No small talk. Let's rattle on through some more bonkers letters.
===========================================================
What a wonderful wedding.
As mentioned last time, I've taken these letters from papers over the last month or so. This one is from May 11th so we're on the William/Kate wedding here. I'm sure you realised that already but hey ho.
A handsome prince, an accomplished and beautiful bride. Our Queen and Prince Philip looking happy and immaculate.
I did not watch it, but from the pictures I've seen it looks that way. I'm pleased for William and Kate, I really am. Thankyou, Peter Hollingworth, for writing in this lovely letter about a lovely wedding. I like this letter a lot, so far, and as long as you don't do something mental like use the Royal Wedding to shoehorn in a criticism of the EU, I'll be with you every step of the way.
Lots of ordinary people in the congregation with foreign royalty and leaders of the Commonwealth countries - and not an EU representative in sight.
I give up, I really do. This is like the "Nick Clegg's fault" thing which went around Twitter a few months back, except this isn't tongue in cheek. This is horribly, nightmarishly real.
It's just started raining here. THAT'S YOUR FAULT, ANDRE AGASSI!
A truly British event and a day to be remembered.
So you shouldn't be moaning. By the way, wasn't Clegg there? And wasn't he an MEP?
Why can't our MPs realise it is time to change tacks and to get back with the Commonwealth we created, before Heath turned his back on it.
Bring back the Empire, what I always say. Sort out these funny chaps with a right British slap, what!
What made him want to be a good little European? Was it his own way of getting his own back on General de Gaulle who, as President of France, not only said "No" to our first application but added: "The British people will never be European". Now most under 60-year-olds think they are European - their passport tells them so.
Anyone still trying to work out the connection here between this guff and the wedding? Anyone? Bueller?
But if they look at a map they will see that the nearest point of the European continent is 22 miles from us across the sea.
I know I say this every time, but this must be the shittiest thing ever written. TWENTY TWO MILES! OH MY GOD! Can you even IMAGINE that distance? Wow, mainland Europe is SO FAR AWAY.
We can't afford the £45m plus which we give Brussels every day, nor the 70% of laws being imposed on Parliament by Brussels. Get us out. I enjoyed being British again.
Peter Hollingworth
Harborne, Birmingham
And you are writing into The Shropshire Star because......?
===========================================================
So that's why we're in Afghanistan...to kill Bin Laden.
Well, there's a number of reasons we, and others, are in Afghanistan. These reasons are valid and I completely support the troops that are out there. Bin Laden? Well, as a key member of Al Qaeda, he was always going to be in the firing line (literally). I have slight reservations about how he was removed, but I understand, with some regret, that Army boys don't mess about. In the long run his death doesn't change anything, really, but it was a powerful, highly symbolic moment.
I see, how clever. I thought it was to give democracy to the Afghan people, to control the cocaine market and put two fingers up to the Russians.
You thought right! Well done. The influx of nasty drugs from Afghanistan and it's neighbours (nudge nudge, wink wink Pakistan!) presents the biggest danger to our young people, in my opinion.
So that's why British troops have died, revenge for 9/11. I see, so Obama can be re-elected.
Dude, you've now given us six possible reasons for why we're in Afghanistan. You were correct with...I'mma say three, with the Obama thing a tad cynical but probably true.
It only took them four years to plan and execute the killing of the most wanted man in the world.
Quick summary of this letter: "It is a disgrace that troops were in Afghanistan to kill Bin Laden. What took you so long you muppets, why didn't you kill him STRAIGHT AWAY?!"
I know we should have invaded Zimbabwe and got rid of dictators. Not played up to them like Libya, Pakistan and most of the Middle East.
I've addressed this before, so I shan't again. But, John, please please please tell me how we could have/can invade Zimbabwe. Please do!
Clue: You can't.
Yet we must obey our masters, the Americans. They know best.
John R Brown
Shrewsbury
I dealt with you last time - I remember the name. Will have to keep an eye on you.
===========================================================
Now is the time for the Conservatives to demand Mr Cameron call an election.
?????????????????
It is quite obvious that this country can no longer be governed by a coalition.
?????????????????
We must remove Mr Clegg and his Lib Dems. No more immigration. No more EU. No more windmills.
GT Inwood
Shrewsbury
Fuck windmills. I'm serious.
