The (Un)Official 2011 Children in Need Live-Blog

13:30 Hello! I'm Ewar, and from 19:30 my good self and a few others will be live-blogging this year's "Children in Need" for you - that annual shitfest that the Beeb forces upon us every November.

Before we start though, here's the important stuff:

Official site http://www.bbc.co.uk/pudsey/

To donate http://www.bbc.co.uk/pudsey/donate/

Official Children in Need online auction http://stores.ebay.co.uk/bbc-children-in-need/_i.html?rt=nc&LH_Auction=1

Information about Children in Need http://www.bbc.co.uk/pudsey/aboutus/

Song recorded by Duncan Buchanan & Leeann Davis http://duncanbuchanan.bandcamp.com/album/street-scene (Minimum 50p download, 100% of money raised goes to Children in Need)

13:47 Truthfully? I'm not very well, friends. I have succumbed to manflu, which is rather inconvenient and annoying. Thankfully, earlier on in the week I wisely recruited a few pals to help me out tonight. So, if I've got this right - and obviously that's a big "if" - tonight's line-up should look something like this:

19:30-20:00 Me (@Bruno_Di_Gradi)
20:00-21:00 James/Jim/Scruff (@Scruff365)
21:00-22:00 Stephen Fry (@stephenfry)

No, wait...Stephen Fry didn't reply, did he? Bastard.


21:00-22:00 Me again (@Bruno_Di_Gradi)
22:00-23:00 Paul and perhaps his very lovely better half (@PaulMooreEsq)
23:00-Until I get bored Me once again

14:02 How to read a live-blog? It's easy! Keep this blog entry open, give it a refresh (F5) every 10-20 minutes and scroll down for up-to-date thoughts, musings, opinions, bile etc.

Got something funny to say? Either leave a comment (at the bottom) or tweet me at @Bruno_Di_Gradi and if I'm around I'll get your tweet put up on here.

16:21 I think that's everything for now. Time to wait patiently for 19:30 to come around and the show to start....

19:27 Still not feeling very well, but I've got a feeling that some videos shown tonight will make my moaning seem a tad silly. So, man up, Ewar. With clear eyes and full hearts, here we go...

19:30 Sir Terrence of Wogan as I live and breathe!

19:31 It's Tess Daly, Alesha Dixon and Fearne Cotton! Calm down Terry! Reminds me though, who else misses Gaby Roslin?

Just me? Cool.

19:33 First performance of the night and it's five little scrotes, I didn't catch their name. Think it was something like "Wand Erection". Is that Rory McIlroy?

19:37 "Every penny gets spent here in the United Kingdom". Thanks Alesha! I can happily donate now, knowing that some dirty foreigner won't be getting his grubby hands on our charity!

19:42 I've never seen 'The Wizard of Oz' yet seem to know all of the songs from it. Odd.

19:47 Ooh that was a very "eggy" moment as Paul Hawksbee likes to say. I like those - moments when the conversation suddenly gets a bit stilted and awkward. Normally seems to involve Sir Tezza as well.

19:55 Twenty five minutes in and we've gone regional for the first time tonight. What are you seeing right now? I'm seeing the lovely Joanne Malin and Pudsey the Bear. Ooh, Joanne just mispronounced 'Lyreco' as 'Lie-reco'. Schoolgirl error tbf.

19:56 Anyway, I'm off for a cup of tea, a paracetamol and the darts on Sky Sports One. No way I'm watching this shit all night!

Jim/James/Scruff? Over to you....hopefully...

===================================================

19:58 Hello! Jim here. Not James. Only my Mum calls me James. And 'the reason I didn't live my life the way I wanted to'. I'm here for an hour of this shouty lunacy.

20:02 Jesus. Carlos Tevez has earned more than that while this has been on.

20:04 It's seriously a matter of time until the newsreaders have to do a live sex show. This gets worse every year. It's amazing to see where gravitas goes when it dies.

20:08 The male nipple count for this evening is now at one. Repeat. One male nipple. Whereabouts of the other unconfirmed.

20:10 RIPPON! WE HAVE RIPPON!

20:16 Is the competitive element of Strictly really necessary at a charity event? They - oh that's bullshit! This is a fix!

20:20 That was a very sad, but very uplifting film. However, all things considered, I can't be the only one who's glad Zoe Ball is still so very, very attractive. In that jumper she was like a sexy wasp.

