Wednesday, 15 September 2010

Addled and Inverted

The older I get, the grumpier I get. Okay, I'm not quite ready to write a letter into The Sloppy Star launching a tirade on the EU / Tony Blair just yet, but things do begin to irk me a lot more than they used to.

One of these little things that annoy me are television adverts. Don't get me wrong, I understand the point of them - to bombard you with their message, over and over and over, until their ditty/slogan is ingrained into your mind and you find yourself brainwashed into visiting their website / using their stores. But that doesn't mean I have to like them. Some adverts are good, admittedly, but I can't help thinking its more amusing to blog about the really bad ones - the ones that really get under my skin. So that's what I'm going to do. Unleash the hatred!

This abortion has to be the most disturbing advert ever seen on television. The grotesquely poor dubbing is bad enough, but its the relationship between the man and the young lady that freaks me out a bit. We can see from the dialogue she's his daughter, yet there does seem to be a very odd and scary sexual frisson between them emphasised throughout. Where is the mother? Why does the daughter own some "Just For Men"? Why does he call her 'darling'? WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!

I like to think he didn't actually get the job, and needs more ties to hang himself and end his pathetic and worthless life.

Hahaha, isn't this funny! We've made a really funny advert to tell you that for you fucking peasants out there, you can't watch this channel anymore! Hahaha. Here's hoping that these two muppets don't go into acting, either. "The whole squad?!" line is a beauty in terms of showing drama students how not to act shocked.

Thankfully, that advert has now disappeared off my television screen, as Sky Sports News HD (why?!) has now launched.

This advert makes me genuinely angry. Drinking an appropriate amount of water every day benefits you health wise, and makes you feel better than you would if you drank the same amount of a different drink - say Coca-Cola, any soft drink with Aspartame in, or any alcoholic drink. Seriously, no shit. I for one am fucking stunned at this revelation.

I'm angry, but I can't work out who my anger is aimed at here - is it the makers of this advert, for patronising us so incredibly, or are there people who genuinely watch that advert and think "shit, yeah, that might be an idea actually". Either way, it's bonkers. It also annoys me how they seem to claim it is only Volvic that provides this miraculous juice. Actually, maybe that's fair enough. It doesn't grow on trees, and it sure as hell doesn't come out of taps...

This next one, I admit, I had never seen. It comes from G...

Josh, ah think Dad's found yah scoo-tah pet! Hateful. Also, I like the fact the woman is so casual at asking to borrow £25k from these dodgy types, a fee she will greatly struggle to pay back the interest on for the rest of her life. Eurgh. Let's move swiftly on...

Firstly, you're not an actor, mate - you were in Eastenders. Secondly, I'm glad it's "100% lawyers" - there was me wanting someone who was 50% lawyer, 50% prostitute, y'know? I like the fact that you seem to think its a selling point that my legal case would be handled by a legal fucking professional. Call me old fashioned, but I kind of expect this. Thirdly, stop bloody shouting at me. Next!

"Now, you didn't expect Everest to be doing that today, did you?"

To be honest, Craig, I've never given it much thought. However if someone asked me what the company Everest were doing today, I would probably do a bit of research and confidently predict that they would indeed be doing insulation and energy saving of some sort at some gentleman's house or place of business. Now fuck off.

Not much to say about that one really is there? The "OK YAR!" bit is particularly galling however. This next one (don't worry, it's the penultimate one) has been suggested by Dan:

Watch your back Laurence Olivier! You're not the only good actor to come out of Britain you know - just look at that cunt!

And now, ladies and gentlemen, we get to the final advert. And my goodness, this is...well...I'm not sure what to say about it, to be honest. Let me just say that every time I watch it - EVERY time - I laugh. I've even linked to it on my Twitter page. Three times.

I can just imagine the board meeting now. After being rejected by Stephen Fry, Leonardo di Caprio, Kate Winslet, Will Smith...the good people at VanCompare needed someone a little less famous. Someone who hadn't been in the glare of the public eye for a wee while. Preferably someone who was still well known, and didn't dress like an absolute fucking gimp.

Instead they got Andy Scott from the 70s band The Sweet. If you haven't seen this advert before - you are in for a wonderful, wonderful treat. If you have - why don't you watch it again with me, and saviour the genius?

As Dan just said to me on MSN: "What exactly were they thinking? It's the fact no-one knows who the fuck he is and he looks like a silly dickwad."

Wise words from one so young. And on that note, I'll leave all these ghastly things behind, for now.

Until next time kids!


  1. As an unemployed-type, I end up catching far more adverts that I care to, and I'd agree with every one of those. The Injury Lawyers one makes me laugh, just for that bit where they feel the need to stress that they are actually 100% lawyers!

    However, I think I must add a few more abominations this list. Envirofone ( for example - not so much for the 'product', but for the cockmunchers in the advert. I'll admit, its the fat bastard going 'WONGA' that makes me want to throw something at the screen. But on top of this I just can't imagine that the bloke with the punk get-up would have such a camp voice (but maybe thats just me..). Also, any of the recent Burger King adverts. I'm no fan of BK, but even if I was I'd run in the opposite direction at the sight of a creepy looking plastic-faced Royal that looks like a poor Doctor Who alien.

    Since last week, one in particular has fucked me right off every time it comes on: Bingo Queen or something (, featuring Barbara Windsor and a God-awful cackle which makes me skin crawl. However, I do feel a slight satisfaction when I think that, as an actor/actress, you know you've hit rock bottom when you're appearing in dodgy ads for online bingo.

  2. Great comment Rich!

    I was going to do the Envirophone advert, but couldn't find it on youtube - just lots of Wonga! remixes, which says it all really.

  3. That was very entertaining .I enjoyed the dodgy adverts – clearly low budget jobs with Z- list actors.
    I think that companies that are on the brink of going bust resort to this type of thing in desperation.
    ‘100% lawyers’ sounds seriously suspect. Tap water is just as good as Volvic, and anybody resorting to a ‘picture’ loan must be as dippy as the woman in the advert because the repayments are huge - Unless her casual manner is a deliberate ploy to distract the viewer from the hefty repayment information. As for ‘Just for Men’ the mind boggles.