Friday, 18 November 2011

The (Un)Official 2011 Children in Need Live-Blog

13:30 Hello! I'm Ewar, and from 19:30 my good self and a few others will be live-blogging this year's "Children in Need" for you - that annual shitfest that the Beeb forces upon us every November.

Before we start though, here's the important stuff:

Official site

To donate

Official Children in Need online auction

Information about Children in Need

Song recorded by Duncan Buchanan & Leeann Davis (Minimum 50p download, 100% of money raised goes to Children in Need)

13:47 Truthfully? I'm not very well, friends. I have succumbed to manflu, which is rather inconvenient and annoying. Thankfully, earlier on in the week I wisely recruited a few pals to help me out tonight. So, if I've got this right - and obviously that's a big "if" - tonight's line-up should look something like this:

19:30-20:00 Me (@Bruno_Di_Gradi)
20:00-21:00 James/Jim/Scruff (@Scruff365)
21:00-22:00 Stephen Fry (@stephenfry)

No, wait...Stephen Fry didn't reply, did he? Bastard.

21:00-22:00 Me again (@Bruno_Di_Gradi)
22:00-23:00 Paul and perhaps his very lovely better half (@PaulMooreEsq)
23:00-Until I get bored Me once again

14:02 How to read a live-blog? It's easy! Keep this blog entry open, give it a refresh (F5) every 10-20 minutes and scroll down for up-to-date thoughts, musings, opinions, bile etc.

Got something funny to say? Either leave a comment (at the bottom) or tweet me at @Bruno_Di_Gradi and if I'm around I'll get your tweet put up on here.

16:21 I think that's everything for now. Time to wait patiently for 19:30 to come around and the show to start....

19:27 Still not feeling very well, but I've got a feeling that some videos shown tonight will make my moaning seem a tad silly. So, man up, Ewar. With clear eyes and full hearts, here we go...

19:30 Sir Terrence of Wogan as I live and breathe!

19:31 It's Tess Daly, Alesha Dixon and Fearne Cotton! Calm down Terry! Reminds me though, who else misses Gaby Roslin?

Just me? Cool.

19:33 First performance of the night and it's five little scrotes, I didn't catch their name. Think it was something like "Wand Erection". Is that Rory McIlroy?

19:37 "Every penny gets spent here in the United Kingdom". Thanks Alesha! I can happily donate now, knowing that some dirty foreigner won't be getting his grubby hands on our charity!

19:42 I've never seen 'The Wizard of Oz' yet seem to know all of the songs from it. Odd.

19:47 Ooh that was a very "eggy" moment as Paul Hawksbee likes to say. I like those - moments when the conversation suddenly gets a bit stilted and awkward. Normally seems to involve Sir Tezza as well.

19:55 Twenty five minutes in and we've gone regional for the first time tonight. What are you seeing right now? I'm seeing the lovely Joanne Malin and Pudsey the Bear. Ooh, Joanne just mispronounced 'Lyreco' as 'Lie-reco'. Schoolgirl error tbf.

19:56 Anyway, I'm off for a cup of tea, a paracetamol and the darts on Sky Sports One. No way I'm watching this shit all night!

Jim/James/Scruff? Over to you....hopefully...


19:58 Hello! Jim here. Not James. Only my Mum calls me James. And 'the reason I didn't live my life the way I wanted to'. I'm here for an hour of this shouty lunacy.

20:02 Jesus. Carlos Tevez has earned more than that while this has been on.

20:04 It's seriously a matter of time until the newsreaders have to do a live sex show. This gets worse every year. It's amazing to see where gravitas goes when it dies.

20:08 The male nipple count for this evening is now at one. Repeat. One male nipple. Whereabouts of the other unconfirmed.


20:16 Is the competitive element of Strictly really necessary at a charity event? They - oh that's bullshit! This is a fix!

20:20 That was a very sad, but very uplifting film. However, all things considered, I can't be the only one who's glad Zoe Ball is still so very, very attractive. In that jumper she was like a sexy wasp.

20:24 I do not want to see this man's sonic screwdriver. I do not want this to happen.

20:30 This is like a painfully middle class Sister Act. With a white, male Whoopi Goldberg. In double denim.

20:35 The Yard is basically how southerners viewed Byker Grove.


20:42 Wogan was here before you, Dixon, and he will be here long after you are gone.

20:44 "What would fund raising be without a bit of hair removal?" Ah yes, the age old question.

20:49 Little known fact: Tess Daly is the Princess of Derbyshire.

20:52 Ben Dover is the father of one of those children. The things I have seen his Dad do in kitchens.

20:56 Nick Knowles' face is getting less craggy. Is he having botox or many, many pies?

20:59 I leave this lunacy now to go to the pub. I escape moments before JessieJ and Matt Cardle arrive OH NO THEY'RE TALKING I HAVE TO GO BYE. JIM.X


21:01 Great work Jim, thank you! It's back to me again I'm afraid folks. Y'alright?

21:04 It seems I missed Susanna Reid a bit earlier on. Oh Susanna....Susanna Susanna. Words cannot express what I'd give up for you, my sweet.

21:05 I miss Susanna and instead get Gok Wan. Oh, life. Stop it.

