From Russia with Love

Huge thanks to Twitter pal Curtis (@Curtos07) for this doozy. It is strangely comforting to see that bad, thoughtless, terrible journalism isn't limited to the United Kingdom. Shame on you, Paul Sullivan! You have shamed your fine country of Canada with this one:

 http://metronews.ca/voices/just-saying/261050/beauty-is-whats-behind-your-next-raise/

Let's analyse this baby in full FJM (firejoemorgan.com) style!

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When Maria Sharapova won the French Open on Saturday, it was another victory for the Beautiful People.

Loved their second album. Their third - and final - album "Mongoose Overdrive" left a lot to be desired however. No real surprise they split up after that one.

Sharapova, all six-foot-two of her, is gorgeous.

She is. Oooh, I'd really like to kiss her!

But then, so are a lot of tennis players these days. 

Right!

Somewhere along the line, right at Anna Kournikova, perhaps, it became important for female tennis players to be beautiful as well as talented.

This is a load of bollocks, quite frankly, and it serves as a warning as to all the nonsense that's still to come in this one. First off, there's been loads of beautiful tennis players gracing the courts down the years - a few that spring to mind were around before Anna Kournikova swung a racquet around in anger. The Kournikova reference is just lazy. But that isn't really the point, here.

"Important to be beautiful as well as talented"?

Eh...not really. I mean, yes, beautiful tennis players will rake in more $ when it comes to modelling etc - let's not be naive on that one - but to pretend that a professional sportsperson should place as much importance in their appearance as they should harvesting and using their talent is just a bit pathetic, quite frankly. I bet Petra Kvitova really regrets not doing as many photoshoots as Maria Sharapova does when she wakes up every morning and sees the Wimbledon trophy on her mantelpiece.

Partial list: Daniela Hantuchova, Sabine Lisicki, Vera Zvonareva, Lucie Safarova, Maria Kirilenko, Simona Halep, Tatiana Golovin, as well as the aforementioned Kournikova and Sharapova.

This is one of the most blatant and shameless "Shit, I need to fill my word count for this piece" tactic I've ever seen. Simply listing women you fancy. Good work sir, good work.

Kate Upton. Kelly Brook. Jessica Alba. Scarlet Johansson. Zooey Deschanel.

Wow this is a fun game!

Apparently, it doesn’t hurt if you’re eastern European either.

Bit racist, no?

One honest BBC producer has admitted that “babes and Brits” get the centre-court treatment at Wimbledon while less attractive players have to grunt it out on the outer courts.

I don't understand this paragraph, at all. Whether you take "centre court treatment" in a literal way or not, it still doesn't make any sense. Literally - well, a BBC employee would have no say whatsoever on which court a player plays on. The "Brit" bit isn't true, because Andy Murray plays on centre court not because he's British but because he's normally seeded somewhere between #2 - #5 in the competition. Don't think we'll be seeing Elena Baltacha on there anytime soon. As for the "babes" bit - Ana Ivanovic regularly wins the "sexiest tennis player" award and the last time I recall her playing on Centre Court was back in 2009 when she played Venus Williams. That might not be right, as my memory isn't the greatest, but I sure can recall her playing a lot of matches on the small, outside courts these past few years.

Non-literal way? Well, that then doesn't fit with "have to grunt it out on the outer courts" and it's still wrong. The Williams sisters have got an awful lot of attention the past decade or so, yet I don't see them in FHM's Top 100 List. Anyway, let's move on, I'm boring myself.

But that’s the way of the world. If you’re gorgeous, you’re golden.

Daniel Hamermesh, a professor at the University of Texas in Austin and author of Beauty Pays, estimates that, in a lifetime, a bad-looking person can earn $230,000 less than a good-looking person, all other things being equal.

I'd really love to see the science behind that claim.

The truth about looking good is out there.

In the job market: Attractive people get more job recommendations, are considered more qualified, more likely to succeed, more likely to be hired, paid more, promoted more and less likely to be fired.

In the courts: Juries think physically attractive people are less likely to be guilty. Attractive people get lower bail, lighter sentences and smaller fines. Except maybe not Luka Magnotta. But imagine how much trouble he’d be in if he was really ugly?

In school: Attractive people get better grades.

On Facebook: Attractive people are more “friended” than ugly people.

Sex: Attractive people get more dates, have more sex and even have more orgasms.

The really tragic thing about this article is that it could have been written with an interesting and thought-provoking take on this matter. Attractive people do better in life blah blah - why? What does that say about society? Does society need to change, to stop being so vain? Sadly we know Paul Sullivan isn't going to do this, seeing as he spent a good paragraph telling us which tennis players he'd like to have sex with.

OK, too much information, perhaps. Good thing I’m attractive.

Hoho. By the way - remember this piece being about Maria Sharapova winning the French Open? No, me neither.

Did I mention that generally, men tend to overestimate their good looks? Women go the opposite way. More than eight out of 10 hate the way they look in a mirror. 

Can't help thinking that you should either use "eight out of ten" OR "8 out of 10" rather than mashing the two.

One study showed women see themselves as fatter after eating a single chocolate bar. It would have to be a 35,000-calorie chocolate bar for that to be true.

Hamermesh (whose wife thinks he looks average) finds that 70 per cent of people agree on what’s attractive most of the time. It has to do with symmetry. The more symmetrical you look, the more attractive you are. Jug ears are out.

