In the drawer to my left, underneath some socks, I have a phone. Not just any phone though - oh no! This is a phone I've designed myself. It took me 6 years, but I've finally perfected it. Because, ladies and gentlemen, this phone enables me to phone up ANY person, from ANY year in history.
I've taken out the phone - phew! it's heavy - and it's now resting on my desk here. You don't believe me? Okay, fine. Who shall we phone? How about Napoleon Bonaparte?
(taps out an unnecessarily long phone number)
"Titchy, me old mucker!"
"Who iz theez?"
"It's Ewarwoowar, do you remember me? I phoned you once to swear at you!"
"Sacre bleu! You English pig! Get away, I have a battle at Waterloo to fight!"
(phone gets slammed down)
Well, good luck with that.
Anyway, I've just finished reading a letter written into the Sloppy Star. Let's read it together, and work out whether it's an interesting point that has been missed in the Afghanistan debate so far, or whether it's pure bollocks:
The Taliban are a bad lot, but they are not our lot. Let's get out of Afghanistan pronto.
(end of letter)
Could you just excuse me for a second? (taps out an unnecessarily long phone number)
"Neville! Mr Chamberlain, sir! It is I, Ewarwoowar!"
"My dear boy! What can I do you for?"
"Well, you know that nasty dude Adolf, and how he's just invaded Poland, and how you're about to declare on war on him and his country?"
"Yes yes yes, what about it? I'm frightfully busy you know!"
"Yes, well, that's the thing - forget it."
"What on Earth do you mean?!"
"Yeah, well, I've just been having a think, right? And I know they are a bad lot, those Nazis. And I know they'll kill a lot of innocent people, and I know that leaving them, allowing them to get stronger and generally turning a blind eye seems a bit of a shitty idea...but THINK about it, Nev - they're not "our lot" are they?"
"I don't understand!"
"Despite it being completely the wrong thing to do - politically and morally - they aren't in this country. They are not associated with us. Chill out, yeah? Forget about them - go and play golf, or something. Whatever. Let Poland deal with Poland, for Christ's sake."
"My goodness, you are totally right! I'm off to rip up that statement I was preparing to read out on the radio, and I think I'll go and get a good view of Adolf trampling over Western Europe, conveniently forgetting the serious implications it could have on this country! Good day, sire!"
In all seriousness, now. Afghanistan is an interesting debate, with plenty of good arguments for and against the ongoing war, and how it is currently being tackled by the coalition out there. However, saying "nothing to do with us Guv" is not a good argument - it is stupid, ignorant, small-minded and not at all helpful. Shame on the person who wrote that letter, and shame on the Slop for including it on their letters page.
I'm adding you onto my list. And is there nothing to do in Oswestry except write stupid letters to newspapers?