Saturday, 4 December 2010

Bad News Bears

Oh dear. I know I shouldn't, I really do. But I have. It's an inexcusable crime for someone as world-weary and cynical as me, but as I'm tired I've left my guard slip a little, and they've got to me.

Yes, The Daily Mail has annoyed me. I know, I know. Oh Lord, I KNOW! I also know that ranting about that organ on the internet is not very original and you've seen it all before. But, fuck it. Let's analyse this shit!

The short days and bitter cold weather has had a lot of people down in the dumps.
So it is not surprising that girl band The Saturdays looked a little sour this morning as they arrived at Heathrow this morning in the early hours.

A little sour. You read that girls? You bunch of utter bitches. Sour. I don't know about you, but when I clicked on that link, and saw Rochelle, the glass of milk beside me literally curdled.

The singers were far from their usual bubbly selves as they made their way through the airport to catch their morning flight to Glasgow.
All five of them appeared decidedly glum as they arrived at the terminal wrapped up warm against the freezing pre-dawn chill.

Eagle-eyed readers will have noticed the conclusion of that sentence there. "The freezing pre-dawn chill." Now, I'm not being funny, but this all happened this morning (Friday 3rd December 2010). This morning, I wasn't too chuffed at getting up at 7:30am to take my brother to school. In the car at 8am it said that the temperature outside was -5c, so you can imagine what the temperature was like a few hours earlier. At an airport, places I've always found to be notoriously cold. The girls look a little glum? It's not really ridiculously shocking that, is it?

Rochelle Wiseman complained about her early morning wake-up call to followers on Twitter the night before.
'My alarm is set for 4.15am *unimpressed face* do I go to sleep or stay up?!' she wrote.

I wouldn't say that was "complaining" as such. What I would say to Rochelle is to try and get some sleep. Four hours sounds nothing but sleep works in patterns of four hour cycles, so having a little kip is a bajillion times more beneficial for you than not sleeping. Oh, wait, this is in the past. Still, remember that for next time kids! And you Rochelle! Now, onto the boring fashion stuff.

The 21-year-old was well prepared for the cold weather in a striped knitted jumper, leather and shearling vest, and carrying an extra overcoat on her arm. She managed to dress for both warmth and style though, adding high heel boots and a leopard print scarf to the ensemble.

Mollie King, 23, wore a knee-length military coat over stockings and a Russian-style fur hat for the flight. She added extra warm shearling-lined gloves and a pair of on-trend heeled Nitkowski boots from Aldo. Una Healy hid her tired eyes behind large sunglasses, and also managed to combine comfort and fashion with a pair of bedazzled Ugg boots. The 29-year-old redhead wore a butterfly-print T-shirt over leggings and a leather jacket. Baby of the group Vanessa White looked to be the most put-out by the early start. The singer, who recently turned 21, looked miserable as she arrived for the flight north. Wearing a belted tan coat with black trousers, platforms and a knit scarf, Vanessa hauled a large polka dot overnight bag.

Rising before dawn to deal with queues, security checks and custom officers at the airport is not many people's cup of tea.

It isn't, no. Correct. Well done. So therefore you've just undermined your whole article. The Saturdays are humans, just like the rest of us. I think you've just realised yourself how cretinous it is to blame a group of people for looking ever so slightly glum about a flight at 5am when it's about fucking -10c outside.

But it is hard to feel sorry for the celebrities, who would have skipped the uncomfortable waiting areas and lengthy lines.

Sorry, I forgot. They control the weather. They control the clock. How could I be so fucking stupid? I'll talk about The Sats a bit more in a minute, because I notice you've plumped for the old "they earn shitloads don't feel sorry for them" line. Oh, don't worry. I'll get to that.

In fact, Rochelle soon seemed to cheer up once she had checked in, and found time for a bit of shopping with band mate Vanessa.
The singer tweeted: 'Airport shopping is DANGEROUS!!!!!' 
'Thanks to everyone at REISS for looking after @vanessawhite and I this morning xx'
Mollie King appeared to be on hand for some retail advise, adding: 'I've been with two deliberating Sats this morning and they both went for it in the end woohooooo!'

Young woman in shopping shocker! And whilst I'm here, I find this new trick from journalists - throwing in tweets from the celeb in question or "ordinary folk" about the celebrity - is just really, really shit. I understand they have word limits to hit and it's a fantastic filler, but in respect to proper journalism it's proper shit. Yes, I know, I know, it's a stupid piece for a stupid paper, but could they not at least pretend to be at least trying?

