PLEASE. DO NOT VOTE FOR THESE PEOPLE.

In my last blog entry, a few days ago, I said I was a bit busy and didn't have much time to blog. However I've just seen something, and I can't just leave it. I physically cannot do that - I absolutely have to blog about it. This is just...well, see for yourselves.

0:08 Ah, good, some wholly unnecessary footage from World War II. Only 65 years ago now! Wow, this bodes well for the rest.

I have no fucking idea about the thing of Marmite, by the way. If anyone does know, and can enlighten me, please let me know, I'm curious. I can only think it's because Marmite plays upon their "you either love us or hate us" image, and the BNP feels the same way about itself?

0:34 "I have four beautiful children." They've taken after their mother then, clearly.

0:47 That plainly isn't true, is it? As I type, the man from ITN News at 10 is standing outside Westminster. Sorry! I mean, Islamaminster.

1:00 I like the idea that the BNP are portraying that if they were a party in the House of Commons, NONE of their MPs would have been fiddling the system in anyway, and would be all squeaky clean, and whiter than whi....hmm, well, ignore that last bit.

1:08 Pensioners dying in winter! Whatever next! I have NEVER heard of that happening before.

1:26 "Our boys and girls are sent to fight a war that has nothing to do with British interests."

Oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god. I shouldn't really be angry about this, as these people are clearly morons, but I am. Part of the reason why our troops are in Afghanistan is to fight the war on drugs - the exact same drugs that are imported into this country and which kill thousands of our young people every year. That is EVERYTHING to do with British interests.

Another reason why they are out there is to try and combat Al Qaeda, a very wealthy terrorist organisation responsible for some of the most sickening events of recent years. I don't know how many British people died on September 11th, but if only ONE did, than fighting this fight, once again, has EVERYTHING to do with British interests.

I haven't articulated that as well as I would like, as I'm tired and angry. Let's just simply sum up their thoughts on Afghanistan with - they're stupid.

1:32 "We don't hate anyone!" LOL.

1:33 "But we do love Britain, and we, like you, are angry that politicians have let immigration wreck our country."

First of all, you do not speak for me, you bunch of cunts.

I was born in Britain. Shoreham-by-Sea, West Sussex, as a matter of fact. I am British, always have been, and always will be, and I am proud to be. But that doesn't mean I'm stupid enough to fall into your uber-patriotic, nationalistic xenophobic bullshit. Is illegal immigration a problem? Yes, and I don't think anyone would deny that. Is it "wreck(ing) our country"? No it isn't. Oh, it's an issue, sure, but claiming that the whole country has gone down the pan because of immigration is absurd.

1:43 "What would our war heroes think if they could see Britain today?"

I dunno, maybe they would like the increased multi-cultural society? Maybe they would like the democratic system that enables you, no matter how stupid you are, to have a voice? Maybe they would wonder why they spent so much time and energy battling racists like you? And I'm loving your reverence towards Churchill as well, considering that he was a massive racist just like you.

1:54 What does this "second class citizen" bullshit mean? I don't wake up every morning and think "Oh, fucking hell.....another day of being a second class citizen under Labour!" It's a line that's trotted out all the time by the BNP, but what on Earth do they mean? And does anyone actually fall for it?

2:17 I've talked about this before, but I really cannot understand the hatred of Europe that goes on nowadays. I like Europe - it has far nicer cities than England, far nicer people, far hotter women, far better food. I don't foam at the mouth and recoil in horror whenever anyone mentions the word "Europe" or even "the EU". Again, it's spreading fear, and hate, to anyone gullible enough to believe this bollocks. I wouldn't have thought that anyone would fall for it, but having listened to the conversation from two youths on the train today, I'm suddenly a little concerned. They were two white British youths by the way, and I've spoken to foreigners who can speak far better English than they could.

2:26 I've got a feeling you're reading that off a card, love.

2:40 "It was us pensioners that built this country!"

Fucking hell - how old are you?! And he is CLEARLY reading that, fucking hell.

2:57 Alright guvnor? I'm a fackin' sleazebusta, and I'm propa nawty! I'll shit you up my son!

3:55 Shit, sorry, I take it all back. It's not because he's a racist, it's because the media people attack Nick Griffin because he refuses to "toe their politically correct line". How could we not realise?

3:58 "Remember Question Time?!"

What, when you got smacked down by a Jewish boy, amongst others? Yes, yes I do.

4:23 Ending with a tagline, accompanied by a rousing piece of music, that has just reminded me of Dave Benson-Phillips. Fair play on that one. Still, he is a black man, so that's unfortunate.