I was stopped by a man in the street the other day, doing a survey on the threats of society. On his list of options he had: Drugs, climate change, terrorism, global pandemic, nuclear weaponry, the EU (naturally). I realised then that he was a complete amateur.
"Windmills" I softly said to him, as I handed his clipboard back to him without ticking any of the boxes. "Windmills" I repeated, before turning and slowly walking away.
===========================================================
One more letter for you now, and I've deliberately left this one till last. If anyone has ANY idea what the living fuck this is all about, please, leave a comment below. If you can, you're a better person than I am. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you....this.
One has often wondered how Dr Samuel Johnson, the eminent lexicographer, managed to compile the wonderful dictionary.
This is a very fair point - seriously. When you sit and think about it, what a staggering achievement. How DID he do it? It's a real shame that when I see his name, I automatically think of Robbie Coltrane and that Blackadder (III?) episode, instead of the man himself and his fine, fine achievement.
The term happiness is a state of mind and the word utopia enters our picture.
The term 'happiness' is a state of mind....okay, right....and the word 'utopia' enters our picture...
Not entirely sure about the second bit, but go on.
Numerous citizens "ate" political correctness as a base for a form of reasoning, drawing comparisons to the days before New Labour's Human Rights Act - a misconception surely?
Emyr Davies
Wrexham
Is it me? Am I being thick, and just not getting that?
I've read that letter about 15 times, and I'm still none the wiser. Congratulations Emyr, you've silenced me. Answers in the comment box please.
Showing posts with label John R Brown. Show all posts
Showing posts with label John R Brown. Show all posts
Thursday, 16 June 2011
Friday, 3 June 2011
Writers Gonna Write!
Dear readers,
Something truly staggering has happened. Over the past few weeks, my local paper The Sloppy Star has been inundated with bafflingly barmy letters - and I mean inundated. I don't use the "I" word lightly, don't you worry about that. Now, if you're a long term reader you'll know all about the letters page and the bonkers correspondents, but in the past few weeks the volume of said scribblings has increased dramatically. It's actually quite awe-inspiring, but also rather fucking scary. In one particular edition, there were eight stupid letters to marvel at. 8! EIGHT! IN ONE PAPER! That's....I mean....wow.
I like to be a good and responsible blogger, so every letter of the magical variety I saw, I saved the paper. Thus my room now looks like the awkward bit in your local library where they stockpile old newspapers, but it's these sacrifices I make which enables this blog, TRAROTL, to once again retain it's crown as Britain's Most Beloved Blog, as voted for by Blogger Insider magazine readers*.
I've lost count of how many letters I have to analyse for your reading pleasure, but I suspect it's getting close to 20 now. Naturally I shan't be covering them all in this blog entry - I'll spread them out over the next...say...3 years or so, but before I drown in print, let us make a start.
*May or may not be real.
==========================================================
Calm down dear it's only a Coalition which is falling apart.
Not really. Not yet.
"How can I stay in power?" said Cameron. "I know, we'll have a vote."
Hmmm?
AV, first past the post or name out of a hat. "Name out of the hat", that's the one said Cameron, "My name on every vote," said Cameron. A wonderful idea, dear.
John R Brown
Shrewsbury
A promising start, I think we can agree?
==========================================================
At the time of writing this letter, there is much confusion as to whether Osama Bin Laden is dead or not.
This letter is taken from The Shropshire Star of May 9th, 2011, exactly one week after Bin Laden was shot and killed by US military. There wasn't any confusion about Bin Laden's status then, nor is there now. Dead, isn't he? As dead as a Dido.
Dodo.
There is much finger pointing at other countries involved, including Pakistan and it can soon escalate into another war. I am not aware of the procedure in other countries, but it may be a useful exercise to ascertain if there have been any children registered with a bin Laden as the father in recent years since 2002.
This is unintentional genius.
Nurse: "Do we have a name for the father, to put on the birth certificate?"
Mother: "Bin Laden. Osama."
Nurse: "How lovely. And what does Mr Bin Laden do?"
Mother: "International terrorist, warlord and overseer of a violent and fundamentalist group consisting of a multinational, stateless Sunni army which strives for global Jihad."
Nurse: "I'll just put 'Political Campaigner' on the document itself, so I will!"
That conversation took place in Ireland, judging by the last sentence.
I am saying this because there have been reports of his death since then.
