Roland Garros Update

A couple of weeks ago The Plashing Vole pointed out to me that I was making a few too many references to the lady you can see in my picture at the top of this 'ere blog. I believe his exact words were "I think we are all well aware of your Ana obsession."

I realised with a jolt of guilt that he was right, and so since then I've tried to not mention her name. Now that Roland Garros has started, I won't change that. All I'll say is this: I woke up bleary eyed at 9:30am today as 'Everybody's favourite Serbian female tennis player' was the first match on, her right as defending champion. I made myself an excellent cup of tea and a crumpet and settled down in my favourite chair to watch 'Everybody's favourite Serbian female tennis player' play. 

Despite struggling in the 1st set, 'Everybody's favourite Serbian female tennis player' won it on a tie-break, than played better to win the 2nd set 6-3, and thus navigate through the first round safely. I don't think 'Everybody's favourite Serbian female tennis player' will win the tournament - she's coming off the back of a knee injury, and is not in good enough form. But, so far so good. C'mon 'Everybody's favourite Serbian female tennis player'!

PS. If any of you were wondering what happened to live-blogging Jools Holland on Friday night - he wasn't on! It was golf highlights instead. Disgraceful. 

Premier League Predictions

Last week, Mark "Lawro" Lawrenson got a superb 7 results right, with 4 perfect scores. Unbeatable, that. Ewarwoowar got 5 results right, with 1 perfect score. It's a massacre, and my faint hope for an overall draw has been dashed. I think that's 6-3 Lawro, so we come to the final weekend of the season much like Manchester United - not bothered, half-hearted, and looking forward to future pursuits instead. Let's go for it!

Arsenal vs Stoke - I feel I should say something nice about Stoke. So, through gitted teeth, well done to them for staying up, they proved me wrong. The great news is, they're going down next season! 3-0

Aston Villa vs Newcastle - Tricky one this. Villa are on their holidays, but in terms of quality they are light years ahead of the Toon. Bassong is suspended, that will be a big loss. Newcastle to be relegated. 2-0

Blackburn vs West Brom - I'm sorry to see the back of WBA. Not only were they an easy 6 points for United every season, but at least they embrace how football should be played, and were easy on the eye. Sadly, you can't defend like they have been doing in the Premier League. 2-1

Fulham vs Everton - Two manager of the year candidates here. Fulham have been the surprise package this year, even though their home form has always been good for the past few seasons. 1-1

Hull vs Man Utd - For the first time in a long, long time, I really don't care. All I can think about is next Wednesday evening. Hull to benefit from the side Fergie puts out. 2-0

Liverpool vs Tottenham - Nothing on this one. 3-0

Man City vs Bolton - Read a great quote about Mark Hughes the other day: "Very nice, polite man, but he looked tired and is clearly a distressed soul currently". Not easy for Sparky, feel sorry for him - I think he's gone at the end of the season, as City go after The Special One. 2-0

Sunderland vs Chelsea - Mackems still aren't safe, so they will be busting a gut here in front of their home fans. They might just eke out a draw. 1-1

West Ham vs Middlesbrough - Boro are shit, good riddance. Shit team, shit manager, shit fans, satisfactory stadium. They've taken far too many points off us down the years, and I won't miss them. 2-0

Wigan vs Portsmouth - Nothing on this one, except it will be Valencia's last game for Wigan (you heard it here 1,956th). 1-1

Phew, what a season, and ultimately a good one - the right team won. Here's to Number 19. Mark "Lawro" Lawrenson was talking to BBC Sport's Nabil Hassan. Ewarwoowar is talking to Merciless Public on MSN.

The Moussam Bardi Memorial Trophy

Head on over to Merciless Public for his take on this. Named after the late, great Moroccan quizster, The Moussam Bardi Memorial Trophy is a quiz currently being keenly contested between myself and Merciless. As I'm a genius, and better than Merciless, I'm 4-1 up at the moment, and need just 2 more games to win the 1st set. Yes, the scoring is based on tennis. I just hope there are no tie-breaks, I couldn't handle the pressure.

However, it did lead to this outstanding passage of conversation on MSN last night:

Ewar: "Perhaps we could get Moussam's widow to come over here and present the winner with the trophy."

