So. Farewell Then.

We are all, in our own ways, a fan of something. Yep, even you.

Whether it's a foodstuff, a sports team, or - in the case of Katie Hopkins - thinking up something "controversial" to shout online to get attention, there is something on this planet we enjoy and take an interest in.

I'm a fan of a lot of things. Manchester United. Curry. Bill Bryson. Sussex CCC. Boobs. Those little tubs my mum used to get me every Friday after primary school where you dunk the breadsticks into the chocolate dip.

I am (was?) also a fan of the Serbian (ex) tennis player Ana Ivanovic, who yesterday announced her retirement from the game at the age of 29. Man, that sentence felt weird to write.

Being a fan of an individual sportsperson is, frankly, asking for trouble. They can only let you down - a sentiment I know only too well having been a huge Lance Armstrong fan growing up. Nobody is perfect, and the world isn't made up of "good people and bad people", and that's a life lesson you have to learn as you mature.

When you hold someone up as an idol, however, that common sense approach to life goes out of the window when they fall from perfection. You feel...betrayed. Which is mad, I know, but true.

Being a fan of an individual you don't know, will never know, and will probably never even meet, doesn't make any sense. But yet we do it. I do it.

I first became a fan of Ana Ivanovic in....2009? 2010? No, must be earlier. Late 2008? I can't remember. Certainly after her 2008 triumph at Roland Garros, anyway. Since then, Lord knows how many of her matches I've watched, or, on one particular occasion, listened to on the Australian Open radio station because her match wasn't being televised.

I'm probably going to regret writing this forever, but the reason why I became a fan of hers was mainly because of how nice she is. As I mentioned earlier, this is a problematic attitude fraught with danger, but at least with Ana her crown is, as far as I can tell, thoroughly merited:

Ana Ivanovic will go down as one of the nicest human beings to ever play professional tennis. And that counts for a heck of a lot.

— Courtney Nguyen (@FortyDeuceTwits) December 28, 2016

@FortyDeuceTwits Completely agreed. Always so gracious to #USOpen staff, media and her fans. We will miss her!

— US Open Tennis (@usopen) December 28, 2016

Ana Ivanovic, like Petra Kvitova, seems universally liked in the locker room. Another one of whom I've not heard a bad word uttered.

— DavidLaw (@DavidLawTennis) December 28, 2016

What a babe. Gorgeous inside and (obv) out 😉 tennis will definitely miss you #AnaIvanovic pic.twitter.com/L86hX1InjG

— Heather Watson (@HeatherWatson92) December 29, 2016

That smile, that grace, that forehand, that class....@AnaIvanovic ... Tennis will miss you... BUT, what a rich life you have ahead of you!!!

— Chris Evert (@ChrissieEvert) December 28, 2016

As Heather Watson alluded to, it also helped that Ana is staggeringly, bewilderingly, impossibly gorgeous - the kind of woman you'd want to lie down next to and just look at for hours. The nicest person imaginable and one you'd marry in a heartbeat? Yeah, that will do for me - and let's not forget her work for UNICEF either.

But now she's gone - retired, I should point out, not deceased. Let's not be melodramatic. But one minute she was there, the next...she wasn't.

Her retirement still hasn't sunk in, and I doubt it truly will until the draw for the Australian Open comes out early next year and I excitedly search for her name only to find it isn't there.

No more plotting her way to the final, working out who she'd likely play round by round. No more of that blistering forehand. No more of that laughably terrible ball toss. No more taking the train to Birmingham just to see her play in the Wimbledon warm up tournament. No more "ajde" after winning a point.

I was fortunate enough to meet her in 2011 and it remains one of the most memorable days of my life. We had a bit of banter about her not being able to spell my name (picture below, she went with Patrik initially until I had to correct her) and she was every bit as lovely as I had hoped.

So thanks for everything, Ana. I'll miss you.

From Russia with Love

Huge thanks to Twitter pal Curtis (@Curtos07) for this doozy. It is strangely comforting to see that bad, thoughtless, terrible journalism isn't limited to the United Kingdom. Shame on you, Paul Sullivan! You have shamed your fine country of Canada with this one:

 http://metronews.ca/voices/just-saying/261050/beauty-is-whats-behind-your-next-raise/

Let's analyse this baby in full FJM (firejoemorgan.com) style!

