Tuesday, 26 April 2011

It's Time! It's Time! IT'S! LETTERS! TIME!

I'll give you 100 points if you can tell me what my title is referencing there.

Hallo again all. I've been quiet recently, as you might have noticed. The truth is, a blasted thing called a thessertation is taking up all of my time at the moment. Initially I thought it would be fun to write, as you can choose the topic and warp it into something vaguely interesting. But now that I'm halfway through, I hate it. Please Lord, let me finish it soon. I never want to read a baseball book again, to be perfectly honest.

Nevertheless, I'm not here to moan, but instead to entertain. So, without further ado, let's have a look at some more letters into my local paper, The Sloppy Star. Trust me, some of these are beautiful.

What is happiness?

That's a good question, isn't it? What IS happiness? I don't want to get philosophical, or deep, so I won't. But it is something to ponder on. Let's see what our friend has to say in the rest of his letter. Could he be about to say something interesting, or bonkers?

Clue: I've included it in this blog post.

It could be a round of toast with what you want on it or a toasted sandwich.

Well...I suppose it could be. But it's interesting you say this, because...

I like toast.
I like a toasted sandwich.

But which is better? THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT!!

It might be a slice of homemade bread and butter - delicious for a lot, but not all can celebrate, due to an intolerance to gluten, but could eat a baked potato.

*head explodes*

But to bake a potato properly takes a long time in an energy-using electric or gas oven. What we want is a small compact electric machine to bake a potato, just one to satisfy our desire.

"Romeo and Juliet", copyright Ewar Woowar, 2011:

Romeo: "Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, and let mine desires be sated on the morn!"
Juliet: "My ears have not yet drunk a hundred words of that tongue's uttering, yet I know the sound: O Romeo! I would lay thee down on a bed o' thorns for your love. Embrace mine bosom and satisfy to one's heart content!"
Romeo: "Put your knickers back on and fuck off. I wanted a baked potato, you silly tart."

The bread toaster is well established, also the bread maker and the sandwich toaster. 

By the way, I didn't miss the logic in his previous sentence, which was essentially: "Electric oven uses energy, booo! Let's create an electric machine which will...well....use energy."

One day we will have this economic machine for doing one potato as we like it, but when?

The question on everyone's lips.

Malcolm McIntyre-Ure

Welsh. The nutty ones are ALWAYS Welsh.


The Prime Minister has stated that Britain could not stand by and do nothing whilst innocent people are being slaughtered in Libya.




Britain has been doing that for years with Zimbabwe.

A few years ago, when I was about 18, I'll happily admit I shared this view. But now I'm a bit older, and wiser, I've had to accept the logistics of it all. Mugabe is an evil bastard, but he's also smart. He's pretty friendly with the countries around him, and Zimbabwe is land-locked. Therefore it's pretty much impossible to get troops into there without kicking off an almighty dust up. And with troops already in Iraq and Afghanistan, as well as Libya and Syria teetering on the edge, we can't really afford a big ruckus down Africa way right now. It's sad for the Zimbabwean  people - and I went to school with one who had fled - but shit happens, I'm afraid.

But then Zimbabwe has not got oil has it?

Can you excuse me for a second?

*Puts down can of Coke, opens wardrobe and rummages inside. Finds trusty cricket bat. Runs to letter writers address, rings doorbell and patiently waits. Smacks letter writer over the head repeatedly. Runs back home and wipes sweaty brow with cold can*

Apologies for that. Just that blaming everything on "all about oil innit guv?" is the thing I hate the most, this side of "illegal war".

JH Wood

AKA Jim Wood. We have previous, I'm pretty certain.

I am now very cross indeed. Who's next? I can cope with pretty much anyone except our old friend Val Dunc...


Oh, Vince Cable thinks he is prime minister now, does he?

Hello Val.

*Keeps cricket bat nearby*

He's doddering about threatening the government with his nuclear weapons, while Clegg labours under the dream he runs the country.

That sentence is a lot funnier and more interesting when you imagine Cable literally threatening Cameron, Osborne et al with a nuclear warhead.

Cameron thinks educating any kids but our own is "spot on", although I agree with him on too much immigration.