Merciless: "Ooh...is she fit?!"

Ewar: "Well, I was thinking of asking Cash to dress up in womens clothing and doing it, so.....yes."

I'll keep you updated on my imminent victory. Coming up tomorrow, on this here blog, the final Premier League Predictions of the season, and "Later with Jools Holland" live-blogging!

Absent Friends

I'd like to start this blog post with a video, if I may: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ooylQfcbRhI

Hope you enjoyed that, Sir Mitchell of Cashmore. Yes, FINALLY! EWARWOOWAR HAS COME BACK TO HIS BLOG!

Apologies for not being able to "live-blog" on Friday night, but I think you'll agree that Merciless Public did a far better job than I ever could. He didn't praise Annie Lennox, but I'll let that slide. Many thanks for the outstanding effort, Merciless! As tribute to your effort, have this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RO8FZJ_UIn4&feature=PlayList&p=D3FDDC5222D3CC1A&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=27

Wow, I love "in-jokes". Also, many thanks also to all of you who voted in the poll to find the picture that will (hopefully) be gracing the top of my blog before too long. I'll put it up very soon.

I've been absent for the last few days - to be honest no subject really caught my eye enough to blog about it. Besides, Voley was off at Butlins or something, and the Cynical one is on holiday.

But just now I read an interesting blog, from long-term pal Alex C. He wrote it yesterday, (so the fact it's just popped up on my Reading List tells me that the RL is fucked) but the topic was:

'You are giving the keynote address to the graduating seniors of a high school. What's your advice to them?

I would answer that by stealing someone else's thoughts, surprise surprise. Whether you love this or hate this, I think everyone should read/listen to it at least once in their lifetime:

http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/b/baz_luhrmann/everybodys_free_to_wear_sunscreen.html

I particularly love the bit about NYC/Northern California. But that question got me thinking about something awfully similar - what would I say to the younger version of myself, say, me exactly 10 years ago?

Well, Ewarwoowar Jnr. (aged 12 1/2) : 

1. You've already met your best friend. I think you've just had an argument with him over something stupid in History class, but don't worry, you'll be fine.
   
2. Bear this quote in mind - "You can't trust someone until you trust someone". The trust-worthy people become apparent very quickly.
3. I won't lie to you - you're about to fall in love/be completely obsessed with a girl. This will at times be great, at times be awful, but overall will be a good learning experience. Amusingly, the whole ordeal will turn out to be completely pointless (you'll never guess how the story ends!!!!) but you need to go through it. All those thoughts about her being "The One" - they are wrong, I'm afraid. But that's not a bad thing.
4. You really need to start listening to Lloyd Cole and The Commotions, even though you won't appreciate him fully to begin with. Stick with it though. Same for The Smiths - your friend was right all along.
5. In 6 days time, May 26th 1999, something awfully special will happen. Enjoy it, it doesn't happen often. And you'll love the equaliser more than the winner, for some odd reason I haven't quite worked out yet. Always keep the faith. And in the dark-ish days, never, ever, doubt The Boss. He knows what's he doing, honest.
6. Some teachers will just not like you. It happens, I'm afraid, and nothing you can say/do will change them. The good news is, the majority are fine.
7. Don't be worried abouts sports days - you'll always find a way to wiggle out of them.
8. Start taking an interest in baseball! Yes, you only know 1 team, and they are winning everything at the moment. But that will soon change, trust me. Check out those Cubs over in Chicago if you want an interesting team to follow.
9. Something ridiculously insane will happen in 2003. It will take time to get your head around it, but it will make you grow up awfully quickly. Six years on, he's doing fine. Apart from when he's beating you up with a plastic axe.
10. Finally, in a few years time you'll think it will be cool to act aloof and be a loner. It's not. No matter what you say or do, appreciate that 6th form will be the greatest days of your life. Oh yes, you'll get to 6th form, don't worry about those exam results. All that work to establish a good reputation will be rewarded.

Blimey, all that has made me contemplative. Join me in 10 years time, when I'll be telling my 22 year old self stuff like "You really shouldn't have married her".

