Saturday, 19 September 2009

Fantasy Football Leaderboard

Before the next round of games begin, and the leaderboard changes once again, let's have a quick peek at the table as it stands currently:

1) FATHEADZ BOYS FC (colby) 252 UP 2
2) Melchester Rovers (Daniel) 250 DOWN 1
3) Clunge FC (Dylan) 239 DOWN 1
4) Crem de la Prem (andy) 235 UP 2
5) Fantasy FC (Rob) 230 UP 2
6) Tommy Tank FC (Mitchell) 227 UP 2
7) Cynical Ben (Ben) 220 DOWN 2
8) Boddy Dazzler FC (Darryl) 214 DOWN 4
=8) IsJohnCarewElectric? (Shaun) 214 UP 4
10) The Lamplight Tandem (Jon) 210 SAME
11) Renford Rejects (Patrick) 204 DOWN 2
12) Warrior's XI (arun) 197 DOWN 1
13) Dynamo Sawyer (Richard) 187 UP 1
14) Miller-Urey XI (Don) 181 DOWN 2

Friday, 18 September 2009


This probably isn't a good idea, considering a) no-one wants to read a rant, and b) a university lecturer is reading this, but fuck it. I'm annoyed at the moment because I'm trying to register my modules for the upcoming university year.

But let's not worry about "registering" just yet. Oh no, we have to actually choose them first.

"What's the problem Ewar? Just choose the modules you want to do, easy!" I hear you cry. But no, that would be too fucking simple wouldn't it? I'm doing a joint degree of Creative Writing and English. Instead of just picking what I want to do, I have to pick modules from Lists A, B and C for each. No-one has ever explained why this is. Than you have to pick "electives" which seems to be "a few other weird things, and a choice of anything else you haven't already picked".

This splendid List system means that in some cases I've had to pick modules I don't paticularly want to do. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure 'Vietnam in the US' is all rather splendid and interesting, but it has zero fucking relevance to either one of my courses. 'Popular Texts' I'm sure is marvellous, but 6-9pm is a bugger for me being able to get home. Never mind Ewar, you HAVE to do it, because it's the only option on List C that is available, as the others clash don't they? Good this, isn't it?

So, I've tentatively chosen a few modules, bearing in mind there's an equal balance between Semester 1 and Semester 2, and that they don't clash. Shall we check them out fully, see what they're all about? Yes, lets! So onto the university website we go. Oh, hang on? Were you expecting a module guide, to tell you what the module is all about? No, you see, we don't have those, anywhere. No, don't panic Ewar, the module guides are on WOLF...except that WOLF is seemingly stuck in last year and for a few modules the module guides are simply not there. Hmph. How about the course guides then?

Let's load up the English course guide...oh, and it's all for 1st year students. There is one page for 2nd year modules, which is the list once again telling us what options we can pick. Any information about these modules? Nah! Why would we, eh?

And now onto Pebblepad...actually, no, let's not even go there.

And now the timetable tells me that one of the modules I want to do does not start in Week 4 like everything else, but Week 6. Is that right? Or is that wrong? Let's e-mail the module leader and find out! I load up my university e-mail, and there's an e-mail from someone with a surname of Egginton (surely not a real surname) about module guides. Rather than selecting "multiple recipients" this pillock has listed every single name she's sent the e-mail to, so to get to the actual e-mail I have to scroll down about three thousand fucking million names. I finally get to the bottom, and there is no text, just an attachment:


"winmail.dat"? That sounds a bit dubious. Voley, do you know this Egginton character? Is that attachment safe to open? If it is, marvellous, I'm presuming that holds all the module guides.

I've calmed down. Let's register my modules, despite not knowing a great deal about them, or when one of them actually starts! But hang do I actually do that? I enlist the help of Merciless Public, who directs me to where I need to go - deep in the heart of e:vision, and certainly not easily accessible if you didn't know where it was.

I'm going to stop there, because this is actually making me tired. But it was fun to get all of that bile off my chest. And do you know the worst thing of all? The really fucking worst thing? I have to re-take a Level 1 module, because I disliked the lecturer of one module I failed, so I gave up on it. I won't be re-doing that module again, so it looks like the only module available to me

I'm off to shove a load of "happy pills" down my throat.

Thursday, 17 September 2009

A Thursday Joke

It's the 1960s, and the "Swinging Sixties" concept is well underway. Michael Caine is hosting a showbiz house party - and everyone who's anyone is there. There's the highest quality food. Top quality music. The best champagne that money can buy.

Lennon and McCartney are at the bar. Jim Morrison and his band are sitting on the floor in the corner singing "Light My Fire" and on the couch George Peppard is getting very close with Sophia Loren.

Everything is going well, until Jim Morrison decides that he's bored and is off home. "Oi, Jim!" interjects Caine, "the party is just getting started! I tell you what, there's a young filly here who's brilliant at oral sex. How about I get her to entertain you in the spare bedroom?"

