the magical variety I saw, I saved the paper. Thus my room now looks like the awkward bit in your local library where they stockpile old newspapers, but it's these sacrifices I make which enables this blog, TRAROTL, to once again retain it's crown as Britain's Most Beloved Blog, as voted for by Blogger Insider magazine readers*.

I've lost count of how many letters I have to analyse for your reading pleasure, but I suspect it's getting close to 20 now. Naturally I shan't be covering them all in this blog entry - I'll spread them out over the next...say...3 years or so, but before I drown in print, let us make a start.

*May or may not be real.

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Calm down dear it's only a Coalition which is falling apart.


Not really. Not yet.

"How can I stay in power?" said Cameron. "I know, we'll have a vote."


Hmmm?

AV, first past the post or name out of a hat. "Name out of the hat", that's the one said Cameron, "My name on every vote," said Cameron. A wonderful idea, dear.


John R Brown
Shrewsbury


A promising start, I think we can agree?

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At the time of writing this letter, there is much confusion as to whether Osama Bin Laden is dead or not. 


This letter is taken from The Shropshire Star of May 9th, 2011, exactly one week after Bin Laden was shot and killed by US military. There wasn't any confusion about Bin Laden's status then, nor is there now. Dead, isn't he? As dead as a Dido.

Dodo.

There is much finger pointing at other countries involved, including Pakistan and it can soon escalate into another war. I am not aware of the procedure in other countries, but it may be a useful exercise to ascertain if there have been any children registered with a bin Laden as the father in recent years since 2002.

This is unintentional genius.

Nurse: "Do we have a name for the father, to put on the birth certificate?"
Mother: "Bin Laden. Osama."
Nurse: "How lovely. And what does Mr Bin Laden do?"
Mother: "International terrorist, warlord and overseer of a violent and fundamentalist group consisting of a multinational, stateless Sunni army which strives for global Jihad."
Nurse: "I'll just put 'Political Campaigner' on the document itself, so I will!"

That conversation took place in Ireland, judging by the last sentence.

I am saying this because there have been reports of his death since then.


Which were false.

Speaking of which, there should be a death certificate issued. However, like Barack Obama's birth certificate, it could take up to three years to find.


Trevor Mytton
Shrewsbury


Sigh. http://www.snopes.com/politics/obama/birthcertificate.asp

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In the first-past-the-post contest of female hats at the royal wedding, Mrs Cameron was the clear winner.


Letter taken from Tuesday May 10th, so you can see that, much like the first letter, these unfunny idiots are taking every opportunity they can take to crowbar in references to the AV vote of a few days previous.

Her choice was original and outstanding. The PM has real class for a wife.


I should hope so, considering her background which is, shall we say, "privileged".

Fred Phipps
Minsterley


That's it? Seriously?

Look, I'm no expert on writing letters, but I can't help thinking that a letter into The Shropshire Star, lest we forget, should at least try and cover a minimum of one of these areas:

1) Something about Shropshire
2) Something of national interest
3) Something which contributes to an ongoing debate/issue, either locally or nationally
4) Something amusing
5) Something interesting

With that in mind, I'd mark Fred's letter as 0/50. Quite some achievement.

Let's have one more for now. I think I can cope with one more as long as it isn't from my long-term arch nemesis, Val Duncan.

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The Greek bailout...get a life.


Oh Val. This relationship is only going to end one way, I fear - a duel to the death at Reichenbach Falls. A nice literary reference there for my highly sophisticated readership.

Do you really believe "we are reluctant, but we will do it anyway" will cut any ice?


Sorry....me? Me personally? Well, Val, errm...well I suppose that's just the way it is, isn't it? They use the Euro, so I suppose it's financially sensible for the other Euro using nations to buck them up a bit. But thanks for asking, appreciate it.

You are on a slippery slope to nowhere.


Fucking hell, that was just an opinion off the top of my head. Lay off a bit eh?

Think about it.


Right.

Major is an irrelevant force.


Major? Wait....JOHN Major? John Major, Prime Minister between 1990-1997? Are you....what?

Blair is toxic.


Tony Bliar - he lies about EVERYTHING - is "toxic". WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?

Brown is toxic.


You've done that one.

Clegg is toxic.


Everybody is "toxic". We get it. This is like a karaoke rendition of Britney's song "Toxic", only sung by a xenophobic lunatic.