Naturally. Send the buggers back, I say.

Did the big, white elephant in the room finally stamp on him?

Val, we've known each other for a few years now. And I know more than anybody that this letter isn't hitting the spot, y'know? It ain't....you. It isn't you, Val! Come on. Go back to what you're good at.

Meanwhile, the EU

Well done.

stamps all over us and bleeds us to death. The human rights commission tells us what we can and can't do.

Fuck human rights. I'm serious.

Fuck you and your "human rights". It's time they're banned, actually. Let me create a Facebook group for this.

And the directives continue to be rubber-stamped as they pour in. Who, exactly, is in charge here?

Val Duncan

Not you, thankfully.


Everyone is coming round to the view that there is no military solution to Afghanistan. The Afghan War is a disaster.

Allan Tucker

Thanks Allan! As wrong-headed as ever.


Cut Trident, not jobs, education and health, and no to nuclear power. It's expensive and not worth the risk.

Allan Tucker

Thanks Allan! You've gone 0-2 these past few letters. Have a day off.


The final letter in this clusterfuck was alerted to me by reader and teacher extraordinare Don. Thankyou, sir.

When I do these blog posts I try to pick letters which are silly, and wrong, but coherent enough to have something to discuss and poke fun at. This letter, however....well, you'll see.

So it is a lovely sunny day, the sky is blue...or is it?

An intriguing start, I'm sure you'll agree. In other news, I just had to let it auto-correct "intriguing". The one word I ALWAYS misspell.

Wait a moment the sky is not really blue, it is a hazy white. Why?

I'm excited. Let's go for it.

Did you know that we are systematically and daily being sprayed by government planes with toxic waste that is supposed to stop the global warming problem?

Reading this, I am reminded of a man I like very, very much called Mike Carlson. One or two people reading this will know who he is, I'd wager most people won't however. Basically, Mike Carlson is ace, he's cool, and I wish he was my dad.

I am reminded of Mike Carlson because when he was on Channel 5 a few years back co-presenting their baseball coverage, he used to signify something dumb happening (a bad error on the field, a dumb trade off of it, him getting the trivia question wrong etc) by making his fingers into a gun and pretending to blow his own brains out.

Guess what I'm doing right now?

Think I am talking nonsense, take a look at the sky. There are normal planes that pass by and their vapour trail goes away almost immediately, but then there are the chemtrails sprayed in straight criss cross lines widening and merging into a haze. I have a panoramic view where I live, overlooking Clun and I have been watching them doing this each morning over our hills!

I don't know about you, but there's one word in that paragraph that, to me, jumps out an absolute mile. Can you guess what it is? Have another look, I'll reveal all at the end.

So what is in the spray? Well I am no chemist or biologist

No shit.

but spraying systematic barium and aluminium into the air cannot be doing any of us any good. It is no wonder respiratory diseases, cancers and Alzheimers are on the increase?

I absolutely love the first part of this sentence. Paraphrased: "I don't know what's in the spray, but there's barium and aluminium in the spray."

I personally think this is outrageous. I have not been consulted about this, have you?

Well, yes, I have. You haven't? That's a shame. But it's true, I'm afraid. The good people at WACKJOB (West Midlands Agricultural Corporation Keeping Jobs Over Britain) gave me a call to discuss it. It's all rather exciting! Not too sure why they missed you out.

Something needs to be said and done about this, at least contact your local MP and protest. Our health is at stake and our world, as who knows about the long term effects of this madness.

Jackie Barnes

What a fitting word to finish on.

Back to that paragraph earlier. Did you spot the give-away word? If you didn't, no worries. If you did, well done! For it was:


Because that word just seemed really odd, slotted into the middle of a letter like that. It was almost a tell-tale sign that this lunatic has been reading stuff from other people which she's swallowed whole, and is now regurgitating this crap whilst her head spins round in a Linda Blair-esque fashion. I was intrigued by this word, so I Googled it, and naturally my fears were sadly founded. It's all a rather sad, bogus conspiracy:


Apologies for the wikipedia link, but then again I AM a student. Which reminds me, I have better things to be doing right now.

Like taking a nap. Ciao for now.