Sunday, 23 August 2009

Sorry Mr Anonymous

But how can I ignore the letters into The Slop when they are as fabulous as this one? Step forward, Val Duncan from Wellington!

I have heard youngsters say: "I have been in Europe ever since I was born. I'm European, really.

Correct. I knew we weren't in the Eurovision and European football tournaments for no reason. Although I think all this "I'm European" is a bit silly. Yes, I am, because my country is officially in Europe. But does it really matter what you say?
  • I'm English
  • I'm British
  • I'm European
  • I'm a person living on this planet
  • I'm a cuckoo
PS. I'm prepared to bet you have never, ever heard a "youngster" say that.

No, not yet you're not

No, sorry, I'm pretty certain I am. Like I said, it doesn't really matter, but I definitely am.

but on January 1 the full force of the EU will rule us.

Frightfully sorry to be a pedant, but you've now started talking about something completely different. If the EU was disbanded tomorrow, we would still be in Europe. I would still be European? You see? So, how about you stop your letter, right now?

More than 30 years of planning will come into effect because already 90% of power has been passed to the EU.

OR, you can carry on writing this nonsense. You're going to do that? Cool.

By this time next year there will probably not be a Westminster Parliament or any need for one.

Absolute bollocks. If you're reading this Val, send me an e-mail, and we can have a bet on this. I'll happily bet you £20 and a bottle of Lucozade. I'll accept cash or cheque.

The EU has long had plans to wipe out our countries and split us into EU regions that are attached to other EU countries so there will be no national borders. You will not live in Shropshire anymore, but an EU area number. You will have an EU police force and the armed services will be at the disposal of Europe.

I'm not sure I can make it to the end of this letter. If I can't make it, I want most of my possessions to go to my younger brother. Only exceptions will be my Dido CDs, which I want Merciless Public to have, and my Jeremy Clarkson books, which must be sent to Voley.

You will not vote for your government because you will no longer have one.

Actually, make it £20, a bottle of Lucozade, and a picture of the US President naked, riding a unicorn, next to Josef Stalin and Hugh Laurie.

It may not happen in weeks or months but it will happen.

WOAH WOAH WOAH! What's this?! Are you now back-tracking on our bet Val? You seemed very confident earlier that it would take only a year for this to all happen.

I get it, you've balked at the picture bit havent you? Okay, scrap that. The bet is £20, a bottle of Lucozade, and a motion gif of a monkey wearing a party hat.

All political parties know it and even the Queen knows it because it is part of the plan that has been hatching all along and it's written into the six treaties the Queen and all governments have already signed.

I spent ages doing all this as part of my Politics A-Level (ooh, get me!) and I find stuff like Maastricht Treaty and The Single European Act ridiculously dull, rather than just seeing it as one big conspiracy against the UK.

Do you know what annoys me the most about all this? It's the fact that these people complain about our Government constantly - Iraq, Afghanistan, swine flu, NHS, police, education and everything else, then the next day they're screaming blue in the face "HOW DARE THESE EUROPEANS TAKE AWAY OUR GOVERNMENT OUR EXCELLENT MPs ARENT BEING ALLOWED TO GOVERN WE'RE UNDER EUROPEAN LAW OH MY GOD IT FRICKING SUCKS AND IT'S THE DEATH OF MY BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY WILL THE LAST PERSON LEFT PLEASE TURN OUT THE LIGHTS" and then the next day, they're back calling our MPs a disgrace over duck-houses or sex scandals or God knows what, they want them all to be kicked out and apathy at general elections still runs wild. Which do you want, people?

By the way, I want those books sent to Voley to be sent first class express delivery, and I want a signature to confirm he's received them, and a contract to insist that he must keep them.

You think it's a fantasy? Then think again and Google then draw your own conclusions.

That will be, in case anyone else wants to visit it. And, in actual fact, I IMPLORE you to actually go and visit it. Go there, have a damn good read, then draw your own conclusions.

Particularly this page which is outstanding.

(end of letter)

Val, you'll need an address to send me my money and Lucozade:

Timothy Lovejoy
16, Rooney Towers

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for the books - I'll read them with extreme pleasure.

    Your local newspaper is clearly a home for the mentally ill: readers and editors alike.

    I once had a letter published in a national newspaper. Soon after, a weird church group sent me their handwritten 85 page statement about the coming Masonic/Jewish/Communist takeover of the world. The Queen was in on that too. Very busy lady, the Queen.

    Keep it coming.