To everyone reading this - in May we have a General Election. To be honest, I don't give a fuck who you vote for - just please don't vote for the BNP. It's late at night, and I'm tired, and I'm angry, so I've not been able to articulate myself as well as I would have liked. But I'm trusting you, a good and decent person, to watch the video for yourself and to think for yourself - to recognise that these people are stupid retards who are nothing more than the modern day version of the National Front and all the other horrible racist organisations that have disgraced our country.

Please don't ever fall for their tricks. I'll leave you with one more video - watch it.

The Importance of Being Kind

Hullo all. I have 3 things to direct at you in this here blog entry today.

1) Thanks for all your comments about the leadership debate live-blog. It got quite a few readers away from "the regulars" as well, so despite it's challenging nature it was well worth doing. I shan't be live-blogging the other two, but I'm sure I'll cast my eye over them.

As I mentioned at the time, I think it's safe to say that Nick Clegg was the clear winner of the debate, however it's worth taking a step back before you go rushing off to proclaim your love for the Lib Dems. They are the party that will get rid of Trident, which is wrong. They would legalise lots of nasty drugs, which is batshit insane. They opposed Iraq, which I think is wrong (but lets not have that debate right now) and lots of other silly things. A vote for them might go some way to stop the Tories getting in however, so it's a tricky one.

I think if in doubt, just go for Labour and hope for the best.

2) I'm afraid after this blog entry I'll be taking another little blogging break. It's getting to the "business end" of the uni year now and I really need to knuckle down and try and salvage something from the year. I'll still be knocking around, just won't be updating this as much as I (hopefully) will be throughout the summer. I've also got some other stuff on that I need to pay my full attention to, so time-wasting on my blog is not really an option at the moment.

3) Before I leave you in peace however, I just want to give you a gentle prod in the direction of www.postpals.co.uk. So many of us (and I absolutely include myself in this statement) moan about things. Small things. Trivial things. Things which, really, shouldn't concern us that much. Shouldn't concern us at all.

I have to go to the dentist later, for a check-up, and last night I moaned about that - having to go "all the way" to Priorslee for a 5 minute check-up and then go "all the way" back home again. Heartbreaking, I'm sure you'll agree.

Afterwards however I was alerted to Postpals, and whilst reading I began to cry. Because for the parents of a terminally ill young child, suffering from some awful condition I've never heard of and never want to hear of, they have a right to moan. They have a right to say "Why me?" or "Why us?". I don't, when I moan about a train being late by 5 minutes, or getting the wrong flavour milkshake at McDonalds. I don't, at all.

So many charities and organisations nowadays want your money, simple as. Postpals don't though - they ask you to send a card or a letter to a sick child. Not for any financial reward or gain in anyway, other than hopefully making someone worse off than you smile. If you can't be bothered to even do that, you can e-mail or sign an online guestbook. It's as much for the parents and any siblings as it is for the child itself, and I think it's a fabulous idea. Just a 5 minute read will make you stop and think about things.

I'm going to be taking time out a bit later to write to someone on there, and I hope you join me in doing so. Thanks.

Gentlemen, Let's Talk...

19:44 Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to my blog for a special live-blogging entry focusing on the leaders debate that is taking place tonight. I'm your host, Ewar Woowar, and tonight I shall be offering my opinions on what is, as the kids say, "occurring".

If I get the time, and my trusty associate Dan is on MSN, I'll also be relaying some tweets from people about the debate. If you're reading this, you too can join in the fun! Tweet me at @ewarwoowar86 with something funny/interesting about the debate and I'll endeavour to put it up on here. Shit man, we're going interactive!

19:54 Now that I've introduced myself, it's time to introduce the protagonists.

In the RED corner - Our Supreme Leader, Gordon Brown. The hard man from Scotland, Gordon is looking to preserve his place as Prime Minister. To do so, you can't help thinking he'll need a good night tonight. You also can't help thinking that's unlikely.

In the BLUE corner - David "Dave" Cameron. The man who your Granny would see on the TV and say "Oooh, isn't he a nice man?" - David is the leader of the Conservatives, as well as being married to the towering monolith that is "SamCam". He is the bookies favourite to not only "win" this debate, but also to win the election.

In the YELLOW(?) corner - Nick Clegg. He is a Liberal Democrat. They elected him as their leader, as Vince Cable was too busy being a National Treasure. Clegg is in a good position tonight, as at least 3m people will turn on to watch the debate, turn to their partner and say "Who's he then?!" and at the very least get some exposure.

