Friday, 19 November 2010

Children in Need 2010 Live-Blog Spectacular!

15:38 Hello, good evening, and welcome. Well, won't this be exciting?

15:40 It is of course Children in Need night, so whilst I'm here, and we're at the top of the page, here's the boring stuff:

Donate here -
Follow Pudsey on Facebook here -
Follow Pudsey on Twitter here -
Online Pudsey ears or something I don't know here -
Children in Need in your area here -

That will do for now, eh?

15:46 Don't live in the UK? Incredibly young? An illegal immigrant? Don't own a TV? WELL you may not know who Pudsey is. But let me help you out! It's this twat:
And still nobody knows what happened to his eye. My money is on excessive masturbation over Gaby Roslin.

15:51 That's why I wear glasses, anyway.

15:53 But Ewar! Children in Need 2010 doesn't start till 7pm/19.00! Why are you starting this blog entry now?! Well, my irritating little friend, it's because at the start time it's incredibly likely that I'll be having my dinner, and it's stew and dumplings tonight - I'll not be missing that for Pudsey or any other fucking bear.

16:00 My brother has just come home from school and told me that Pudsey has a girlfriend called 'Lush'. Is this true?! WHAT IS THIS I DONT EVEN.

16:31 I've been trying to find out who/what is happening tonight, but everything is very vague. From the adverts, I'm presuming there will be JLS, The Saturdays, and anyone else who has a record to plug desperately. There will undoubtedly be a Strictly Come Dancing segment, and I believe some of the Dragons Den lot are doing a Come Dine with Me special.

Yes, I know. Look, I didn't tell you it was going to be good.

18:10 I have kicked my brother off the computer, so that's the reason for the pause in the live-blog. Truth be told however, there's not a great deal I can say right now, is there? We are 50 minutes away from kick-off. Dinner is about 20 minutes away, I believe. I'm STARVING.

18:52 Dinner over, and only 10 minutes to go until the big kick-off. Nothing more to report, except that tonight hopefully my good friend Dan will be chipping in with a few comments here and there. If he does, you'll know it's him as the comment will end with a (D).

18:59 Oh my god oh my god oh my god!

19:00 Sir Terry's "hair" looks interesting tonight. He's also just introduced Cheryl Cole as "the nation's sweetheart".

a) Excluded twice from school
b) Guilty of assault
c) Not called Kate Middleton

19:03 They're all crawling out of the woodwork now! Please welcome another good friend, Cash, who will also be joining in with this madness tonight. He'll end his comments with (C), won't you Cashie?

19:09 Thank you for the introduction Ewar! Watch out Andre! Big Heather will eat ya! (C)

19:11 With 3 of us all typing at once, comments may be deleted. You've just missed one where I was congratulating Tess Daly on her big boobs.

19:13 Re: Tess Daly, I'm now single! Tell Peter Kay to do one! (C)

19:16 I knew it wouldn't have been Manford. The dirty get. (C)

19:20 It's been a decent start. Only one mimed performance, and no eggy moments as of yet. Rest assured, this will change. So far we've had Chris Evans cleaning windows, and now we have Lewis Hamilton, Jenson Button and some kids driving go-karts.

19:23 What Wogan? Did you say more Helen Skelton? Yes please! Oh wait, you've just showed Miley Cyrus, I feel deflated. (C)

19:24 It's my boy Reggie Yates! Ah, but now it's Westlife. I'll go and get a glass of water. PS I think Dan is cooking his tea.

19:29 It's Colin Farrell with an earring in both ears! Reminds me to "purchase" London Boulevard, which looks a bit "oi oi, propa nawty". Nice to see Ray Winstone branching out into wider roles as well. In this one, he plays a Cockney gangster!

19:34 We've had our first nightmare of the evening, and no surprise it's come from Tezza! Having got rattled over mixing up website/Westlife, he then chucked a load of money on the floor out of the collection bucket. Time to retire Sir Tezza!

19:36 Tess Daly telling Tezza to frisk the audience for change? Well she can frisk me for change any time she wants! But Christ, Victor Meldrew's hair has grew! (C)

19:38 We've switched over to the regional output now for a few minutes. Where I am we have Joanne Malin at an ice-rink in Coventry. I can imagine it's the same kind of stuff elsewhere. That is all for now.

