Welcome Return

Let's not muck around here - it's good to have Alwyn Cox from Oswestry back writing letters into the Sloppy Star. Who could forget his bizarre pro-Tesco rant? Or his demand for people to give their name, address, bank details and account of how they lost their virginity before he would speak to them on the phone? I for one certainly dont! So let's now enjoy his latest rant, and my goodness it's a doozy.

I am an avid fan of the antiques programmes that are on TV most days, but one I will never watch again.

I can't understand why anyone watches antiques programmes, but there we go. Unless Tim Wonnacott is on them - legend, tbf.

I was watching Cracking Antiques on BBC2, when I was impelled to turn it off.

At some point reading this you'll probably wonder why Alwyn has penned this letter to The Sloppy Star, or indeed why he's decided to write a letter about this at all. Don't worry, you're not alone in that.

The presenter Kathryn Rayward was painting the front of a sideboard, and when she had finished she stated that she had just increased the sex appeal of the sideboard by 300%.

Erm.....right....

What did the fool mean?

THE FOOL! I PITY THE FOOL!

She probably meant that she had made it look nicer. Just a thought.

Why does she need to use a ridiculous phrase like that to describe a bog standard paint job on a bog standard sideboard from the sixties?

Complain. Seriously. Not to us - write to the BBC, get them to sack her. If they won't do that, they might sack that cunt Robert Peston instead, so it's well worth doing.

Does she not realise how silly she sounds?

Silly. Fool. Silly fool!

Well she has done it for me.

You secretly fancy her don't you? I like the idea that this letter is like boys at school, where they tease and pick on the girl they actually really fancy.

I will never watch another programme that I know she has had anything to do with.

Alwyn, you big flirt you!

(end of letter)

Alwyn: "Thanks for coming Jeff! Oooh, claret? You shouldn't have, really. 1992 Australian, looks splendid! Thanks very much - come on through, everyone else is here already."

(Alwyn leads Jeff into the living room, introduces him to all his other friends)

Alwyn: "My wife is making hot dogs for half time, we've got snacks over there and there's a fridge full of Heineken so just ask if you want one. Right, here we go then!"

Gary Lineker (on TV): "Good evening - it's that time again. A place in the World Cup Final beckons, but only if England can conquer their Argentinian foes, a team containing a certain Leo Messi and managed by an old friend...with the exclusive team news, let's cross pitchside and join our reporter, Kathryn Rayward!"

Alwyn: F*@%£$@*%$^&$!