Well, if we combine that with all the guff you've provided us with above, that means Gary Lineker will never, ever be successful in his media career, right?

So that “beauty is in the eye of the beholder” stuff is fine … just as long as you’re beautiful.

Have a nice day, and if possible, stay away from mirrors. They’re bad luck, in more ways than one.

I am going to have a nice day because I've just decided that I'm never going to read your writing ever again.

Gallimaufry, bitches!

I find blogging interesting, in the sense that sometimes I have literally nothing to write about. During those moments, I'll go a day or two without posting anything, or I might just put some rubbish about Ana Ivanovic. Other times, I have loads of stuff I want to write about, and I feel I'm in one of those phases at the moment. So be primed for a few blog posts over the next few days.

It's a beautiful day today, but I've just put down Wisden Cricketer magazine and popped back indoors to catch up on some comments that people have left me recently. I read all of them, of course, but rarely comment on them myself. So, let's see what we have here:

Many thanks to Rich for his excellent comment about the state of British tennis. Just to pick one passage from it:

'In my mind, what's needed is sustained investment in tennis coaching and academies, much like money is being put into grassroots football.'

Absolutely agreed, but I wonder whether it will ever happen. Football will always be the dominant sport in Britian, with cricket and rugby behind it. It feels weird saying this right now, as Wimbledon reaches it's climax, but tennis is bordering on being a minority sport over here. As long as that is the case, would it get the sustained investment?

Interest comment by The Plashing Vole about classical musicians dying young. It's not an area I know anything about - my interest in that subject was swiftly ended by our music teacher forcing us to watch the film Amadeus, the 3rd worst movie of all time. Still, Mozart was mental, and he died young as well didn't he? So it's an interesting pattern.

Many thanks to all who offered suggestions on sleeping in this hot weather. To Demented Demon - not sure I would want caffeine before attempting to sleep. To Voley - I tend to go to bed about 2am, think my parents might get a bit freaked out if I took a cold shower at about 1am. But you are so right about Diane Keaton - she worked so well with Allen. And she was gorgeous, which always helps. To Cynical Ben - not boring at all, very interesting actually. I let my mind wander and I slept very well last night, so who knows. Thanks to all.

Finally, in this mixed bag of a post, a quick stat-porn note. Someone from Macedonia visited the other day. Now, I only know two people from Macedonia. One of them died about 2000 years ago, and the other is Artim Sakiri. You might remember Sakiri after he scored this goal, but he also played for West Brom for a brief spell. Even though Macedonia has a population of over 2m, I'm just going to presume it's him who visited. Flawless logic, I think you'll agree.

Artim, I hate to disappoint you but Ana Ivanovic has not done a 'porno' yet, but it can only be a matter of time before Adam Scott corrupts her. The way her tennis career is going, a move into that industry might be imminent. So, keep your eye on Google, buddy.

Back outside now to finish my magazine. Did you know Adam Gilchrist once hit a century against England in only 57 balls? Insane!

The highs and lows of SW19

A real mixed day down at Wimbledon. First, a high. Ana Ivanovic survived two match points to progress through to Round 2. And no, I don't run that blog, but it is awfully useful for an obsessive like me. I watched the game thanks to the BBC website, and Ana was utter shite. She won't be around much longer. At Wimbledon, I mean. I'm not planning to kill her.

Next, a low. I don't like using this word (actually, I do, I love it) but some cunt from the Mirror thought he'd try and provoke a reaction from defeated Brit Anne Keothavong. He got it, sadly, and he got his story. I have to wonder who organises these press conferences - if I was in charge, I would have interjected immediately, and told him to ask something else, or leave. Every professional wants to win - none of them lose deliberately, and to heap that much pressure on a young girl's shoulders straight after a defeat is unacceptable, in my opinion. She's done well this year, and she just had a bad game. By going out there and giving her all, the only person she would let down is herself. I hope the guy is satisfied.

Another low is that 6 British players got knocked out today. Don't blame them, blame the grass roots of the game on these shores. And remember that Tim Henman had his own tennis court, and parents rich enough to fund private coaching for him, Greg Rusedski is Canadian, and Andy Murray has grown up in Spain. I don't have time here to analyse what the tennis bods need to do to change things, but change is needed, no matter how many tournaments Murray wins.

Finally, I have to finish on another low. I'm calling you out Celina Hinchcliffe. Not just you, though, every journalist who has ever done this. Watch this video between 0:37 - 1:00. Make sure you notice Ana's eyes glaze over, her smile get a little forced, and her standard reponse to this question. Yes, she has a standard response to this question, because she's heard it 6.7m times before from journalists. Yes, she's gorgeous, and she has male attention. I know that. You know that. She knows that. We all fricking know it. So do you think you could stop asking her about it now?

As she has pointed out to every journalist a million times before, she think it's nice, "every girl likes a compliment", but she wants people to notice her for her achievements on a tennis court. God knows why, she's shit at the moment, but that's what she wants. If there's any sports journalists reading - if you get to interview Ana, please ask her what her favourite biscuit is. Or whether she likes the film Casablanca or not. Anything, apart from "How does it feel to be fit?"

The Championships, Wimbledon

Before a ball is struck in anger, thought I'd better get my Wimbledon predictions in quick, so that after the tournament you can point and laugh.

Who I think will win: Murray and S Williams

Who I want to win: Federerererererererererer and my dear Ana

If you feel brave enough, leave your own predictions as a comment below - then we can all just laugh at each other!