Tuesday, 16 November 2010

The Sloppiest of Stars

It feels like ages since we've had a look at some of the finest letters in my local rag, The Sloppy Star. So, let us now rectify this unfortunate oversight with a generous helping of nonsense. There's THREE letters for you to enjoy!

I was shown the Koran the other day. Flicking through the pages one chapter and verse caught my eye. 

This doesn't seem like a big thing, I grant you. But once we've read the rest of the letter, we'll come back to it. Promise.

Before I go on, America is typically represented by an eagle. 

Odd. But please, go on.

The verse goes: "For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a fearsome eagle. The wrath of the eagle would be felt through the lands of Allah and lo, while some of the people trembled in despair still more rejoiced; for the wrath of the eagle cleansed the lands of Allah."

Slightly odd.

Now the spooky bit about this was the verse and chapter number - Koran (9 : 11).

Name and address supplied

Wowzers! If you're a bit confused, let's just clarify this: In the Koran, verse 9 chapter 11 (9/11, you see?) there's a bit about the Eagle (America) bashing up the Arabians a bit after they had awoken it (9/11 again, you see?) That is, actually, really quite fucking scary. I'm certainly very glad the anonymous man brought this to my attention!


Re-reading the letter, something caught my eye. Let's go back to that sentence I highlighted at the beginning:

I was shown the Koran the other day. Flicking through the pages one chapter and verse caught my eye. 

This just struck me as odd. You see, he starts off by saying he was "shown" the Koran. This implies that someone else has shown him the text, and taken him to certain sections. However in the very next sentence he contradicts that, by claiming he was flicking through the text and completely at random settled on Verse 9:11, which just happens to be a conspiracy theorists dream.

That didn't ring true with me, so I thought I would just take a quick look at Verse 9:11 for myself. A quick Google search and...


"The chapter and verse citation...isn't a legitimate quotation from the Quran...no such passage appears in that book, at Chapter 9, Verse 11 or anywhere else."

Ewar Woowar - mythbuster. Stop wasting mine and everyone else's time, Mr Anonymous. You arse.

Is it any wonder people are obese.

Some people are obese. Others aren't.

 They are bombarded with TV shows about food: Masterchef - The Professionals, Ramsay's Best Restaurant, Street Market Chefs, Nigella's Food Show, Jimmy's Food Factory, Nigel Slater's Simple Supper, Hairy Bikers' Cook Off etc.

How VERY dare you criticise Nigella! And the Hairy Bikers! Stop shitting all over my lusts/heroes pal!

Talk about subliminal messages for couch potato viewers.

Not really. I believe my blogging friend Cynical Ben is a food afficionado, and in the pictures I've seen of him he's certainly not obese. In case you've never seen him, here's a photo I may or may not have saved on my computer:

I recall a few years ago when cigarettes were bad news,

Cigarettes - no longer bad news, apparently.

the government said no cigarette smoking on TV, no cigarette adverts, etc. Need I say more.

Yes, you really should. Don't get me wrong, there's far too many cookery shows on television, but a human being is responsible for what he/she puts in their mouth (steady on now). My mother complains all the time about how much football there is on TV. Somehow I don't see a letter from you reading:

"Look at all this football on TV! What a disgrace! Encouraging young people to run around outside and get lots of exercise! Far worse than those sticks that greatly increase your chances of getting lung cancer!!"

Pete Veloso

Go outside, walk around your beautiful, beautiful town and enjoy life. Quit yo jibber jabber, fool!

Recently in the media there was a good deal of self-righteous indignation about Nick Clegg choosing as his luxury on Desert Island Discs "a stash of cigarettes".

Not from me, there wasn't. As I said a minute ago, an adult is free to put into his mouth whatever he wants. I hate smoking, and right now I have issues with Nick Clegg, but to me it's a non-story. 

But as far as I know, not a dicky bird was said about his dreadful choice of records, which was no better than David Cameron's in 2006.