Which were false.
Speaking of which, there should be a death certificate issued. However, like Barack Obama's birth certificate, it could take up to three years to find.
Trevor Mytton
Shrewsbury
Sigh. http://www.snopes.com/politics/obama/birthcertificate.asp
==========================================================
In the first-past-the-post contest of female hats at the royal wedding, Mrs Cameron was the clear winner.
Letter taken from Tuesday May 10th, so you can see that, much like the first letter, these unfunny idiots are taking every opportunity they can take to crowbar in references to the AV vote of a few days previous.
Her choice was original and outstanding. The PM has real class for a wife.
I should hope so, considering her background which is, shall we say, "privileged".
Fred Phipps
Minsterley
That's it? Seriously?
Look, I'm no expert on writing letters, but I can't help thinking that a letter into The Shropshire Star, lest we forget, should at least try and cover a minimum of one of these areas:
1) Something about Shropshire
2) Something of national interest
3) Something which contributes to an ongoing debate/issue, either locally or nationally
4) Something amusing
5) Something interesting
With that in mind, I'd mark Fred's letter as 0/50. Quite some achievement.
Let's have one more for now. I think I can cope with one more as long as it isn't from my long-term arch nemesis, Val Duncan.
==========================================================
The Greek bailout...get a life.
Oh Val. This relationship is only going to end one way, I fear - a duel to the death at Reichenbach Falls. A nice literary reference there for my highly sophisticated readership.
Do you really believe "we are reluctant, but we will do it anyway" will cut any ice?
Sorry....me? Me personally? Well, Val, errm...well I suppose that's just the way it is, isn't it? They use the Euro, so I suppose it's financially sensible for the other Euro using nations to buck them up a bit. But thanks for asking, appreciate it.
You are on a slippery slope to nowhere.
Fucking hell, that was just an opinion off the top of my head. Lay off a bit eh?
Think about it.
Right.
Major is an irrelevant force.
Major? Wait....JOHN Major? John Major, Prime Minister between 1990-1997? Are you....what?
Blair is toxic.
Tony Bliar - he lies about EVERYTHING - is "toxic". WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?
Brown is toxic.
You've done that one.
Clegg is toxic.
Everybody is "toxic". We get it. This is like a karaoke rendition of Britney's song "Toxic", only sung by a xenophobic lunatic.
Miliband is a national joke.
I think this is a tad harsh. Nevertheless, WHAT in the name of bejesus are you talking about? What is your point Val?
Now the country has its sights set on Cameron.
?????????????????
All of them are leaders who sold their country out - they trashed our laws and imported foreign laws illegally.
After a slow and bizarre start, Val has settled down and has resorted to her safe ground - the EU is shit, we should tell Europe to fuck off, foreign laws blah blah blah. She'll carry on this theme for a little while longer.
They wrecked the economy and sold everything off to Europe. They got us involved in unwanted (and expensive) wars. They sold off our gold reserves. They gave money we didn't have to countries with more reserves than we have and fed the insatiable EU. They bailed out a currency we didn't use. They gave money to educate foreign children while putting our students in debt. All of them are traitors to the British people.
Vintage Val! But here comes an odd change of tack.
The country has sussed out what is going on, just look how the last party leaders were got in.
This is a very odd statement, but luckily Val doesn't just ditch it and move on, she proceeds to dig herself a big hole in trying to explain it. We're going in, folks!
Clegg was pushed onto the dumb Lib Dems. It took the Communist unions to push Miliband into place. And it took AV to put Cameron in over David Davis.
Right.
a) Nick Clegg wasn't exactly "pushed onto" the Liberal Democrats. He stood against Chris Huhne in an election determined by party members.
b) I dislike trade unions - a debate for another day - but to describe them as 'Communist' is facile. Mind you, it is a shame they interfered in that election. If they hadn't voted in Miliband, just think! The leader would have been....Miliband.
c) The Conservatives do not use AV in their leader elections. You are an idiot and I hate you.
Let's move on!
All of them were placed to weaken and destroy their parties and the country for an EU takeover.
Long term readers will understand that this isn't satire - that Val isn't a comic creation dreamt up by a mate of mine, or myself. It COULD be a wind-up - if it is, it's sensational. I fear it isn't though.
Only the party faithful are too dumb to see it. The rest of the country are far more intelligent.