Moderating - Alastair Stewart. He would like to be known as being a presenter on News at 10. I know him as the guy who was sacked from the splendid "Police! Camera! Action!" show, for drink-driving.

20:06 20 minutes to go, and I imagine that the contenders are feeling pretty nervous right now. Hell, I'm nervous for them. Hey, did anyone see the look our Dark Lord Mandelson gave Nick Robinson today when he asked Brown a slightly amusing question? It was splendid.

20:09 Who put this fucking fork here?!

20:10 The odds from William Hill in terms of the public's winner:

David Cameron - 5/6

Nick Clegg - 15/8

Gordon Brown - 7/2

20:13 Okay, the debate is 17 minutes away. I'm just going to take a brief time-out, and get some snacks and drinks ready, as this promises to be an exhilarating night.

Oh, by the way - if you're expecting heavyweight politics from me tonight, forget that right now. The very nature of live-blogging means that I'm strapped for time, so I tend to rush out any old nonsense, and I'm certainly not into politics the way others are. Let me put it this way - I'm essentially trying to make this whole thing seem vaguely humorous. It won't be easy, but stay with me.

20:20 A packet of Wotsits and a can of Coke. I know you were wondering.

20:30 Oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god!

20:32 We're starting late. Boooooo.

20:33 Alastair Stewart's tie is fucking atrocious.

20:35 How interesting, we're starting with "opening statements" which I wasn't expecting. Clegg = good. Brown = rambling about the economy. Cameron = "we're in this together" blah blah.

20:37 It's Gerard Oliver, a retired toxicologist!

20:40 David Cameron wants to lower immigration? Easy - get rid of those Gurkhas!

(joke)

20:42 "I keep on waiting for Henry Kelly to run out and shout 'Who Am I?'" - Emma Kennedy, @EmmaK67.

That's a reference to the fact that the set looks a bit...err.....dated.

20:48 I'm liking David Cameron addressing the person asking the question by their name. Yes, I'm impressed by the little things.

20:52 Blimey.

20:55 Interesting tie situation - Gordon Brown has plumped for a pink tie, and not a red one. A desperate attempt at the gay vote?

20:56 BROWN THROWS IN A COMMENT ABOUT LORD ASHCROFT! Boom, headshot.

20:58 Goodness, Alastair Stewart is dreadful. Now, next question...it's Helen Ellwood who runs a pub!

21:02 I think Cameron is on the ropes here, you know! Not really helped by his earlier comment of "I met a black man a few days ago".

21:06 Alastair Stewart is absolutely woeful. "MR CLEGG! MR CLEGG!" hollering like a teacher who has lost his class. Dreadful.

21:08 NICK CLEGG LAYING THE SMACKDOWN ABOUT MPs EXPENSES!

21:09 Stewart apologises for making a mistake. I cannot stress just how bad he is.

21:09 WE HAVE A JEW! We have a Jew asking a question!

21:13 Apparently this Jewish kid has been on Question Time before.

21:15 Nick Clegg is winning this, y'know! Sorry I can't go deeper than that currently, but he is, trust me.

21:16 Betting in running:

David Cameron - 4/5

Nick Clegg - 13/8

Gordon Brown - 9/2

21:23 "The economy question. We're right at the heart of this election. This is the serious bit. Then we see the candidates in swimwear." - Armando Iannucci, @Alannucci.

21:29 David Cameron is splendid at talking a lot, and saying nothing.

21:33 "After some consideration, I think ITV should have stuck with the original Paddy McGuinness/Take Me Out format for this." - Nat Coombs, @NatCoombs.

21:36 Make no mistake - Tony Blair would have shat on all of these tonight. Not literally.

21:41 David Cameron's notes.

21:44 ITV Poll:

Clegg 51%

Brown 31%

Cameron 18%

I completely agree, Clegg is winning this.

21:45 "Apparently Cameron met a black man. You'll pardon me for not considering that a coherent immigration policy." - Ben Judge, @benjaminjudge.

21:51 Last 10 minutes. I'll be honest, this has been a real trudge - no advert breaks, 90 minutes solid of debating. Well, not debating, more trotting out some party rhetoric and then throwing in an anecdote about someone they've met out and about on the campaign trail.

21:52 WE HAVE A TRAIN DRIVER FROM ACCRINGTON!

21:56 Final few minutes. It's been emotional, folks. Hang on....this is only Debate 1 out of 3?! ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

22:00 Oooh, closing statements!

