Is this the start or the end?

Sorry folks, it's time for another Slarkie letter. This one was published last night, and I was going to ignore it, as it wasn't particularly interesting, but then the ending caught my eye. This is either the start of something interesting, or it might be the death knell for it, I'm not too sure yet.

Slarkie? The floor is yours!

Whew! The letters page of the Star gets more like Wimbledon centre court every day.

It really doesn't. I hate to be pedantic and funny here, but there is absolutely no comparison with Wimbledon centre court at all going on here. Ever. Period.

Splendid smash from Alwyn Cox. Impossible to return the spin service - the grass twists under his feet.

I see. What Slarkie is about to do here is take people who have written in recently, and use various tennis comparisons to describe them.

Like I said, this letter isn't very interesting, and I was just going to ignore it. However, if we skip about 5 paragraphs and we get to the end...

The fun goes on...

It really doesn't.

and as for the guy who wishes to use all my letters to the "Sloppy Star" as he calls it, to make a blog for himself I hope he enjoys this one!

I bet he won't. Oh, I see - you mean me. I had a sneaking suspicion that either your good self or a relative of yours had visited my blog, Slarkie. If you are reading this, I'm not using your letters to make a name for myself, really. And I analyse your letters with a smile and a rueful shake of the head, not with anger and hatred. I don't agree with your views, but that is life. Keep on writing in, please. It's just a bit of fun, innit?

You'll have to go some to catch Guido Fawkes and the fortune he's made!

This is strictly non-profit, Slarkie. And thanks for the cheap plug.

I just want to end this entry with some responses to Voley's comment he left me earlier, which you can find if you scroll down and find my last Slark-related entry.

Vole: 1) I don't think Slark is a wind-up, I just think she's a little old lady with some funny views, and might be a bit lonely and wish to share them.

2) It is certainly not me! I swear on Ana Ivanovic's life, although writing letters like that as a joke would be the kind of silly thing I would do.

3) Just because she is a Blairite, does not take away from the fact that Caroline Flint is gorgeous. Especially by MPs standards...

I really am going to cut down on the Slark stuff now, and get back to regular blogging. But I'll still be reading, Slarkie...reading...and waiting...

Guess who's back?

Back again? Slarkie's back! Tell your friends!

I said I would start to cut down on my tirades against the letters page of my local newspaper, but I just cannot resist showing you this one. Because it is NONSENSE.

I am sitting here with my blood boiling.

You okay Slarkie? Can I get you a drink? We have some chocolate digestives in the cupboard, how about I get you some with a nice cup of tea? I'll presume you have your tea with milk in it.

Whilst our troops are shot to pieces in Afghanistan our repulsive MPs are away on holiday.

Wow, okay. Let's take this slowly. First of all, massive respect to anyone in the Army, and they are a squillion times braver than I ever could be - let me make that crystal clear. HOWEVER if someone is in Afghanistan, and fighting, it is because they chose to sign up. They weren't forced to. I'm not going to get into a long discussion about the rights/wrongs of the war, but we do have to understand that people serving their country are acutely aware of the dangers of warfare, and what might happen to them. Again, kudos to them.

Secondly, not all MPs are repulsive. I've had many a lovely "twitter-convo" (I've just made that word up) with the lovely Jo Swinson (shame she's a Liberal) and I would happily share a bed with Caroline Flint. And if we move away from the shallow end of the pool - I'm sure we could name a few MPs who are vaguely okay. Vince Cable? William Hague? Hazel Ble...anyway, they're not ALL repulsive. And I think they do deserve a holiday, every now and again. What about the ones who were against the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq? You think they're repulsive as well?

Not, however, before some of them have set in motion a high court action to claw back the meagre compensation allotted to our wounded heroes.

I know what you're thinking - you're thinking that this is just going to develop into a typical letter attacking MPs and attacking the Afghanistan war. Right?

But I have an idea!

Without doubt, the most terrifying sentence ever since my head of 6th form said to me "I've got your A-Level results".

We have all seen pictures of David Beckham in his white knickers advertising Calvin Klein.

Have you ever watched The One Show? I watch it sometimes, as I like Adrian Chiles' constant misery, and I fancy the pants off Christine Bleakley. I also like what I call "The One Show change of tack" where they will be talking about something sombre ie. death, and then suddenly Chiles will clap his hands together and say "Right, eggs!"

But this, folks, is a proper "change of tack". From MPs and the Afghanistan war, to David Beckham and his bulge in some Calvin Klein pants. Don't know about you, but I'm excited! About the letter, not about the bulge. Hey, if Beckham went to war, would it be the Battle of the Bulge? (Oh, fuck off)

It's said he has signed a £20 million contract for a three-year campaign.

Slarkie, if this is a subtle little tribute to the way Clarkson introduces The Stig on Top Gear, I take back everything, and I want you to be my gran. However I doubt it is, sadly.

They call him a football hero.

I call him a silly twat who threw away legendary status at United by turning into "Brand Beckham" and pissing about in his last season for us.

There is also a fabulously evocative photograph of the really very handsome Corporal Anthony Duncan who is sitting on an ammunition box...thinking about what, one wonders?