At this point I, and I suspect you, are thinking "Let's wrap it up now eh Val love?". Not yet my friends, she's got more!
But the country will redress the balance and when it is ready it will pull down the coalition and vote an anti-EU party into power. Look around, it's already starting to happen across Europe and it will happen here. The EU is a busted flush and the country will make sure all of you fall along with it unless we get a vote to come out of the EU. You can't win this one...
Back to me again, are we?
600 against 60 million is very poor odds.
600? I'm going to assume Val is meaning MPs here, of which there are 649 currently sitting in the House of Commons. But thinking about it, trying to assume anything Val Duncan means is an exercise in futility - her mind is a strange ol' place after all.
The country has a long memory and a sharp sense of justice. It will take its revenge, be sure of it.
Val fucking Duncan
Telford
Until next time, you deranged nut.
Something truly staggering has happened. Over the past few weeks, my local paper The Sloppy Star has been inundated with bafflingly barmy letters - and I mean inundated. I don't use the "I" word lightly, don't you worry about that. Now, if you're a long term reader you'll know all about the letters page and the bonkers correspondents, but in the past few weeks the volume of said scribblings has increased dramatically. It's actually quite awe-inspiring, but also rather fucking scary. In one particular edition, there were eight stupid letters to marvel at. 8! EIGHT! IN ONE PAPER! That's....I mean....wow.
I like to be a good and responsible blogger, so every letter of the magical variety I saw, I saved the paper. Thus my room now looks like the awkward bit in your local library where they stockpile old newspapers, but it's these sacrifices I make which enables this blog, TRAROTL, to once again retain it's crown as Britain's Most Beloved Blog, as voted for by Blogger Insider magazine readers*.
I've lost count of how many letters I have to analyse for your reading pleasure, but I suspect it's getting close to 20 now. Naturally I shan't be covering them all in this blog entry - I'll spread them out over the next...say...3 years or so, but before I drown in print, let us make a start.
*May or may not be real.
==========================================================
Calm down dear it's only a Coalition which is falling apart.
Not really. Not yet.
"How can I stay in power?" said Cameron. "I know, we'll have a vote."
Hmmm?
AV, first past the post or name out of a hat. "Name out of the hat", that's the one said Cameron, "My name on every vote," said Cameron. A wonderful idea, dear.
John R Brown
Shrewsbury
A promising start, I think we can agree?
==========================================================
At the time of writing this letter, there is much confusion as to whether Osama Bin Laden is dead or not.
This letter is taken from The Shropshire Star of May 9th, 2011, exactly one week after Bin Laden was shot and killed by US military. There wasn't any confusion about Bin Laden's status then, nor is there now. Dead, isn't he? As dead as a Dido.
Dodo.
There is much finger pointing at other countries involved, including Pakistan and it can soon escalate into another war. I am not aware of the procedure in other countries, but it may be a useful exercise to ascertain if there have been any children registered with a bin Laden as the father in recent years since 2002.
This is unintentional genius.
Nurse: "Do we have a name for the father, to put on the birth certificate?"
Mother: "Bin Laden. Osama."
Nurse: "How lovely. And what does Mr Bin Laden do?"
Mother: "International terrorist, warlord and overseer of a violent and fundamentalist group consisting of a multinational, stateless Sunni army which strives for global Jihad."
Nurse: "I'll just put 'Political Campaigner' on the document itself, so I will!"
That conversation took place in Ireland, judging by the last sentence.
I am saying this because there have been reports of his death since then.
Which were false.
Speaking of which, there should be a death certificate issued. However, like Barack Obama's birth certificate, it could take up to three years to find.
Trevor Mytton
Shrewsbury
Sigh. http://www.snopes.com/politics/obama/birthcertificate.asp
==========================================================
In the first-past-the-post contest of female hats at the royal wedding, Mrs Cameron was the clear winner.
Letter taken from Tuesday May 10th, so you can see that, much like the first letter, these unfunny idiots are taking every opportunity they can take to crowbar in references to the AV vote of a few days previous.
Her choice was original and outstanding. The PM has real class for a wife.
I should hope so, considering her background which is, shall we say, "privileged".
Fred Phipps
Minsterley
That's it? Seriously?
