Saturday, 1 August 2009

Congratulations everyone!

Because we've hit the motherload.

You might remember my attack on J Wendy Slark's letter to my local paper a few days ago. Well, since then old Slarkie has been a bit quiet. Everyday when the Sloppy Star lands on the doormat, I excitedly scoop it up and flick through the letter pages, franctically scanning to see her name at the bottom of a letter. But, no. Nothing. Nil. Zilch. Nada.

It was no different today, however whilst eating my dinner I thought I'd have a look through the letters anyway. And would you believe it - I stumbled upon pure gold. It's not Slarkie, but it is E Mill from Hadley! Their letter will be in bold, my response in this normal font:

The BNP bashers are getting their knickers in a twist.

Not really. I think people are just disappointed that a bunch of racist, thuggish nutters have gained a bit of power in some areas.

People vote for the BNP because the three left-wing parties in the House of Commons have betrayed the white working class.

Oh-oh, warning sign. I will gladly accept that some people have voted BNP recently, not because they are male skinheads associated with the NF, but because they are angry and disillusioned with the Government, and don't like the mainstream alternatives. I understand that - that's why I voted for the Greens at the local election. But the warning sign here is the phrase "white working class". With all due respect, fuck off. Why isn't a hard-working black man "working class", and why do you not mention them? Same for the English people who are of Asian descent. Since when has there been solely white people in this country, and since when has the Government only been accountable to them?

This Marxist Government is setting up a police state, and has murdered thousands of people in two wars.

That is breathtaking. I've heard this Government called many, many things, but Marxist is certainly not one of them. I think The Plashing Vole is a pathetic Marxist, yet he hates this Government. Isn't the problem with New Labour that Blair dumped their socialism and moved the party to the right? The abolition of Clause IV? Kinnock railing against Militant tendancy? Isn't this why boring old farts like Arthur Scargill still get wheeled out every election under the guise of "Proper Labour" or something? And as for the last bit...I'm not going to go into the whole Iraq and Afghanistan thing. Not now, not here, probably not ever. I just want to say that I'm not sure how the two things are related. Just sayin'.

The red fascists are the loony left.

Who here remembers the 1999 European Cup Final, when my football club scored 2 goals in the space of 2 minutes right at the death to come from behind and win the game 2-1? Whenever I tell people that I got more excited about Sheringham's equaliser than Solskjaer's winner, they look at me in bemusement and say "why?"

I'll tell you why. Sheringham's goal was a culmination of 90 minutes thinking/pleading with God "We need a goal, we need a fucking goal, come on". When that goal went in, it was the like the world had been lifted from my shoulders, and I could take a quick breather before extra-time. But when Solskjaer scored a minute later, there was a split-second where I just could not believe what I was seeing. It was a moment of utter-dumbfoundedness. The fog-of-war had settled in. The synapses of my brain stopped working. It was magical, of course, but it was also confusing. Instead of celebrating, I just sat there and thought "What?!"

I mention that, not only because I like thinking about it, but because I felt the same earlier tonight, when reading that sentence. You've probably forgotten it by now, so let's have it again:

The red fascists are the loony left.

The red fascists are the loony left. I just....words....brain....I can't.....oesfjrhgatiohaatbnobnhgt.

Sorry, that was my head hitting the keyboard. Can you just give me a moment please?

So, a BNP supporter is saying that the Government is "red", whatever that means. That they're fascist. That they are loony (I'll give them that one). And that they're lefties. I suppose 1 out of 4 isn't too bad. The irony of a BNP supporter calling someone fascist is hopefully not lost on you, either. How much more of this shit is there? Hmm, not that much. Let's keep on going.

This shower of Labour misfits is the worst government we have ever had.

I'm not a New Labour fan, far from it. But that sentence is absurd, mainly because unless you've been around for, like, forever, how can you judge Prime Ministers and their Governments throughout the history of this country? Are you absolutely certain that this Government is worse than The Earl of Derby's in 1852? Really, genuinely, 100% certain?

The left-wing thugs


know people will never vote for them - they hate our country, while the BNP stands up for us.

There comes a time in an argument when you know the other person is wrong, yet you run out of bullets. All you can do is sigh, clean your nails and silently understand that you are right, and the other person is an idiot. I feel like this right now - correcting all the shit in that sentence would take me ages. And I'm tired. And it's a Saturday night. And why am I sitting here getting angry at a moron who wrote a letter into a shitty paper when it's a Saturday night and I am single and 22 fucking years old. Perhaps this is how they will beat us. They will just wear us down with their bullshit, and at the end, Nick Griffin will stand triumphant over our sagging and limp bodies, our resistance shot. It would be like the racist version of the Fabian society (there's a joke for the A-Level politics students). I don't have the energy for this anymore, make it stop.

I say to all you writers,

(wearily) Yes?

start fighting the real fascists, the loony left.

End of letter. Not only have you angered me, E Mill from Hadley, you have saddened me, and ultimately confused me. Come back Slarkie - at least you were intelligent and misinformed, rather than this cretin who is just misinformed. Oh, how I yearn for the Slark!

All comments welcome, even you, the man from Grimsby who will no doubt A) read this and B) publish this on his BNP twitter feed for all his fellow racists. If you want to leave comments guys, play nicely - it would look better for you if we have a sensible discussion, right?


  1. You've got to laugh at how BNP supporters seem to think that if they were in power, we'd all suddenly warp to a mythical time when all was well with the world, people left their doors open, and crime just didn't exist. I think what we'd really see is something a lot closer to Hitler's Germany, but God forbid they should actually have the balls to admit that that's what they want to see.

    As for all the 'loony fascist left' kind of rhetoric, well you have to laugh, especially when one considers that it is directed at a Labour government that has moved some way from its socialist roots. Agree with your comments about the 'worst government ever!!11one!!!" remarks as well - just silly really. I'm not a fan of the current government but no matter how begrudgingly, one has to admit that - overall - it has done a fair bit for this country, and would be far from the worst government we've had.

    I certainly share your frustration with these kinds of letters though. To be honest, I've just given up on some of these people - its almost not worth wasting the energy getting annoyed at them.

  2. Ewar, as always, you're 99% right and also made me laugh a lot. Keep on at these delusionary weirdos.

    'Pathetic' Marxist? Loud, proud and happy Marxist, you git!