Follow Follow Follow

I'm pleased to say that over the past few weeks I've gained a few new followers, so it's about time I kept up with tradition and gave a big shout-out to those who have been kind enough to follow.

Chinny is a fellow student at The Hegemon, and his blog looks an interesting one about the wonders of computer games. As highlighted by a discussion over at The Plashing Vole the other day, we all know that Civilization II is the greatest game ever, with Championship Manager 01/02 a close second. Mind you, this Alan Wake game looks interesting, even if it would scare the shit out of me.

Lynsey Spence is a friend from Twitter. At this moment in time I'm trying to think of a catchy little phrase for that - "Twitpal"? "Chummer"? "My crew of Tweetz"? I give up. Anyway, she's cool, and you can find her here.

nadineoregan is another "Palitter". That's it, jeez, I really do give up. I first stumbled upon Nadine after she tweeted a question to Graham Linehan about the greatest film of the decade, Juno. Since then she has amazed me with her wit, her knowledge and most of all her ability to tweet about 100 times a day, every day :)

You can find Nadine's blog here.

And then there's the mysterious Christina, who since following me has now changed her name to Creditadvisor. Hmm. She(?) doesn't seem to have a blog, but if you do need advice on credit, she's your bot! Sorry, gal!

Of course the more followers I get means an increased pressure on myself to blog about interesting stuff. So join me next time, when I write about cheese, or something.

Nike 1-0 Robbie Williams

You can tell it's World Cup year, as there seems to be an influx of football adverts at the moment. My particular favourite is the new Sony advert:

Well, it was, anyway, until last night I laid my eyes on Nike's effort especially for the World Cup. And all I can say is WOW. I frequent a football forum where popular things are disliked and it's almost frowned upon to admit that something is good, yet 95% of people who commented on this video said it is bloody brilliant. And by Jove it is.

Helpful tip - click on the title of the video to launch it in a new window, than watch it in full screen.

Rooney! Ronny! Evra! KOBE! Ah, it's just too good. Apparently it's officially being launched tomorrow, which I presume will be half-time in the Champions League Final.

What isn't so good however is the "new" version of 'Three Lions', the classic Broudie, Baddiel and Skinner football song. In 1996, it was the anthem of the summer, and as an 8 year old at the time it was almost impossible not to be swept along by the fervour that went with it.

In 1998, it was tinkered with and re-released for the World Cup. It wasn't bad, but in the Ewar household it was all about Fat Les and 'Vindaloo' that summer.

But now this. Updated once more, but this time it's with Robbie Williams and Russell Brand in tow. Yes, it's as bad as you suspect it to be, based on that sentence above:

Bring back World in Motion, that's all I can say.

Welcome Return

Let's not muck around here - it's good to have Alwyn Cox from Oswestry back writing letters into the Sloppy Star. Who could forget his bizarre pro-Tesco rant? Or his demand for people to give their name, address, bank details and account of how they lost their virginity before he would speak to them on the phone? I for one certainly dont! So let's now enjoy his latest rant, and my goodness it's a doozy.

I am an avid fan of the antiques programmes that are on TV most days, but one I will never watch again.

I can't understand why anyone watches antiques programmes, but there we go. Unless Tim Wonnacott is on them - legend, tbf.

I was watching Cracking Antiques on BBC2, when I was impelled to turn it off.

At some point reading this you'll probably wonder why Alwyn has penned this letter to The Sloppy Star, or indeed why he's decided to write a letter about this at all. Don't worry, you're not alone in that.

The presenter Kathryn Rayward was painting the front of a sideboard, and when she had finished she stated that she had just increased the sex appeal of the sideboard by 300%.

Erm.....right....

What did the fool mean?

THE FOOL! I PITY THE FOOL!

She probably meant that she had made it look nicer. Just a thought.

Why does she need to use a ridiculous phrase like that to describe a bog standard paint job on a bog standard sideboard from the sixties?

Complain. Seriously. Not to us - write to the BBC, get them to sack her. If they won't do that, they might sack that cunt Robert Peston instead, so it's well worth doing.

