Thursday, 6 May 2010

Live-Blogging the 2010 General Election

21:14 Good evening. This, my friends, is it. Over the next 10 hours or so we'll be finding out who will be in charge of the United Kingdom for the next 4-5 years. Unless it all gets a bit complicated, and it's a hung Parliament, in which case we'll do all this shit again in about six months time.

I am, as always, Ewar Woowar, however tonight I am pleased to announce I have my friend Dan co live-blogging the drama with me throughout the night and some of the wee small hours. I say "some" as I have to be up at 8am to take a little brat to school. But I'll last as long as I can, comrades.

Tonight, to know who it is who has just blogged, we'll put our initial at the end of the entry - so when its me, I'll end with an E, for Dan's musings he'll end with a D. Much like our respective university grades. Let's now hear from him for the very first time tonight... (E)

21:30 Today as I stood in my old primary school about to cross a box with a small pencil I wondered what had got me to this position. Why was I voting when so many of my friends couldn't give a flying nun about politics? Why wasn't I out chatting up girls for the past two weeks instead of reading the Independent? And my mind wandered back to the time I put my hand up - the only one in a class of 30 - to join a politics club at school. Then it flitted to my time spent studying and miserably failing politics at college. And now I was here about to make possibly the most important decision in my young life.

And then a policeman walked in and asked me not to cause any trouble so I called him a c**t. (D)

21:32 Liz Hurley is a Tory. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. Not too sure if you can be fit and a Tory though. (D)

21:39 Before the big night kicks off on BBC1, I'm watching the darts on Sky Sports. The two walk-on girls....WOW! Mind you, one of them looks a bit like Samantha Cameron and is wearing a bright blue dress....subliminal messaging? The other one has MASSIVE knockers. (E)

21:43 So, who did you guys vote for? I voted for Mat Cobb FYI: (E)

21:51 This is the calm before the storm... (E)


22:00 Britain's best known bloggers, eh ITV? Where was our invite, I ask you? In other news anyone for a game of backgammon on Alastair Stewart's tie? (D)

22:01 Dan and I have brokered a deal - I'm watching BBC, with Dimbleby, Brillopad, Paxman, Bruce, Vine, Maitlis, Robinson. Dan's drawn the short straw and is watching ITV, with Alastair Stewart, erm, erm, pass. (E)

22:03 BBC exit poll predicts a hung Parliament and Cameron falling short. If that is the case, Cameron has really fucking blown it, let's be honest. (E)

22:06 On my side I have Neil Kinnock, Paddy Ashdown and Eric Pickles. Those exit polls show the liberal's to have balked at the last minute. We'll wait and see for the actual figures. (D)

22:07 ITV is gimmick-tastic. And most of them are shit. (D)

22:15 "Passing the ballot boxes like in a barn fire." If we set the Tory winning seats' votes on fire we could... (D)

22:22 Eric Pickles has just realised what the figures mean. He has stopped slobbering at the mouth. He is now visibly sweating. Tories being interviewed are absolutely bricking their pants. As one tweet points out - Murdoch and the like will go 'apeshit.' (D)

22:27 Oh good - Piers Moron, Clive Anderson and Jane Moore. No, great, really. (E)

22:30 Oh, bloody hell -the man known only as "Arnie", mainly because I can't spell his surname, has tweeted this, no joke: "Just called @davidcameron to congratulate him on the victory. We know the Conservatives had a great day." Eeeek! (E)

22:33 Bruce Forsyth just embarrassed himself there. A shame, as apparently in "real life" he's a massive twat. (E)

22:34 First Fiona Bruce sighting! *sighs contentedly* (E)

22:36 ITV have literally just dumbed down politics to a whole new level. You know when you were a kid and you could buy those powerpodz footballers or whatever they were called? Yeah? Well ITV have done that. With politicians. (D)

22:40 If anyone looks knackered from this election it isn't Gordon Brown, Lucy Manning looks pretty rough. (I cannot guarantee that this will be the cruellest post of the night). (D)

22:42 This is very interesting - Harriet Harperson, our Dark Lord Mandelson and now Alan Johnson all rejecting FPTP in favour of electoral reform. Why? Or is that a desperate attempt at an olive-branch towards the Lib Dems to make them form a coalition with Labour? Intriguing. (E)

22:45 Paddy Ashdown just made a Freudian slip. He called the Tories pricks. And now Anne Widdecombe just to prove the point further. (D)

22:50 Harman goes to bang on about reform again and Alastair Stewart swiftly cuts her off. Hold onto your hats now, folks. (D)

22:53 Sunderland is the first result in, and a rather attractive young Labour female MP gets in. Played, love. 1 down... (E)

22:55 Coming up next Esther Rantzen live! Ah well, that's life. (D)

22:57 Looking at this seriously for a second Labour have a lot of young up and comers. I have been particularly impressed recently by Chuka Umunna. I hope he gets in. (D)

23:18 I like Jeremy Vine, but I do miss Peter Snow. In other news, shit all is happening. (E)