20:24 I do not want to see this man's sonic screwdriver. I do not want this to happen.

20:30 This is like a painfully middle class Sister Act. With a white, male Whoopi Goldberg. In double denim.

20:35 The Yard is basically how southerners viewed Byker Grove.

20:37 OH GOD. DEACTIVATE THE CHILDREN. THIS ENDEAVOUR HAS NOT SUCCEEDED.

20:42 Wogan was here before you, Dixon, and he will be here long after you are gone.

20:44 "What would fund raising be without a bit of hair removal?" Ah yes, the age old question.

20:49 Little known fact: Tess Daly is the Princess of Derbyshire.

20:52 Ben Dover is the father of one of those children. The things I have seen his Dad do in kitchens.

20:56 Nick Knowles' face is getting less craggy. Is he having botox or many, many pies?

20:59 I leave this lunacy now to go to the pub. I escape moments before JessieJ and Matt Cardle arrive OH NO THEY'RE TALKING I HAVE TO GO BYE. JIM.X

===================================================

21:01 Great work Jim, thank you! It's back to me again I'm afraid folks. Y'alright?

21:04 It seems I missed Susanna Reid a bit earlier on. Oh Susanna....Susanna Susanna. Words cannot express what I'd give up for you, my sweet.

21:05 I miss Susanna and instead get Gok Wan. Oh, life. Stop it.

21:07 Does anyone know if Gok is straight or not? Can't quite tell based on this.

21:15 Ah, it's the obligatory EastEnders cast prancing about to the obligatory Queen record. I HATE Queen. Despise them. I'm missing Phil Taylor vs Wes Newton for this FFS.

21:17 What next? I'll have a wild guess - "I Want to Break Free", men in drag, probably Ian Beale.....yes, there we are. Wonderful.

21:27 Hoorah! It's THE MUPPETS! Remember that awful tune they had on the 'BN' adverts? They're doing that, complete with celebrities making dicks out of themselves. It's strangely endearing.

21:39 After a rather sobering film, we're back live with SuBo! She's covering Depeche Mode's "Enjoy the Silence" I think, and it's not very good. Having said that, I'd bang at least one of the backing singers, so, there's that.

What?

21:41 SuBo finishes, and the crowd goes mild!

21:42 Obligatory 'Dragons Den' bit. Oh it's all so predictable.

21:44 Sir Alan Sugar in the Den. It's not very good, though I did enjoy the line where he confused that new weird woman with James Caan. Was alright.

21:46 "Everyone in this room is someone that I hate. Pop Cowell in there and lock them away forever" - @PBC13

21:53 Here we go with the official Children in Need song! They've taken the classic 'Teardrop' and added some yo yo brizzle innit yoof speak bruv. Tulisa from N Dubz is there! But we can't hear her. Microphone fail!

21:55 I don't know who these people are.

21:59 Bemused. That was a load of shit. Anyway, here's Paul!

===================================================

22:00 Evening all, I apologise for the next hour. I've decided that Children In Need has to be viewed through alcohol.

22:01 You've got to hand it to Debra Stevenson & Jon Culshaw, their impressions are amazing. This sketch is a bit short on gags mind you.

22:04 Ahh, #cin now on BBC2.

22:06 Seems a bit off talking about kids who are hungry because of poverty when theres tumbling Smarties behind Terrys shoulder.

22:08 Probably a bit flippant before, watching this is heart breaking. Can't believe that there are kids who are going without food. However, I notice the kid has the latest Chelsea shirt and Dads playing on the PS3. Something wrong here.

22:12 It's Fearne Cotton time. Seems a little uncomfortable between the two of them. Perhaps Tezza thinks like the rest of us?

22:15 Clare from Steps in a medium phase at the moment... It could go either way. My money is on comfort eating though.

22:18 This is quite painful isn't it? I don't know why they do Children In Need specials of panel shows. They're always absolutely awful.

22:19 Anyone want a top up of whisky? Trust me, it dulls the pain.

22:23 Noel Fielding delivers the first laugh out loud gag of the night. Pudsey is a benefit cheat. I'm sure if you ring up Children In Need they'll give you a refund.

22:28 In Havant they've been selling some of Pudsey's Special Sauce. Is that like the "special sauce" you get on a dodgy takeaway?

