The One Where People Wrote Letters...

...into The Shropshire Star and I responded to them in my own unique and daft way.

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Money can't buy me love The Beatles sang, but it can buy you football's Premier League title.


Everybody tells me so, Can't buy me love, No, no noooo

Join in everyone!

Manchester City have spent hundreds of millions of pounds over the last two years, more than the rest of the Premier League put together. 


Yes.

But even then they needed the help of the referee on the last day of the season to beat a poor Manchester United side to the title by the smallest amount possible, goal difference.


I've not seen a single United supporter - of which I am one - blaming the referee in the City game up until now. Joey Barton thoroughly deserved to be sent off, simply for being Joey Barton.

City fans should make the most of it because when a team is made up of players who only come because of the huge wages and nothing else, they soon get fed up as we have seen with one or two of their players this season. The saddest thing for City fans is, even though they won the league, they are still the second best club in Manchester and will remain so for many years as they don't have the rich history behind them that United do.


About 10 years ago this would have been the wet dream of all letters for me, but now that I'm past the age of 15 I just find this all so thoroughly sad. As much as I disliked the events of the Premier League's final day, it was a fun season and I look forward to the two Manchester clubs battling it out again next season, and as much as I disliked the events of the Premier League's final day, it's only a game. Nobody died.

United were the better side overall


Debatable.

as they won more points against the rest of the league than City did. If United had won the two derby matches they would have finished 12 points ahead of City which proves the point.


If I...

Lived in London
Had loads of money
Was incredibly good looking
Owned a sports car
Was a professional athlete
Was the most charming and charismatic man on the planet
Was as intelligent and learned as a brain surgeon

then I could have sex with Kelly Brook! Yay! This is a fun game!

Here's another one for you - IF Jonny Evans hadn't been sent off in the first derby match, and IF Ferguson had started Antonio Valencia in the second derby match....well, who knows, but we can do the "If" bollocks all day long.

P.R. Jones
Oswestry


Those grapes are mighty sour!

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A word now from the lovely Emyr Davies. I've typed up a few of Emyr's letters for this blog in the past, and I always enjoy reading them. Emyr is evidently an elderly chap who uses the letters page of The Shropshire Star to describe events/adventures that have taken place in his youth, and more power to his elbow, I say. The reason why I enjoy his letters is because - bless him - they rarely make much sense. However, rather than being cruel and laughing at him, I find his letters a welcome relief from all the xenophobia, homophobia, bigotry and religious nonsense which is usually printed on these pages, and long may his pen have ink in it.

During National Service with the RAF in 1951, I was walking through Shrewsbury late in the evening when all of a sudden two Military Police (Red Caps) men (lance corporals) jumped out on me from the shadows. Fear set in for a few minutes as one Red Cap accused me of 'walking like an old farmer.'


All of a sudden two civilians in trilbies emerged. One stated: "Are these so-and-sos causing you trouble, mate?"


The Red Caps let me go. "Take care," one said.


I have often wondered were those two civilians really sergeants or colour sergeants in the Military Police or just civilians who had done National Service like me?


It's true, I stoop a little through reading a good bit, and have bought a brace to help my posture but it would be nice to see the Red Caps back on Britain's streets again! Our bobbies need help and during 1939-45 there were Army, Navy and RAF police around, plus those big American Red Caps, too, some black men with truncheons.


Slightly surprising end to that one, Emyr!

Mr Emyr Davies
Wrexham


D'aww, I love Emyr, and wish he was my Granddad. Like I said, he's a tonic when compared to all the other letters about the EU, "the immigrants", Tony Blair and the TV programme 'Crossroads'.

Of course, that last one is just me having a laugh. Nobody has ever penned a letter to The Shropshire Star about 'Crossroads', obviously, and I doubt anyone ever will.

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I feel compelled to write in reaction to Ben Bentley's review of the programme 'Unforgettable Noele Gordon.'


Unforgettable, isn't he? I thought that 'House Party' was juvenile nonsense and obviously 'Deal or No Deal' is just randomness and luck, but I do like that programme where he gives Christmas presents to sick kids. What a nice man!

