£1.50

Unless you've been under a rock or living on Jupiter for the past few weeks, you'll know all about the weather conditions this country has been battling with lately. Earlier today, as I sat shivering in my house, wearing a jumper and slippers, I began thinking about the people who aren't lucky enough to have a roof above their heads, or aren't currently wearing warm jumpers and sitting at laptops or in front of nice TV screens.

Yes folks, despite all the faux-anger I direct on this blog towards idiots who write letters, I am a big softie at heart. And then I began thinking about John Bird.

I admire this man greatly. After a traumatic youth, which involved spending time in an orphanage, in prison and on the streets, he co-founded The Big Issue in 1991 which gives homeless people the chance to make an honest living by selling it on the streets. Let's make one thing clear - Bird is a businessman. He isn't a charity, and openly acknowledges that he makes money out of his venture. However, his passion and commitment towards helping the homeless shouldn't be ignored, and I think sadly it is.

Look at some of the people who have been knighted recently: Sir Mick Jagger. Sir Alex Ferguson. Sir Elton John. Sir Alan Sugar. Okay, good musicians, good football manager, good businessman. But, in my personal opinion, I think that if they've been knighted, so should John Bird. Just my thoughts.

ANYWAY I'm rambling. The point of this blog entry, before I got side-tracked, was to talk about The Big Issue. How many of you buy it? Since I've started university, I regularly bump into the guy selling them in Wolverhampton, and if I have loose change on me and close to hand, I always purchase an issue. It's not a bad magazine actually - the film and music reviews are always honest, and there's some good features. There's no sports section, but that's a petty criticism. The poetry is usually pretty dire, but that's even pettier. The crossword is nice and challenging.

All in all, it's not too shabby. If you don't buy it, or never have - there's my little challenge to you. Next time, instead of blanking the person standing on the street selling one, dig out £1.50 and give it a try. If nothing else, you'll feel a bit better about yourself, as I know I do. And it might just contribute to someone being a little bit warmer on these cold nights.

3/3

Let's tackle the last one of these "reader blog ideas" that was sent in, this time courtesy of the lovely Sue. Let's see what she wishes for me to tackle:

Sue's Blog said...

Transmogrification

Right. Just one second....(goes off to dictionary.com)

Oh right, I see. Well, the first thing that has sprung to my mind regarding this topic is a ghastly set of books called 'Animorphs' which were everywhere a few years back when I was at school. I think CBBC then made a TV series based on them. Some of my friends liked them, whereas I thought they were shit.

If I could turn into any animal? Hmm, a tricky one. Dolphins, I believe, are the only mammals that enjoy sex. Apart from humans, of course, although I find it more uncomfortable than enjoyable. Perhaps I would like to be an animal that hibernates through the winter, and wakes up in time for my favourite season, Spring.

I would love to be a bird though - to soar through the skies, looking down upon the towns, and the countryside, and the sea, without a care in the world. But I'd also like to be a lion, the King of all animals. I honestly can't decide.

Of course, transmogrification just doesn't apply to animals - it is the changing in appearance or form. That reminds me in turn of a character called Eugene Tooms in the marvellous TV series The X-Files, who could mutate his body at will. Whilst I don't wish to murder people, that function would perhaps come in handy when, say, rescuing golf balls from when I've whacked them into hedges, streams etc.

It's an interesting topic, if nothing else. What animal would YOU be, dear reader?

Thanks for the suggestion Sue!

A Good Day

Hello folks.

I've had a good day. I had to brave the journey into Wolverhampton to drop off an essay, and despite being a tad nervous about the trip there and back it went splendidly well:

Number of times I slipped over - 0

Number of snowballs thrown at me by little scrotes - 0

Trains on time - 2

Once in Wolvo, I dropped off the essay to a rather pretty blonde in the office, picked up some splendid books (many thanks Ben), tried to bribe a lecturer and then went shopping.