Does she not realise how silly she sounds?

Silly. Fool. Silly fool!

Well she has done it for me.

You secretly fancy her don't you? I like the idea that this letter is like boys at school, where they tease and pick on the girl they actually really fancy.

I will never watch another programme that I know she has had anything to do with.

Alwyn, you big flirt you!

(end of letter)

Alwyn: "Thanks for coming Jeff! Oooh, claret? You shouldn't have, really. 1992 Australian, looks splendid! Thanks very much - come on through, everyone else is here already."

(Alwyn leads Jeff into the living room, introduces him to all his other friends)

Alwyn: "My wife is making hot dogs for half time, we've got snacks over there and there's a fridge full of Heineken so just ask if you want one. Right, here we go then!"

Gary Lineker (on TV): "Good evening - it's that time again. A place in the World Cup Final beckons, but only if England can conquer their Argentinian foes, a team containing a certain Leo Messi and managed by an old friend...with the exclusive team news, let's cross pitchside and join our reporter, Kathryn Rayward!"

Alwyn: F*@%£$@*%$^&$!

Garth Vader

Right, enough politics. ENOUGH! Let us instead turn our attention to football (sorry, ladies) and have a quick browse of the Premier League team of the season, as chosen by the exuberantly awful Garth Crooks.

You can find the piece here - http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/eng_prem/8673410.stm

Needless to say, it's bloody stupid:

GK - HEURELHO GOMES

Having taken enormous criticism during the early part of the season,

Last season.

Gomes has re-discovered the form that gave him legendary status in the Netherlands.

I've always been a fan of Gomes, even during his sticky spell when he first came over here. He was a very good goalkeeper for PSV Eindhoven, although "legendary status" is perhaps going a bit too far - he was hardly Johann Cruyff.

He's had a good season, but in my mind Joe Hart and Thomas Sorensen would have been a better choice here.

RB - BRANISLAV IVANOVIC

LB - PATRICE EVRA

Both fine. Well done Garth.

CB - JOHN TERRY

htrhrhsjsryjyumydemdgjmfnagng\rnmmteVSFBRGFNATHYAYTQ!!!!!!!!111111eleventy!!!!

Chelsea captain John Terry recently had a pop at his critics, who claimed that his off-field activities resulted in poor form. Really? What poor form?

Oh my god, or, as the kids would say, OMG! You clearly do not actually watch football, Garth. John Terry has had a pretty woeful season, encapsulated by his dire performance and red card against Spurs, which led many to (rightly) question his form. Ring any bells? No? Right.

I also enjoy what Terry did being labelled as "off-field activities". I love the BBC, but sometimes I wish they would just call a spade a spade. Or, in this case, a cunt a cunt.

CB - NEMANJA VIDIC

Not even close. I'm starting to think that Garth is picking people that a) play for the big teams and b) are people that he has heard of.

Richard Dunne, Roger Johnson, Thomas Vermaelen, Michael Dawson, Ledley King, Gary Cahill, Carlos Cuellar, Brede Hangeland, Ryan Shawcross and maybe even Jody Craddock have all had better seasons.

Vidic is fab, and as a United fan I love him (until he fucks off abroad) but to say he deserves to be in a team of the year is a little silly.

CM - CESC FABREGAS

CM - FRANK LAMPARD

CM - FLORENT MALOUDA

I can't hate on this too much...although I think maybe Darren Fletcher and James Milner are a touch unlucky here.

ST - CARLOS TEVEZ

Manchester City's investment in Tevez - thought to have cost £25.5m - has paid off handsomely!

Good work Garth, only about £15m under the real price there.

Welcome to Manchester!

You kill me, you really do.

ST - DIDIER DROGBA

His goals at Old Trafford and Anfield might have been tinged with controversy but he still had to put the ball in the back of the net.

Nothing controversial about either, Garth. He was at least a good yard offside for the first one and the second was giftwrapped for him by the L****pool captain (more on him later) who clearly wanted Chelsea to win the league. No controversy, just life.

