Friday, 15 May 2009

Live Blogging...Jools Holland #2

Hello! Unfortunately Ewar is feeling under the weather tonight (or out on the razz) so I, Merciless Public, will be taking over live blogging duties for one night only. This is my first live blogging experience so you should be excited, anything could happen. I might even do it right. 

At the moment Mark Kermode is on Newsnight Review, I don't know whether I love or hate or Kermode, I definitely have some sort of ambivalence towards him.

Morrissey is meant to be on tonight's show but he's cancelled his tour dates so I doubt this very much. I'm very disappointed about this. However to make up for this I shall be linking to other artists, you should check them out. Some of them will be laughable. 

11:26 - Kermode doing his usual 'Its a book, not a movie...I don't like it' routine. I hate him.

11:28 - Dan Brown! Dun-dun-dun. I hope Kermode and his immovable hair rip into this.

11:32 - Kermode calls 'Angels & Demons' 'the stupidest movie ever.' He's obviously never seen Freddy Got Fingered.

11:36 - Here we go. And about bloody time too. Ooh, the Lauren Laverne promo for Poetry season. Poetry is absolutely wonderful, I think. But then again, I also think Laverne is attractive and Richard Sneekes was the best player ever so make of that what you will. Line-up:
Annie Lennox; New York Dolls (I hope they play Pills); Asher Roth; Little Boots; Daniel Merriweather; Lisa Hannigan and Jon Allen.

11:40 - New York Dolls up first. Lead singer looks like a cross between Mike Read, Mick Jagger and a monkey. All the instrument holders look like twats. I'm not really enjoying this and you're listening to a man who has a NYD album. Far too country/blues-y for my liking. Bit shit really, too much fretwanking and rubbish lyrics. Alternatively try 4 Poundz

11:44 - Daniel Merriweather aka the man who, alongside Mark Ronson, caused 'Stop Me If You Think You've Heard This One Before' by The Smiths die a million deaths. I already don't like him, I don't like his style.  Now shadow boxing with the microphone. Daniel Mayweather he is not. Too much brass if you ask me. Area 15 deserve a bit more attention.

11:48 - Jools wishing Morrissey well. Probably calling him a prick under his breath.

11:50 - Some sort of electro-synth pop courtesy of Little Boots. She's missed the train by about two years, unfortunately. According to Jools she's from Blackpool, sadly she isn't a drag act. A tambourine has entered proceedings. Now we're talking, love.

11:52 - Annie Lennox. I'll take bets now on how long it takes her to mention some form of charidee. Two men in the background sniggering at Jools' interviewing technique. Jools' magic tele is back and it is showing us pictures of men in dresses. My kind of night this. 

Annie is wearing a blouse with cards on it. As in King of hearts and stuff. Maybe she's expecting a game of strip poker!?

11:57 - After a large round of Annie bumming we now have Lisa Hannigan. She's Irish, I would. Dances a bit like an inuit on fire, mind. Wow! An accordion! Not seen one of them since the gypsies over the back got 'removed.' Elbow's succes must have diminished, Guy Garvey is playing double bass, or at least someone who looks like him. She's Irish, I would. Song is a bit dull mind. You could try this instead.

12:01 - This Asher Roth dude knows how to work the crowd. I believe he's been touted as the next Eminem. By Lovejoy, I understand which is quite apt. I do my research you know. It's not a bad song to be fair to the lad, looks like two Indie boys rapping. It gets you moving. He's taking over the whole floor, this guy rules. Annie Lennox having a fit in the corner, mean thats dancing? Asher Roth has owned this whole show so far. He's blown everyone out of the water. Frankie Boyle/Scott Brown look-a-like on decks.

12:05 - Here's Annie. No idea what the lyrics are, she seems to be caterwauling a bit. She's got her grubby mits on Jools' piano and she's stole a Lloyd Cole lyric. Honestly, some people. More Asher Roth, less Lennox. You want a proper solo artist, check out Steve.

12:09 - Everyone applauds Lennox and Jools less than smoothly moves on to David Johansen. He looks smashed of his face, David, not Jools. "What music was happening in the 1970's?" Shut up, Jools, please. 

