This is just too good to forget about, Part 5

"So, are we done?"

"I think so, yeah....Oasis, Pulp, Foo Fighters and Shed Seven are the biggies...other acts...Beck, Super Furries, Queens of the Stone Age, Placebo...looks a pretty good line-up, I reckon!

"Great! Let's go and have a pint"

"Err, guys? Sorry, we still need one more."

"What? We not done?"

"No, erm, we still need one more act - nothing major, just something to fill about 10 minutes?"

"Erm, Christ, right, errm....you phoned Damon?"

"Blur aren't performing festivals at the moment."

"How about Morrissey? Bit of a blast from the past, he can do The Smiths classics..."

"Too expensive, and he'll want to headline. No, we just need a time-filler, someone who can step into the breach for literally 10-15 minutes."

(pause)

"Guys - I think I have it!"

"Really?"

"Oh yes, oh hell yeah. Had a couple of hits...they're down with the kids...can interact with the crowd...bit of publicity lately...let me just make a few calls, and we should have them. Seriously, you guys can thank me later!"

Live-Blogging the Countdown Grand Final

15:23 I was looking for something to blog about, and whilst contemplating what I could ramble on about, a nice man on Channel 4 has just announced it's the Countdown Grand Final! SO HERE WE GO! Live-Blogging at short notice, this should be fun.

15:24 C'mon Queenie, make Jeff Stelling a Sir.

15:25 Rachel Riley looking fabulous. Not as nice as Susie Dent, the ultimate MILF, but there we go. And you thought I watched this programme for educational reasons?

15:26 It's Kirk Bevans vs Jimmy Gough!

15:27 Dr Phil Hammond! What a genius.

15:29 PEDANTS for 7. I win.

15:30 Dr Phil does a joke, and NO-ONE laughs. Marvellous.

15:31 Is POLLER a word? If so, for 6. I win.

15:32 Rachel is wearing a massive yellow belt buckle. Looks a bit garish contrasted to her white dress.

15:33 Susie is embarrassed she didn't get "Nounal". I didn't even think the word existed.

15:34 Bored of letters now, let's have some numbers, c'mon.

15:35 EMAILERS is not a proper word, for fucks sake.

15:35 75 x 3 = 225. Add on the 6, the 4, and the 5. 240! I WIN!

15:36 Dr Phil Hammond has a dummy, business is about to pick up.

15:37 Dr Phil just made a joke about Susie grabbing a man "down below". I'm not going to lie, I'm now aroused.

15:40 1st break "teaser" is SOAPSUDS. I win. Going to pop downstairs and get some food, the tension is killing me.

15:44 Back to it. It's Bevans 45-32 Gough, in case you care. Which you probably don't.

15:47 I've got to be honest, this isn't the best thing to Live-blog, particularly if no-one else is watching it. I'm sure some pensioners are watching somewhere, sucking on some Werthers Originals.

15:48 Christ, these guys are good. Probably why they're in the final. I love the way they sigh and say "Only 6" when I've struggled to a 5.

15:50 WAPITI? What the shit is that? Geez.

15:51 I love Susie Dent so much. She would be the best person to open up a dictionary and look up rude words with. That first bit is not a deliberate euphemism.

15:53 My god, Bevans is a fucking machine. 74-45, all over. He is amazing.

15:54 Second break "teaser" is TATTOOED. God, I amaze myself.

15:59 My brother has just come home from school, and as a treat my mother has bought some cream cakes. Please excuse the pause in live-blogging that will now take place. SCHOLAR for 7! I win!

16:04 That was brilliant, neither of the two got the numbers round, and then Jeff got it! The man is an all-round genius.

16:05 Conundrum...and no-one got it. GRANIVORE. I'm as bemused as you are.

16:06 Well done to Kirk "The Kirkulator" Bevans!

16:08 It's all over, the next series starts on............Monday. Right.

16:09 Well, that was fun. Back to Royal Ascot, and pondering what sensible thing I can blog about.