19:41 We're getting lots of visitors - thanks for reading! Particular you, all the way in Panama. PANAMA! Wowzers. Hope you're enjoying our nonsense.

19:48 That was an excellent moment! JLS (screams like a girl) walked out with a big cheque courtesy of Radio 2 listeners. The conversation went like this:

Tess: "Marvin, tell us how Radio 2 listeners raised that fantastic amount!"

Marvin JLS: "Erm...yeah, it's Terry's station and..erm...yeah, they did stuff. Great total!"

19:51 Was that Tubby Alan Turner? Legend! (C)

19:54 So I take it that Kylie is helping Top Gear audition for the next Stig? (C)

20:00 As much as I like Karen Gillan, I don't like Dr. Who. I'm going to scour the cupboards for snacks. (C)

20:08 It's Strictly Come Dancing popstars special, and we have a Saturday vs a McFly. I'm trying to get excited by this but I'm completely failing. Is it wrong of me to watch the darts instead for a bit?

20:29 We're back and it's the Hairy Bikers! I LOVE these guys! They seem to be singing along to Meatloaf in a greasy spoon cafe. Of course.

20:36 I'm still watching Children in Need, although Chinese Takeout will be arriving soon. But my God, its a load of rubbish so far. (C)

20:37 Chinese Takeout - what a band they are.

20:43 You're not missing anything, just a video of The Saturdays performing their latest. For me, it's all about Mollie (I like Rochelle as well) but Dan's favourite is Una. I don't know if Cash has a favourite Saturday. I imagine right now he's more interested in scoffing a chow mein.

20:50 Interesting.

20:56 A grown woman in the audience is crying over JLS. Unbelievable, really.

21:09 Ongoing currently is a hilarious mash-up of Eastenders and Coronation Street. As I don't watch either, the genius and hilarity of the situation is lost on me, to be honest. Meanwhile, Dan is watching ITV instead. The traitor.

21:20 That chow mien was lovely Ewar. I'm impartial to the Saturdays, but Una is a bit of a treat. The East Street mash-up was actually best thing so far. Now we have the fat Lorraine Kelly. That's great. (C)

21:26 Just want to state I don't like Cheryl Cole. Anyway these kids, don't worry kiddies, I had the same problem. No fecker wanted to sit next to me either. Where was my help? Where was my cooker? Where was my washing machine? That's right, still in bleeding Dixon's. I believe the men in white coats will be arriving shortly. (C)

21:32 Thankyou Cash, for doing an update at the exact same time as me two times in a row, thus deleting my musings. Blogger is shit like that. Anyway, yes, so what was I saying? Oh, I can't remember. Something about Susan Boyle being mentally ill. Anyway, here's BARROWMAN! (shakes fist)

21:37 John Barrowman's suit is really something else. White with coloured spots. It looks....well, interesting.

21:40 This Alexandra Burke song is shite, but there aren't many things I wouldn't do to put my face between those legs (D)

21:41 To be honest Dan, I can't stand her. Needs a good hit with a shovel. However, I think she slipped out an "Awooga!" somewhere. (C)

21:43 I see Dan has announced himself with a bang there. Apparently (I wasn't listening) Barrowman just called Alexandra "Andrea". Easy mistake to make.

21:46 OH MY GOD IT'S EAST 17!!

(not really, it's Take That. I don't get it.)

21: 48 There's one person who is fucking peeved to the max that Take That have reformed proper. This bloke Check him out. (D)

22:00 It's 10pm, which signals a wee break as we have the national news and regional news. If you fancy, it's Celeb Mastermind on BBC 2. I'm off for a lie down and a chocolate bar.

22:38 And we're back! Sadly, Tess Daly and her lovely boobs have been replaced by that skinny, mouthy chav, Fearne Cotton.

22:47 Since the break we've had Tom Jones. And Tom Jones. And some more Tom Jones. There's not a lot to say, really.

22:55 Oooooooh it's newsreaders time! Fiona Bruce! Sophie Raworth! Susanna Reid! Oh yes. Oh yes indeed.