Proof-reader: "That's Noel Edmonds."
Me: "So it is. Who the FRICK is Noele Gordon then?"
Proof-reader: "Dunno. Apparently she's unforgettable though."

I am angry at the disrespectful and misinformed way he described Miss Gordon's Crossroads.


Of all the things to be angry about, this is right up there.

The programme was not pantomime. The sets only wobbled in the very early days, alongside those of Coronation Street. And to say it made Neighbours look like a million-dollar Spielberg production was absolutely ridiculous.


I hope this guy signs up to Football365 Forum one day and writes stuff like this. He'll be absolutely buried in the avalanche of "He's seething!" replies he'd get.

It's true though. This guy is properly seething, or #seething if you like Twitter and hashtags and all of that nonsense.

Crossroads was at times inspiring, sometimes very moving, and a great comfort to the elderly, and those living on their own, who regarded Meg Richardson as their friend.

This is all rather odd, isn't it?

Crossroads and Noele Gordon are still missed by a great many people. How dare anyone criticise either of them?

Bob Oakley
Shrewsbury

I happen to think Crossroads was a load of ol' shite, Bobby boy. What you gonna do? You come at the King, you best not miss!

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One final letter for now, this one coming from the master of short, snappy nonsense Allan Tucker from Oswestry!

After the President of France Francois Hollande's first cabinet, we still dont know his attitude to nuclear weapons, nor to nuclear power.

Allan Tucker
Oswestry


I started compiling a list of other irrelevant things we don't know Francois Hollande's opinions on yet but I got bored after the 784th thing and so deleted it. Instead let me take this moment to phone the new French President and congratulate him on his election!

(picks up phone, presses an unnecessary amount of buttons very quickly)

President of France Francois Hollande (PoFFH): "Allo?"

Ewar: "Bonjour Monsieur Hollande! Je m'appelle votre ami Ewar!"

(I don't know French but Google Translate tells me that's right)

PoFFH: "Who?"

(I've given up on the French)

Ewar: "I know you are very busy sir but I wanted to ask you about your preference when it comes to biscuits!"

PofFH: "Who iz theeez? 'Ow did you get theeez number?"

Ewar: "I like chocolate hobnobs, particularly with a cup of tea, but I also like custard creams. You?"

PoFFH: "I do not have ze time for this inane chatter, be off with you!"

Ewar: "Alright, fine. One final thing, sorry - you don't happen to know who Noele Gordon is, do you?"

(Phone gets slammed down)

What a nice man.

Until next time bloggerheads!

Letters Pray

It's been well over a month since I've looked at some letters into The Shropshire Star, and the papers I've saved especially for this reason have begun to fester a little bit and really need binning. So, let's cut the small talk here and go go go. I'm treating you by lining up a Val Duncan DOUBLE-BILL first!

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Cameron says: "If I was running a Conservative-only Government I think we would be making further steps on things like immigration control or making sure that our welfare reforms were absolutely making sure that if you're not prepared to work you can't go on welfare. I think we'd be tougher than that."


Right.


A very bad statement to make because Cameron is already known as Mr U-turn and this confirms we have a very weak Prime Minister who will give ground for an easy ride. Time to change the leader and put someone in place who has a backbone.


Who? I don't agree with Val's opinion here, but let's run with this last sentence. You get rid of D-Cam, and you replace him with....who exactly? Gideon? Michael Gove?

*little devil on Ewar's shoulder* "Don't you like David Davis and think he'd be a good leader?"

SHUT UP, YOU!

Also, Val seems to be criticising the fact that a leader operating in a coalition Government is making it very clear that he's the leader of a coalition Government. Boo! Send him to the stocks!


The Prime Minister made a speech a few months ago enthusiastically welcoming Turkey's 78 million into the EU, which of course means unfettered access to England which is already chronically overcrowded. That's how serious he is about mass immigration.


Of course it does. That is, OF COURSE, what it means. All of these Turkish people are now able to come over here now that they've joined the EU. I'm looking forward to meeting a Turkish person! We've never had one in this country before, of course.