22:04 You know who we need to end this debate? Yes, that's correct.

22:06 In the words of wrestling commentator Jim "JR" Ross - "Bah Gawd, it's over!" A slightly eggy moment at the end there where Brown went to shake hands with audience members, where Clegg and Cameron just stood on the platform like lemons.

22:17 I'm not going to lie - that has left me absolutely shattered. Good luck to whoever wishes to live-blog the other two debates, because it won't be me, that's for sure.

Thanks for all the readers who have read along with me tonight, and the comments so far. God speed to you all - I'm off to bed.

Are You Joking, Love?

I found this video a few weeks ago, and it was so hideous that I bookmarked it, and then promptly forgot about it. I've just been trawling through my bookmarks however, trying to find stuff I want to keep to blog about in the near future, and I've found it again.

I honestly don't know whether this girl is taking the piss, or whether she's just the worst singer since that Anastasia woman. Have a watch, bear it for as long as you can, and then see what you think:

Here's how to do it, as demonstrated by a rather cute American, and then Dickie herself:

Election Problems

Happy Easter period to you all.

If, like me, you are scratching your head over the upcoming General Election, you've probably got nits. Or it might be because, like me, you are unsure who to vote for.

Nevertheless, help is at hand. A few days ago I was alerted to the website http://voteforpolicies.org.uk which essentially cuts the "personality" crap away from politics and politicians and focuses on the policies and issues at hand. To take part yourself, start up the survey, select all 9 areas of interest, and go through them one-by-one, taking time to read the options and think things through clearly, before selecting the one you most agree with. The survey does take a wee while to complete, but like I said, if you are genuinely unsure who to vote for at the election, it's a handy little guide for you, and well worth doing.

But before you toddle off to do that yourselves, I'm guessing you want to know my results. Let me just say, I am ashamed with myself:

Here's the breakdown of your results

• Labour 44.44%
• Green Party 33.33%
• Lib Dems 22.22%

Crime	Labour
Democracy	Green Party
Economy	Green Party
Education	Green Party
Environment	Labour
Europe	Lib Dems
Health / NHS	Labour
Immigration	Lib Dems
Welfare	Labour

Based on your answers it looks like you should be voting for Labour in the next general election.

On the plus side - didn't select any policies from the Tories, the BNP or UKIP. On the negative side...eurgh. Might still just go ahead and vote for The Greens again.

Getting to Know You

Hullo. I don't really have anything to blog about,and I'm bored, so I thought I would try something a little different. Every Saturday my parents buy The Guardian. I don't know why, and I've tried my hardest to persuade them not to. However, the magazine that comes with The Guardian on Saturday is a majestic work of art, and every week I tear through it, laughing my head off.

From Tim Dowling, a man bordering on the edge of a breakdown, to the strangely cute Lucy Mangan and her Tory Boy. From the fiendishly difficult Quiz to the splendid Your Pictures segment. And to the best bit of the whole mag - the Ask the Experts section, which if nothing else is the perfect stereotype of everything I hate about The Guardian and it's readership. The other week - and I wish I was joking, I really do - someone wrote in asking if there was any way they could stop their vol-au-vents sliding around on a serving tray. Exactly.

ANYWAY there's another feature in the mag where they conduct a Q and A with a celeb, and I thought that it might be a good idea to take their questions and give you, my dear reader, my own answers. Think of this as like me giving you a prep sheet about myself before we go on a date. This might work, it might not - but let's give it a whirl.

Son of a Lancashire baker, Ewar Woowar, a man who used to eat sausages raw, was born in Tipperary in 1979. And it's a long way to there. He's uncouth, loutish, iconoclastic and a brute. He now spends his time commuting from his home in Battersea to his cottage in The Shire. By boat. He has no eyelids, and a prostitute once paid him after sex.

When were you happiest?

Probably when I was at 6th Form College. A few lessons a day interspersed by crazy games in the "study room" (lol) and a sense of freedom I hadn't experienced before, or since.

What is your greatest fear?

Anything bad happening to my younger brother.

What is your earliest memory?

I honestly don't know. My earliest football memory is the League Cup Final of March 1994 if that's any use.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

My obsession regarding time-keeping.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?

Being late (see above)

What was your most embarrassing moment?

Several to choose from. Probably when I was cast as Joseph in my Nursery's Nativity play, only to burst into tears and flee the stage after about 30 seconds, never to return.

Property aside, what's the most expensive thing you've bought?

My laptop, and it's been worth every penny.

