Wednesday, 3 February 2010


You buy one, you get one free! I SAID, you buy one, you get one free!!

Remember that advert? I bloody hated it. Anyway, Monday's Sloppy Star saw two rather splendid letters - one from an old friend, and the other from a new, inexperienced rookie. Let's tackle the first one first (funnily enough) and welcome the latest effort from dear Val Duncan:

Re. my story about our royalty and I use the word "royalty" loosely because we have no Queen.

We don't? Who's that old woman who lectures me at about 3pm every Christmas Day then? I demand to know who this woman actually is.

On the signing of the Lisbon Treaty, we have become a state (county) of Europe and as a state we are a small part of a larger entity ie. Europe. Counties cannot have a monarch; can we have a queen of Yorkshire, a queen of Hereford, perhaps?

I lived on the South Coast for 12 years. There's plenty of fucking queens in Brighton, let me tell you.

Let us look at our German royalty, family name Saxe-Coburg changed to Windsor because it sounded more British. But if you know modern history you will know the strong relationship with Germany. Edward the Eighth was a friend of Adolph (sic) Hitler and was willing to surrender Britain to Nazi Germany as long as he could keep his royal status.

YES! "Ego" by The Saturdays is on Spotify. I love this shit.

Elizabeth Saxe-Coburg


walked the streets of London and saw the devastation and pain the British people endured to fight for freedom and independence, then proceeded to sign six treaties to sell out our independence, laws and liberties to a Franco-German EU.

Don't tell me that its time for going need to knock some sense into your ego!

(does some weird dance moves)

Sorry, I realise this isn't like my usual cutting, scathing ripostes, but if she's going to list a big fat load of irrelevance than so am I.

Blair, Brown and co.

Please, Val! I think you'll find it's spelt "Bliar", as he lied about everything.

betrayed us big time and pulled this country to its knees, but at least Brown only signed one treaty. The Queen signed six.

Interesting, considering you've already said that we're not a country anymore, and that we have no Queen.

Maybe since she likes Europe so much she should go and live there with her Greek husband. I'm sure they have a palace or two they could provide her with.

Senseless, twisted, bitter, racist, deluded ramblings. Talking of which, let's have a look at the second letter of our double bill. Good evening, John R Brown of Shrewsbury!

We've sold Cadbury's to America. There's little left. Why not solve some of our money problems? Sell the Royals. A photo of Mickey Mouse with the Queen and guest. You'll make a fortune.

Will the last one to leave the UK please turn out the light.

End of letter.

I don't really know what to say about this, to be honest. I'm just going to presume it's a shot at humour, and not someone thinking that Cadbury's now belonging to Kraft spells the end of the UK, and that we should all emigrate instantly.

However, thinking about it, maybe he has a point, and so I've just booked my flight to Boston.

So long, suckers!

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