I said I would start to cut down on my tirades against the letters page of my local newspaper, but I just cannot resist showing you this one. Because it is NONSENSE.
I am sitting here with my blood boiling.
You okay Slarkie? Can I get you a drink? We have some chocolate digestives in the cupboard, how about I get you some with a nice cup of tea? I'll presume you have your tea with milk in it.
Whilst our troops are shot to pieces in Afghanistan our repulsive MPs are away on holiday.
Wow, okay. Let's take this slowly. First of all, massive respect to anyone in the Army, and they are a squillion times braver than I ever could be - let me make that crystal clear. HOWEVER if someone is in Afghanistan, and fighting, it is because they chose to sign up. They weren't forced to. I'm not going to get into a long discussion about the rights/wrongs of the war, but we do have to understand that people serving their country are acutely aware of the dangers of warfare, and what might happen to them. Again, kudos to them.
Secondly, not all MPs are repulsive. I've had many a lovely "twitter-convo" (I've just made that word up) with the lovely Jo Swinson (shame she's a Liberal) and I would happily share a bed with Caroline Flint. And if we move away from the shallow end of the pool - I'm sure we could name a few MPs who are vaguely okay. Vince Cable? William Hague? Hazel Ble...anyway, they're not ALL repulsive. And I think they do deserve a holiday, every now and again. What about the ones who were against the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq? You think they're repulsive as well?
Not, however, before some of them have set in motion a high court action to claw back the meagre compensation allotted to our wounded heroes.
I know what you're thinking - you're thinking that this is just going to develop into a typical letter attacking MPs and attacking the Afghanistan war. Right?
But I have an idea!
Without doubt, the most terrifying sentence ever since my head of 6th form said to me "I've got your A-Level results".
We have all seen pictures of David Beckham in his white knickers advertising Calvin Klein.
Have you ever watched The One Show? I watch it sometimes, as I like Adrian Chiles' constant misery, and I fancy the pants off Christine Bleakley. I also like what I call "The One Show change of tack" where they will be talking about something sombre ie. death, and then suddenly Chiles will clap his hands together and say "Right, eggs!"
But this, folks, is a proper "change of tack". From MPs and the Afghanistan war, to David Beckham and his bulge in some Calvin Klein pants. Don't know about you, but I'm excited! About the letter, not about the bulge. Hey, if Beckham went to war, would it be the Battle of the Bulge? (Oh, fuck off)
It's said he has signed a £20 million contract for a three-year campaign.
Slarkie, if this is a subtle little tribute to the way Clarkson introduces The Stig on Top Gear, I take back everything, and I want you to be my gran. However I doubt it is, sadly.
They call him a football hero.
I call him a silly twat who threw away legendary status at United by turning into "Brand Beckham" and pissing about in his last season for us.
There is also a fabulously evocative photograph of the really very handsome Corporal Anthony Duncan who is sitting on an ammunition box...thinking about what, one wonders?
I know this! Ask me, ask me, ask me! You're pointing at me? Cool! He was thinking about whether John Nettles is better in Bergerac or Midsomer Murders! What do I win?!
Wouldn't it be great if a perfume house patriotically decided to put under contract some of our boys to advertise their wares - a few million would help a lot to ease their injuries.
I have no idea what relevance this has with the first part of your letter. And no, it wouldn't be great. It would be a bit patronising, most people wouldn't be interested, most "perfume houses" are not British, nor would they be interested. Where would they do the photo shoots? If back here in the UK, that withdraws them for where they are needed. If done out there, not really too suitable is it? How about a "perfume house" gave a few million to fund more helicopters/ammunition/vehicles/various other stuff needed?
A quick summary - you've not really thought this through, have you?
Sitting in their dusty vehicles
they could be saying: "(Expletive!) When I get back home I'm looking forward to my Gucci shower," or something like that.
Not their families? Or home cooking? Or the simple fact that, at home, they might stand less chance of being "shot to pieces"? No, it's their "Gucci shower" (whatever the hell that is). Okay, cool. Still, at least the millions they make will be a consolation, when they're shot dead.
And what finer example for the military to set, than one of their guys standing around in his pants, swearing and advertising something that doesn't exist!
(End of letter)
J Wendy Slark
I strongly dislike you.