This sums it up nicely

I can't take credit for this, I'm afraid - read it on a football forum. But I like it so much, I'm stealing it. The final word on Ronnie - it's pretty damn accurate, providing you get the mental images out of your head :

"I know you're going to say it's just because I didn't like him but I just can't feel that bad about it.

For me, Ronaldo was the super fit, rich girl from the posh houses. She was only shagging me to annoy her dad. I knew eventually some flash fucker would turn up on a polo pony and whisk her away. But I didn't care because the other blokes were all jealous and I was shagging a super fit, rich girl.

I prefer the Rooney girl. She might be the girl next door but when she shags me she means it, and I can rely on her to always be there. If she ever moves out then I'll feel the way you do."

WTF?!

I was just about to compliment The Daily Nazi for a half-decent article/interview about some woman who plays tennis, but then my eye was caught by the picture at the top of the page.

Seriously, fuck the heck? What the shit is that? I'm not an expert on women's clothing (despite the rumours) but that is, without doubt, the worst dress I have ever had the misfortune to have seen. The fact that the person wearing it is Ana.....eurgh. My god. What an absolute abortion that dress is. I'm off to rinse my eyes out with bleach, before watching the NBA. Let's go Lakers!

A boring long holiday post #2

New York City was hot. And I mean, hot. It's also incredible - if you've never been there, no words can prepare you for it. We emerged out of the bus station downtown, and straight away we were facing the New York Times building. Which is big.

See? But then I looked around, and the amusing thing is that every building seems to be like that. I felt like a dwarf, and if I stood at the base of a building and looked upto the top, it made me dizzy. We hadn't had any breakfast, so my friend marched me to a downtown Chipotle and we sat down with some burritos. http://www.chipotle.com/#/land Absolutely gorgeous, but my god, the Tabasco sauce was a mistake. I was hot enough as it is.

I'm not going to bore you with details of everywhere we went. Just keep in mind that the Apple Store is crammed, you won't be allowed to go into Tiffany's, Trump Tower is (in my opinion, not shared by my friend) fantastic and Broadway is rundown, tatty and horrible. You wouldn't believe just how ghastly Broadway is - not a place I wanted to hang around for any length of time.

Apparently Eva Longoria was in Central Park the same day we were, although I regret to inform you that I didn't see her. However, I did get awfully excited when we stumbled upon a bit of the park I recognised from the classic film Annie Hall : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iNzWXgWJQaw&feature=related (between 7:53 - 8:19)

The thing that amused me the most about NYC was their "Irish bars". To qualify as an Irish bar in NYC, you hang a Guinness sign outside and have a few shamrocks littered about. And that's it. Yes, I know all about the Irish immigration into NYC all those years ago, but in the Irish bars we went to, nobody in the damn places (bar staff, owners, customers) looked like they could tell you whether Ireland was closer to Wales or Ukraine. Still, they were friendly enough, and were good places to watch bits of Euro 2008 (yes, I went to the US, and still ended up watching football).

Sorry, this is turning into another epic, and I've barely scratched the surface, despite the fact we were only in NYC for 2 days. So I'll finish by giving my thoughts about the Big Apple, and then some of my photos. I certainly couldn't live in NYC - when people describe it as the city that never sleeps, they ain't joking. Baz Luhrmann once said:

"Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard;"

This is true. With the brash, frenzied nature of the place, you have to be a tough cookie and pretty street wise to live there. It's not a city brimmed with compassion, and it's pretty damn uncompromising. It's also loud, with the blaring trucks rumbling past. And feverish, what with the seemingly never-ending yellow cabs, and the thousands of people buzzing about.

NYC is not my kind of city, if I'm honest, but I will go back there one day when it's not quite so damn hot. I imagine Central Park is fricking awesome on a cool, autumn day. Anyone else been to NYC, and if so, your thoughts?

The pink smear at the bottom of that last photo is my finger. Oh fuck off, I never said I was David Bailey. Coming up next time on boring long holiday post #3 - NEW YORK STATE!