================================================================

When Maria Sharapova won the French Open on Saturday, it was another victory for the Beautiful People.

Loved their second album. Their third - and final - album "Mongoose Overdrive" left a lot to be desired however. No real surprise they split up after that one.

Sharapova, all six-foot-two of her, is gorgeous.

She is. Oooh, I'd really like to kiss her!

But then, so are a lot of tennis players these days. 

Right!

Somewhere along the line, right at Anna Kournikova, perhaps, it became important for female tennis players to be beautiful as well as talented.

This is a load of bollocks, quite frankly, and it serves as a warning as to all the nonsense that's still to come in this one. First off, there's been loads of beautiful tennis players gracing the courts down the years - a few that spring to mind were around before Anna Kournikova swung a racquet around in anger. The Kournikova reference is just lazy. But that isn't really the point, here.

"Important to be beautiful as well as talented"?

Eh...not really. I mean, yes, beautiful tennis players will rake in more $ when it comes to modelling etc - let's not be naive on that one - but to pretend that a professional sportsperson should place as much importance in their appearance as they should harvesting and using their talent is just a bit pathetic, quite frankly. I bet Petra Kvitova really regrets not doing as many photoshoots as Maria Sharapova does when she wakes up every morning and sees the Wimbledon trophy on her mantelpiece.

Partial list: Daniela Hantuchova, Sabine Lisicki, Vera Zvonareva, Lucie Safarova, Maria Kirilenko, Simona Halep, Tatiana Golovin, as well as the aforementioned Kournikova and Sharapova.

This is one of the most blatant and shameless "Shit, I need to fill my word count for this piece" tactic I've ever seen. Simply listing women you fancy. Good work sir, good work.

Kate Upton. Kelly Brook. Jessica Alba. Scarlet Johansson. Zooey Deschanel.

Wow this is a fun game!

Apparently, it doesn’t hurt if you’re eastern European either.

Bit racist, no?

One honest BBC producer has admitted that “babes and Brits” get the centre-court treatment at Wimbledon while less attractive players have to grunt it out on the outer courts.

I don't understand this paragraph, at all. Whether you take "centre court treatment" in a literal way or not, it still doesn't make any sense. Literally - well, a BBC employee would have no say whatsoever on which court a player plays on. The "Brit" bit isn't true, because Andy Murray plays on centre court not because he's British but because he's normally seeded somewhere between #2 - #5 in the competition. Don't think we'll be seeing Elena Baltacha on there anytime soon. As for the "babes" bit - Ana Ivanovic regularly wins the "sexiest tennis player" award and the last time I recall her playing on Centre Court was back in 2009 when she played Venus Williams. That might not be right, as my memory isn't the greatest, but I sure can recall her playing a lot of matches on the small, outside courts these past few years.

Non-literal way? Well, that then doesn't fit with "have to grunt it out on the outer courts" and it's still wrong. The Williams sisters have got an awful lot of attention the past decade or so, yet I don't see them in FHM's Top 100 List. Anyway, let's move on, I'm boring myself.

But that’s the way of the world. If you’re gorgeous, you’re golden.

Daniel Hamermesh, a professor at the University of Texas in Austin and author of Beauty Pays, estimates that, in a lifetime, a bad-looking person can earn $230,000 less than a good-looking person, all other things being equal.

I'd really love to see the science behind that claim.

The truth about looking good is out there.

In the job market: Attractive people get more job recommendations, are considered more qualified, more likely to succeed, more likely to be hired, paid more, promoted more and less likely to be fired.

In the courts: Juries think physically attractive people are less likely to be guilty. Attractive people get lower bail, lighter sentences and smaller fines. Except maybe not Luka Magnotta. But imagine how much trouble he’d be in if he was really ugly?

In school: Attractive people get better grades.

On Facebook: Attractive people are more “friended” than ugly people.

Sex: Attractive people get more dates, have more sex and even have more orgasms.

The really tragic thing about this article is that it could have been written with an interesting and thought-provoking take on this matter. Attractive people do better in life blah blah - why? What does that say about society? Does society need to change, to stop being so vain? Sadly we know Paul Sullivan isn't going to do this, seeing as he spent a good paragraph telling us which tennis players he'd like to have sex with.

OK, too much information, perhaps. Good thing I’m attractive.

Hoho. By the way - remember this piece being about Maria Sharapova winning the French Open? No, me neither.