ST - WAYNE ROONEY

The PFA and the Football Writers' Player of the Year. Nuff said!

Nothing about his improved heading? His freedom on the pitch since Ronaldo left? The fact he's now being played up front? His tremendous goalscoring instinct?

No, "nuff said". I like to think Garth's thought-pattern on this went something along the lines of:

"Who's that chav who won those 2 awards? Ray Whooney? Oh, Rooney? Yeah, I'll put him in. But wait, I'll have to justify it.... Oh, I'll just put "Nuff said!" and pretend I'm down with the kids and I don't need to say anymore! Phew! Crooksie does it again!"

MANAGER - Harry Redknapp

Tony Pulis, Sam Allardyce and Alex McLeish all sit in the corner, silently weeping.

Harry Redknapp has finally taken Tottenham into the Champions League...Last summer, Spurs spent £40m as opposed to Man City's £200m in pursuit of the elusive 4th spot. Sadly for Fulham boss Roy Hodgson, those are the facts, otherwise he would have won my vote for the second consecutive season.

Hodgson should be nowhere near this award - we're talking about the Premier League, and Fulham finished 1 point nearer relegation than they did a European place! (That's true, look it up if you don't believe me) Harry Redknapp - great achievement, and he is certainly a candidate. I would have gone for Alex McLeish, although Birmingham's goal difference tells me that they won't ride so high next season.

Honourable Mentions

I must reserve praise for Newcastle manager Chris Hughton who, without an open chequebook, took the Geordies straight back to (continued on page 94)

May I also extend my congratulations to Bournemouth and their manager Eddie Howe

No you can't. This is a Premier League team of the season. Geddon witit.

Garth then goes on to list a few names of people who "just missed out". Let's sample them now:

Brad Fridel

Aaron Lennon

Michael Essien

Nani

James Milner

Steven Gerrard

Darren Bent

Fernando Torres

All pretty famous players, so I'm going to assume Garth names them just to appear wise and knowledgeable about the game - hey, that's surely the only reason Gerrard got in there. Can anyone honestly say Gerrard would get into their team of the year?! Neither Lennon nor Essien played 20+ league games this season, and Nani was ridiculously inconsistent again this season.

In summary, this is a dreadful team and a dreadful article. Better luck next time Garth!

Team:Hart, Evra, Dunne, Vermaelen, Ivanovic, Fletcher, Milner, Fabregas, Lampard, Rooney, Drogba.

On the bench: Sorensen, Dawson, Bale, Valencia, Malouda, Tevez, Bent.

Manager: Alex McLeish

Depression

Oh God, I'm so depressed. As I type this, Gordon Brown is en route to Labour Party HQ having resigned. We now have Cameron and Osbourne.

And we'll have them permanently very soon - the coalition between them and the Lib Dems won't last a year, there will be another election, and the Tories will win.

This blog has been politics heavy recently - too much so for my liking. So this will be the final post about politics for a long, long time (I hope). Alastair Campbell, a man I respect very much for being a fantastic wind-up merchant (ask that prick Adam Boulton) revealed that to keep his depression at bay he goes jogging and trains towards running marathons. I however like to walk.

After my exam tomorrow I'm going for a long walk. I may be gone some time...

Live-Blogging the 2010 General Election

21:14 Good evening. This, my friends, is it. Over the next 10 hours or so we'll be finding out who will be in charge of the United Kingdom for the next 4-5 years. Unless it all gets a bit complicated, and it's a hung Parliament, in which case we'll do all this shit again in about six months time.

I am, as always, Ewar Woowar, however tonight I am pleased to announce I have my friend Dan co live-blogging the drama with me throughout the night and some of the wee small hours. I say "some" as I have to be up at 8am to take a little brat to school. But I'll last as long as I can, comrades.