22:29 Serious bit. Concentrate.

22:32 KPC? More like KFC looking at the size of her!

22:34 Are all the female presenters tonight sponsored by Bacofoil?

22:35 Ed Sheeran isn't uber-talented Terry, he's uber-dull. And ginger. Pop stars are not ginger. Ever.

22:35 In light of the Blatter thing this week, can I offer a handshake to all gingers reading this?

22:35 We good carrot tops?

22:39 JLS .... oh yes! (Mrs Buxton very happy)

22:50 'Forget You'......that's not a difficult task with the Hollyjokes cast.

22:51 Those spots behind Sir Tel are mesmerising ... it's like watching a huge lava lamp.

22:57 As a parent this scares me to death. I know its easy to laugh at Children In Need, but stories like this are heart breaking. You never expect to bury your own child. Where do you go from there in your life? Even if its a quid, try and give something to CiN. Support services like this need to be supplied by our governments but they're not.

23:00 Right! Thats me done. Hope you've enjoyed the last hour as much as me. Back to the boss!

===================================================

23:08 Great stuff Paul! Splendid work.

23:09 Feeling insanely tired as well as rough so whilst this nonsense goes on till 02:00, this blog will be finishing soon. Think I'll stick around for The Saturdays so I can have a good old perve over Mollie and then finish up.

Wait, what?

23:16 On a serious note, over 400 readers on this here blog today (at the time of writing). Normally takes me a fortnight to get that many! Thanks I love you all x

23:20 Olly Murs has a very strange head. I think it's that his forehead isn't quite in proportion.

23:34 Disaster! On two different counts! Firstly, my computer just took a funny turn and froze over, and secondly my head has got worse. You know that twat down at Portsmouth FC who constantly rings a bell during their matches? It's like that in my head right now, and it hurts.

23:38 Annoyingly, when my computer was on the blink there was an AMAZING performance by Steps, who have somehow managed to be as annoying second time around as they were in their pomp. Aside from Claire's discovery of pies, they haven't changed much.

23:40 THE SATS OMFG!!

23:51 Russell Howard and his mad eyes signals that perhaps it is time for me to go and get some rest.

It's been an emotional night my friends. Thanks to Jim and Paul for helping out so ably, and thank you to all of you who have read this nonsense - either all of it or just bits and pieces.

Goodnight, good luck, and may your God go with you.

Children in Need 2010 Live-Blog Spectacular!

15:38 Hello, good evening, and welcome. Well, won't this be exciting?

15:40 It is of course Children in Need night, so whilst I'm here, and we're at the top of the page, here's the boring stuff:

Donate here - http://www.bbc.co.uk/pudsey/donate/
Follow Pudsey on Facebook here - http://www.facebook.com/pages/Pudsey-Bear/14043714875
Follow Pudsey on Twitter here - http://twitter.com/pudseybear
Online Pudsey ears or something I don't know here - http://www.pudseyears.co.uk/
Children in Need in your area here - http://www.bbc.co.uk/pudsey/news/map.shtml

That will do for now, eh?

15:46 Don't live in the UK? Incredibly young? An illegal immigrant? Don't own a TV? WELL you may not know who Pudsey is. But let me help you out! It's this twat:

And still nobody knows what happened to his eye. My money is on excessive masturbation over Gaby Roslin.

15:51 That's why I wear glasses, anyway.

15:53 But Ewar! Children in Need 2010 doesn't start till 7pm/19.00! Why are you starting this blog entry now?! Well, my irritating little friend, it's because at the start time it's incredibly likely that I'll be having my dinner, and it's stew and dumplings tonight - I'll not be missing that for Pudsey or any other fucking bear.

16:00 My brother has just come home from school and told me that Pudsey has a girlfriend called 'Lush'. Is this true?! WHAT IS THIS I DONT EVEN.

16:31 I've been trying to find out who/what is happening tonight, but everything is very vague. From the adverts, I'm presuming there will be JLS, The Saturdays, and anyone else who has a record to plug desperately. There will undoubtedly be a Strictly Come Dancing segment, and I believe some of the Dragons Den lot are doing a Come Dine with Me special.

Yes, I know. Look, I didn't tell you it was going to be good.

