Getting to Know You

Hullo. I don't really have anything to blog about,and I'm bored, so I thought I would try something a little different. Every Saturday my parents buy The Guardian. I don't know why, and I've tried my hardest to persuade them not to. However, the magazine that comes with The Guardian on Saturday is a majestic work of art, and every week I tear through it, laughing my head off.

From Tim Dowling, a man bordering on the edge of a breakdown, to the strangely cute Lucy Mangan and her Tory Boy. From the fiendishly difficult Quiz to the splendid Your Pictures segment. And to the best bit of the whole mag - the Ask the Experts section, which if nothing else is the perfect stereotype of everything I hate about The Guardian and it's readership. The other week - and I wish I was joking, I really do - someone wrote in asking if there was any way they could stop their vol-au-vents sliding around on a serving tray. Exactly.

ANYWAY there's another feature in the mag where they conduct a Q and A with a celeb, and I thought that it might be a good idea to take their questions and give you, my dear reader, my own answers. Think of this as like me giving you a prep sheet about myself before we go on a date. This might work, it might not - but let's give it a whirl.

Son of a Lancashire baker, Ewar Woowar, a man who used to eat sausages raw, was born in Tipperary in 1979. And it's a long way to there. He's uncouth, loutish, iconoclastic and a brute. He now spends his time commuting from his home in Battersea to his cottage in The Shire. By boat. He has no eyelids, and a prostitute once paid him after sex.

When were you happiest?

Probably when I was at 6th Form College. A few lessons a day interspersed by crazy games in the "study room" (lol) and a sense of freedom I hadn't experienced before, or since.

What is your greatest fear?

Anything bad happening to my younger brother.

What is your earliest memory?

I honestly don't know. My earliest football memory is the League Cup Final of March 1994 if that's any use.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

My obsession regarding time-keeping.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?

Being late (see above)

What was your most embarrassing moment?

Several to choose from. Probably when I was cast as Joseph in my Nursery's Nativity play, only to burst into tears and flee the stage after about 30 seconds, never to return.

Property aside, what's the most expensive thing you've bought?

My laptop, and it's been worth every penny.

What is your most treasured possession?

My watch. I blooming love it.

What would your super power be?

As tempting as being invisible would be, it would have to be the ability to fly, and fly quickly.

What makes you unhappy?

Racism.

What do you most dislike about your appearance?

Everything.

Who would play you in the film of your life?

Good question. Erm, would have to be someone small, chubby and ugly. Danny de Vito!

What is your most unappealing habit?

Biting my nails.

What is your favourite word?

"Discombobulate."

What or who is the love of your life?

Manchester United, I'm embarrassed to say.

What does love feel like?

Like a particularly sickening roller-coaster that is all-consuming.

What was the best kiss of your life?

I hope I haven't had it yet.

Have you ever said "I love you" and not meant it?

No, I couldn't do that.

Who would you invite to your dream dinner party?

Sir Alex Ferguson. Nigella Lawson (to cook as well). Ana Ivanovic. Jeremy Clarkson. Peter Gammons. Dido. Bill Bryson. Terry Pratchett.

It's a big table.

What has been your biggest disappointment?

Either "On the Road" or "Slumdog Millionaire".

What is the closest you've come to death?

Car crash when I was a kid. Some cunt not watching the road, fiddling with his radio. Then decided, post crash, to drive off. Nice.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?

Probably getting three A-Levels based on little revision and not really giving a toss for 2 years.

What keeps you awake at night?

Wondering what death is like.

What song(s) would you like played at your funeral?

Oh, bloody hell, it changes every week. Probably "Babylon" by David Gray and "Here With Me" by Dido.

How would you like to be remembered?

As that lucky bastard who won the Euro Millions treble roll-over jackpot.

Tell us a joke.

My favourite joke of all time: A salesman knocks on a front door, and is startled when the door is opened to see a young boy, of about 12, greeting him wearing a dressing gown, with a cigar in one hand and a glass of port in the other.

"Hello son, are your parents in?" the man enquires.

"What do you fucking think?" the boy replies.

Well, I hope that was fun for you to read, as it was a pain in the arse to type and has only taken me well over an hour. Join me next time, when I'll be uploading a video or something.