Tonight, to know who it is who has just blogged, we'll put our initial at the end of the entry - so when its me, I'll end with an E, for Dan's musings he'll end with a D. Much like our respective university grades. Let's now hear from him for the very first time tonight... (E)

21:30 Today as I stood in my old primary school about to cross a box with a small pencil I wondered what had got me to this position. Why was I voting when so many of my friends couldn't give a flying nun about politics? Why wasn't I out chatting up girls for the past two weeks instead of reading the Independent? And my mind wandered back to the time I put my hand up - the only one in a class of 30 - to join a politics club at school. Then it flitted to my time spent studying and miserably failing politics at college. And now I was here about to make possibly the most important decision in my young life.

And then a policeman walked in and asked me not to cause any trouble so I called him a c**t. (D)

21:32 Liz Hurley is a Tory. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. Not too sure if you can be fit and a Tory though. (D)

21:39 Before the big night kicks off on BBC1, I'm watching the darts on Sky Sports. The two walk-on girls....WOW! Mind you, one of them looks a bit like Samantha Cameron and is wearing a bright blue dress....subliminal messaging? The other one has MASSIVE knockers. (E)

21:43 So, who did you guys vote for? I voted for Mat Cobb FYI: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P-d0-y3KD4A (E)

21:51 This is the calm before the storm... (E)

21:55 OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD (E)

22:00 Britain's best known bloggers, eh ITV? Where was our invite, I ask you? In other news anyone for a game of backgammon on Alastair Stewart's tie? (D)

22:01 Dan and I have brokered a deal - I'm watching BBC, with Dimbleby, Brillopad, Paxman, Bruce, Vine, Maitlis, Robinson. Dan's drawn the short straw and is watching ITV, with Alastair Stewart, erm, erm, pass. (E)

22:03 BBC exit poll predicts a hung Parliament and Cameron falling short. If that is the case, Cameron has really fucking blown it, let's be honest. (E)

22:06 On my side I have Neil Kinnock, Paddy Ashdown and Eric Pickles. Those exit polls show the liberal's to have balked at the last minute. We'll wait and see for the actual figures. (D)

22:07 ITV is gimmick-tastic. And most of them are shit. (D)

22:15 "Passing the ballot boxes like in a barn fire." If we set the Tory winning seats' votes on fire we could... (D)

22:22 Eric Pickles has just realised what the figures mean. He has stopped slobbering at the mouth. He is now visibly sweating. Tories being interviewed are absolutely bricking their pants. As one tweet points out - Murdoch and the like will go 'apeshit.' (D)

22:27 Oh good - Piers Moron, Clive Anderson and Jane Moore. No, great, really. (E)

22:30 Oh, bloody hell -the man known only as "Arnie", mainly because I can't spell his surname, has tweeted this, no joke: "Just called @davidcameron to congratulate him on the victory. We know the Conservatives had a great day." Eeeek! (E)

22:33 Bruce Forsyth just embarrassed himself there. A shame, as apparently in "real life" he's a massive twat. (E)

22:34 First Fiona Bruce sighting! *sighs contentedly* (E)

22:36 ITV have literally just dumbed down politics to a whole new level. You know when you were a kid and you could buy those powerpodz footballers or whatever they were called? Yeah? Well ITV have done that. With politicians. (D)

22:40 If anyone looks knackered from this election it isn't Gordon Brown, Lucy Manning looks pretty rough. (I cannot guarantee that this will be the cruellest post of the night). (D)

22:42 This is very interesting - Harriet Harperson, our Dark Lord Mandelson and now Alan Johnson all rejecting FPTP in favour of electoral reform. Why? Or is that a desperate attempt at an olive-branch towards the Lib Dems to make them form a coalition with Labour? Intriguing. (E)

22:45 Paddy Ashdown just made a Freudian slip. He called the Tories pricks. And now Anne Widdecombe just to prove the point further. (D)

22:50 Harman goes to bang on about reform again and Alastair Stewart swiftly cuts her off. Hold onto your hats now, folks. (D)

22:53 Sunderland is the first result in, and a rather attractive young Labour female MP gets in. Played, love. 1 down... (E)

22:55 Coming up next Esther Rantzen live! Ah well, that's life. (D)