I know this! Ask me, ask me, ask me! You're pointing at me? Cool! He was thinking about whether John Nettles is better in Bergerac or Midsomer Murders! What do I win?!

Wouldn't it be great if a perfume house patriotically decided to put under contract some of our boys to advertise their wares - a few million would help a lot to ease their injuries.

I have no idea what relevance this has with the first part of your letter. And no, it wouldn't be great. It would be a bit patronising, most people wouldn't be interested, most "perfume houses" are not British, nor would they be interested. Where would they do the photo shoots? If back here in the UK, that withdraws them for where they are needed. If done out there, not really too suitable is it? How about a "perfume house" gave a few million to fund more helicopters/ammunition/vehicles/various other stuff needed?

A quick summary - you've not really thought this through, have you?

Sitting in their dusty vehicles

Sexy!

they could be saying: "(Expletive!) When I get back home I'm looking forward to my Gucci shower," or something like that.

Not their families? Or home cooking? Or the simple fact that, at home, they might stand less chance of being "shot to pieces"? No, it's their "Gucci shower" (whatever the hell that is). Okay, cool. Still, at least the millions they make will be a consolation, when they're shot dead.

And what finer example for the military to set, than one of their guys standing around in his pants, swearing and advertising something that doesn't exist!

(End of letter)

J Wendy Slark

Oswestry

I strongly dislike you.

Enough of this bollocks

I'm annoyed, which is amusing considering Question Time is still 3 hours away. By the time it's finished, and I've been subjected to pillocks saying things like "illegal war", "Gordon Brown was not elected" and "bring back capital punishment" I'll be a snarling, enraged monster. And it's a political reason why I'm annoyed currently, because once again my local paper, The Shropshire Star, has decided to publish a letter by J Wendy Slark from Oswestry. Yeah, Slark, I'm calling you out!

J Wendy Slark has been a cancer on the Sloppy Star's letters page for many months now. Let's see what shit she has to say for herself today. What you're about to see goes as follows - Slark's letter will be in bold, my responses will be in this normal font. Apologies if there is swearing, a mere week after I told someone I would stop swearing on this blog after he showed it to his mother. HELLO LOIS! (waves)

The Braveheart who calls himself 'name and address supplied' once again says (Star, July 14th) "Our nation shamed by BNP views".

Many reasons why people send letters to papers anon. I've done it myself once. Doesn't make these people cowards, so frick off with your "Braveheart" jibe, Slark. Especially when they're not saying anything particularly controversial.

I would like to point out that this country has never been shamed by anything my family has done.

Glad to hear it. It's also irrelevant, as I believe Mr Anon was talking about the BNP, not your family? Let's stick with it...

My father is listed in the book of Flying Aces which says, quote: "A Flying Ace or fighter ace is a military aviator credited with shooting down several enemy aircraft during aerial combat..."

There's a bit more to the quote, but I'll not include it for length reasons. Funny that, though. I thought a Flying Ace was someone who was able to stick 4 peas up each of his nostrils.

He also was ordered the Military Cross and extremely extensive burns when his plane came down over France.

Congratulations to him, and he's a braver man than I ever could be. But what relevance does this have? Get on with it.

All the BNP members and supporters of an age physically fought the Germans. They are all entitled to an opinion on matters related.

I couldn't agree more! Let's have a glass of wine, eh, Slarkie? I've done you a misservice - you are absolutely right. No, hang on, there's more? Don't go a bit crazy on me now dear.

As regards the assertion that Nick Griffin and Mark Collett have not put their lives in danger in their fight for free speech for us all, truth can be found in the words of Geert Wilders on the BNP website.

Surprise surprise, that loony-bin turns up on the BNP website. So, what did he have to say? I'm looking forward to this.

The House of Lords invited him to talk to them but Jacqui Smith banned us from being able to see him. Where are our rights?

Sorry, you were meant to be talking about Mr Griffin and Mr Collett putting their lives in danger in their fight for free speech, using the words of Mr Wilders on your website. Please now do this.

If you would like to see the speech

I want to know what he said about Griffin and Collett putting their lives in danger in their fight for free speech, so I can laugh at you. You still haven't done it. Please now do this.

this brave resistance fighter

This attention-seeking, racist, crazy pillock.

made from the Land of the Free (USA) visit the site above.

Nobody has called the US that since 1904. And once again, I need to point out to you that we're patiently waiting for you to use what Mr Wilders said to (presumably) support your view that Mr Griffin and Mr Collett have put their lives in danger in their fight for free speech. You still haven't done this. Please now do this.

Mr Wilders is a very refined gentleman.

Debatable. And still not the point.

See if you think Jacqui Smith is a person to believe or are you appreciative of this man's courage and decency?

So much wrong with this I don't know where to start. Let's just simply say this - give me an example of him being courageous and decent, Slarkie. Just one.

(pause)

Oh, that's the end of your letter. Right.

It's not just this letter Slark, it's the barrels of bullshit I've read from you over the past few months. Just think how much ink and space you've used up with your misguided ramblings. I expect you'll get another letter published soon. I'll be here, Slarkie, ready and waiting. May as well bookmark this site right now, to be honest, because I'm gunning for you, you crazy fool.