Friday, 4 February 2011

Valedictorian Duncan

It's Val Duncan. It's The Shropshire Star's letter page. You know the drill as well as I do.

Tony Blair

Bliar. Remember, the man lies about everything. I actually bumped into him the other day, nice man. I asked him what he got for Christmas. He told me some nice socks, but after he had walked into the cafe, Cherie told me it was actually boxer shorts. The crazy fucker just can't help himself!

was once quoted as saying it was a shame the UK was so small.

He was lying.

Obviously we didn't fit his vainglorious idea of being the big statesman on the world stage.

This is all just so depressing. I'm not Tony Blair's biggest fan, but whether you like him or not, he is yesterday's news. There are so many things to talk about at the moment - Egypt, the future of universities, the coalition, cricket spot-fixing, financial problems, Manchester United sweeping their way to a 19th league title, Korea. There is so much to discuss, with Tony Blair involved in precisely none of them.

Nevertheless, this is Val Duncan we're dealing with here. We have to be careful - she can wrong foot us at any given moment. Let's be on our guard.

We once had high standing because we had pride and achievements that far outclassed our land mass, but Blair couldn't see that. He gave away our pride and achievements, our history and our ancient laws and liberties for the dream of playing a bit part in Brussels and he came unstuck.

Yes, did you hear about this? Tony Blair gave our history away a few years back. I noticed it when I browsed a textbook in my brother's classroom the other day - apparently Winston Churchill didn't exist, and the Battle of "Britain" (remember Britain? Lol.) is now the Battle of Myanmar.

Bill Shakespeare is now Swedish, and wrote most of his work in the very first IKEA store, apparently. It's all fascinating stuff.

He took an independent country that gave the world some of the greatest inventions known to man and turned it into an over-populated, bankrupt island tagged on to the bottom end of Europe.

Yeah, that's something I noticed in a geography book - we're now at the bottom of Europe.

I get the feeling that you're a bit cynical about this, so let me just photocopy the map that was in the book and then find a way to pop it up on here. You'll be shocked....hang on, just copying it over....

Didn't believe me, did you?

With his bloated ego and lack of intelligence Blair couldn't see that he had thrown away a chance to stand with the greatest statesmen of all time by representing one of the most unique islands on the planet.

I hate this (bloated) sentence for two reasons. Firstly - whatever you think of him, Blair does stand as one of the greatest statesmen of all time. No, really, he does - and that isn't based on opinion. The simple fact is he can justifiably claim that based on three things:

1)  He was Prime Minister of an important and storied nation.
2)  He won 3 General Elections, which makes him tied-2nd in the all-time list in G.E. wins.
3)  He served for 10 consecutive years, putting him 6th in the all-time list in that regard.

(Mind you, I'm getting my info from Wikipedia, so I may be wrong there. Walpole probably only hanged around five minutes.)

Secondly, I hate the bit about Britain being "one of the most unique islands on the planet". Maybe I'm over-analysing this, but surely, by their very nature, every fucking country is unique? Australia is not Swaziland, and Sweden is not Chile. No two countries/islands/places are the same. Perhaps similar, but never the same.

Am I over-analysing? Let me know if I am. I have better things to do then get annoyed at this idiot, and better uses of my time.

We gave the world police, underground trains, public parks, the jet engine, the internet, the light-bulb, the computer, radar, powered flight and a host of other things.

Britain gave the world lots of great things, I have to agree. As I'm generous, I'm ignoring that the first public park was in Seville, the first police force was created by Louis XIV in France, and the origins of the internet are debatable and complicated, though I take the Berners-Lee point.

Now Cameron, Clegg and Miliband are more Blair clones who can't see what they truly represent. They are selling us into political obscurity. They see no further than their own egos and they throw away the greatness within their grasp. There is nothing as sad and dangerous as an ego the size of an elephant, resting on the shoulders of weak politicians.

End of letter. You're wrong, Val. I'd wager there's elderly people out there who lap up every single letter you write - who believe it, because you say so, and so does The Daily Express.

Joseph Goebbels was good at what you do, and he summed it up nicely: "If you tell a lie big enough and keep repeating it, people will eventually come to believe it."

Now that's sad and dangerous, Val.