22:57 Looking at this seriously for a second Labour have a lot of young up and comers. I have been particularly impressed recently by Chuka Umunna. I hope he gets in. (D)

23:18 I like Jeremy Vine, but I do miss Peter Snow. In other news, shit all is happening. (E)

23:27 Wish this speaker bloke, Dave Smith from Sunderland, would stop building his part up. Just speak you eejit. Still, this winner isn't as fit as the last one. (D)

23:36 From Ben Goldacre's twitter BREAKING STORY: voters turned away at ranmoor polling station are refusing to let the ballot box out of the building. Police there. - If this is a Tory winning seat we could... (D)

23:54 George Osbourne looks pissed. He seems to like holding his head to the side under the weight of his own self importance. (D)

23:56 Not being funny, but polling stations were open from 7am-10pm. That's 15 HOURS. I have no sympathy for people who stroll up at 9:50pm and then complain about not being allowed to vote. If I have a deadline for an essay (like I did today) I have to respect it and get the essay in before the time. Stop your fucking moaning. End of rant. (E)

00:12 David Starkey, Simon Schama, Martin Amis. What a trifecta of cuntishness that is. (E)

00:14 JOAN COLLINS! (E)

00:17 Cameraman falls over in rush to get that all important shot of a photo. How about we all calm down, eh? (D)

00:21 Broon arrives in Kirkcaldy for the upcoming vote which he will definitely win! (E)

00:23 Alastair Stewart feels the need to make distinctions between the car on the right of the screen and Bill Neely on the left. Neely obviously has a face like the arse-end of a Fiat Cinquecento. (D)

00:25 Not a lot happening, although it turns out there are lots of problems going down in polling booths - not just people turning up late, but polling lists not being updated?! Not enough staff?! Insane stuff in 2010, that really is. I'll keep you informed. (E)

00:31 The Green Party and their leader Caroline Lucas projected to win Brighton Pavilion! What next in this election?! (E)

00:41 Oh good - a Sinn Fein hold. In other news, not much is happening. Except complaining in Manchester, but that's no fucking surprise. (E)

00:49 Desperation setting in - BBC pretending to care about Northern Ireland. Oh wait, it's Peter Robinson. And he's lost. Ha. (E)

00:52 Toby Young is a Tory. I would never, never have guessed that. Maureen Lipman, no idea what she's talking about. (D)

01:00 Starting to get a bit bored now! Come on counting people! (E)

01:03 Ah, not the result I wanted - a Conservative gain. Amusingly, in his speech their candidate just thanked u2. Okay, it was "you two" but at 1am let's not split hairs. (E)

01:09 What a fucking blouse that is. (D)

01:17 Justine Greening is a hideous woman who looks like a robot. However apparently she didn't shake hands with the BNP candidate, so fair play to her on that regard. (E)

01:27 Results coming through now, but mainly from Northern Ireland and Wales...up in Scotland, the count at Kirkcaldy, Broons seat, is due soon-ish. And now here's David Blunkett. (E)

01:30 Up in Fife, Sir Ming is back in. And now we move to Durham...wait, we dont, upto Kirkcaldy. There's a strange man with his arm in the air! (E)

01:33 And a man in a kilt! (E)

01:34 The cunt with his hand in the air represented the "Land is Power" party. What a twat. (E)

01:39 Labour have held Telford, that's a very good result for the Labour MP there. Well done David Wright MP. (E)

01:43 My constituency result has just come through - Conservative hold. Damn. (E)

01:44 I think Dan has fallen asleep, by the way. (E)

01:48 I'm alive! Some posts have been deleted :( (D)

01:55 Some good news -BNP current vote share just 1.6% and have now 9 lost deposits, saving only 4. (E)

01:59 Back to the boat with Brillopad, and Kirstie Allsop is so rat-arsed it's untrue, the fat Tory bint. (E)

02:02 Oh wow, that was excellent - a pissed up Kirstie and Chris Addison ranting at each other, Brillopad just walked away from them. Splendid stuff! (E)

02:03 Well done and many thanks to the person who's just found my blog after googling "conservatives are cunts". Good effort sir. (E)

02:10 Hiya. I'm just waiting for my seat now. Tara a bit. (D)

02:18 Right, I'm starting to get tired now as well. Not much news, except the Lib Dems are getting completely shafted, although to be fair my Dad predicted that over dinner tonight. He's a wise one, my old man. (E)

02:23 Unbelievable news - the Tories have gained Montgomeryshire, I honestly thought Lembit Opik had that one sewn up beyond any doubt. Wow.