Miliband is a national joke.


I think this is a tad harsh. Nevertheless, WHAT in the name of bejesus are you talking about? What is your point Val?

Now the country has its sights set on Cameron.


?????????????????

All of them are leaders who sold their country out - they trashed our laws and imported foreign laws illegally.


After a slow and bizarre start, Val has settled down and has resorted to her safe ground - the EU is shit, we should tell Europe to fuck off, foreign laws blah blah blah. She'll carry on this theme for a little while longer.

They wrecked the economy and sold everything off to Europe. They got us involved in unwanted (and expensive) wars. They sold off our gold reserves. They gave money we didn't have to countries with more reserves than we have and fed the insatiable EU. They bailed out a currency we didn't use. They gave money to educate foreign children while putting our students in debt. All of them are traitors to the British people.


Vintage Val! But here comes an odd change of tack.

The country has sussed out what is going on, just look how the last party leaders were got in.


This is a very odd statement, but luckily Val doesn't just ditch it and move on, she proceeds to dig herself a big hole in trying to explain it. We're going in, folks!

Clegg was pushed onto the dumb Lib Dems. It took the Communist unions to push Miliband into place. And it took AV to put Cameron in over David Davis.


Right.

a) Nick Clegg wasn't exactly "pushed onto" the Liberal Democrats. He stood against Chris Huhne in an election determined by party members.

b) I dislike trade unions - a debate for another day - but to describe them as 'Communist' is facile. Mind you, it is a shame they interfered in that election. If they hadn't voted in Miliband, just think! The leader would have been....Miliband.

c) The Conservatives do not use AV in their leader elections. You are an idiot and I hate you.

Let's move on!

All of them were placed to weaken and destroy their parties and the country for an EU takeover.


Long term readers will understand that this isn't satire - that Val isn't a comic creation dreamt up by a mate of mine, or myself. It COULD be a wind-up - if it is, it's sensational. I fear it isn't though.

Only the party faithful are too dumb to see it. The rest of the country are far more intelligent.


At this point I, and I suspect you, are thinking "Let's wrap it up now eh Val love?". Not yet my friends, she's got more!

But the country will redress the balance and when it is ready it will pull down the coalition and vote an anti-EU party into power. Look around, it's already starting to happen across Europe and it will happen here. The EU is a busted flush and the country will make sure all of you fall along with it unless we get a vote to come out of the EU. You can't win this one...


Back to me again, are we?

600 against 60 million is very poor odds.


600? I'm going to assume Val is meaning MPs here, of which there are 649 currently sitting in the House of Commons. But thinking about it, trying to assume anything Val Duncan means is an exercise in futility - her mind is a strange ol' place after all.

The country has a long memory and a sharp sense of justice. It will take its revenge, be sure of it.


Val fucking Duncan
Telford


Until next time, you deranged nut.

Sloppy Sloppy Goodness

It's The Sloppy Star. It's Val Duncan from Telford. You know the drill.

A nationwide vote will be held if there is another European treaty, ministers have vowed.


Interesting. Well, thanks for that Val. Have a lovely Christmas, won't you?

Do they think we fell off a Christmas tree?


I very much doubt it, Val. Mainly because I can't think of one single occasion - real or fictional - where someone has fallen off a Christmas tree. Generally, it doesn't really tend to happen. Don't get me wrong- judging by the shit you write into the letters pages with every so often, there's a good chance you have suffered some kind of injury to the brain. Nevertheless, did it occur after falling off a Christmas tree? Not likely, know what I'm saying?

That would make a good episode of Corrie, though. Fuck tram crashes.

Do they think we don't know the Lisbon Treaty is self-amending?


Yes, did you not hear about this? An interesting new concept, where a written treaty amends itself. Yeah, it's clever like that. Think they borrowed the idea from Harry Potter, and then a team of nerds spent a year devising it. Pretty much like how my laptop automatically updates itself.

Are we not aware that the EU will take bits of power time after time until they get all they want?


Val's next paragraph may just be one of my favourite things ever written. Honestly. It is magnificent.


Then they can split our country into regions with a number already registered. England will probably become part of France under French rule.


Wow - and I mean that.

I've just sat here for 5 minutes pondering how to tackle this. I'm still not too sure, however what I will do is make an open appeal to the person who edits The Slop's letters page, right now:

Sir,

I honestly think Val Duncan is mentally ill. For proof, please see the paragraph above. May I request that you seriously re-consider publishing her letters in the future? It is only embarrassing her family.

