Friday, 5 February 2010

Follow Friday

I'm delighted to announce my friend (from The Hegemon) N.J. Howard, or as I like to call him, "Neil", is on Blogger!

Go and read him at:

If his blog is anything like the man himself, it will be stylish, intelligent and absolutely bloody right most of the time. And I flipping wish I could write like this myself:

Everybody Hurts is a beautiful song, though sang here with the solemn intonation of a local newsreader segwaying from a story about baby sea lions into a piece about a factory closing down.

So, yeah, go and read. Now!

PS. Like Neil, I know this isn't the point, but the charity version of 'Everybody Hurts' is absolutely abysmal.

Wednesday, 3 February 2010


You buy one, you get one free! I SAID, you buy one, you get one free!!

Remember that advert? I bloody hated it. Anyway, Monday's Sloppy Star saw two rather splendid letters - one from an old friend, and the other from a new, inexperienced rookie. Let's tackle the first one first (funnily enough) and welcome the latest effort from dear Val Duncan:

Re. my story about our royalty and I use the word "royalty" loosely because we have no Queen.

We don't? Who's that old woman who lectures me at about 3pm every Christmas Day then? I demand to know who this woman actually is.

On the signing of the Lisbon Treaty, we have become a state (county) of Europe and as a state we are a small part of a larger entity ie. Europe. Counties cannot have a monarch; can we have a queen of Yorkshire, a queen of Hereford, perhaps?

I lived on the South Coast for 12 years. There's plenty of fucking queens in Brighton, let me tell you.

Let us look at our German royalty, family name Saxe-Coburg changed to Windsor because it sounded more British. But if you know modern history you will know the strong relationship with Germany. Edward the Eighth was a friend of Adolph (sic) Hitler and was willing to surrender Britain to Nazi Germany as long as he could keep his royal status.

YES! "Ego" by The Saturdays is on Spotify. I love this shit.

Elizabeth Saxe-Coburg


walked the streets of London and saw the devastation and pain the British people endured to fight for freedom and independence, then proceeded to sign six treaties to sell out our independence, laws and liberties to a Franco-German EU.

Don't tell me that its time for going need to knock some sense into your ego!

(does some weird dance moves)

Sorry, I realise this isn't like my usual cutting, scathing ripostes, but if she's going to list a big fat load of irrelevance than so am I.

Blair, Brown and co.

Please, Val! I think you'll find it's spelt "Bliar", as he lied about everything.

betrayed us big time and pulled this country to its knees, but at least Brown only signed one treaty. The Queen signed six.

Interesting, considering you've already said that we're not a country anymore, and that we have no Queen.

Maybe since she likes Europe so much she should go and live there with her Greek husband. I'm sure they have a palace or two they could provide her with.

Senseless, twisted, bitter, racist, deluded ramblings. Talking of which, let's have a look at the second letter of our double bill. Good evening, John R Brown of Shrewsbury!

We've sold Cadbury's to America. There's little left. Why not solve some of our money problems? Sell the Royals. A photo of Mickey Mouse with the Queen and guest. You'll make a fortune.

Will the last one to leave the UK please turn out the light.

End of letter.

I don't really know what to say about this, to be honest. I'm just going to presume it's a shot at humour, and not someone thinking that Cadbury's now belonging to Kraft spells the end of the UK, and that we should all emigrate instantly.

However, thinking about it, maybe he has a point, and so I've just booked my flight to Boston.

So long, suckers!

Monday, 1 February 2010

Buster Bloodvessel

Out and about on my travels lately I've seen a lot of bad manners, stupidity, lack of common sense and stuff which in 2010 really shouldn't be happening. So I've decided to have a rant about all this stuff on here. I appreciate all you loyal readers are learned people who wouldn't do stuff like this, but this is the best place for me to rant about it. So here goes...