18:10 I have kicked my brother off the computer, so that's the reason for the pause in the live-blog. Truth be told however, there's not a great deal I can say right now, is there? We are 50 minutes away from kick-off. Dinner is about 20 minutes away, I believe. I'm STARVING.

18:52 Dinner over, and only 10 minutes to go until the big kick-off. Nothing more to report, except that tonight hopefully my good friend Dan will be chipping in with a few comments here and there. If he does, you'll know it's him as the comment will end with a (D).

18:59 Oh my god oh my god oh my god!

19:00 Sir Terry's "hair" looks interesting tonight. He's also just introduced Cheryl Cole as "the nation's sweetheart".

a) Excluded twice from school

b) Guilty of assault

c) Not called Kate Middleton

19:03 They're all crawling out of the woodwork now! Please welcome another good friend, Cash, who will also be joining in with this madness tonight. He'll end his comments with (C), won't you Cashie?

19:09 Thank you for the introduction Ewar! Watch out Andre! Big Heather will eat ya! (C)

19:11 With 3 of us all typing at once, comments may be deleted. You've just missed one where I was congratulating Tess Daly on her big boobs.

19:13 Re: Tess Daly, I'm now single! Tell Peter Kay to do one! (C)

19:16 I knew it wouldn't have been Manford. The dirty get. (C)

19:20 It's been a decent start. Only one mimed performance, and no eggy moments as of yet. Rest assured, this will change. So far we've had Chris Evans cleaning windows, and now we have Lewis Hamilton, Jenson Button and some kids driving go-karts.

19:23 What Wogan? Did you say more Helen Skelton? Yes please! Oh wait, you've just showed Miley Cyrus, I feel deflated. (C)

19:24 It's my boy Reggie Yates! Ah, but now it's Westlife. I'll go and get a glass of water. PS I think Dan is cooking his tea.

19:29 It's Colin Farrell with an earring in both ears! Reminds me to "purchase" London Boulevard, which looks a bit "oi oi, propa nawty". Nice to see Ray Winstone branching out into wider roles as well. In this one, he plays a Cockney gangster!

19:34 We've had our first nightmare of the evening, and no surprise it's come from Tezza! Having got rattled over mixing up website/Westlife, he then chucked a load of money on the floor out of the collection bucket. Time to retire Sir Tezza!

19:36 Tess Daly telling Tezza to frisk the audience for change? Well she can frisk me for change any time she wants! But Christ, Victor Meldrew's hair has grew! (C)

19:38 We've switched over to the regional output now for a few minutes. Where I am we have Joanne Malin at an ice-rink in Coventry. I can imagine it's the same kind of stuff elsewhere. That is all for now.

19:41 We're getting lots of visitors - thanks for reading! Particular you, all the way in Panama. PANAMA! Wowzers. Hope you're enjoying our nonsense.

19:48 That was an excellent moment! JLS (screams like a girl) walked out with a big cheque courtesy of Radio 2 listeners. The conversation went like this:

Tess: "Marvin, tell us how Radio 2 listeners raised that fantastic amount!"

Marvin JLS: "Erm...yeah, it's Terry's station and..erm...yeah, they did stuff. Great total!"

19:51 Was that Tubby Alan Turner? Legend! (C)

19:54 So I take it that Kylie is helping Top Gear audition for the next Stig? (C)

20:00 As much as I like Karen Gillan, I don't like Dr. Who. I'm going to scour the cupboards for snacks. (C)

20:08 It's Strictly Come Dancing popstars special, and we have a Saturday vs a McFly. I'm trying to get excited by this but I'm completely failing. Is it wrong of me to watch the darts instead for a bit?

20:29 We're back and it's the Hairy Bikers! I LOVE these guys! They seem to be singing along to Meatloaf in a greasy spoon cafe. Of course.

20:36 I'm still watching Children in Need, although Chinese Takeout will be arriving soon. But my God, its a load of rubbish so far. (C)

20:37 Chinese Takeout - what a band they are.

20:43 You're not missing anything, just a video of The Saturdays performing their latest. For me, it's all about Mollie (I like Rochelle as well) but Dan's favourite is Una. I don't know if Cash has a favourite Saturday. I imagine right now he's more interested in scoffing a chow mein.

20:50 Interesting.

20:56 A grown woman in the audience is crying over JLS. Unbelievable, really.