Did I mention that generally, men tend to overestimate their good looks? Women go the opposite way. More than eight out of 10 hate the way they look in a mirror. 

Can't help thinking that you should either use "eight out of ten" OR "8 out of 10" rather than mashing the two.

One study showed women see themselves as fatter after eating a single chocolate bar. It would have to be a 35,000-calorie chocolate bar for that to be true.

Hamermesh (whose wife thinks he looks average) finds that 70 per cent of people agree on what’s attractive most of the time. It has to do with symmetry. The more symmetrical you look, the more attractive you are. Jug ears are out.

Well, if we combine that with all the guff you've provided us with above, that means Gary Lineker will never, ever be successful in his media career, right?

So that “beauty is in the eye of the beholder” stuff is fine … just as long as you’re beautiful.

Have a nice day, and if possible, stay away from mirrors. They’re bad luck, in more ways than one.

I am going to have a nice day because I've just decided that I'm never going to read your writing ever again.

True to my Word

Regular readers will know that one thing I dislike is bad sports journalism. They might also remember this blog post: http://theriseandriseoftimlovejoy.blogspot.com/2009/08/if-theres-one-thing-i-hate.html

If you can't be bothered to click on that - a quick summary. I was bored and fed up with tennis reporters/interviewers who kept on asking Ana Ivanovic a question along the lines of "How does it feel to be fit?" and I presented two examples. I also said this:

I'm going to make a vow, right here - if I ever see/hear/read a journalist asking Ana Ivanovic a question like that again, I'm going to find an address for them or their employer and write a letter of complaint. It is pathetic journalism, and if it makes me annoyed, God only knows what she must think.

The two people in question in that blog post were Marcus Tennis (he with the awesome surname) and Elie Seckback. Well guess what kids? Seckback just can't help himself...

I'll be fair, the rest of the video isn't too awful. But it's the first 40 seconds we're looking at here people. Because even though he dresses the question up a bit, and focuses on the "fashion" element that does exist in the female tennis world, I still wasn't too impressed, and I still think that a decent interviewer would perhaps ask pertinent questions about her tennis game, or at least tackle a subject that hasn't been widely acknowledged before.

SO....I e-mailed him. To be honest, I didn't complain, I just pointed out my feelings in a nice and professional manner. And I'm pleased to say Elie Seckback replied promptly:

hello patrick

thanks for the e-mail

last month i got over 2 millon hits 87% of them males 18-35

so sometimes some questions make it

interviews are for the most part longer that what you end up seeing

but i'll keep what you said in mind --

thanks again

elie

Well done Elie, and if my e-mail makes sure that you ask proper questions to female athletes, my life will be 0.00001% better off.

Now, another vow. If I see/read/hear anything else about The Beatles this week, I'm going to poke Richard Starkey in the eye.

Where'd you go?

I stayed up till 3am last night/this morning, watching Ana Ivanovic painfully slump to a 1st round defeat in the US Open against unseeded Katernya Bondarenko. This morning, I'm left wondering just what on earth has happened to my dear old Ana. First up, I'll give you a quick biography, because her story, particularly in the early days, is quite interesting.

Ana is now classified as Serbian, but back in her youth Belgrade, her place of birth, was part of Yugoslavia. Inspired by the great Yugoslav player Monica Seles (y'know, the one that was stabbed), Ana memorised the phone number of a local tennis centre, and a star was born. It wasn't easy however - growing up, Belgrade was being bombed constantly, forcing her to train in the mornings only. In the cold winters, there were no facilities, so Ana used to train in an abandoned swimming pool. So, in a way it's a miracle that she got where she has.

She rose up and up the rankings, winning tournaments, battling top 5 players, getting to latter stages of Grand Slam events and making a name for herself, before last year, at the age of 20, she won the French Open and clinched the Number 1 ranking in the world. Great player, nice person, attractive - she was tipped to be the new tennis superstar.

Since then....freefall.

• Wimbledon 08, 3rd round.
• US Open 08, 2nd round.
• Australian Open 09, 3rd round.
• French Open 09, 4th round.
• Wimbledon 09, 4th round.
• US Open 09, 1st round.

It's been her worst year since she turned pro. She hasn't defeated a Top 10 player this year. She's only won back-to-back matches on six different occasions in the whole year. Just what the fuck has happened?