And that's a pretty huge win for the Tories, so, fuck this. Live-blogging for 4 and a half hours, that's more than enough. Thanks for reading folks! Catch you all soon.

Ewar and Dan

This Is The One

This will probably be my last blog post before the 2010 General Election, so let's make it a biggie eh? A few days ago the campaign literature for all the parties standing in my constituency all arrived through the letterbox in a nice little bundle. I don't know whether this is a massive, massive coincidence or whether they have to post them all out at the same time on the same day. Whatever. The five parties standing here in my particular part of The Shire are: Labour, Liberal Democrat, Conservative, BNP, UKIP. With nothing better to do tonight, let's analyse these fuckers.

*I have just taken photos of all of them on my phone, to break this blog entry up a bit. Sat down at my desk to discover that I can't find the USB cable that connects my phone to my laptop ANYWHERE. So, apologies. I'd even graffitied the UKIP one and everything*

I shall be analysing them in alphabetical order, which means we jump into the deep (incredibly shallow, surely? Ed.) end straight away...

British National Party (BNP)

We start with the BNP, who have sent out a rather garish, double sided and slightly aggressive flyer. Let's take a look at the content.

"Bring Our Troops Home - The British National Party supports our soldiers. We'll bring them home and stop Labour's criminal waste of young lives."

Pretty much the first sentence in and already we're infected with stupid nonsense. Also, I particularly like the contradiction there - we support our troops, that's why we want them home with absolutely nothing to do!

"Put a Stop to Immigration - We are being swamped and being made foreigners in our own country. Together we can shut the floodgates for good."

Swamped, I verily tell you! I tried to walk down to my local shop yesterday, but I couldn't go because all the foreign immigrants were blocking my way :(

"Raise the Weekly Pension to £150 - The £18 billion Lab-Lib-Con give China and India to 'adapt' to non-existent Climate Change should go to our pensioners."

Climate Change = non-existent.

All of this is followed by my favourite phrase of all time:

"We're NOT Second Class Citizens!"

I've still no idea what that means.

"GET EVEN - Vote British National Party"

Nor that.

At the bottom there's a picture of Nick Griffin and Winston Churchill next to each other - two (un)lovable racist rogues. And on the back is more guff about our troops. Let's be honest though, laughing at the stupidity of the BNP is like taking candy from a baby, or like kicking a puppy - both things I've done numerous times, but ultimately nothing to write home about. Let's move swiftly on.

Conservatives (Tory)

First impressions - this is very well put together. It unfolds out like one of those city maps you buy when you go on holiday, has lots of stuff in it and is brightly coloured but in a nice way - light blue, a splash of green and white, compared to the garish purple and yellow of the aforementioned. Can't help thinking that this professional look has come straight from Lord Ashcroft's pocket, mind you.

On the front is my local MP, gurning like a good'un in his light blue tie. Once opened up, the flyer is pretty standard fare - picture of my MP standing outside the local hospital, and with troops. A picture of an elderly couple, another of children holding hands, etc. What I particularly like about the flyer however is that when it's outlining the Tory policies, they've mixed together national stuff with local issues. Admittedly, I'm impressed by little things, but I've seen far too many election literature down the years that has focused on one and not the other.

On the back is a little section dedicated to how to contact my local MP - via post, phone, e-mail or website. Complete with the same gurning photo. I may be influenced by the vulgar nonsense of the last flyer, but this is the best one of the lot, in my humble opinion.