"Okay then" nods Jim, "providing she also gives the rest of my band the same satisfaction".

"Not a problem Jim!" says Caine, and goes off to whisper some instructions in the girl's ear.

Half an hour later, the girl is finishing off the last band member when Ringo Starr barges into the bedroom. "Alright luv?" he says, "don't suppose you'll do me next will you?"

The young lass thinks for a second, then says "Okay, what the hell!" and proceeds to unzip Ringo's fly and get down to work. Ringo's having a fantastic time until, mere moments before the end, the door opens and Michael Caine bursts in. He grabs the woman by her hair and then slaps her hard across the face.

"What was that for?!" she whimpers.

"I told you!" Caine snarls.

(wait for it)

"You were only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off!"

(I'm here all week)

Wednesday, 16 September 2009

Are you ready to be...

...if you've just said the word "heartbroken" out loud after reading that title, congratulations! You win...nothing. Because in this instance, you're wrong. Are you ready to be bored, people? Of course you are, you're reading my blog. We all know this is what you do to pass some time once you've looked at the news, e-mail, all other blogs, pornography, the news from Norwegian elections. I know you, people. I know you.

Anyway, I want you to cast your mind back to a blog entry of mine a few weeks back, the link is handily here. If you can't be bothered to click on the link, a quick summary:

A man called Allan Tucker from Oswestry wrote a letter into The Sloppy Star saying, quite simply, that the Taliban are not "our lot" and that we should just leave them and exit from Afghanistan "pronto". I didn't agree, and I proceeded to make a few lame jokes and gently ridicule him. But I will give him credit though - his letter got across his point of view perfectly. He wants the troops to come home from Afghanistan, and his short, snappy letter left no doubt as to his feelings on this matter.

Congratulations Allan. What this means however is that the last thing you need to do is write another letter into the paper about Afghanistan. Seriously, why bother? There's no point. So you're not going to do that, are you? Are you? Oh, you are? Okay, cool.

What a fiasco the Afghan war is. We have been sucked into an imbroglio. Our part must end.

(end of letter)

You know that phone I have where I can phone anyone in history? I haven't used it for a while - I had to get it repaired after it melted whilst I was having phone sex with Fanny Hill. Anyway, I feel like phoning a Hollywood actor. Let's try.....Bill Murray!

(taps out unnecessarily long phone number)


"Mr Bill Murray sir! It is I, Ewar!"


"Are you okay, you sound a bit down?"

"No, I'm not okay. You see, I'm stuck in this weird world where every day seems to be exactly the same as the last. It's just the same old shit and I'm finding it difficult to cope!"

"Goodness Bill! I couldn't imagine anything like tha...(looks at paper) Actually...I hear you brother. Hang in there."

Tuesday, 15 September 2009

In Memoriam

Goodness, it seems the Grim Reaper has been very busy doing his (grim) rounds. Not only dear old Patrick (great name, btw) Swayze but also that egotistic, brash buffoon Keith Floyd. They say it comes in threes, so who's next? I've got a few quid on it being Norman Wisdom, to be honest.

Anyway, at least this sad news has come at a good time. Because, as luck would have it, E.J.Thribb stopped over last night to watch the tennis with me, so I've asked him to come up with his thoughts on these two losses. Over to you, the Thribbster!

So. Farewell then Patrick Swayze

He who was in Dirty Dancing
You never did visit West Sussex
And so never knew the joys of Lancing

So. Farewell then Keith Floyd

He who loved red wine
You also enjoyed all foodstuffs
From sausages to brine

E.J. Thribb 15 2/3

Follow (not) Friday

May I suggest you all visit/read/follow Cantus over at

We've been twitter pals for a while, and what caught my attention is that this guy can draw. I've always been incredibly jealous of people who can draw - it's just a talent that I simply do not possess yet the ones who can do it make it look so bloody simple.

Anyway, he's just set up a blog which looks ace, and he's offered his take on that chef dickhead. Go and take a look, yeah?

Monday, 14 September 2009


Oh dear, oh dear. "Celebrity" chef James Martin has just confirmed to the world what a massive bell-end he is. Writing for The Daily Nazi, here is his latest offering:

"But I don't care about any of that, and here's why. Twenty minutes into my test drive I pulled round a leafy bend, enjoying the birdsong - and spotted those damned Spider-Man cyclists. Knowing they wouldn't hear me coming, I stepped on the gas, waited until the split second before I overtook them, then gave them an almighty blast on the horn at the exact same time I passed them at speed.

The look of sheer terror as they tottered into the hedge was the best thing I've ever seen in my rear-view mirror. I think this could be the car for me."

Jesus H Christ, what a fucking moron he is. Many thanks to Robbie McEwen and Brad Wiggins for bringing this to my attention.

This is just too good to forget about, Part 7

Not that I would have forgotten about it already, as it only happened last night. And not that I ever will forget it, ever:

I'm not ashamed to say that watching it live, I went to shout something and all that came out was some unintelligible noise. This dude might very well be the second coming of Jesus.