I don't think she has been "found out", necessarily. She's too talented for that. I don't think she's lost her drive or her motivation - she's only won 1 Grand Slam title after all, not 10. Injuries have been a problem, and I wonder about her knee, which was strapped up for a long, long time. My feelings are that she's become a bit confused in where she's going - and becoming World Number 1 at such a young age and after such a rapid rise perhaps hindered her long-term career rather than helped it. Coaches have come and gone, as have fitness instructors. This excellent article sums it all up better than I could. For once, an article about Ana that doesn't just go down the "ZOMG shes so fit" route, once you get past the title.

Whatever the problem, let's hope Ana gets it sorted. There's no Grand Slams left for her this year now, until the Australian Open she's pretty much done. Let's see what a rest does for her.

If there's one thing I hate...

...it's terrible sports journalism. I'm not the most self-confident person in the world, but I am absolutely 100% sure I could do better than these two losers. Up first, we have Elie Seckbach!

First question is to Dinara Safina, the female world number 1 (she shouldn't be, and she's more masculine than me, but whatever). As you can see for yourself, the question is "How does it feel to be world number one?"

Apologies Seckbach, but I can think of about 3 better questions off the top of my head regarding her Number 1 status. If you ask her "How does it feel..." she can only answer two ways.

A) "Yeah, it's great" or B) "I fricking hate it!" Now, Answer B would be amusing, but it ain't going to happen is it? I think we're pretty confident that the player will just trot out an answer loosely based on A. It tells us nothing, it bores the player, it's a total waste of time.

• "Do you feel more pressure now you are World Number 1?"
• "Have you altered your game in any way now that you are World Number 1?"
• "Does the media treat you any differently now that you are World Number 1?" are 3 questions that I've just thought up which would be more interesting than your effort.

Let's fast forward to 0:53, where Seckbach, the bastard, gets to meet Ana. You've got a second chance, Seckbach. Now make sure you ask her something interesting. In fact, just ask her anything apart from the old "How does it feel to be fit?"

"You're known for your tennis, but also for your looks. Everywhere you go online...how's that for you, you enjoying it?"

For the love of shitting Christ. I'm not joking, this makes me want to stab my eyes out. I'm going to make a vow, right here - if I ever see/hear/read a journalist asking Ana Ivanovic a question like that again, I'm going to find an address for them or their employer and write a letter of complaint. It is pathetic journalism, and if it makes me annoyed, God only knows what she must think. Notice how she treats the question almost exactly the same way she did the last time someone asked her that.

Let's leave that prat, and move on swiftly to another. Come on down, Marcus Tennis! You and your fab surname!

This guy is a fucking psycho. Don't believe me? Pause that video at 2:08. Christ almighty, that's either a Colgate advert or a deleted scene from The Hills Have Eyes. Anyway, let us fast-forward to 3:31, as here we have another joker meeting Ana. Your question, Marcus Tennis?

"Ana, y'know, I wanted to ask you...what do you think is more important, if you had to choose between...the two things that are most important...your shoes, or your racquet?"

When John McEnroe was playing, he famously described an umpire as "the pits of the world". Sorry John, but I think you'll find Marcus Tennis is the pits of the world. What kind of fucking question is that? Asked whilst staring at someone 20 feet away?

Right, that does it. I'm now more determined than ever to become a sports journalist. And when I interview Ana, she will fall in love with me based on my engaging and absorbing questions. We will then marry, and one day I'll get the e-mail addresses of these two pillocks, and I'll e-mail them both just a picture of me and Ana sticking our middle fingers up at them. It's only fair.

(Many thanks to http://anaivanovictennis-courtside.blogspot.com/ for alerting me to these prats.)

The dark side of politics

I got a shock last night when I perused the stat-porn, and found that someone had visited my blog with the referring URL being a twitter site. I clicked on the link, and got directed to a twitter feed dedicated to the BNP. I don't know how they do it, but clearly once I had published a blog entry with BNP and Nick Griffin referenced, they picked up on it, and posted the link to this blog on their twitter feed, the bastards.

I've now once again referenced the BNP and Griffin, so let's see what happens now. If there are any of you reading this now, I welcome all comments, no matter how misguided they are. If you're not prepared to leave a comment, then be a good little racist and move along quickly please. There's nothing for you here, my blog is for sane, multi-cultural and decent people. If you try and follow me I will block you.