12:13 - Morrissey helped reform New York Dolls!! As much as I love Morrissey, why? Why do this to us? This is karma, him doing this and then being ill on the night. We all know what a Norwegian Bachelor is now as well...a man with a lot of stuff. Interesting.

12:16 - Back to Merriweather. I've no doubt him and his vocal acrobatics will be huge. The next Daniel Beddingfield or Daniel Powter and just as boring as his two namesakes. This is super dull, a really horrible ballad. Ando no dull ballad is complete without a false ending and then a massive key change. He's just shouting now. His clothes smell like ciggies apparently, shame they aren't on fire.

12:20 - A much catchier NYD number. Better riff, bigger drums, shouty vocals. I really like this one, 'My World.' The guitarist knows that was miles better than the last.

12:23 - Some geezer called Jon Allen now. Looks a bit like a chimney sweep with an acoustic. Got a really gruff voice when he holds notes. Bit of sandpaper vocals going on. Another dull song, honestly. One for the David Gray/Scott Matthews fans amongst you.

12:26 - Little Boots churning out her more cheerier version of Goldfrapp songs. If she did something with her hair - and her music - I'd consider dating her.

12:28 - Jools hasn't tinkled the ivories yet. Even he must be afraid to make the show any more dull.

12:30 - When does this bloody finish? It's the Irish girl I'd do things too again. Not if I was in a club though and I saw her dancing, I'd steer well clear. I'm beginning to wonder if she went to the Quaker school of dancing.

12:33 - Merriweather means toilet break. If I don't return I've died of boredom.

12:38 - I'm alive and NYD are doing 'Trash.' I bloody well have this song, a night for dullards is ending quite well. I'm proper feeling the drummer he looks quite good. Here comes the Reggae breakdown!! Oh yeah! Some calypso rhythms here. The oldun's do it best, eh?

So thats all for tonight (thank God!). I've no idea how Ewar does this it was bloody hard, actually. Didn't help that the show was as dull as dishwater. If I'd have done all of last week's I'd have ripped Paolo Nutini to shreds, I promise. The credits have rolled and its time for me to go and listen to some proper music so this is me signing out.

Premier League Predictions

Last week, Mark "Lawro" Lawrenson got 4 results right, with 1 perfect score. Ewarwoowar MP not only fiddled with his expenses, but got 6 results right with 1 perfect score! That gives me a win, and overall it's now Lawro 5-3 Ewarwoowar. How exciting! This weekend, there's probably a lot of rubbish games no-one cares about, so for those games I'll just give score prediction, and no insightful and witty commentary.

Man United vs Arsenal - We need a point, and a point only. I think we'll get it! 1-1

Bolton vs Hull - Hull are sliding like crazy, and have slipped into the bottom three for the first time. Bolton have nothing to play for, but neither did Stoke, and they easily beat Hull. 1-1

Everton vs West Ham - 2-0

Middlesbrough vs Aston Villa - Boro are a terrible team, and I just don't know where they're going to get goals from. Villa have gone on holiday though, so a tight home win. 1-0

Newcastle vs Fulham - Similar to the game above. I think the Toon will win, Fulham won't fancy going up there with nothing riding on it. 2-0

Stoke vs Wigan - 1-0

Tottenham vs Man City - 2-0

West Brom vs Liverpool - Title could be all over before this game takes place, which could have an impact on the result. I want WBA to win, I hope WBA win, but they won't. 1-3

Chelsea vs Blackburn - 2-0

Portsmouth vs Sunderland - 1-1

Mark Lawrenson was talking to BBC Sport's Saj Chowdhury. I was talking to Moussam, my little house-elf sitting at the end of my bed.

If you have nothing better to do tonight, join me at 23:35 tonight where I will be live-blogging "Later with Jools Holland". Tonight's rubbish include Little Boots and New York Dolls, and no doubt a bit of "boogie-woogie" piano playing from the main man himself.

Thursday, 14 May 2009

Well, Fancy That!

My mother is doing the ironing in The Ginger Prince's playroom, whilst watching "Great Big British Menu" on the iPlayer. I walked in to have a quick browse of the mail (nothing for me, thankfully) and just as I was walking out, Jenni Bond shouted this out in a excited voice:

"But he's facing tough competition, from fiercely ambitious newcomer - Aidan Byrne!"