Kind regards,

Ewar

For pity's sake stop thinking you are all so clever and everyone believes you...because they don't.


End of letter. Another classic, Val.

HOWEVER.

I have a problem here, Val. Because in a previous letter you wrote into The Slop, you said, AND I QUOTE, this:

"By this time next year there will probably not be a Westminster Parliament or any need for one."


How do I know you said this Val? Because I wrote a blog post, just like this one, about your letter from which that paragraph came from. Said blog post can be found here:

http://theriseandriseoftimlovejoy.blogspot.com/2009/08/sorry-mr-anonymous.html

When did I write that blog entry? Why, it appears to be Sunday, 23rd August 2009. Which, by my basic maths, means your statement of:

"By this time next year there will probably not be a Westminster Parliament or any need for one."


is wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. Which is why, Val, as soon as I finish this blog entry, I will be e-mailing in a letter of my own to The Shropshire Star. Will they print it? I don't know. Probably not. But just in case they don't, here's the gist of my letter:

Now that I've proved that you are WRONG, I want a public apology, particularly for anyone who was naive enough to be misled by your outlandish statement. Also, now that everyone can see you are WRONG, I ask that you stop embarrassing yourself. Stop writing in with these ridiculous letters which the majority of people point at and laugh, and do something else instead. That is all.

Hear that sound, Val? That's the sound of a gauntlet being thrown down, love.

BOGOF

You buy one, you get one free! I SAID, you buy one, you get one free!!

Remember that advert? I bloody hated it. Anyway, Monday's Sloppy Star saw two rather splendid letters - one from an old friend, and the other from a new, inexperienced rookie. Let's tackle the first one first (funnily enough) and welcome the latest effort from dear Val Duncan:

Re. my story about our royalty and I use the word "royalty" loosely because we have no Queen.

We don't? Who's that old woman who lectures me at about 3pm every Christmas Day then? I demand to know who this woman actually is.

On the signing of the Lisbon Treaty, we have become a state (county) of Europe and as a state we are a small part of a larger entity ie. Europe. Counties cannot have a monarch; can we have a queen of Yorkshire, a queen of Hereford, perhaps?

I lived on the South Coast for 12 years. There's plenty of fucking queens in Brighton, let me tell you.

Let us look at our German royalty, family name Saxe-Coburg changed to Windsor because it sounded more British. But if you know modern history you will know the strong relationship with Germany. Edward the Eighth was a friend of Adolph (sic) Hitler and was willing to surrender Britain to Nazi Germany as long as he could keep his royal status.

YES! "Ego" by The Saturdays is on Spotify. I love this shit.

Elizabeth Saxe-Coburg

Windsor.

walked the streets of London and saw the devastation and pain the British people endured to fight for freedom and independence, then proceeded to sign six treaties to sell out our independence, laws and liberties to a Franco-German EU.

Don't tell me that its time for going solo...you need to knock some sense into your ego!

(does some weird dance moves)

Sorry, I realise this isn't like my usual cutting, scathing ripostes, but if she's going to list a big fat load of irrelevance than so am I.

Blair, Brown and co.

Please, Val! I think you'll find it's spelt "Bliar", as he lied about everything.

betrayed us big time and pulled this country to its knees, but at least Brown only signed one treaty. The Queen signed six.

Interesting, considering you've already said that we're not a country anymore, and that we have no Queen.

Maybe since she likes Europe so much she should go and live there with her Greek husband. I'm sure they have a palace or two they could provide her with.

Senseless, twisted, bitter, racist, deluded ramblings. Talking of which, let's have a look at the second letter of our double bill. Good evening, John R Brown of Shrewsbury!

We've sold Cadbury's to America. There's little left. Why not solve some of our money problems? Sell the Royals. A photo of Mickey Mouse with the Queen and guest. You'll make a fortune.

Will the last one to leave the UK please turn out the light.

End of letter.

I don't really know what to say about this, to be honest. I'm just going to presume it's a shot at humour, and not someone thinking that Cadbury's now belonging to Kraft spells the end of the UK, and that we should all emigrate instantly.

However, thinking about it, maybe he has a point, and so I've just booked my flight to Boston.

So long, suckers!