21:09 Ongoing currently is a hilarious mash-up of Eastenders and Coronation Street. As I don't watch either, the genius and hilarity of the situation is lost on me, to be honest. Meanwhile, Dan is watching ITV instead. The traitor.

21:20 That chow mien was lovely Ewar. I'm impartial to the Saturdays, but Una is a bit of a treat. The East Street mash-up was actually best thing so far. Now we have the fat Lorraine Kelly. That's great. (C)

21:26 Just want to state I don't like Cheryl Cole. Anyway these kids, don't worry kiddies, I had the same problem. No fecker wanted to sit next to me either. Where was my help? Where was my cooker? Where was my washing machine? That's right, still in bleeding Dixon's. I believe the men in white coats will be arriving shortly. (C)

21:32 Thankyou Cash, for doing an update at the exact same time as me two times in a row, thus deleting my musings. Blogger is shit like that. Anyway, yes, so what was I saying? Oh, I can't remember. Something about Susan Boyle being mentally ill. Anyway, here's BARROWMAN! (shakes fist)

21:37 John Barrowman's suit is really something else. White with coloured spots. It looks....well, interesting.

21:40 This Alexandra Burke song is shite, but there aren't many things I wouldn't do to put my face between those legs (D)

21:41 To be honest Dan, I can't stand her. Needs a good hit with a shovel. However, I think she slipped out an "Awooga!" somewhere. (C)

21:43 I see Dan has announced himself with a bang there. Apparently (I wasn't listening) Barrowman just called Alexandra "Andrea". Easy mistake to make.

21:46 OH MY GOD IT'S EAST 17!!

(not really, it's Take That. I don't get it.)

21: 48 There's one person who is fucking peeved to the max that Take That have reformed proper. This bloke http://www.chriskingpromotions.com/Gary%20Barlow.html Check him out. (D)

22:00 It's 10pm, which signals a wee break as we have the national news and regional news. If you fancy, it's Celeb Mastermind on BBC 2. I'm off for a lie down and a chocolate bar.

22:38 And we're back! Sadly, Tess Daly and her lovely boobs have been replaced by that skinny, mouthy chav, Fearne Cotton.

22:47 Since the break we've had Tom Jones. And Tom Jones. And some more Tom Jones. There's not a lot to say, really.

22:55 Oooooooh it's newsreaders time! Fiona Bruce! Sophie Raworth! Susanna Reid! Oh yes. Oh yes indeed.

23:03 Well, that was enjoyable until Louie Spence turned up. But no time to rest on our laurels! Oh no sir! It's Dragons Den Come Dine with Me special! Complete with Dave Lamb voiceover!

23:07 No idea why this has been shunted off till 11pm - it's the best thing of the night, to be honest. In other news, I have no idea where Dan and Cash are. Probably given up. Don't blame them. This is good though.

23:10 Peter Jones is a legend, let's be honest. And this hasn't changed my opinion, in any way whatsoever, that Duncan Bannatyne is a massive twat.

23:19 Interview with two of the Dragons, and amusingly the winner, Theo Paphitis, appears to be completely and truly rat-arsed. Splendid.

23:26 Peter Andre performs blasphemous bordering on illegal version of Michael Jackson classic Man in the Mirror. I'm no MJ fan, but I mean come on...would you ask the Woolpackers to do a Wurzels number? (D)

23:34 Pixie Lott. Ah, Pixie. Sweet, lovely, Pixie. If you're reading this love, I'd be more than happy to give you the most uncomfortable 7 seconds of your life.

Oh okay, sorry. But it's after the watershed.

23:49 The Hairy Bikers have just arrived at a greasy spoon cafe, and are now singing along to Meatloaf. Yes, correct. We've been here before. The fact that they're repeating stuff suggests I won't be around for too much longer I'm afraid folks. But it's been fun, eh?

23:53 Oh good. The slags from 'Loose Women'. This will end well.

00:05 It is now past midnight, and considering they've begun to repeat stuff, and there seems to be an awful lot of West End musical shite coming up, that's quite enough for me. Many thanks to Dan and Cash for their assistance. Many thanks to you for reading.

There's still time to donate, of course - no matter when you're reading this - over at http://www.bbc.co.uk/pudsey/donate/

But, for now, it's thankyou, and goodnight.