Thursday, 13 May 2010

Garth Vader

Right, enough politics. ENOUGH! Let us instead turn our attention to football (sorry, ladies) and have a quick browse of the Premier League team of the season, as chosen by the exuberantly awful Garth Crooks.

Needless to say, it's bloody stupid:


Having taken enormous criticism during the early part of the season,

Last season.

Gomes has re-discovered the form that gave him legendary status in the Netherlands.

I've always been a fan of Gomes, even during his sticky spell when he first came over here. He was a very good goalkeeper for PSV Eindhoven, although "legendary status" is perhaps going a bit too far - he was hardly Johann Cruyff.

He's had a good season, but in my mind Joe Hart and Thomas Sorensen would have been a better choice here.


Both fine. Well done Garth.



Chelsea captain John Terry recently had a pop at his critics, who claimed that his off-field activities resulted in poor form. Really? What poor form?

Oh my god, or, as the kids would say, OMG! You clearly do not actually watch football, Garth. John Terry has had a pretty woeful season, encapsulated by his dire performance and red card against Spurs, which led many to (rightly) question his form. Ring any bells? No? Right.

I also enjoy what Terry did being labelled as "off-field activities". I love the BBC, but sometimes I wish they would just call a spade a spade. Or, in this case, a cunt a cunt.


Not even close. I'm starting to think that Garth is picking people that a) play for the big teams and b) are people that he has heard of.

Richard Dunne, Roger Johnson, Thomas Vermaelen, Michael Dawson, Ledley King, Gary Cahill, Carlos Cuellar, Brede Hangeland, Ryan Shawcross and maybe even Jody Craddock have all had better seasons.

Vidic is fab, and as a United fan I love him (until he fucks off abroad) but to say he deserves to be in a team of the year is a little silly.


I can't hate on this too much...although I think maybe Darren Fletcher and James Milner are a touch unlucky here.


Manchester City's investment in Tevez - thought to have cost £25.5m - has paid off handsomely!

Good work Garth, only about £15m under the real price there.

Welcome to Manchester!

You kill me, you really do.


His goals at Old Trafford and Anfield might have been tinged with controversy but he still had to put the ball in the back of the net.

Nothing controversial about either, Garth. He was at least a good yard offside for the first one and the second was giftwrapped for him by the L****pool captain (more on him later) who clearly wanted Chelsea to win the league. No controversy, just life.


The PFA and the Football Writers' Player of the Year. Nuff said!

Nothing about his improved heading? His freedom on the pitch since Ronaldo left? The fact he's now being played up front? His tremendous goalscoring instinct?

No, "nuff said". I like to think Garth's thought-pattern on this went something along the lines of:

"Who's that chav who won those 2 awards? Ray Whooney? Oh, Rooney? Yeah, I'll put him in. But wait, I'll have to justify it.... Oh, I'll just put "Nuff said!" and pretend I'm down with the kids and I don't need to say anymore! Phew! Crooksie does it again!"

MANAGER - Harry Redknapp

Tony Pulis, Sam Allardyce and Alex McLeish all sit in the corner, silently weeping.

Harry Redknapp has finally taken Tottenham into the Champions League...Last summer, Spurs spent £40m as opposed to Man City's £200m in pursuit of the elusive 4th spot. Sadly for Fulham boss Roy Hodgson, those are the facts, otherwise he would have won my vote for the second consecutive season.

Hodgson should be nowhere near this award - we're talking about the Premier League, and Fulham finished 1 point nearer relegation than they did a European place! (That's true, look it up if you don't believe me) Harry Redknapp - great achievement, and he is certainly a candidate. I would have gone for Alex McLeish, although Birmingham's goal difference tells me that they won't ride so high next season.

Honourable Mentions

I must reserve praise for Newcastle manager Chris Hughton who, without an open chequebook, took the Geordies straight back to (continued on page 94)

May I also extend my congratulations to Bournemouth and their manager Eddie Howe

No you can't. This is a Premier League team of the season. Geddon witit.

Garth then goes on to list a few names of people who "just missed out". Let's sample them now:

Brad Fridel
Aaron Lennon
Michael Essien
James Milner
Steven Gerrard
Darren Bent
Fernando Torres

All pretty famous players, so I'm going to assume Garth names them just to appear wise and knowledgeable about the game - hey, that's surely the only reason Gerrard got in there. Can anyone honestly say Gerrard would get into their team of the year?! Neither Lennon nor Essien played 20+ league games this season, and Nani was ridiculously inconsistent again this season.

In summary, this is a dreadful team and a dreadful article. Better luck next time Garth!

Team:Hart, Evra, Dunne, Vermaelen, Ivanovic, Fletcher, Milner, Fabregas, Lampard, Rooney, Drogba.
On the bench: Sorensen, Dawson, Bale, Valencia, Malouda, Tevez, Bent.
Manager: Alex McLeish


  1. Spot on. As to managers: Pulis has done very well, but Hodgson surely deserves the top spot and McLeish definitely deserves a lot of praise. Modest, talented and canny. I saw Hodgson giving interviews in German, Italian and Norwegian the other day.

  2. Hart; Evra, King, Vermaelen, Ivanovic; Malouda, Lampard, Fabregas, A Johnson; Rooney, Drogba for me, with Konchesky, Milner, Bellamy, Bale, Etherington and Friedel on the bench.

    As for manager, you are right about Hodgson - undoubtedly the greatest achievement but it wasn't Premiership based. I would plump for McCarthey for keeping Wolves up, a fact that has gone largely unpraised.