23:03 Well, that was enjoyable until Louie Spence turned up. But no time to rest on our laurels! Oh no sir! It's Dragons Den Come Dine with Me special! Complete with Dave Lamb voiceover!

23:07 No idea why this has been shunted off till 11pm - it's the best thing of the night, to be honest. In other news, I have no idea where Dan and Cash are. Probably given up. Don't blame them. This is good though.

23:10 Peter Jones is a legend, let's be honest. And this hasn't changed my opinion, in any way whatsoever, that Duncan Bannatyne is a massive twat.

23:19 Interview with two of the Dragons, and amusingly the winner, Theo Paphitis, appears to be completely and truly rat-arsed. Splendid.

23:26 Peter Andre performs blasphemous bordering on illegal version of Michael Jackson classic Man in the Mirror. I'm no MJ fan, but I mean come on...would you ask the Woolpackers to do a Wurzels number? (D)

23:34 Pixie Lott. Ah, Pixie. Sweet, lovely, Pixie. If you're reading this love, I'd be more than happy to give you the most uncomfortable 7 seconds of your life.

Oh okay, sorry. But it's after the watershed.

23:49 The Hairy Bikers have just arrived at a greasy spoon cafe, and are now singing along to Meatloaf. Yes, correct. We've been here before. The fact that they're repeating stuff suggests I won't be around for too much longer I'm afraid folks. But it's been fun, eh?

23:53 Oh good. The slags from 'Loose Women'. This will end well.

00:05 It is now past midnight, and considering they've begun to repeat stuff, and there seems to be an awful lot of West End musical shite coming up, that's quite enough for me. Many thanks to Dan and Cash for their assistance. Many thanks to you for reading.

There's still time to donate, of course - no matter when you're reading this - over at

But, for now, it's thankyou, and goodnight.

Tuesday, 16 November 2010

The Sloppiest of Stars

It feels like ages since we've had a look at some of the finest letters in my local rag, The Sloppy Star. So, let us now rectify this unfortunate oversight with a generous helping of nonsense. There's THREE letters for you to enjoy!

I was shown the Koran the other day. Flicking through the pages one chapter and verse caught my eye. 

This doesn't seem like a big thing, I grant you. But once we've read the rest of the letter, we'll come back to it. Promise.

Before I go on, America is typically represented by an eagle. 

Odd. But please, go on.

The verse goes: "For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a fearsome eagle. The wrath of the eagle would be felt through the lands of Allah and lo, while some of the people trembled in despair still more rejoiced; for the wrath of the eagle cleansed the lands of Allah."

Slightly odd.

Now the spooky bit about this was the verse and chapter number - Koran (9 : 11).

Name and address supplied

Wowzers! If you're a bit confused, let's just clarify this: In the Koran, verse 9 chapter 11 (9/11, you see?) there's a bit about the Eagle (America) bashing up the Arabians a bit after they had awoken it (9/11 again, you see?) That is, actually, really quite fucking scary. I'm certainly very glad the anonymous man brought this to my attention!


Re-reading the letter, something caught my eye. Let's go back to that sentence I highlighted at the beginning:

I was shown the Koran the other day. Flicking through the pages one chapter and verse caught my eye. 

This just struck me as odd. You see, he starts off by saying he was "shown" the Koran. This implies that someone else has shown him the text, and taken him to certain sections. However in the very next sentence he contradicts that, by claiming he was flicking through the text and completely at random settled on Verse 9:11, which just happens to be a conspiracy theorists dream.

That didn't ring true with me, so I thought I would just take a quick look at Verse 9:11 for myself. A quick Google search and...

"The chapter and verse citation...isn't a legitimate quotation from the such passage appears in that book, at Chapter 9, Verse 11 or anywhere else."

Ewar Woowar - mythbuster. Stop wasting mine and everyone else's time, Mr Anonymous. You arse.

Is it any wonder people are obese.

Some people are obese. Others aren't.

 They are bombarded with TV shows about food: Masterchef - The Professionals, Ramsay's Best Restaurant, Street Market Chefs, Nigella's Food Show, Jimmy's Food Factory, Nigel Slater's Simple Supper, Hairy Bikers' Cook Off etc.

