Why so serious?

Just got home to find someone has left me a comment, anonymously. You can see it if you click on the comments section underneath my last blog entry. But if you can't be bothered to do that, here it is:

>>However, saying "nothing to do with us Guv" is not a
>> good argument - it is stupid, ignorant, small-minded
>> and not at all helpful.

And where is it writ that all letters expressing a view should be helpful? And helpful to whom, precisely? Perhaps the very same self-selecting, self-satisfied, juvenile bunch of nu-lab brown nosing sycophants who congregate here, engaging in mutual back-slapping, congratulating each other on their ability to spout the same old same old.

Tim, this endless smart-Alec criticism, the ad hominem attacks, just expose you for the shallow non-thinker you really are. It has got to stop. At least these people in the Shropshire Star are having a go making an attempt to articulate their world view. And you and your clique seek to silence them for not being "helpful". Shame on you!

Well. From here on, I'm watching you. Show a little more respect to the Shropshire Star letter writers. That's an order.

Wow, okay. Errm, right. Well first of all, thankyou, person from Manchester, for your comment. Let's have a look at it in more detail. Your comments in bold, my responses...oh, I guess you know all this already.

And where is it writ that all letters expressing a view should be helpful?

I believe that a letter into a paper, ABOUT THE AFGHANISTAN WAR, should be helpful, in the sense that it should be a point that has been missed in the (lengthy) debate so far. This is not helpful, in this particular context. "But Ewar, he's just airing his view, it's his right!". Yes, my friend, it is. But it's also my right to say what I think about it. It's called free speech. It's called democracy. It's something that I hold dearly, and you should as well. That's why I published your comment, and am now highlighting it - I don't agree with what you say, but I'll die fighting on your behalf to get it aired.

Tim, this endless Smart-Alec criticism, the ad hominem attacks, just expose you for the shallow non-thinker you really are.

How dare you. Seriously. HOW DARE YOU describe Tim Lovejoy as "shallow" and a "non-thinker". I'm not having that. Criticise me all you want, not him. I am Ewarwoowar, for your information. I am half-man, half-badger. Considering how badly bullied I've been throughout my life - people taunting me for my badger like appearance - it is a wonder I can think at all.

It has got to stop.

No, you see, it doesn't. Goodness, I can't believe I'm having to say this yet again. I read the letters page of the Slop with a smile. I critique the letters on here whilst chuckling and trying to think up funny things/jokes that might make my band of readers, or indeed anyone else, at least smile. I certainly don't get angry, and I certainly don't stab my fingers on the keyboard, raging and shouting SCREW YOU SLARK! whilst doing all this.

Quite simply, it's just a bit of fun. If you don't like what I'm doing - that's cool. Now please stop reading. These aren't personal attacks, on anyone - I've never met these people, probably never will. I'm sure they are pleasant people. I just don't agree with them. Yes, I'm sarcastic, I'm a bit callous, I'm smart-alecy, maybe sometimes I'm a bit rude. But it's not heartfelt. Just have a laugh, yeah?

And you and your clique seek to silence them...

What clique? I have a few regular readers, but they're hardly sending me letters and egging me on. I actually resent the idea I have a clique without me knowing it, actually. Hmm, perhaps I should get a clique.

Well. From here on in, I'm watching you.

Oh, for goodness sake. Seriously? Really?

Show a little more respect to the Shropshire Star letter writers.

It depends though, doesn't it? If I pick up the paper tonight, and there is a letter in there, and it says this:

"I AM BLOODY FED UP OF BLACK PEOPLE BEING IN THIS COUNTRY! GET THEM OUT! NOW! PUT THEM ON THE BLOODY BANANA BOATS AND SHIP THEM BACK!"

then I cannot respect that. Sorry. "But Ewar, that is a silly, extreme example!" Yes, it is, I know. But the point here is that I don't HAVE to agree with every letter sent in, and I don't have to RESPECT every letter that's sent in. Once again, that is my democratic right. Good that, innit?

And if I want to make jokes about a letter sent in, why shouldn't I? You can take the piss out of my blog entries, if you want. Actually, please do that! Write a regular letter into The Slop criticising my blog - I would love that.

That's an order.

Seriously? Oh goodness, please chill out, yes? If you don't like what I write - stop visiting my blog, and go and enjoy life. PLEASE. I ask of you that because I'm worried about you. Hatred and bitterness never solved anything, and it never will. Chill out and enjoy life, okay?

I look forward to your response, and you leaving a name next time.

Love,

Tim Lovejoy

It's time to come clean...

...I've been hiding something from you, my dear reader, ever since I started this blog. But now I feel it's time to reveal all. To reveal my little secret.