Labour and Co-operative

This is the smallest flyer of the five, and is in the form of a page-turning booklet, which is pretty well done. When it comes to the colours - no mucking about, traditional red and white all the way. On the front we again have a shit-eating grin, and three pledges which sound awfully shallow and don't really say a lot:

"I will stand up for The Wrekin, listen to you and vote in Parliament for what is right."

"I will work hard in the local community, making myself available to all."

"I will campaign to save the Princess Royal Hospital by promoting public membership of the Foundation Trust."

See what I mean? Opening it up we have a splendid picture of the candidate out and about, meeting people etc. alongside a testimony by a local resident. This particular statement caught my eye however:

"I will strive for international security and peace, to combat climate change and make sure its costs do not fall on the poorest people."

No need mate - the BNP tells me it's non-existent, so there's no need to worry about that shit.

On the back, like the Conservative one is a section dedicated to contact details - again, I like that, and interesting to note that none of the other three bother with that bit. Also like the Tory one is the fact that this isn't bad - it's a bit "paint by numbers" but it works. Let's see if the Lib Dem one can step up to the plate...

Liberal Democrats

The Lib Dems in this area are represented by a lady called Ali Daw. Except she isn't. When she was first put forward I was sure she had a double-barrelled surname, and her website proves that her real name is Alyson Cameron-Daw. Why the change, Alyson? If you ever read this - get in touch, would love to find out your thinking there.

The front cover has a picture of Ali, and also Nick Clegg. This is particularly interesting in that it's only this flyer and the BNP one that features their respective leaders on their front covers - and the Labour one does not have a picture or a reference to Gordon Brown at all! On the front cover is this statement:

"Nick Clegg's tax plan means that you will pay no tax on the first £10,000 you earn - cutting most tax bills by £700."

Which sounds very splendid, until you ponder for a moment about the impact that will have at this time of economic rubbishness (sorry folks, there is a reason tax exists, and is necessary) and you'll realise that this idea is a bit mental. Much like the Lib Dems as a whole, mind.

We open up the leaflet to find another picture of Clegg, this time with the man, the myth, the legend, Vince Cable. The colour scheme is all over the place I'm afraid here - red, orange, white, three shades of green, blue....bit of a disaster all round. There's a big piece about Ali (once again conveniently ignoring her real name) about her background and so on - teacher, London Stock Exchange, Reuters, The FT...not a shabby CV by any means. Underneath that is a section dedicated to her pledges towards the constituents. We turn to the back page...and another picture of Clegg! A rather shameless attempt at riding on the back of Clegg's impressive TV debate showings, but fully understandable I suppose.

Right, 4 down, 1 to go. Come on, we can do this together people. We finish with....

UK Independence Party (UKIP)

VOTE UKIP the front cover screams at me in big white letters, which certainly stands out over the purple background (with yellow on the borders). Amusingly, that's pretty much all it says, apart from the hilariously bad "Straight talking. Vote UKIP" slogan at the bottom. Turn it over...and we have that same slogan again, this time at the top, and a profile of the UKIP candidate. This profile consists of, quite literally, 8 words.

What follows is a few lame sentences about local issues and...well...that's it. It's almost like they don't expect to win! Sorry I can't say more than that but...actually, I'm not sorry, they're bloody mad anyway.

So, what are my voting intentions at this moment in time, with only 3 (three!) days to go? Well, I'm discounting three parties pretty much straight away, leaving me with the Conservatives and Labour. My present MP is a Tory, and I've got to be honest he's done a perfectly capable job - he wasn't caught up in the expenses scandal, and he's worked hard on local issues that concern me such as the future of the local hospital, the future of RAF Cosford and others. Yet, I really don't want a Tory Government and have never voted for them. Which swings me to Labour - but why should I vote for the Labour candidate when the Tory one is doing a fine job here? I suppose that's the problem with our current electoral system, and I suppose that illustrates why with only 3 (three!) days to go I'm still undecided. May the best man win!

I'll leave you with some numbers from these flyers which I found interesting:

0 - The number of references to Gordon Brown in the Labour flyer.

5 - The number of references to Gordon Brown in the Conservative flyer.