Finally, you see the woman at the top there? She's the girl I would marry, if I could. Pretty, isn't she? Shame she's Serbian, eh? Would you frown on that, English blood mixing with an Eastern European? Never mind, here's some wholesome British girls for you instead: http://www.viceland.com/wp/2009/07/babes-of-the-bnp/

Female of the Species

I'm about to go into Wellington, to buy a few things from WH Smiths. No doubt I'll come back with those items, and swine flu, but it's worth the risk. Just before I do pop out though, some thoughts on female jealously.

What is that all about?! Seriously. I thought it was just my mother, but I see more and more evidence of it the older I get. Is it because women are somehow threatened by attractive women? That may be the case with women that are around their husbands/partners, but is there any need for it when it comes to celebrities? Maybe it's caused by women's magazines (the literature of hell, btw) which intimidate and brainwash women into looking as slim as possible. I just think it's pathetic - know any blokes who hate George Clooney, or Brad Pitt, or Johnny Depp because they're good-looking? It's clearly a female thing only, but it doesn't make much sense to me. But then again, neither do women in general.

I'm prompted to blog about this after reading a blog that rounded up some thoughts from media people about a Serbian tennis player. Let's look at the evidence:

Jon from SI.com - "Nice to see Ana Ivanovic get back to winning. Nothing earth-shattering but a 2nd week in a Slam is a step forward."

Matt from tennisreporters.net - "Ivanovic appears more determined to start putting up huge results again..."

Stephanie from The Gazette - "But she's in trouble...It's totally mental...Ivanovic has already dumped her new coach...The Serb is panicking...And her body, not a very athletic one...

Full excerpts are in that link. Sheee-esh, Stephanie from The Gazette! Jealous much? So, just to clarify, a professional tennis player (who was World No.1) and was recently voted the 11th sexiest woman in the world, does not have an athletic body. Right.

Ladies, some women are attractive. Deal with it. And now I'm off to town, braving the germs! (And that's just the people in the market)

Gallimaufry, bitches!

I find blogging interesting, in the sense that sometimes I have literally nothing to write about. During those moments, I'll go a day or two without posting anything, or I might just put some rubbish about Ana Ivanovic. Other times, I have loads of stuff I want to write about, and I feel I'm in one of those phases at the moment. So be primed for a few blog posts over the next few days.

It's a beautiful day today, but I've just put down Wisden Cricketer magazine and popped back indoors to catch up on some comments that people have left me recently. I read all of them, of course, but rarely comment on them myself. So, let's see what we have here:

Many thanks to Rich for his excellent comment about the state of British tennis. Just to pick one passage from it:

'In my mind, what's needed is sustained investment in tennis coaching and academies, much like money is being put into grassroots football.'

Absolutely agreed, but I wonder whether it will ever happen. Football will always be the dominant sport in Britian, with cricket and rugby behind it. It feels weird saying this right now, as Wimbledon reaches it's climax, but tennis is bordering on being a minority sport over here. As long as that is the case, would it get the sustained investment?

Interest comment by The Plashing Vole about classical musicians dying young. It's not an area I know anything about - my interest in that subject was swiftly ended by our music teacher forcing us to watch the film Amadeus, the 3rd worst movie of all time. Still, Mozart was mental, and he died young as well didn't he? So it's an interesting pattern.

Many thanks to all who offered suggestions on sleeping in this hot weather. To Demented Demon - not sure I would want caffeine before attempting to sleep. To Voley - I tend to go to bed about 2am, think my parents might get a bit freaked out if I took a cold shower at about 1am. But you are so right about Diane Keaton - she worked so well with Allen. And she was gorgeous, which always helps. To Cynical Ben - not boring at all, very interesting actually. I let my mind wander and I slept very well last night, so who knows. Thanks to all.

Finally, in this mixed bag of a post, a quick stat-porn note. Someone from Macedonia visited the other day. Now, I only know two people from Macedonia. One of them died about 2000 years ago, and the other is Artim Sakiri. You might remember Sakiri after he scored this goal, but he also played for West Brom for a brief spell. Even though Macedonia has a population of over 2m, I'm just going to presume it's him who visited. Flawless logic, I think you'll agree.

Artim, I hate to disappoint you but Ana Ivanovic has not done a 'porno' yet, but it can only be a matter of time before Adam Scott corrupts her. The way her tennis career is going, a move into that industry might be imminent. So, keep your eye on Google, buddy.