What is your most treasured possession?

My watch. I blooming love it.

What would your super power be?

As tempting as being invisible would be, it would have to be the ability to fly, and fly quickly.

What makes you unhappy?

Racism.

What do you most dislike about your appearance?

Everything.

Who would play you in the film of your life?

Good question. Erm, would have to be someone small, chubby and ugly. Danny de Vito!

What is your most unappealing habit?

Biting my nails.

What is your favourite word?

"Discombobulate."

What or who is the love of your life?

Manchester United, I'm embarrassed to say.

What does love feel like?

Like a particularly sickening roller-coaster that is all-consuming.

What was the best kiss of your life?

I hope I haven't had it yet.

Have you ever said "I love you" and not meant it?

No, I couldn't do that.

Who would you invite to your dream dinner party?

Sir Alex Ferguson. Nigella Lawson (to cook as well). Ana Ivanovic. Jeremy Clarkson. Peter Gammons. Dido. Bill Bryson. Terry Pratchett.

It's a big table.

What has been your biggest disappointment?

Either "On the Road" or "Slumdog Millionaire".

What is the closest you've come to death?

Car crash when I was a kid. Some cunt not watching the road, fiddling with his radio. Then decided, post crash, to drive off. Nice.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?

Probably getting three A-Levels based on little revision and not really giving a toss for 2 years.

What keeps you awake at night?

Wondering what death is like.

What song(s) would you like played at your funeral?

Oh, bloody hell, it changes every week. Probably "Babylon" by David Gray and "Here With Me" by Dido.

How would you like to be remembered?

As that lucky bastard who won the Euro Millions treble roll-over jackpot.

Tell us a joke.

My favourite joke of all time: A salesman knocks on a front door, and is startled when the door is opened to see a young boy, of about 12, greeting him wearing a dressing gown, with a cigar in one hand and a glass of port in the other.

"Hello son, are your parents in?" the man enquires.

"What do you fucking think?" the boy replies.

Well, I hope that was fun for you to read, as it was a pain in the arse to type and has only taken me well over an hour. Join me next time, when I'll be uploading a video or something.

Help Me Please

"Before we progress and hear from Kelly on how she's getting on, I notice we have a new member here with us today. Would you like to take a moment and introduce yourselves to us please? Name, age, where you're from, perhaps an interesting fact about you?"

(stands up and clears throat) "Erm....hi" (smiles feebly and does a little wave. The others in the circle smile back, encouragingly)

"my name's Ewar..." (everyone else continues to smile and mumble 'Hi Ewar')

"I'm 23, and I live in Lovejoy Towers, Battersea. Erm...I am related to the Corrs"

"How lovely. Of course, we are all here for the same reason - tell us, when did your addiction start?"

"I don't know, Wendy. It just kind of evolved slowly over time (some nods from the others) and now it's at it's absolute worse. Yesterday was a particularly awful experience, where I suffered a real set-back. I thought I could beat it, on my own, I really did, but it seems I cannot"

"That is understandable. Don't worry, you are in good company here, and we are committed to helping you. Tell us, what exactly did your setback yesterday entail? It is better to say it out loud and get it out in the open, we believe"

(looks nervous) "Well....I just happened to walk past the Waterstones in Telford Shopping Centre. Of course, I knew it was there, but normally I close my eyes and ignore it. But yesterday, I couldn't. I JUST COULDN'T! I walked in, and was immediately confronted by a section dedicated to notable US literature..." (bursts into tears)

(An old man shakes his head, slowly. 'The bastards, the absolute bastards. They prey on us' he says, sadly.)

"Let it all out, Ewar. What happened?"

John Updike - Rabbit, Run

Mark Twain - Huck Finn

Kurt Vonnegut - Slaughterhouse 5

Zora Neale Hurston - Their Eyes Were Watching God

That's what happened. Which wouldn't be too bad, if it weren't for the fact that earlier on today I logged on to The Book People and ordered a reference book and a crossword dictionary. AND THEN I just happened to pop into The Works in Wolverhampton and picked out a book by a chap called Paul McDonald. No idea who he is, bet it's rubbish.

Anyway, my transformation into The Plashing Vole gathers pace. I'll be waving a red flag next.

Now, don't suppose you could lend me a few quid, could you. I'll pay you back, I SWEAR!

EDIT - Just to give you some scale - I think that splurge now brings the amount of books I've bought but am planning to read one day to a rather impressive 27. And that does not include a whole series of books I wish to re-read. Wow.