Now please just excuse me whilst I go and get a kebab. Lovely guys down at my local kebab house. No idea where they come from!


We could virtually stop immigration in its tracks if we stopped the benefit system (but I suppose this isn't allowed by the EU!) 


Lol!


David Cameron is the biggest disaster ever. Need I add more?


"The Biggest Disasters Ever - A List by Val Duncan"

5 Hindenburg
4 Munich Air Disaster
3 Titanic
2 Pompeii
1 David Cameron


Val Duncan
Wellington


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Europe wants to raise the percentage of reduction of carbon footprints from 20% to 30%?


That is a brilliant idea.


What a brilliant idea.


I know! Good, isn't it?


Let us send all manufacturing and wealth creating to China or even India...we can all sit back and let China and India send us financial aid. 


Hmm?


Can I ask just when our Prime Minister is going to start thinking about Britain? Please Mr Cameron will you stop looking in the mirror and practising looking important on the world stage and start looking at the state of our country instead.


This is really annoying, as Val wrote this BEFORE Cameron decided to stay on his holidays rather than come back to the UK once the looting started, so reading this now it appears that she has a point. Damn you D-Cam! Nevertheless, I like this paragraph a lot more when you take it literally, and imagine our Prime Minister taking a few moments every day to look in the mirror and "practice looking important".

Whilst I'm here - "Europe wants to..." suddenly becomes all about Cameron and Britain. Far be it for me to try and wade through Val Duncan's thoughts and make some sort of sense out of them, but I'm not sure this really makes any sense whatsoever. As we've seen in the past, she HATES a federal Europe, but now she wants Europe to keep all of it's profitable manufacturing going whilst banning David Cameron from looking in mirrors.

I think?


We are under-educated and under-defended;


Speak for yourself.


unemployment is abysmal; we are cutting everything and paying more for essentials. Either get a grip or stand down. You are not up to the job.


I for one welcome our new David Davis led overlords!


Val Duncan
Bratton


Seriously, you were from Wellington a few minutes ago. What's going on?


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There's only so much Val Duncan a man can take, so let's move on.


Is Nato finished?


No.


One good reason it will not survive - it is costing America too much.


Wrong.


Allan Tucker
Oswestry


Thanks Allan!

To be honest, I secretly like Allan Tucker. If you're going to be wrong - and he ALWAYS is - it's better to be wrong in about 12 words then 1,200.


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I have just been in a local shop and asked where was the fat (very helpful and efficient) girl -


This is going to be a boring letter. Does anyone want a cup of tea? I'm just on my way to the kitchen, so if you want anything shout now or forever hol...hang on, what? Can you repeat that?


I have just been in a local shop and asked where was the fat (very helpful and efficient) girl -


Wow. And I mean that.


a perfectly innocent comment! Not a slur!


When I get to about 70, can someone just put me down, please? I don't want to end up like this person, or like my Gran, who goes to church several times a week yet is the biggest racist I know.

The thing is, she doesn't do it deliberately - it's just the attitude that she's grown up with, and now times have changed she can't adapt. But that's a race thing. Surely there's never been an acceptable time to flippantly describe someone, in a social context, as "the fat girl"?

It reminds me a little of Father Ted, the way that Matthews and Linehan named their characters - "The Dancing Priest", "The Boring Priest" and so on.


I was told by the obviously educated lady serving that I should not say such things etc.


If there's one thing I fucking hate - and which we need less of - it's educated people. Fuck off, learned people! Take a hike, socially aware, diplomatic, courteous and kind folk!


What a narrow-minded nasty little world the politically correct brigade have brought about!


And......I'm bailing.


J H Price
Madeley


I read the letters page every day, yet I've never seen this name before. That, combined with the last sentence, makes me think that I'm being had here.

Because this is a wind-up, isn't it? It has to be. I don't want to exaggerate my power and influence(!) but I do get readers landing on these blog entries often having Googled a letter writers name. There's a danger that combing through the letters pages, I've set myself up for a right merking - someone has seen this blog and tried to reel me in with a letter like this.

JH Price from Madeley. My eye is very much trained on you. Fat boy.


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One more.