Live Blogging...Jools Holland #2

Hello! Unfortunately Ewar is feeling under the weather tonight (or out on the razz) so I, Merciless Public, will be taking over live blogging duties for one night only. This is my first live blogging experience so you should be excited, anything could happen. I might even do it right. 

At the moment Mark Kermode is on Newsnight Review, I don't know whether I love or hate or Kermode, I definitely have some sort of ambivalence towards him.

Morrissey is meant to be on tonight's show but he's cancelled his tour dates so I doubt this very much. I'm very disappointed about this. However to make up for this I shall be linking to other artists, you should check them out. Some of them will be laughable. 

11:26 - Kermode doing his usual 'Its a book, not a movie...I don't like it' routine. I hate him.

11:28 - Dan Brown! Dun-dun-dun. I hope Kermode and his immovable hair rip into this.

11:32 - Kermode calls 'Angels & Demons' 'the stupidest movie ever.' He's obviously never seen Freddy Got Fingered.

11:36 - Here we go. And about bloody time too. Ooh, the Lauren Laverne promo for Poetry season. Poetry is absolutely wonderful, I think. But then again, I also think Laverne is attractive and Richard Sneekes was the best player ever so make of that what you will. Line-up:

Annie Lennox; New York Dolls (I hope they play Pills); Asher Roth; Little Boots; Daniel Merriweather; Lisa Hannigan and Jon Allen.

11:40 - New York Dolls up first. Lead singer looks like a cross between Mike Read, Mick Jagger and a monkey. All the instrument holders look like twats. I'm not really enjoying this and you're listening to a man who has a NYD album. Far too country/blues-y for my liking. Bit shit really, too much fretwanking and rubbish lyrics. Alternatively try 4 Poundz

11:44 - Daniel Merriweather aka the man who, alongside Mark Ronson, caused 'Stop Me If You Think You've Heard This One Before' by The Smiths die a million deaths. I already don't like him, I don't like his style.  Now shadow boxing with the microphone. Daniel Mayweather he is not. Too much brass if you ask me. Area 15 deserve a bit more attention.

11:48 - Jools wishing Morrissey well. Probably calling him a prick under his breath.

11:50 - Some sort of electro-synth pop courtesy of Little Boots. She's missed the train by about two years, unfortunately. According to Jools she's from Blackpool, sadly she isn't a drag act. A tambourine has entered proceedings. Now we're talking, love.

11:52 - Annie Lennox. I'll take bets now on how long it takes her to mention some form of charidee. Two men in the background sniggering at Jools' interviewing technique. Jools' magic tele is back and it is showing us pictures of men in dresses. My kind of night this. 

Annie is wearing a blouse with cards on it. As in King of hearts and stuff. Maybe she's expecting a game of strip poker!?

11:57 - After a large round of Annie bumming we now have Lisa Hannigan. She's Irish, I would. Dances a bit like an inuit on fire, mind. Wow! An accordion! Not seen one of them since the gypsies over the back got 'removed.' Elbow's succes must have diminished, Guy Garvey is playing double bass, or at least someone who looks like him. She's Irish, I would. Song is a bit dull mind. You could try this instead.

12:01 - This Asher Roth dude knows how to work the crowd. I believe he's been touted as the next Eminem. By Lovejoy, I understand which is quite apt. I do my research you know. It's not a bad song to be fair to the lad, looks like two Indie boys rapping. It gets you moving. He's taking over the whole floor, this guy rules. Annie Lennox having a fit in the corner, what...you mean thats dancing? Asher Roth has owned this whole show so far. He's blown everyone out of the water. Frankie Boyle/Scott Brown look-a-like on decks.

12:05 - Here's Annie. No idea what the lyrics are, she seems to be caterwauling a bit. She's got her grubby mits on Jools' piano and she's stole a Lloyd Cole lyric. Honestly, some people. More Asher Roth, less Lennox. You want a proper solo artist, check out Steve.

12:09 - Everyone applauds Lennox and Jools less than smoothly moves on to David Johansen. He looks smashed of his face, David, not Jools. "What music was happening in the 1970's?" Shut up, Jools, please. 

12:13 - Morrissey helped reform New York Dolls!! As much as I love Morrissey, why? Why do this to us? This is karma, him doing this and then being ill on the night. We all know what a Norwegian Bachelor is now as well...a man with a lot of stuff. Interesting.

