Ewar's Screenwipe Audition

To be honest with you, I don't watch much television. If you take away live sport, sport-based programmes, films and comedy, what else do I watch?

• Top Gear
• Jonathan Creek
• TV Burp
• Have I Got News For You
• Unsolved Mysteries (I fricking love that, tbf)
• Jerry Springer
• Erm...

Yeah, I'm struggling now. I don't watch soaps. I don't watch reality TV. No shows like Spooks, CSI, NCIS or ERA+ for me. No daytime TV. Nothing on a Sunday at all.

ANYWAY the point of all this is that last night I was flicking through the channels, looking for something vaguely interesting to have on in the background whilst I waited for the baseball to start at midnight. And then I found it - the absolute holy grail.

LIVINGit channel.

Oh my god! This shit is amazing. Last night I watched 2 1/2 programmes on there (I'll explain the 1/2 in a bit) and I'll be damned if I now won't tell you all about them. The programme that started this madness off? Have a look at this bad boy...

The 45-Stone Virgin

Come on, now. If you can flick through the cable channels, see a programme entitled that, and not want to watch it, than you won't get any cookies round my house.

Annoyingly, the title is slightly misleading, as I excitedly turned over expecting (and hoping, let's be honest) to see an obese man crying whilst stuffing a filled-crust pizza into his pathetic mouth. However, what I saw was a slim, quite good-looking man. You see, David from Arizona had already lost the weight (as well as having other procedures done), so the point of the show was to follow him around and see if he could ditch the ol' V plate.

I understand the hypocrisy here, considering that I'm also a fat man and more like a Supernova than Casanova, but I soon realised David's flaw when it came to the lovely ladies. Here was one attempt of his at chatting to a girl:

David: Hi! I'm David!

Sexy girl: Hey....I'm KaSandra.

David: Hey KaSandra! So...........erm................I mean.................erm............can I have your number then?

(No, I'm not joking, I have witnesses. KaSandra. Seriously.)

Sadly, the show was a bit of anti-climax, quite literally, as with 20 minutes to go David told the world that instead of waiting for the perfect girl, and the perfect time, he had had a drunken fumble with a woman a few nights before. Or, as he so eloquently put it:

"She was like, naked, and then she got me kinda naked, and then...I dont know....I was on top, she was on top....it didn't last very long."

We've all been there David.

More info here: http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/woman/real_life/article2148065.ece

Sally Morgan's Big FAT Operation

Sally Morgan is a psychic. Therefore she is a liar, a fraud and a disgrace, a woman who preys on emotional and gullible people, leaning on the rather dubious notion of "It comforts them" to justify her immoral living. The sad fact is, these morons really do lap it up. Sally Morgan, much like the psychics on American television, has her own TV show and her own sell-out tour. It makes me sick.

In case you've never seen/heard a psychic before, they claim to be able to communicate with the deceased. A typical exchange normally goes something like this:

SM: "And I'm feeling a name....begins with D.....I can see a car?"

Gullible woman: "Oh my god! My husband Dennis! His prized possession was his car!"

SM: "Hello darling. I'm feeling another name now.......beginning with P?"

GW: "Erm....no? Don't think so?"

SM: "R?"

GW: "Nope."

SM: "The forces are a little muddled tonight...difficult to see.....you have a son, yes?"

GW: "Daughter."

SM: "Child, yes. He says he loves you both very, very much."

Gullible woman begins to cry, and get hooked in, and Sally does it again.

ANYWAY the point of this show is that Sally Morgan, "celebrity" psychic, is obese. And she's awfully scared about dying, which is interesting considering how everyone she "talks to" in heaven seems so happy and jolly up there, and want their living relatives to feel at ease as they're having such an amazing time.

After trying (how hard, I'm not too sure) to exercise, and then to diet (ditto) she decides to opt for a gastric bypass to help save her life. That decision is made after advice, on camera, from Katie Price by the way. Obviously. And so she has the operation, looks slimmer, wears a dress for the first time in years and...well, that's it, really. Car-crash TV, yet so damn watchable.

There's a good chance that by the time you look at this, it will be gone, and you won't find it funny. But it's worth a go. See who Wiki thinks is Sally Morgan's spouse: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sally_Morgan_(psychic)

Penis Envy

It was now midnight, which meant that the baseball was starting. Hence, I only half watched this show, as I was flicking (steady on now) between the two channels. However, my good friend Dan watched all of this. Slightly worrying.

Presented by Stephen K. Amos (who I like! I seem to like him and everyone else hates him. Haters gonna hate, but I think he's alright) this show was basically an excuse to show willies, and lots of them, with the laughable subtext of "Do men have penis envy? If so, why? What's the average length?" etc.

The show followed three different men - all of whom were unhappy about their peni (that's the plural, which I've just made up) - as they each tried a different penis-extending device or contraption in order to...well...you can probably guess. The show was interspersed with a stand-up routine from Amos, all about willies (which was terrifically unfunny) and a section where a bunch of middle-aged cock hungry slags sat in an audience and oohed & aahed over some willies. How did the show finish? I don't know, I missed the ending of it. I wonder if any of those devices worked. I might purchase one.

All that, ladies and gentlemen, in just one evening. John Logie Baird - I salute you, sir!