Back outside now to finish my magazine. Did you know Adam Gilchrist once hit a century against England in only 57 balls? Insane!

Here comes the money!

Dolla Dolla

Dolla Dolla

Ching Ching

Bling Bling

Cut the Chatter

You ain't talking money

Then your talking don't matter

Ching Ching

Bling Bling

Pattin' Pockets

You make a dolla dolla

Can't a damn so stop it(?)

Uhhh

Well, quite. My interest in Wimbledon has now ended, as my favourite player hurt her leg and then burst into tears, which is scarily like my sporting career to date. So, it's back to the real world, and whilst browsing I found this story about 20p coins. I've had a browse through my wallet, and whilst I had one shiny 20p coin with the new design on one side, sadly when turned around it revealed the date 2008. I'll have to make my fortune in other ways - namely that idea I had of putting wipers on the front of F1 drivers helmets for when it's raining. It's foolproof that one, I tell you. Anyway, before savvy cashiers and bank clerks snap up all these coins, might be worth having a rummage around your loose change. And if you do have one, I want a share of the profit, okay?

The highs and lows of SW19

A real mixed day down at Wimbledon. First, a high. Ana Ivanovic survived two match points to progress through to Round 2. And no, I don't run that blog, but it is awfully useful for an obsessive like me. I watched the game thanks to the BBC website, and Ana was utter shite. She won't be around much longer. At Wimbledon, I mean. I'm not planning to kill her.

Next, a low. I don't like using this word (actually, I do, I love it) but some cunt from the Mirror thought he'd try and provoke a reaction from defeated Brit Anne Keothavong. He got it, sadly, and he got his story. I have to wonder who organises these press conferences - if I was in charge, I would have interjected immediately, and told him to ask something else, or leave. Every professional wants to win - none of them lose deliberately, and to heap that much pressure on a young girl's shoulders straight after a defeat is unacceptable, in my opinion. She's done well this year, and she just had a bad game. By going out there and giving her all, the only person she would let down is herself. I hope the guy is satisfied.

Another low is that 6 British players got knocked out today. Don't blame them, blame the grass roots of the game on these shores. And remember that Tim Henman had his own tennis court, and parents rich enough to fund private coaching for him, Greg Rusedski is Canadian, and Andy Murray has grown up in Spain. I don't have time here to analyse what the tennis bods need to do to change things, but change is needed, no matter how many tournaments Murray wins.

Finally, I have to finish on another low. I'm calling you out Celina Hinchcliffe. Not just you, though, every journalist who has ever done this. Watch this video between 0:37 - 1:00. Make sure you notice Ana's eyes glaze over, her smile get a little forced, and her standard reponse to this question. Yes, she has a standard response to this question, because she's heard it 6.7m times before from journalists. Yes, she's gorgeous, and she has male attention. I know that. You know that. She knows that. We all fricking know it. So do you think you could stop asking her about it now?

As she has pointed out to every journalist a million times before, she think it's nice, "every girl likes a compliment", but she wants people to notice her for her achievements on a tennis court. God knows why, she's shit at the moment, but that's what she wants. If there's any sports journalists reading - if you get to interview Ana, please ask her what her favourite biscuit is. Or whether she likes the film Casablanca or not. Anything, apart from "How does it feel to be fit?"

The Championships, Wimbledon

Before a ball is struck in anger, thought I'd better get my Wimbledon predictions in quick, so that after the tournament you can point and laugh.

Who I think will win: Murray and S Williams

Who I want to win: Federerererererererererer and my dear Ana

If you feel brave enough, leave your own predictions as a comment below - then we can all just laugh at each other!

WTF?!

I was just about to compliment The Daily Nazi for a half-decent article/interview about some woman who plays tennis, but then my eye was caught by the picture at the top of the page.

Seriously, fuck the heck? What the shit is that? I'm not an expert on women's clothing (despite the rumours) but that is, without doubt, the worst dress I have ever had the misfortune to have seen. The fact that the person wearing it is Ana.....eurgh. My god. What an absolute abortion that dress is. I'm off to rinse my eyes out with bleach, before watching the NBA. Let's go Lakers!