I did not hear the programme. Hit me with it. 

Between them they picked such giants of modern music as Radiohead, David Bowie, Johnny Cash, Bob Dylan, The Smiths, REM, The Killers and Pink Floyd. 

Radiohead - very good
David Bowie - genius
Johnny Cash - excellent bordering on genius
Bob Dylan - genius
The Smiths - very good
REM - very good
The Killers - shit
Pink Floyd - not my thing but they're very popular

That's a pretty decent selection. And considering that both Cameron and Clegg are in their early 40s, the time frame pretty much fits as well - they would have grown up listening to the likes of Bowie, Cash, Dylan, and then later on as they got a bit older moved onto The Smiths and Radiohead and so on.

Oh yes, and (in Cameron's case) Benny Hill! 


Both these guys were born into privilege (particularly Cameron), 


both were expensively and privately educated,

Correct, but, surely you're not...you're not going to say what I think you're going to say, are you? Surely?

 both went to one of our top two universities and both regularly rub shoulders with other highly educated people, from whom they surely learn much. Yet the music they chose to listen to repeatedly, perhaps for years marooned on a desert island, was no better than what would be selected by an average 15 year old boy or girl.

You have. Wow.

I honestly think this is a wind-up that not even Voley, our resident Communist, would attempt. What you're saying is that because someone called Percy Chummington-Bowdler had a posh upbringing, went to a good university, and met intelligent people, he must spend all day every day listening to Mahler's 5th Symphony: Tumbleweed on a G-String. That HOW DARE HE listen to "popular" music.

This is just a really sad letter. As someone who likes Dido, The Saturdays and B*Witched, I know more than anyone else that you shouldn't judge someone on their music tastes. Regarding David Cameron - I'll make my own mind up about him, thankyou very much. Whether he listens to Beethoven or Mozart, Steps or 5ive, it matters not a jot. Criticising his taste in "popular" music because he's a bit posh is the most awful, lazy, ridiculous stereotyping ever.

 Even allowing for the fact that politicians suck up to the electorate, they ought to be ashamed of themselves.


Seriously, someone show this blog entry to Nick Clegg. I mean it. Get Nick Clegg reading this right now. Wait, he's here? Right now? Good.

Hi Nick! Thanks for reading. NOW FUCK OFF YOU ABSOLUTE DISGRACE. Love, Ewar.

As I said earlier, I won't be joining the Nick Clegg Fanclub anytime soon, but to say he's "sucking up the electorate" (on this, anyway) is just awful shite. Yes, because someone really voted for the Liberal Democrats because Nick Clegg likes an REM song.

I've read some shit letters in my time, but this one has actually made me cross.

Sidney Evans

Welsh. I should have guessed.


  1. So much good stuff here Ewar.
    You really should write to the Shroppy Star with a correction for 'anonymous' - I bet nobody else does.

    Clegg and Cameron's taste in music: mostly good tracks, though I suspect they were chosen to fit a certain demographic rather than because they're beloved by the politicians. Cameron's the right age for the Smiths and mid-period REM. They're all cool-ish without giving you the impression that Cameron and Clegg are particularly passionate about music. Which is absolutely fine by me. I agree with everything you say about music above.

    Fine photograph you've got there. Ben was a bit porky for a while, though he's slimmer now.

  2. Woah, woah, woah there Vole. That photo is me at my absolute heaviest so I would hardly say porky, you David Cameron faced git.

    As for the blog post: fine stuff there sir. On the subject of politicians and their taste in music; Jack Straw, a few months after humourlessly shopping his own son for smoking a bit of weed, was asked by a newspaper to list some favourite songs. He wanted to look cool so he asked his kids to give him a modern song he could add to his actual list of favourites. They told him to put History by The Verve, so he did. The song of course features the lines

    "The bed's not made, but its filled full of hope, I've got a skin full of dope."

    Needless to say, the paper noticed. Brilliant!