How VERY dare you criticise Nigella! And the Hairy Bikers! Stop shitting all over my lusts/heroes pal!

Talk about subliminal messages for couch potato viewers.

Not really. I believe my blogging friend Cynical Ben is a food afficionado, and in the pictures I've seen of him he's certainly not obese. In case you've never seen him, here's a photo I may or may not have saved on my computer:

I recall a few years ago when cigarettes were bad news,

Cigarettes - no longer bad news, apparently.

the government said no cigarette smoking on TV, no cigarette adverts, etc. Need I say more.

Yes, you really should. Don't get me wrong, there's far too many cookery shows on television, but a human being is responsible for what he/she puts in their mouth (steady on now). My mother complains all the time about how much football there is on TV. Somehow I don't see a letter from you reading:

"Look at all this football on TV! What a disgrace! Encouraging young people to run around outside and get lots of exercise! Far worse than those sticks that greatly increase your chances of getting lung cancer!!"

Pete Veloso

Go outside, walk around your beautiful, beautiful town and enjoy life. Quit yo jibber jabber, fool!

Recently in the media there was a good deal of self-righteous indignation about Nick Clegg choosing as his luxury on Desert Island Discs "a stash of cigarettes".

Not from me, there wasn't. As I said a minute ago, an adult is free to put into his mouth whatever he wants. I hate smoking, and right now I have issues with Nick Clegg, but to me it's a non-story. 

But as far as I know, not a dicky bird was said about his dreadful choice of records, which was no better than David Cameron's in 2006.

I did not hear the programme. Hit me with it. 

Between them they picked such giants of modern music as Radiohead, David Bowie, Johnny Cash, Bob Dylan, The Smiths, REM, The Killers and Pink Floyd. 

Radiohead - very good
David Bowie - genius
Johnny Cash - excellent bordering on genius
Bob Dylan - genius
The Smiths - very good
REM - very good
The Killers - shit
Pink Floyd - not my thing but they're very popular

That's a pretty decent selection. And considering that both Cameron and Clegg are in their early 40s, the time frame pretty much fits as well - they would have grown up listening to the likes of Bowie, Cash, Dylan, and then later on as they got a bit older moved onto The Smiths and Radiohead and so on.

Oh yes, and (in Cameron's case) Benny Hill! 


Both these guys were born into privilege (particularly Cameron), 


both were expensively and privately educated,

Correct, but, surely you're're not going to say what I think you're going to say, are you? Surely?

 both went to one of our top two universities and both regularly rub shoulders with other highly educated people, from whom they surely learn much. Yet the music they chose to listen to repeatedly, perhaps for years marooned on a desert island, was no better than what would be selected by an average 15 year old boy or girl.

You have. Wow.

I honestly think this is a wind-up that not even Voley, our resident Communist, would attempt. What you're saying is that because someone called Percy Chummington-Bowdler had a posh upbringing, went to a good university, and met intelligent people, he must spend all day every day listening to Mahler's 5th Symphony: Tumbleweed on a G-String. That HOW DARE HE listen to "popular" music.

This is just a really sad letter. As someone who likes Dido, The Saturdays and B*Witched, I know more than anyone else that you shouldn't judge someone on their music tastes. Regarding David Cameron - I'll make my own mind up about him, thankyou very much. Whether he listens to Beethoven or Mozart, Steps or 5ive, it matters not a jot. Criticising his taste in "popular" music because he's a bit posh is the most awful, lazy, ridiculous stereotyping ever.

 Even allowing for the fact that politicians suck up to the electorate, they ought to be ashamed of themselves.


Seriously, someone show this blog entry to Nick Clegg. I mean it. Get Nick Clegg reading this right now. Wait, he's here? Right now? Good.

Hi Nick! Thanks for reading. NOW FUCK OFF YOU ABSOLUTE DISGRACE. Love, Ewar.

As I said earlier, I won't be joining the Nick Clegg Fanclub anytime soon, but to say he's "sucking up the electorate" (on this, anyway) is just awful shite. Yes, because someone really voted for the Liberal Democrats because Nick Clegg likes an REM song.

I've read some shit letters in my time, but this one has actually made me cross.

Sidney Evans

Welsh. I should have guessed.