Democracy Gone Mad

I've spent the afternoon designing 3 pictures on a free program called GIMP. Yes, that says GIMP. As I mentioned in the previous post, I am hoping to get a picture at the top of my blog, and the 3 pics I've knocked up are my 3 candidates. So, who's going to choose the winner? Me? Merciless Public? Lizo Mzimba? 

Actually, it's you. If you look to the right of this, you should find a poll, giving you the choice of voting for either Picture 1, Picture 2, or, funnily enough, Picture 3. Underneath this text, you should find the 3 pics, in order, and I'll see if I can put them underneath the poll itself for future reference. As stated above, the winning pic gets the honour of being the picture that adorns my blog, so choose wisely, dear readers - this will be the first thing new visitors will see. I think the poll lasts for 7 days, so if you need time to think about your choice, you're maybe thinking a bit too much about it. Here we go:

Pics will always be in this order - 1) Ana 2) Lovejoy 3) Ronnie. To make it even more democratic, I shall not vote - I'm leaving it upto you folks. The more votes, the more the people are represented. Now go and vote for Picture 1, for God's sake.

EDIT: It turns out I can't just have 3 options, I have to have 4, hence the "None of them" option. If that wins, I'll have a picture of a chicken, or something. Mmm, chicken.

FHM Top 10 2009

To all my female readers - apologies for this post. You'd be better off scrolling down a bit and watching the video excerpt from Mad Men, it's awfully awfully!

I've only ever bought FHM once in my life, and that was when they had a big feature on Ana Ivanovic (which wasn't that good, anyway). I have read it a few times over the years though, and I can't help thinking that it gets more cretinous by the day. These feelings have been confirmed this morning, when their Top 100 sexiest women list was unveiled. Want to have a look at the Top 10?

1) Cheryl Cole - Not even the best one in Girls Aloud for chrissakes.

2) Megan Fox - Most overrated woman ever? Yes.

3) Jessica Alba - Fair enough, but out of these 10 she should be 1.

4) Britney Spears - What?!

5) Keeley Hazell - Nah.

6) Adriana Lima - Not my favourite, but she's an okay shout.

7) Elisha Cuthbert - Yes, yes, and yes. Should be higher.

8) Kristin Kreuk - Hmm, go on then.

9) Anna Friel - Wow. Have I gone back to 1997?

10) Freida Pinto - Pretty girl, but good enough to be on this list?

What an absolute clusterfuck this list is. I can only conclude that FHM voters = morons. 

By the way, voters: Scarlett Johansson, Penelope Cruz, Kelly Brook, Kristen Bell, Angelina Jolie, Halle Berry, Charlize Theron, Melissa Theuriau, Ana Ivanovic, Anna Kournikova, Monica Bellucci, Keira Knightley, Kimberley Walsh, Natalie Portman, Mila Kunis, Maggie Gyllenhaal,  Allison Stokke, Kate Winslet, Helena Christensen, Kylie Minogue, Alyson Hannigan, Holly Valance, Rachel Stevens, Alessandra Ambrosio, Laura Esposto, Kaley Cuoco, Anne Hathaway, Beyonce, Shakira, Christina Hendricks, Nicole Sherzinger, Kate Beckinsale, Rihanna, Isla Fisher, Kirsty Gallacher, Zooey Deschanel, Cameron Diaz, Alysso Milano, Eliza Dushku, Heidi Klum, Alina Vacariu, Jennifer Connelly, Katie Holmes, Kirsten Dunst, Rachel Blanchard, Myleene Klass and Noemie Lenoir all say hello.

EDIT - It turns out Ana Woowar nee Ivanovic was 11th. Not good enough. And Mila Kunis wasn't even in the top 100! I give up.

Running down the wing, hear United sing...

I'm actually supposed to be doing something vaguely constructive at the moment, but I'm currently listening to "99 Luftballons" (your fault, Merciless Public) and am now going to blog about Cristiano Ronaldo. Such is life.

Earlier on I was perusing one of my favourite websites: http://www.stretfordend.co.uk/ which combines United with statistics. Add Ana Ivanovic, and that is literally what heaven is going to be like! Today I was looking at goalscorers, and it shocked me when my eye was caught by everyone's favourite greasy Portuguese c*nt.