The girls were back on the social networking site upon landing in Scotland, with Rochelle writing on her page: 'I thought I saw snow...and then I landed in Glasgow.. Lordy.' Frankie Sandford added: 'Landed in the north pole! Brrrrr.'

Yes, you see, what is this? This is nothing. If I wrote this in an essay, I'd be fucking crucified. Voley would probably quite literally castrate me.

Despite the girls thinking they had arrived in colder temperatures, Glasgow actually had a warmer forecast today than London.
The Scottish city was expecting temperatures of 1c, while London got down to -4c.

The girls were far more upbeat when the performed onstage at the Key103 Jingle Bell Ball in Manchester on Wednesday night in little sequined dresses.

Of course they were.

Their trip North will be fleeting, as they are due back in London in time for the London Jingle Bell Ball, thrown by Capital FM, on Sunday night.

And this is where I want to talk a little bit about The Saturdays. You see there was a show on ITV2 a month or two back entitled 'The Saturdays 24:7". It did what it says on the tin - it followed the band members around all day every day for about a month or so and filmed the "interesting" bits. It wasn't very good, but the one thing that struck me was just how hard those girls work. Early morning wake up calls are the norm, as are hotel rooms. They spend so much time travelling - performing at a concert before driving a few hours to the next one is common. When they have a single/album out, it's non-stop promotion. A meet and greet with fans, then off to a shopping centre to sign about 500 CDs, then off to a nightclub to perform their new single. Next day, about 10 radio interviews - where you answer the same questions over and over and over - and then some more performances. During the week, TV - where you answer the same questions over and over and over- and other media obligations. Not feeling well? Tough shit. Get out there and dance your heart out - record company want this single to be in the Top 5 in the charts this week, otherwise you're done. And so on and so forth.

Don't get me wrong. They are/will be very rich girls, their "job" is something which billions of girls dream about doing and they seem to be having the time of their lives. Deep down they probably know it won't last much longer, so they're enjoying it whilst they can. Let it be made loud and clear that my heart hardly bleeds for them, and I certainly don't feel "sorry" for them, but it annoys me when the tabloids go down this road.

For me, there's a bigger issue here. When my Dad was young (a long time ago, admittedly) newspapers were vitally important as they were the main source of news. There were good papers and shit papers back then as well, but they gave you the news nevertheless. Nowadays, they don't. Where do you get your news from? Your computer. Your iPhone app. Ceefax. 24 hour rolling news channels. Pretty much from anywhere except from newspapers published the next day. So the newspapers had to adapt, in order to survive. Nowadays in your newspaper it largely isn't news. It's political bias, it's opinion, it's scandal, it's speculation and rumour, and it's largely crap like "Some girls aren't jumping for joy at getting on a plane at 5am when it's about -10c, but we paid people to take their photos at their time so here's a fucking stupid article to make them pretend that their jobs are worthwhile."

The sad fact though is that people seem to lap this shit up. We've become Americanised in regards to "celebrity". We've become a nation where the paps have to take a photograph of an actress as she does her weekly shop, or a footballer fills up his car at the petrol station. A nation where celebrities have to play the media game. To become friendly with slimes like Piers Moron and Richard Desmond, so that they'll get positive press and their wrongdoings won't be published before they can take out a super-injunction. A nation where one man influences so many others in regards to who they should vote for, and the really hilarious thing is that he's Australian.

Do you have a story about a celebrity? Call the Daily Mail showbusiness desk on 0207 938 6364 or 0207 938 6683.

I've been trying to think of a way to wrap up this blog entry, but I've realised that Neil Hannon says it better than I ever could. We've entered Generation Sex, and we can never get out:

"Lovers watch their backs
As hacks
In macs
Take snaps
Through telephoto lenses
Chase Mercedes
Benzes through the
A mourning nation weeps
And wails
But keeps
The sales
Of evil tabloids healthy
The poor protect
the wealthy in
this world
Generation sex
The sperm
Of worms
Into the eggs of field mice
So you can look
real nice for the
And generation sex
Is me
And you
And we
Should really all
know better"

1 comment:

  1. Yes, I would.
    Great Divine Comedy usage.
    Twitter isn't filler: it's now where they get their entire 'stories' from. Every hack and snapper follows every no-mark celeb so they can find them or just make something up… How very dreary.