1) Train etiquette. I was sitting on the train the other day when it pulled into Telford Central. An elderly man with a walking stick ambled slowly to the door and waited for it to open. When it did, was he allowed out first? No, of course bloody not - 3 "youths" rushed up onto the train, pushing (quite literally) past him. There were plenty of seats, so it's not as if they had the excuse that it was rush hour and they were desperate to grab a seat.

People, seriously. The procedure at train stations is very simple - when the doors open, let others get OFF the train, then clamber ON. And show your elders a bit of bloody respect.

2) Which reminds me - this hasn't happened in my experience lately, but is worth noting - if an elderly person gets on public transport, and there's no seats available, at the very least offer your seat to them. Just basic manners, innit?

3) I got off the train at Wolverhampton the other day and there was a chap in front of me. He was a "youth" and considering he had a haircut and tattoos he was clearly an idiot. Walking in front of me for about 500 yards, he then proceeded to spit on the floor about 15 times, no joke. Seriously, why? It's just pretty damn disgusting, and as far as I can see doesn't actually achieve anything. Please, children.

4) "Hello?"..."Alright Dave!"..."Yeah fine, you?"..."On a train!"..."Train, yeah, going to Birmingham"..."Yeah, yeah, been okay, y'know, the usual"...

People. When we're on a train, we don't want to hear your conversation. If it's vitally important, we can tolerate that. But if it isn't, either keep your voice down as much as possible, keep it brief, or arrange to phone the person back.

5) Which reminds me. If you EVER play your shit music on your mobile phone, without earphones, on any public transport, I will not be responsible for my actions.

6) I went into Morrison's the other day and was pretty much immediately confronted by a vacant soul. You know the ones - they amble very slowly along the aisles, their trolleys blocking everyone else, just slowly wandering around with a dazed look on their face, not really knowing what they're getting, why they're there, who they are.....

People. In a supermarket, have a list so you know exactly what you want. Go into the store, get the things you want, move straight to the check-out. It is a chore, not a bloody day out. Now, once you get to the check-out...

7) ...understand that you have to pay, right? Standing in WH Smiths the other day, the woman in front of me unloaded her items onto the desk. She then stood around looking vacant while the lady serving her scanned them in, then seemed to be shocked/offended when she was asked to pay for her goods. Seriously - whilst your items are being scanned, get your method of payment organised and ready, it saves so much bloody time for everyone.

8) This one is two-fold. Firstly, hold open doors for people. Especially if you're a male and it's a woman approaching. However, if someone holds a door open FOR YOU, it doesn't take a lot to say "thankyou".

9) FAO Mormons - I'm not interested. I wasn't the first time you collared me on the street, nor was I interested the 6th time you approached me. If I want to become a Mormon, I'll make that decision for myself, and take myself along to your church, or approach you myself. And why do you always bloody collar me when I'm rushing for a train?

10) Stairs. Now, look, again, this isn't difficult. If you have a public stairwell, what you need is two different lanes of traffic. One lane of people moving upwards, on one side of the stairwell, the other lane of people moving downwards, on the other side. If you do this - it doesnt matter how many people there are - there will always be a continuous flow of traffic.

If you don't do this however, as is the case at Wolverhampton fricking train station, you have chaos. You have people going up here, down there, not knowing where they are. All whilst having their luggage trailing behind them, wiping out everyone in the process. People, please.

If you need 2 handy diagrams to show you a) the right way and b) the wrong way - you're in luck. I went on Paint and knocked some pics out for you. PLEASE SEE AT THE BOTTOM OF THIS BLOG ENTRY.

And finally...

11) Just be nice and polite to people. It always baffles me how in December, the run up to Xmas, everyone seems cheery, in good spirits and there's a vague sense of community spirit. Come the New Year, everyone goes back to being a grouch.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not asking for everyone to be Mr/Mrs Jolly from Jollysville, but as my dear old mother used to say to me - "Treat others the way you would like to be treated".

That's it for now folks - take care of yourselves...and each other.



(You better bloody appreciate them, they took me 2 minutes to do)