At the moment Mark Kermode is on Newsnight Review, I don't know whether I love or hate or Kermode, I definitely have some sort of ambivalence towards him.
Morrissey is meant to be on tonight's show but he's cancelled his tour dates so I doubt this very much. I'm very disappointed about this. However to make up for this I shall be linking to other artists, you should check them out. Some of them will be laughable.
11:26 - Kermode doing his usual 'Its a book, not a movie...I don't like it' routine. I hate him.
11:28 - Dan Brown! Dun-dun-dun. I hope Kermode and his immovable hair rip into this.
11:32 - Kermode calls 'Angels & Demons' 'the stupidest movie ever.' He's obviously never seen Freddy Got Fingered.
11:36 - Here we go. And about bloody time too. Ooh, the Lauren Laverne promo for Poetry season. Poetry is absolutely wonderful, I think. But then again, I also think Laverne is attractive and Richard Sneekes was the best player ever so make of that what you will. Line-up:
Annie Lennox; New York Dolls (I hope they play Pills); Asher Roth; Little Boots; Daniel Merriweather; Lisa Hannigan and Jon Allen.
11:40 - New York Dolls up first. Lead singer looks like a cross between Mike Read, Mick Jagger and a monkey. All the instrument holders look like twats. I'm not really enjoying this and you're listening to a man who has a NYD album. Far too country/blues-y for my liking. Bit shit really, too much fretwanking and rubbish lyrics. Alternatively try 4 Poundz
11:44 - Daniel Merriweather aka the man who, alongside Mark Ronson, caused 'Stop Me If You Think You've Heard This One Before' by The Smiths die a million deaths. I already don't like him, I don't like his style. Now shadow boxing with the microphone. Daniel Mayweather he is not. Too much brass if you ask me. Area 15 deserve a bit more attention.
11:48 - Jools wishing Morrissey well. Probably calling him a prick under his breath.
11:50 - Some sort of electro-synth pop courtesy of Little Boots. She's missed the train by about two years, unfortunately. According to Jools she's from Blackpool, sadly she isn't a drag act. A tambourine has entered proceedings. Now we're talking, love.
11:52 - Annie Lennox. I'll take bets now on how long it takes her to mention some form of charidee. Two men in the background sniggering at Jools' interviewing technique. Jools' magic tele is back and it is showing us pictures of men in dresses. My kind of night this.
Annie is wearing a blouse with cards on it. As in King of hearts and stuff. Maybe she's expecting a game of strip poker!?
11:57 - After a large round of Annie bumming we now have Lisa Hannigan. She's Irish, I would. Dances a bit like an inuit on fire, mind. Wow! An accordion! Not seen one of them since the gypsies over the back got 'removed.' Elbow's succes must have diminished, Guy Garvey is playing double bass, or at least someone who looks like him. She's Irish, I would. Song is a bit dull mind. You could try this instead.
12:01 - This Asher Roth dude knows how to work the crowd. I believe he's been touted as the next Eminem. By Lovejoy, I understand which is quite apt. I do my research you know. It's not a bad song to be fair to the lad, looks like two Indie boys rapping. It gets you moving. He's taking over the whole floor, this guy rules. Annie Lennox having a fit in the corner, what...you mean thats dancing? Asher Roth has owned this whole show so far. He's blown everyone out of the water. Frankie Boyle/Scott Brown look-a-like on decks.
12:05 - Here's Annie. No idea what the lyrics are, she seems to be caterwauling a bit. She's got her grubby mits on Jools' piano and she's stole a Lloyd Cole lyric. Honestly, some people. More Asher Roth, less Lennox. You want a proper solo artist, check out Steve.
12:09 - Everyone applauds Lennox and Jools less than smoothly moves on to David Johansen. He looks smashed of his face, David, not Jools. "What music was happening in the 1970's?" Shut up, Jools, please.
12:13 - Morrissey helped reform New York Dolls!! As much as I love Morrissey, why? Why do this to us? This is karma, him doing this and then being ill on the night. We all know what a Norwegian Bachelor is now as well...a man with a lot of stuff. Interesting.
12:16 - Back to Merriweather. I've no doubt him and his vocal acrobatics will be huge. The next Daniel Beddingfield or Daniel Powter and just as boring as his two namesakes. This is super dull, a really horrible ballad. Ando no dull ballad is complete without a false ending and then a massive key change. He's just shouting now. His clothes smell like ciggies apparently, shame they aren't on fire.
12:20 - A much catchier NYD number. Better riff, bigger drums, shouty vocals. I really like this one, 'My World.' The guitarist knows that was miles better than the last.
12:23 - Some geezer called Jon Allen now. Looks a bit like a chimney sweep with an acoustic. Got a really gruff voice when he holds notes. Bit of sandpaper vocals going on. Another dull song, honestly. One for the David Gray/Scott Matthews fans amongst you.
12:26 - Little Boots churning out her more cheerier version of Goldfrapp songs. If she did something with her hair - and her music - I'd consider dating her.
12:28 - Jools hasn't tinkled the ivories yet. Even he must be afraid to make the show any more dull.
12:30 - When does this bloody finish? It's the Irish girl I'd do things too again. Not if I was in a club though and I saw her dancing, I'd steer well clear. I'm beginning to wonder if she went to the Quaker school of dancing.
12:33 - Merriweather means toilet break. If I don't return I've died of boredom.
12:38 - I'm alive and NYD are doing 'Trash.' I bloody well have this song, a night for dullards is ending quite well. I'm proper feeling the drummer he looks quite good. Here comes the Reggae breakdown!! Oh yeah! Some calypso rhythms here. The oldun's do it best, eh?
So thats all for tonight (thank God!). I've no idea how Ewar does this it was bloody hard, actually. Didn't help that the show was as dull as dishwater. If I'd have done all of last week's I'd have ripped Paolo Nutini to shreds, I promise. The credits have rolled and its time for me to go and listen to some proper music so this is me signing out.