I cannot believe the content of Val Duncan's letter (July 4th). While I am concerned about the way some immigrants seem to get benefits, it's obvious that most of that letter is untrue, very inflammatory and intended to stir up racial hatred.


Ron Jones
St Martins


Ooof! It's Ron Jones 1-0 Val Duncan!

Can Val equalise?! Join us next time to find out, kids!

It's Time! It's Time! IT'S! LETTERS! TIME!

I'll give you 100 points if you can tell me what my title is referencing there.

Hallo again all. I've been quiet recently, as you might have noticed. The truth is, a blasted thing called a thessertation is taking up all of my time at the moment. Initially I thought it would be fun to write, as you can choose the topic and warp it into something vaguely interesting. But now that I'm halfway through, I hate it. Please Lord, let me finish it soon. I never want to read a baseball book again, to be perfectly honest.

Nevertheless, I'm not here to moan, but instead to entertain. So, without further ado, let's have a look at some more letters into my local paper, The Sloppy Star. Trust me, some of these are beautiful.

What is happiness?


That's a good question, isn't it? What IS happiness? I don't want to get philosophical, or deep, so I won't. But it is something to ponder on. Let's see what our friend has to say in the rest of his letter. Could he be about to say something interesting, or bonkers?

Clue: I've included it in this blog post.

It could be a round of toast with what you want on it or a toasted sandwich.


Well...I suppose it could be. But it's interesting you say this, because...

I like toast.
I like a toasted sandwich.

But which is better? THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT!!

It might be a slice of homemade bread and butter - delicious for a lot, but not all can celebrate, due to an intolerance to gluten, but could eat a baked potato.


*head explodes*

But to bake a potato properly takes a long time in an energy-using electric or gas oven. What we want is a small compact electric machine to bake a potato, just one to satisfy our desire.


"Romeo and Juliet", copyright Ewar Woowar, 2011:

Romeo: "Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, and let mine desires be sated on the morn!"
Juliet: "My ears have not yet drunk a hundred words of that tongue's uttering, yet I know the sound: O Romeo! I would lay thee down on a bed o' thorns for your love. Embrace mine bosom and satisfy to one's heart content!"
Romeo: "Put your knickers back on and fuck off. I wanted a baked potato, you silly tart."

The bread toaster is well established, also the bread maker and the sandwich toaster. 


By the way, I didn't miss the logic in his previous sentence, which was essentially: "Electric oven uses energy, booo! Let's create an electric machine which will...well....use energy."

One day we will have this economic machine for doing one potato as we like it, but when?


The question on everyone's lips.

Malcolm McIntyre-Ure
Llanbrynmair


Welsh. The nutty ones are ALWAYS Welsh.

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The Prime Minister has stated that Britain could not stand by and do nothing whilst innocent people are being slaughtered in Libya.


Reasonable.

Really?


Yes.

Britain has been doing that for years with Zimbabwe.


A few years ago, when I was about 18, I'll happily admit I shared this view. But now I'm a bit older, and wiser, I've had to accept the logistics of it all. Mugabe is an evil bastard, but he's also smart. He's pretty friendly with the countries around him, and Zimbabwe is land-locked. Therefore it's pretty much impossible to get troops into there without kicking off an almighty dust up. And with troops already in Iraq and Afghanistan, as well as Libya and Syria teetering on the edge, we can't really afford a big ruckus down Africa way right now. It's sad for the Zimbabwean  people - and I went to school with one who had fled - but shit happens, I'm afraid.

But then Zimbabwe has not got oil has it?


Can you excuse me for a second?

*Puts down can of Coke, opens wardrobe and rummages inside. Finds trusty cricket bat. Runs to letter writers address, rings doorbell and patiently waits. Smacks letter writer over the head repeatedly. Runs back home and wipes sweaty brow with cold can*

Apologies for that. Just that blaming everything on "all about oil innit guv?" is the thing I hate the most, this side of "illegal war".

JH Wood
Telford


AKA Jim Wood. We have previous, I'm pretty certain.

I am now very cross indeed. Who's next? I can cope with pretty much anyone except our old friend Val Dunc...

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Oh, Vince Cable thinks he is prime minister now, does he?


Hello Val.

*Keeps cricket bat nearby*

He's doddering about threatening the government with his nuclear weapons, while Clegg labours under the dream he runs the country.


That sentence is a lot funnier and more interesting when you imagine Cable literally threatening Cameron, Osborne et al with a nuclear warhead.

Cameron thinks educating any kids but our own is "spot on", although I agree with him on too much immigration.


Naturally. Send the buggers back, I say.

Did the big, white elephant in the room finally stamp on him?


Val, we've known each other for a few years now. And I know more than anybody that this letter isn't hitting the spot, y'know? It ain't....you. It isn't you, Val! Come on. Go back to what you're good at.

Meanwhile, the EU


Well done.

stamps all over us and bleeds us to death. The human rights commission tells us what we can and can't do.


Fuck human rights. I'm serious.

Fuck you and your "human rights". It's time they're banned, actually. Let me create a Facebook group for this.

And the directives continue to be rubber-stamped as they pour in. Who, exactly, is in charge here?


Val Duncan
Wellington


Not you, thankfully.

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Everyone is coming round to the view that there is no military solution to Afghanistan. The Afghan War is a disaster.


Allan Tucker
Oswestry


Thanks Allan! As wrong-headed as ever.

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Cut Trident, not jobs, education and health, and no to nuclear power. It's expensive and not worth the risk.


Allan Tucker
Oswestry


Thanks Allan! You've gone 0-2 these past few letters. Have a day off.

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The final letter in this clusterfuck was alerted to me by reader and teacher extraordinare Don. Thankyou, sir.

When I do these blog posts I try to pick letters which are silly, and wrong, but coherent enough to have something to discuss and poke fun at. This letter, however....well, you'll see.

So it is a lovely sunny day, the sky is blue...or is it?


An intriguing start, I'm sure you'll agree. In other news, I just had to let it auto-correct "intriguing". The one word I ALWAYS misspell.

Wait a moment the sky is not really blue, it is a hazy white. Why?


I'm excited. Let's go for it.

Did you know that we are systematically and daily being sprayed by government planes with toxic waste that is supposed to stop the global warming problem?


Reading this, I am reminded of a man I like very, very much called Mike Carlson. One or two people reading this will know who he is, I'd wager most people won't however. Basically, Mike Carlson is ace, he's cool, and I wish he was my dad.

I am reminded of Mike Carlson because when he was on Channel 5 a few years back co-presenting their baseball coverage, he used to signify something dumb happening (a bad error on the field, a dumb trade off of it, him getting the trivia question wrong etc) by making his fingers into a gun and pretending to blow his own brains out.

Guess what I'm doing right now?

Think I am talking nonsense, take a look at the sky. There are normal planes that pass by and their vapour trail goes away almost immediately, but then there are the chemtrails sprayed in straight criss cross lines widening and merging into a haze. I have a panoramic view where I live, overlooking Clun and I have been watching them doing this each morning over our hills!


I don't know about you, but there's one word in that paragraph that, to me, jumps out an absolute mile. Can you guess what it is? Have another look, I'll reveal all at the end.

So what is in the spray? Well I am no chemist or biologist


No shit.

but spraying systematic barium and aluminium into the air cannot be doing any of us any good. It is no wonder respiratory diseases, cancers and Alzheimers are on the increase?


I absolutely love the first part of this sentence. Paraphrased: "I don't know what's in the spray, but there's barium and aluminium in the spray."

I personally think this is outrageous. I have not been consulted about this, have you?


Well, yes, I have. You haven't? That's a shame. But it's true, I'm afraid. The good people at WACKJOB (West Midlands Agricultural Corporation Keeping Jobs Over Britain) gave me a call to discuss it. It's all rather exciting! Not too sure why they missed you out.

Something needs to be said and done about this, at least contact your local MP and protest. Our health is at stake and our world, as who knows about the long term effects of this madness.


Jackie Barnes
Clun


What a fitting word to finish on.

Back to that paragraph earlier. Did you spot the give-away word? If you didn't, no worries. If you did, well done! For it was:

"chemtrails".

Because that word just seemed really odd, slotted into the middle of a letter like that. It was almost a tell-tale sign that this lunatic has been reading stuff from other people which she's swallowed whole, and is now regurgitating this crap whilst her head spins round in a Linda Blair-esque fashion. I was intrigued by this word, so I Googled it, and naturally my fears were sadly founded. It's all a rather sad, bogus conspiracy:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chemtrail_conspiracy_theory

Apologies for the wikipedia link, but then again I AM a student. Which reminds me, I have better things to be doing right now.

Like taking a nap. Ciao for now.

In The Hot Seat

Let's take a quick look at a letter into last night's Sloppy Star. It's from regular writer, Allan Tucker from Oswestry, and it attempts to tackle an interesting topic:

There has been some controversy about whether global warming is taking place.

Correct. I watched an interesting debate about this a few days ago, and I found myself in agreement with Michael Portillo.

Yes, you read that right. I'm as shocked/surprised/angered as you are. But "Bear With!" as that woman in 'Miranda' says.

Global warming is certainly an interesting debate. I would reckon about 80% of scientists say it's happening, but not ALL are in agreement. At this moment in time, I am sceptical. There is a good argument that Earth has gone through radical temperature differences before, and this is simply happening again and is nothing to do with human hand. That does appeal to my belief that Mother Nature knows what's it doing, I'll admit. And Dennis Miller made a good point the other night, albeit in a humorous way - how accurate were the findings 100 years ago? Accurate enough to really pay attention to them?

However I certainly keep an open mind on this, and would be happy to lose my cynical side. If the clever bods can conclusively prove that we're fucking up the globe, then it's time to act, and act bloody quickly. It won't be nice, but necessary. Whatever your opinion though, an interesting discussion can be had. Let's see what Allan can bring to the table.

PricewaterhouseCoopers says that its research highlighted the need for carbon reduction.

Interesting, what were their findings?

That, together with the fact that most scientists and governments agree, is enough for me. Global warming is taking place.

Oh, that's that then? Fair enough. Let me just go and get some solar panels eh?

Are you ready to be...

...if you've just said the word "heartbroken" out loud after reading that title, congratulations! You win...nothing. Because in this instance, you're wrong. Are you ready to be bored, people? Of course you are, you're reading my blog. We all know this is what you do to pass some time once you've looked at the news, e-mail, all other blogs, pornography, the news from Norwegian elections. I know you, people. I know you.

Anyway, I want you to cast your mind back to a blog entry of mine a few weeks back, the link is handily here. If you can't be bothered to click on the link, a quick summary:

A man called Allan Tucker from Oswestry wrote a letter into The Sloppy Star saying, quite simply, that the Taliban are not "our lot" and that we should just leave them and exit from Afghanistan "pronto". I didn't agree, and I proceeded to make a few lame jokes and gently ridicule him. But I will give him credit though - his letter got across his point of view perfectly. He wants the troops to come home from Afghanistan, and his short, snappy letter left no doubt as to his feelings on this matter.

Congratulations Allan. What this means however is that the last thing you need to do is write another letter into the paper about Afghanistan. Seriously, why bother? There's no point. So you're not going to do that, are you? Are you? Oh, you are? Okay, cool.

What a fiasco the Afghan war is. We have been sucked into an imbroglio. Our part must end.

(end of letter)

You know that phone I have where I can phone anyone in history? I haven't used it for a while - I had to get it repaired after it melted whilst I was having phone sex with Fanny Hill. Anyway, I feel like phoning a Hollywood actor. Let's try.....Bill Murray!

(taps out unnecessarily long phone number)

"Hello?"

"Mr Bill Murray sir! It is I, Ewar!"

"Yes?"

"Are you okay, you sound a bit down?"

"No, I'm not okay. You see, I'm stuck in this weird world where every day seems to be exactly the same as the last. It's just the same old shit and I'm finding it difficult to cope!"

"Goodness Bill! I couldn't imagine anything like tha...(looks at paper) Actually...I hear you brother. Hang in there."