21:07 Does anyone know if Gok is straight or not? Can't quite tell based on this.

21:15 Ah, it's the obligatory EastEnders cast prancing about to the obligatory Queen record. I HATE Queen. Despise them. I'm missing Phil Taylor vs Wes Newton for this FFS.

21:17 What next? I'll have a wild guess - "I Want to Break Free", men in drag, probably Ian Beale.....yes, there we are. Wonderful.

21:27 Hoorah! It's THE MUPPETS! Remember that awful tune they had on the 'BN' adverts? They're doing that, complete with celebrities making dicks out of themselves. It's strangely endearing.

21:39 After a rather sobering film, we're back live with SuBo! She's covering Depeche Mode's "Enjoy the Silence" I think, and it's not very good. Having said that, I'd bang at least one of the backing singers, so, there's that.


21:41 SuBo finishes, and the crowd goes mild!

21:42 Obligatory 'Dragons Den' bit. Oh it's all so predictable.

21:44 Sir Alan Sugar in the Den. It's not very good, though I did enjoy the line where he confused that new weird woman with James Caan. Was alright.

21:46 "Everyone in this room is someone that I hate. Pop Cowell in there and lock them away forever" - @PBC13

21:53 Here we go with the official Children in Need song! They've taken the classic 'Teardrop' and added some yo yo brizzle innit yoof speak bruv. Tulisa from N Dubz is there! But we can't hear her. Microphone fail!

21:55 I don't know who these people are.

21:59 Bemused. That was a load of shit. Anyway, here's Paul!


22:00 Evening all, I apologise for the next hour. I've decided that Children In Need has to be viewed through alcohol.

22:01 You've got to hand it to Debra Stevenson & Jon Culshaw, their impressions are amazing. This sketch is a bit short on gags mind you.

22:04 Ahh, #cin now on BBC2.

22:06 Seems a bit off talking about kids who are hungry because of poverty when theres tumbling Smarties behind Terrys shoulder.

22:08 Probably a bit flippant before, watching this is heart breaking. Can't believe that there are kids who are going without food. However, I notice the kid has the latest Chelsea shirt and Dads playing on the PS3. Something wrong here.

22:12 It's Fearne Cotton time. Seems a little uncomfortable between the two of them. Perhaps Tezza thinks like the rest of us?

22:15 Clare from Steps in a medium phase at the moment... It could go either way. My money is on comfort eating though.

22:18 This is quite painful isn't it? I don't know why they do Children In Need specials of panel shows. They're always absolutely awful.

22:19 Anyone want a top up of whisky? Trust me, it dulls the pain.

22:23 Noel Fielding delivers the first laugh out loud gag of the night. Pudsey is a benefit cheat. I'm sure if you ring up Children In Need they'll give you a refund.

22:28 In Havant they've been selling some of Pudsey's Special Sauce. Is that like the "special sauce" you get on a dodgy takeaway?

22:29 Serious bit. Concentrate.

22:32 KPC? More like KFC looking at the size of her!

22:34 Are all the female presenters tonight sponsored by Bacofoil?

22:35 Ed Sheeran isn't uber-talented Terry, he's uber-dull. And ginger. Pop stars are not ginger. Ever.

22:35 In light of the Blatter thing this week, can I offer a handshake to all gingers reading this?

22:35 We good carrot tops?

22:39 JLS .... oh yes! (Mrs Buxton very happy)

22:50 'Forget You'......that's not a difficult task with the Hollyjokes cast.

22:51 Those spots behind Sir Tel are mesmerising ... it's like watching a huge lava lamp.

22:57 As a parent this scares me to death. I know its easy to laugh at Children In Need, but stories like this are heart breaking. You never expect to bury your own child. Where do you go from there in your life? Even if its a quid, try and give something to CiN. Support services like this need to be supplied by our governments but they're not.

23:00 Right! Thats me done. Hope you've enjoyed the last hour as much as me. Back to the boss!


23:08 Great stuff Paul! Splendid work.

23:09 Feeling insanely tired as well as rough so whilst this nonsense goes on till 02:00, this blog will be finishing soon. Think I'll stick around for The Saturdays so I can have a good old perve over Mollie and then finish up.

Wait, what?

23:16 On a serious note, over 400 readers on this here blog today (at the time of writing). Normally takes me a fortnight to get that many! Thanks I love you all x

23:20 Olly Murs has a very strange head. I think it's that his forehead isn't quite in proportion.

23:34 Disaster! On two different counts! Firstly, my computer just took a funny turn and froze over, and secondly my head has got worse. You know that twat down at Portsmouth FC who constantly rings a bell during their matches? It's like that in my head right now, and it hurts.

23:38 Annoyingly, when my computer was on the blink there was an AMAZING performance by Steps, who have somehow managed to be as annoying second time around as they were in their pomp. Aside from Claire's discovery of pies, they haven't changed much.


23:51 Russell Howard and his mad eyes signals that perhaps it is time for me to go and get some rest.

It's been an emotional night my friends. Thanks to Jim and Paul for helping out so ably, and thank you to all of you who have read this nonsense - either all of it or just bits and pieces.

Goodnight, good luck, and may your God go with you.

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