Socialist, lecturer, map twat, blogger, fencer, and now fiercely ambitious chef. Anything this man can't do?

Wednesday, 13 May 2009

Democracy Gone Mad

I've spent the afternoon designing 3 pictures on a free program called GIMP. Yes, that says GIMP. As I mentioned in the previous post, I am hoping to get a picture at the top of my blog, and the 3 pics I've knocked up are my 3 candidates. So, who's going to choose the winner? Me? Merciless Public? Lizo Mzimba? 

Actually, it's you. If you look to the right of this, you should find a poll, giving you the choice of voting for either Picture 1, Picture 2, or, funnily enough, Picture 3. Underneath this text, you should find the 3 pics, in order, and I'll see if I can put them underneath the poll itself for future reference. As stated above, the winning pic gets the honour of being the picture that adorns my blog, so choose wisely, dear readers - this will be the first thing new visitors will see. I think the poll lasts for 7 days, so if you need time to think about your choice, you're maybe thinking a bit too much about it. Here we go:

Pics will always be in this order - 1) Ana 2) Lovejoy 3) Ronnie. To make it even more democratic, I shall not vote - I'm leaving it upto you folks. The more votes, the more the people are represented. Now go and vote for Picture 1, for God's sake.

EDIT: It turns out I can't just have 3 options, I have to have 4, hence the "None of them" option. If that wins, I'll have a picture of a chicken, or something. Mmm, chicken.

Tuesday, 12 May 2009

Technical Matters

Hullo everyone, nothing exciting to blog about today, but I do need help with two technical thingies and I trust my dear readers to help me out.

Firstly, something Merciless Public drew my attention to. When looking at someone's "blog roll", the custom is for the person's latest blog entry to be listed underneath their title. e.g. (at the time of writing) underneath The Plashing Vole it says "Mmmm Vinyl" - Under my title, "The Rise and Rise..." there is nothing. 
Also, Merciless Public informs me that my updates don't even appear on his Reading List thing either, even though he's following me. Does anyone know why this might be? I presume I've clicked on something, somewhere, somehow, but I can't for the life of me work out how to fix it. 

Secondly, I'm looking to make a picture to go at the top of my blog. I was thinking of doing a collage thing, had a few ideas floating around. However, I don't have Photoshop, and I don't have the finances to purchase it. Is there a free program I can download that does the same stuff as Photoshop? Could I use "Paint"?

Any ideas/responses/suggestions for either of these would be greatly appreciated. I am a bit of a technophobe, you see. 

EDIT - I have fixed the first problem myself, as I'm a flipping genius. Now I just need help for software that is a free alternative to Photoshop. Any suggestions, dear readers?

Monday, 11 May 2009

You're crazy in the coconut!

I've had a really mad day so far. It all started, dear reader, last night.

Sunday nights around my house are roast dinner nights, without fail. About 6pm I wandered downstairs to ask father if he wanted to have a sneaky glass of sherry before dinner (shut your mouth, Merciless), something of a ritual for us on a Sunday night. I walked into the computer room...not there. Lounge...not there. Dining room...not there. Turns out father wasn't feeling very well, so he was asleep in bed, and mum was making pasta for dinner instead. Fair enough.

I thought nothing more of it, and after spending an interesting and productive night on the internet (no, not pornography, you sod) I collapsed into bed at 3am, looking forward to a long and marvellous sleep. Which promptly didn't materialise, as I was woken up at 7:30am. Dad still wasn't feeling brilliant, and now Mum was feeling sick, meaning it was up to little old me to take The Ginger Prince to school. I did that, came home, felt a bit tired (not long to go in this story, don't worry) so decided to go back to bed for a few more hours kip. Next thing I knew, I was being woken up by The Ginger One, at 3:30pm. I'm not joking, either. I have no idea how he got home, but I like the thought of him being like an animal, and having a homing instinct and getting home himself. More likely father picked him up, but there you go.

Anyway, I've just watched Countdown, and typed this. It's 16:13, and I feel like the day is just starting. There's absolutely no way I'm getting to sleep tonight. 
If you're still reading this, a) congratulations and b) you're mad. Have a video for your troubles - my favourite video at the moment: