Thursday, 20 August 2009

It's time to come clean...

...I've been hiding something from you, my dear reader, ever since I started this blog. But now I feel it's time to reveal all. To reveal my little secret.

In the drawer to my left, underneath some socks, I have a phone. Not just any phone though - oh no! This is a phone I've designed myself. It took me 6 years, but I've finally perfected it. Because, ladies and gentlemen, this phone enables me to phone up ANY person, from ANY year in history.

I've taken out the phone - phew! it's heavy - and it's now resting on my desk here. You don't believe me? Okay, fine. Who shall we phone? How about Napoleon Bonaparte?

(taps out an unnecessarily long phone number)


"Titchy, me old mucker!"

"Who iz theez?"

"It's Ewarwoowar, do you remember me? I phoned you once to swear at you!"

"Sacre bleu! You English pig! Get away, I have a battle at Waterloo to fight!"

(phone gets slammed down)

Well, good luck with that.

Anyway, I've just finished reading a letter written into the Sloppy Star. Let's read it together, and work out whether it's an interesting point that has been missed in the Afghanistan debate so far, or whether it's pure bollocks:

The Taliban are a bad lot, but they are not our lot. Let's get out of Afghanistan pronto.

(end of letter)

Could you just excuse me for a second? (taps out an unnecessarily long phone number)


"Neville! Mr Chamberlain, sir! It is I, Ewarwoowar!"

"My dear boy! What can I do you for?"

"Well, you know that nasty dude Adolf, and how he's just invaded Poland, and how you're about to declare on war on him and his country?"

"Yes yes yes, what about it? I'm frightfully busy you know!"

"Yes, well, that's the thing - forget it."

"What on Earth do you mean?!"

"Yeah, well, I've just been having a think, right? And I know they are a bad lot, those Nazis. And I know they'll kill a lot of innocent people, and I know that leaving them, allowing them to get stronger and generally turning a blind eye seems a bit of a shitty idea...but THINK about it, Nev - they're not "our lot" are they?"

"I don't understand!"

"Despite it being completely the wrong thing to do - politically and morally - they aren't in this country. They are not associated with us. Chill out, yeah? Forget about them - go and play golf, or something. Whatever. Let Poland deal with Poland, for Christ's sake."

"My goodness, you are totally right! I'm off to rip up that statement I was preparing to read out on the radio, and I think I'll go and get a good view of Adolf trampling over Western Europe, conveniently forgetting the serious implications it could have on this country! Good day, sire!"

In all seriousness, now. Afghanistan is an interesting debate, with plenty of good arguments for and against the ongoing war, and how it is currently being tackled by the coalition out there. However, saying "nothing to do with us Guv" is not a good argument - it is stupid, ignorant, small-minded and not at all helpful. Shame on the person who wrote that letter, and shame on the Slop for including it on their letters page.

Allan Tucker

I'm adding you onto my list. And is there nothing to do in Oswestry except write stupid letters to newspapers?


  1. Ironically though the Taliban are essentially 'our lot' seeing as they are largely an offshoot of the Mujaheddin which were of course trained and financed by the Americans and ourselves to fight Soviet troops during the cold war. We have learned the hard way that the enemy of my enemy can of course also be my enemy.

    I mention this not to disagree with your point but to illustrate further how much of a plank this wax crayon wielder is.

    Incidently if you are looking for an interesting book on the subject of international terror (and let's face it deep down aren't we all) I heartilly recommend John Gray's Al Quaida: And What It Means To Be Modern. A slim volume of pure genius.

  2. >>However, saying "nothing to do with us Guv" is not a
    >> good argument - it is stupid, ignorant, small-minded
    >> and not at all helpful.

    And where is it writ that all letters expressing a view should be helpful? And helpful to whom, precisely? Perhaps the very same self-selecting, self-satisfied, juvenile bunch of nu-lab brown nosing sycophants who congregate here, engaging in mutual back-slapping, congratulating each other on their ability to spout the same old same old.

    Tim, this endless smart-Alec criticism, the ad hominem attacks, just expose you for the shallow non-thinker you really are. It has got to stop. At least these people in the Shropshire Star are having a go making an attempt to articulate their world view. And you and your clique seek to silence them for not being "helpful". Shame on you!

    Well. From here on, I'm watching you. Show a little more respect to the Shropshire Star letter writers. That's an order.

  3. Ben's right - we made the Taliban to annoy the Soviets because the Americans thought it would be a good idea if they had a Vietnam of their own.

    One little thing - Chamberlain did pretty much do that - 'I have in my hand a piece of paper which promises peace in our time'. He was PM when war broke out, but was rapidly replaced by Churchill, who for all his faults, had seen the Nazis coming from a very long way off.