23:27 Wish this speaker bloke, Dave Smith from Sunderland, would stop building his part up. Just speak you eejit. Still, this winner isn't as fit as the last one. (D)

23:36 From Ben Goldacre's twitter BREAKING STORY: voters turned away at ranmoor polling station are refusing to let the ballot box out of the building. Police there. - If this is a Tory winning seat we could... (D)

23:54 George Osbourne looks pissed. He seems to like holding his head to the side under the weight of his own self importance. (D)

23:56 Not being funny, but polling stations were open from 7am-10pm. That's 15 HOURS. I have no sympathy for people who stroll up at 9:50pm and then complain about not being allowed to vote. If I have a deadline for an essay (like I did today) I have to respect it and get the essay in before the time. Stop your fucking moaning. End of rant. (E)

00:12 David Starkey, Simon Schama, Martin Amis. What a trifecta of cuntishness that is. (E)


00:17 Cameraman falls over in rush to get that all important shot of a photo. How about we all calm down, eh? (D)

00:21 Broon arrives in Kirkcaldy for the upcoming vote which he will definitely win! (E)

00:23 Alastair Stewart feels the need to make distinctions between the car on the right of the screen and Bill Neely on the left. Neely obviously has a face like the arse-end of a Fiat Cinquecento. (D)

00:25 Not a lot happening, although it turns out there are lots of problems going down in polling booths - not just people turning up late, but polling lists not being updated?! Not enough staff?! Insane stuff in 2010, that really is. I'll keep you informed. (E)

00:31 The Green Party and their leader Caroline Lucas projected to win Brighton Pavilion! What next in this election?! (E)

00:41 Oh good - a Sinn Fein hold. In other news, not much is happening. Except complaining in Manchester, but that's no fucking surprise. (E)

00:49 Desperation setting in - BBC pretending to care about Northern Ireland. Oh wait, it's Peter Robinson. And he's lost. Ha. (E)

00:52 Toby Young is a Tory. I would never, never have guessed that. Maureen Lipman, no idea what she's talking about. (D)

01:00 Starting to get a bit bored now! Come on counting people! (E)

01:03 Ah, not the result I wanted - a Conservative gain. Amusingly, in his speech their candidate just thanked u2. Okay, it was "you two" but at 1am let's not split hairs. (E)

01:09 What a fucking blouse that is. (D)

01:17 Justine Greening is a hideous woman who looks like a robot. However apparently she didn't shake hands with the BNP candidate, so fair play to her on that regard. (E)

01:27 Results coming through now, but mainly from Northern Ireland and Wales...up in Scotland, the count at Kirkcaldy, Broons seat, is due soon-ish. And now here's David Blunkett. (E)

01:30 Up in Fife, Sir Ming is back in. And now we move to Durham...wait, we dont, upto Kirkcaldy. There's a strange man with his arm in the air! (E)

01:33 And a man in a kilt! (E)

01:34 The cunt with his hand in the air represented the "Land is Power" party. What a twat. (E)

01:39 Labour have held Telford, that's a very good result for the Labour MP there. Well done David Wright MP. (E)

01:43 My constituency result has just come through - Conservative hold. Damn. (E)

01:44 I think Dan has fallen asleep, by the way. (E)

01:48 I'm alive! Some posts have been deleted :( (D)

01:55 Some good news -BNP current vote share just 1.6% and have now 9 lost deposits, saving only 4. (E)

01:59 Back to the boat with Brillopad, and Kirstie Allsop is so rat-arsed it's untrue, the fat Tory bint. (E)

02:02 Oh wow, that was excellent - a pissed up Kirstie and Chris Addison ranting at each other, Brillopad just walked away from them. Splendid stuff! (E)

02:03 Well done and many thanks to the person who's just found my blog after googling "conservatives are cunts". Good effort sir. (E)

02:10 Hiya. I'm just waiting for my seat now. Tara a bit. (D)

02:18 Right, I'm starting to get tired now as well. Not much news, except the Lib Dems are getting completely shafted, although to be fair my Dad predicted that over dinner tonight. He's a wise one, my old man. (E)

02:23 Unbelievable news - the Tories have gained Montgomeryshire, I honestly thought Lembit Opik had that one sewn up beyond any doubt. Wow.

And that's a pretty huge win for the Tories, so, fuck this. Live-blogging for 4 and a half hours, that's more than enough. Thanks for reading folks! Catch you all soon.

Ewar and Dan


  1. Re 21:32 - I am told by my girlfriend that Katherine Jenkins is a Tory :(

    Although she may just be saying that because I drool when KJ comes on the telly and she knows it would upset me.

  2. Now that was quality coverage, though you are a pair of lightweights. I had a couple of hours sleep between 5 and 7. I shall direct people to your commentary forthwith.

  3. Sire Cashmore of Girlchasingville8 May 2010 at 11:32

    That was brilliant.

    This was the alternative to the alternative Election Results Night on Channel 4. I'm proud of you two boyos.