In the drawer to my left, underneath some socks, I have a phone. Not just any phone though - oh no! This is a phone I've designed myself. It took me 6 years, but I've finally perfected it. Because, ladies and gentlemen, this phone enables me to phone up ANY person, from ANY year in history.

I've taken out the phone - phew! it's heavy - and it's now resting on my desk here. You don't believe me? Okay, fine. Who shall we phone? How about Napoleon Bonaparte?

(taps out an unnecessarily long phone number)

"Allo?"

"Titchy, me old mucker!"

"Who iz theez?"

"It's Ewarwoowar, do you remember me? I phoned you once to swear at you!"

"Sacre bleu! You English pig! Get away, I have a battle at Waterloo to fight!"

(phone gets slammed down)

Well, good luck with that.

Anyway, I've just finished reading a letter written into the Sloppy Star. Let's read it together, and work out whether it's an interesting point that has been missed in the Afghanistan debate so far, or whether it's pure bollocks:

The Taliban are a bad lot, but they are not our lot. Let's get out of Afghanistan pronto.

(end of letter)

Could you just excuse me for a second? (taps out an unnecessarily long phone number)

"Hello?"

"Neville! Mr Chamberlain, sir! It is I, Ewarwoowar!"

"My dear boy! What can I do you for?"

"Well, you know that nasty dude Adolf, and how he's just invaded Poland, and how you're about to declare on war on him and his country?"

"Yes yes yes, what about it? I'm frightfully busy you know!"

"Yes, well, that's the thing - forget it."

"What on Earth do you mean?!"

"Yeah, well, I've just been having a think, right? And I know they are a bad lot, those Nazis. And I know they'll kill a lot of innocent people, and I know that leaving them, allowing them to get stronger and generally turning a blind eye seems a bit of a shitty idea...but THINK about it, Nev - they're not "our lot" are they?"

"I don't understand!"

"Despite it being completely the wrong thing to do - politically and morally - they aren't in this country. They are not associated with us. Chill out, yeah? Forget about them - go and play golf, or something. Whatever. Let Poland deal with Poland, for Christ's sake."

"My goodness, you are totally right! I'm off to rip up that statement I was preparing to read out on the radio, and I think I'll go and get a good view of Adolf trampling over Western Europe, conveniently forgetting the serious implications it could have on this country! Good day, sire!"

In all seriousness, now. Afghanistan is an interesting debate, with plenty of good arguments for and against the ongoing war, and how it is currently being tackled by the coalition out there. However, saying "nothing to do with us Guv" is not a good argument - it is stupid, ignorant, small-minded and not at all helpful. Shame on the person who wrote that letter, and shame on the Slop for including it on their letters page.

Allan Tucker

Oswestry

I'm adding you onto my list. And is there nothing to do in Oswestry except write stupid letters to newspapers?

Fantasy Football Leaderboard

A few of my loyal readers are participating in a Fantasy Football league that myself and Merciless Public have got running, so here's the first installment of something which will become a regular thing on my blog throughout the season - the leaderboard so far!

Some interesting results in Gameweeks 1 & 2. Arsenal scoring 6 away at Everton, Burnley beating United, Chelsea just scraping past Hull at home. Notable individual performances have included Darren Bent, Cesc Fabregas, Jermain Defoe and Didier Drogba. Let's see how the league is shaping up at this early stage...

1) FATHEADZ BOYS FC (Colby)

2) Tommy Tank FC (Mitchell)

3) Clunge FC (Dylan)

4) Cynical Ben (Ben)

5) Melchester Rovers (Daniel)

=5) Fantasy FC (Rob)

7) Crem de la Prem (Andy)

8) Dynamo Sawyer (Richard)

9) The Lamplight Tandem (Jon)

10) Boddy Dazzler FC (Darryl)

11) Miller-Urey XI (Don)

12) Renford Rejects (Patrick)

13) IsTonyDaleyElectric? (Shaun)

14) Warrior's XI (Arun)

Early days yet...at least that's what I'm telling myself.

The Final Word

It looks like the replies from the celebs to our "Marmite or Bovril" teaser have finally dried up, so instead of updating the previous post with the rest of the responses (I've edited my last post now accordingly), I thought I would collate our findings here and then wrap all of this nonsense up with a nice little bow on top. So, without further ado, here are some celebrities, declaring whether they prefer Bovril or Marmite (or vegemite):

Alexander Armstrong - "oh it's probably bovril but we don't usually have any in the house so I make do with marmite"

Andi Peters - "Marmite for me."

Angellica Bell - "my friend it has to be MARMITE over bovril all the way!"