In terms of "All Competitive Matches" he's already 17th on the list, ahead of luminaries such as Bryan Robson, Lou Macari, Frank Stapleton, Sammy McIlroy, Steve Coppell etc.
In terms of "All Premier League Matches" he's 6th on the list, ahead of legends such as King Eric, David Beckham, Wayne Rooney, Dwight Yorke, Teddy Sheringham, Mark Hughes.
Blimey, he's only 10 goals behind Ole Gunnar.

So, why do I not feel Ronnie is a United legend? He is a "Manchester United player" in terms of quality, he's fired us to trophies single-handedly, he's one of the best players in the world, and effing hell, he's only 24. But, with every story that comes out about Real Madrid, and everytime I see him lose the ball and throw a tantrum, I love him less and less.

At this moment in time, Cristiano has a choice. He can stay at United, fight for the shirt, sort his attitude out, and become a true legend. Or, he can fuck off to Madrid, a side living on past glories and woefully overshadowed by the Barca express.

Do the right thing, Ronnie, for god's sake man. Your too good to ruin the rest of your career just because Madrid is sunny.

Now, altogether now: "99 Luftballons, Auf ihrem Weg zum Horizont!"

Something for the Weekend

The stat-porn tells me I get much fewer visitors on the weekend than I do during the week, so most of you reading this will be currently experiencing Monday, probably. Eurgh, don't you just hate Mondays? Anyway, for me it's Friday night/Saturday morning, so time to blog.

First of all, I am sticking to my promise that anyone who a) follows me, and b) has a blog, will get some free publicity, courtesy of moi. So, without any further ado:

http://mitchthepunk.blogspot.com/

This is Sir Mitchell of Cashmore's blog, and I believe it's mainly based on a university module he's doing. Anyway, good guy, good blog, check-check-check it out!

Not much else to say for now, really. No Premier League predictions to do, as it's crappy international football this weekend. Eurgh, the cricket is completely off-topic, just cringeworthy.

So, two things. One, I'll be ignoring the football this weekend and tackling a book about the New York Yankees. I hope the weather is marvellous and agreeable for reading (wow, how posh was that sentence?!)

Finally, I was discussing with a fellow blogger how to increase the number of visitors to our humble blogs. We concluded that apart from advertising as much as possible, the only thing to do would be post a picture of a lady and hope that someone looks for that lady on google images and stumbles onto the blog. I don't know about you, but I think that is a disgusting idea. It just seems a bit shameless, and obvious. I can assure you, my dear readers, I won't resort to such disgraceful tactics.

Oh, Cock!

I was trying to think what James May would say in this situation, and "Oh, Cock!" is the best thing I could come up with.

So, last night I had everything planned out, as I like to try and do with my life. I would watch 'Question Time', followed swiftly by 'This Week in Politics'. I would then check the stat-porn for this waste of space/blog (hello to new readers in Atherton, Croydon and Sheffield, btw) then I could have a monumental sleep. Hell, I didn't need to be up early, my lecture wasn't until 2pm. Lecture 2-4, than I could avoid the train from hell by doing a bit of Mothering Sunday shopping in Wolvo, before catching the Aber. train at about 4:45 back home. Marvellous.
So, at about 1am, after also checking up on the NZ/India cricket, I made the short journey from my chair into bed.

I love sleeping, I'm not going to lie. Being a university bum also means I can get more of it, which is marvellous. So there I was, warm, comfortable, dreaming of Ana Ivanovic. Which is why getting rudely awoken at 7am wasn't my preference, to be honest. Anyway, to cut a long story short, (reading this back, I'm as bored as you are, seriously) my little brother, who I shall call "The Ginger Prince" had apparently been up all night being sick. It turns out that he won't be going into school, my father has "important meetings" (I always love that cop-out) until 3pm, and my mother is working from 9-4:30.

So, guess who's perfectly laid plans have now gone to ruin, and will have to sit with a sickly child and be brainwashed by CBeebies all day?

If you haven't read all that, here's a quick summary : I'm tired, and pissed off.

Why So Serious?

Sorry for all the hatred and bile that has spurted from my 'pen' today. The irony of course being that it's March 17th, and it's "my day". So, to all of you, whether you live in Ireland or not, Happy St. Paddy's Day!

To celebrate, here's some fantabulous tunes to cheer me up and to make us all, and not just the people at Guinness, enjoy the day!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=98P-gu_vMRc

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=czuKJeH-t84

And finally this, because a) It has Ana Ivanovic in it, and b) it never fails to make me laugh:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5a-flQucyDw