12:16 - Back to Merriweather. I've no doubt him and his vocal acrobatics will be huge. The next Daniel Beddingfield or Daniel Powter and just as boring as his two namesakes. This is super dull, a really horrible ballad. Ando no dull ballad is complete without a false ending and then a massive key change. He's just shouting now. His clothes smell like ciggies apparently, shame they aren't on fire.

12:20 - A much catchier NYD number. Better riff, bigger drums, shouty vocals. I really like this one, 'My World.' The guitarist knows that was miles better than the last.

12:23 - Some geezer called Jon Allen now. Looks a bit like a chimney sweep with an acoustic. Got a really gruff voice when he holds notes. Bit of sandpaper vocals going on. Another dull song, honestly. One for the David Gray/Scott Matthews fans amongst you.

12:26 - Little Boots churning out her more cheerier version of Goldfrapp songs. If she did something with her hair - and her music - I'd consider dating her.

12:28 - Jools hasn't tinkled the ivories yet. Even he must be afraid to make the show any more dull.

12:30 - When does this bloody finish? It's the Irish girl I'd do things too again. Not if I was in a club though and I saw her dancing, I'd steer well clear. I'm beginning to wonder if she went to the Quaker school of dancing.

12:33 - Merriweather means toilet break. If I don't return I've died of boredom.

12:38 - I'm alive and NYD are doing 'Trash.' I bloody well have this song, a night for dullards is ending quite well. I'm proper feeling the drummer he looks quite good. Here comes the Reggae breakdown!! Oh yeah! Some calypso rhythms here. The oldun's do it best, eh?

So thats all for tonight (thank God!). I've no idea how Ewar does this it was bloody hard, actually. Didn't help that the show was as dull as dishwater. If I'd have done all of last week's I'd have ripped Paolo Nutini to shreds, I promise. The credits have rolled and its time for me to go and listen to some proper music so this is me signing out.

Merciless Public

Premier League Predictions

Last week, Mark "Lawro" Lawrenson got 4 results right, with 1 perfect score. Ewarwoowar MP not only fiddled with his expenses, but got 6 results right with 1 perfect score! That gives me a win, and overall it's now Lawro 5-3 Ewarwoowar. How exciting! This weekend, there's probably a lot of rubbish games no-one cares about, so for those games I'll just give score prediction, and no insightful and witty commentary.

Man United vs Arsenal - We need a point, and a point only. I think we'll get it! 1-1

Bolton vs Hull - Hull are sliding like crazy, and have slipped into the bottom three for the first time. Bolton have nothing to play for, but neither did Stoke, and they easily beat Hull. 1-1

Everton vs West Ham - 2-0

Middlesbrough vs Aston Villa - Boro are a terrible team, and I just don't know where they're going to get goals from. Villa have gone on holiday though, so a tight home win. 1-0

Newcastle vs Fulham - Similar to the game above. I think the Toon will win, Fulham won't fancy going up there with nothing riding on it. 2-0

Stoke vs Wigan - 1-0

Tottenham vs Man City - 2-0

West Brom vs Liverpool - Title could be all over before this game takes place, which could have an impact on the result. I want WBA to win, I hope WBA win, but they won't. 1-3

Chelsea vs Blackburn - 2-0

Portsmouth vs Sunderland - 1-1

Mark Lawrenson was talking to BBC Sport's Saj Chowdhury. I was talking to Moussam, my little house-elf sitting at the end of my bed.

If you have nothing better to do tonight, join me at 23:35 tonight where I will be live-blogging "Later with Jools Holland". Tonight's rubbish include Little Boots and New York Dolls, and no doubt a bit of "boogie-woogie" piano playing from the main man himself.

Well, Fancy That!

My mother is doing the ironing in The Ginger Prince's playroom, whilst watching "Great Big British Menu" on the iPlayer. I walked in to have a quick browse of the mail (nothing for me, thankfully) and just as I was walking out, Jenni Bond shouted this out in a excited voice:

"But he's facing tough competition, from fiercely ambitious newcomer - Aidan Byrne!"

Socialist, lecturer, map twat, blogger, fencer, and now fiercely ambitious chef. Anything this man can't do?