Caitlin Moran - "absofuckinglutely Marmite, my friend"

Chris Addison - "The answer is Yes! I do!"

Dave Gorman - "Marmite. Obviously."

Dawn Porter - "marmite. Bovril manufacturers should be locked up!"

Francesca Sandford - "marmite till I die!! marmite till I die!!"

Jonathan Ross - "Marmite for sandwiches and toast, bovril to drink."

Katherine Jenkins - "Neither really! If I had to say one it would be Bovril x"

(You can see quite clearly at the end there that Katherine Jenkins sent me a kiss. I think that conclusively proves that this has not been one massive, pathetic waste of time.)

Krishnan Guru-Murphy - "marmite"

Miranda Hart - "Bovril over Marmite every time."

Mitch Benn - "Marmite, cos it gives me an excuse to eat toast, & I love toast. Regard it as more a butter delivery system than anything else"

Peter Serafinowicz - "I don't really like either of them. Plese both send me £20."

Phil Tufnell - "marmite all day long."

Sam Matterface - "marmite everytime! I hate bovril"

Sarah Cawood - "bovril to drink, marmite to spread!!"

Simon Mayo - "obviously, Marmite is sooooo much better. Does that help?"

Suzi Perry - "marmite but love both"

Tim Minchin - "marmite, if i must choose. vegemite is obviously the preferred option."

And finally, our very own Cynical Ben - "Marmite on toast. Bovril in a flask on a windswept mountain. Both sit happily in the pantheon of world's greatest foods."

So, there we have it. Even though I would choose Bovril, I have to accept that Marmite has stormed away with the victory. Congratulations Marmite. So, what has all this proved? Well, not a lot, except I've saved all the replies and it will raise a smile sometime in the future, and it just confirmed to me how much I love Twitter, where someone famous will gladly answer the most banal of questions.

They won't read this, but I wish to thank the 20 celebrities who took a moment to reply. All just a bit of fun, but I now look upon them favourably compared to others who couldn't be bothered. Yeah I'm looking at you, William Shatner. You and your cereal! Also much kudos to Kristen Bell, who got this madness underway. That's the end of the matter now, I promise!

I'm Back!

I wanted to come back from my blogging holiday with a bit of a bang, and here's what I can offer up...see what you think.

So, last night, much like every night, I was talking shit on MSN with my great buddy, Merciless Public. I had just told him about someone sending a 'tweet' on Twitter to a celeb, when a plan beginned to form in our minds. Before I go any further, you need to understand that A) We are both incredibly sad B) We both love Twitter and C) I think Merciless had had a bit to drink.

We were forming a plan, but we needed to see if it worked or not. Consider this the test run, if you will. My eyes flicked down the list of celebrities I 'follow' and my eyes rested on Kristen Bell.

Kristen Bell (once described by another friend as being "as cute as a button") is an American actress - you'll probably know her for playing Veronica Mars, although she's also been in Heroes, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Gossip Girl and The Shield.

I had found my celebrity. I had thought up a test question. Now all I had to do was ask her:

@IMKristenBell Hey Kristen! Having a bet with a friend - can you help? What would Veronica Mars love more - a squid or an octopus? Thanks!

I sent it, and sighed. A) She wouldn't reply and B) Even if she did, it could be in a few days. Ten minutes later, I got a reply.

IMKristenBell an octopus...because that is the mascot of the detroit redwings. yeah. believe it or not, it isn't a red wing.

I've no idea what she's going on about there, but the speed of her response and her cordiality confirmed to us that our plan could work. Thankyou Kristen -not only are you as cute as a button, but apparently you are a really nice person as well, or so I've heard on the grapevine. Anyway, Merciless and I then hatched our plan. We would 'tweet' lots of celebrities, asking them a question, just one small question:

Bovril or Marmite?

We started this nonsense about midnight Monday evening/Tuesday morning. At the time of writing this, it's now 4:30pm, Wednesday. To see ALL the responses we've had (and there's a few) please scroll on up the page, and indulge in the banal-ness. Thankyou please!

Okay, who are you?

I'm still on my blogging holiday, but something has caught my eye on the stat-porn, and I can't ignore it.

Someone from Sale, Cheshire is visiting quite a bit. I wouldn't normally do this, but I have a sneaking suspicion who it is, but I'm not too sure. So, who are you?! And do I know you, as I suspect?

If you don't want to reveal yourself on here, you can send me an e-mail, just click on my profile. I'm just curious to know if you are who I think you are...

UPDATE - And also my frequent visitor from Liege, Belgium! I have no idea who you are, but you visit me so often it's beginning to intrigue me. Again, leave a comment or email! Right, enough stat-porn, time for breakfast...