Look, I'm no expert on writing letters, but I can't help thinking that a letter into The Shropshire Star, lest we forget, should at least try and cover a minimum of one of these areas:
1) Something about Shropshire
2) Something of national interest
3) Something which contributes to an ongoing debate/issue, either locally or nationally
4) Something amusing
5) Something interesting
With that in mind, I'd mark Fred's letter as 0/50. Quite some achievement.
Let's have one more for now. I think I can cope with one more as long as it isn't from my long-term arch nemesis, Val Duncan.
==========================================================
The Greek bailout...get a life.
Oh Val. This relationship is only going to end one way, I fear - a duel to the death at Reichenbach Falls. A nice literary reference there for my highly sophisticated readership.
Do you really believe "we are reluctant, but we will do it anyway" will cut any ice?
Sorry....me? Me personally? Well, Val, errm...well I suppose that's just the way it is, isn't it? They use the Euro, so I suppose it's financially sensible for the other Euro using nations to buck them up a bit. But thanks for asking, appreciate it.
You are on a slippery slope to nowhere.
Fucking hell, that was just an opinion off the top of my head. Lay off a bit eh?
Think about it.
Right.
Major is an irrelevant force.
Major? Wait....JOHN Major? John Major, Prime Minister between 1990-1997? Are you....what?
Blair is toxic.
Tony Bliar - he lies about EVERYTHING - is "toxic". WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?
Brown is toxic.
You've done that one.
Clegg is toxic.
Everybody is "toxic". We get it. This is like a karaoke rendition of Britney's song "Toxic", only sung by a xenophobic lunatic.
Miliband is a national joke.
I think this is a tad harsh. Nevertheless, WHAT in the name of bejesus are you talking about? What is your point Val?
Now the country has its sights set on Cameron.
?????????????????
All of them are leaders who sold their country out - they trashed our laws and imported foreign laws illegally.
After a slow and bizarre start, Val has settled down and has resorted to her safe ground - the EU is shit, we should tell Europe to fuck off, foreign laws blah blah blah. She'll carry on this theme for a little while longer.
They wrecked the economy and sold everything off to Europe. They got us involved in unwanted (and expensive) wars. They sold off our gold reserves. They gave money we didn't have to countries with more reserves than we have and fed the insatiable EU. They bailed out a currency we didn't use. They gave money to educate foreign children while putting our students in debt. All of them are traitors to the British people.
Vintage Val! But here comes an odd change of tack.
The country has sussed out what is going on, just look how the last party leaders were got in.
This is a very odd statement, but luckily Val doesn't just ditch it and move on, she proceeds to dig herself a big hole in trying to explain it. We're going in, folks!
Clegg was pushed onto the dumb Lib Dems. It took the Communist unions to push Miliband into place. And it took AV to put Cameron in over David Davis.
Right.
a) Nick Clegg wasn't exactly "pushed onto" the Liberal Democrats. He stood against Chris Huhne in an election determined by party members.
b) I dislike trade unions - a debate for another day - but to describe them as 'Communist' is facile. Mind you, it is a shame they interfered in that election. If they hadn't voted in Miliband, just think! The leader would have been....Miliband.
c) The Conservatives do not use AV in their leader elections. You are an idiot and I hate you.
Let's move on!
All of them were placed to weaken and destroy their parties and the country for an EU takeover.
Long term readers will understand that this isn't satire - that Val isn't a comic creation dreamt up by a mate of mine, or myself. It COULD be a wind-up - if it is, it's sensational. I fear it isn't though.
Only the party faithful are too dumb to see it. The rest of the country are far more intelligent.
At this point I, and I suspect you, are thinking "Let's wrap it up now eh Val love?". Not yet my friends, she's got more!
But the country will redress the balance and when it is ready it will pull down the coalition and vote an anti-EU party into power. Look around, it's already starting to happen across Europe and it will happen here. The EU is a busted flush and the country will make sure all of you fall along with it unless we get a vote to come out of the EU. You can't win this one...
Back to me again, are we?
600 against 60 million is very poor odds.
600? I'm going to assume Val is meaning MPs here, of which there are 649 currently sitting in the House of Commons. But thinking about it, trying to assume anything Val Duncan means is an exercise in futility - her mind is a strange ol' place after all.
The country has a long memory and a sharp sense of justice. It will take its revenge, be sure of it.
Val fucking Duncan
Telford
Until next time, you deranged nut.
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