Here's something you don't know ladies - you think men don't like being dragged around the shops, right? That's not quite true - what we don't like is being dragged around women's shops.

Shoes. Handbags. Dresses. Underwear. Shoes. Make-up. Perfume. Cosmetics. More bloody shoes. This is what we do not like. Think of it in this simple term - we're far more interested in you taking your underwear off then trying it on for an hour in a humid shop changing room area.

But, shops. Proper shops. By golly, I'm a fan. I emerged from the high street after a fun hour with new XBox games, new books, new darts, food and drink. I would have stayed longer, but a) I had a train to catch and b) I had no room left in my bag. A shame, as I would love a new jumper and some new jeans.

I then have arrived home to find that Liz McClarnon, that lovely little Atomic Kitten sexpot, is following me on Twitter.

It's been a good day. I'm now going to read the Sloppy Star's letters page. Fingers crossed for a Slarkie special!

Sloppy Star Goodness

For months now I've been ridiculing the stupid and bizarre letters into the Shropshire Star, as regular readers will no doubt know. However, in a slight change, it is not a letter that is prompting me to blog. It is an article written on one of the sports pages. Let's check it out, and marvel in it's irrelevance and banality:

If Sir Alex Ferguson need any reminding of the fickle nature of football supporters, he would have got it by tuning into MUTV immediately after Manchester United's stunning FA Cup demise.

Not really. We were all angry after the game, and things are sometimes said in the heat of the moment which you later regret. I for one asked for the ground to be destroyed and for Berbatov to be given as a human sacrifice in the centre circle. A few days on, I appreciate that is nonsense. The ground can stay.

Ferguson is a man who has delivered 11 league titles - and is currently aiming for a record fourth on the trot - five FA Cups and two Champions League triumphs in a period of unparalleled dominance. This, in case anyone needed to know, followed a fallow period that brought three FA Cups in 16 years that also included the ignominy of relegation to the old Second Division.

Get on with it.

It has, quite rightly, made Ferguson bulletproof in managerial terms. The thought of United willingly getting rid of the 68 year old to make way for Jose Mourinho, or anyone else for that matter, is impossible to conceive. Yet the first caller on the post-match phone-in wanted exactly that, along with the sales of a dozen players deemed not worthy of United's famous history, a history Ferguson has done so much to shape.

Not too sure what this article is about, to be honest. I did have a horrible feeling it was a load of shit based on one phone-call.

Now, it was easy to imagine this reaction as being some elaborate hoax, that the caller was sitting in front of his armchair wearing a blue and white Man City scarf eagerly making mischief ahead of tomorrow's Carling Cup match.

Oh, wait, I was right. It is. Cool.

Yet it also emphasised just how difficult Ferguson's job is in rapidly changing times across the whole football landscape.

Not too sure what this bit means.

"I don't know where he was coming from or how long he had been waiting to make the call but if he truly believes getting rid of the best manager Manchester United have had would help improve the situation, he is living in different world to me," said Lou Macari, a pundit on the phone-in.

Thank God. Its okay folks - Little Lou is here! You can rely on him to talk sense.

"The problem, and this is football's problem, not just Manchester United, is that the players are just not there anymore.

Or maybe you can't rely on him. He is getting on a bit now, mind.

Problem with Manchester United on Sunday - the players just weren't there. There was one hysterical moment where Gibson passed it to Neville.....and he had disappeared! Haha!

In the past, United had guys like Steve Bruce, Roy Keane, Bryan Robson and Mark Hughes who would literally go to war in order to win a football match.

Literally.

I don't see many of those characters around now."

They are all off in Afghanistan, Lou!

Macari is reluctant to stick the boot into United's players, especially the young ones who still have plenty to learn and much development to do.

I dunno mate, he did just say that none of them own any testicles anymore, pretty much.

It leaves Ferguson to massage a few egos over the next 48 hours to try and piece together a winning team for Wednesday's Carling Cup semi-final.

A game which has now been cancelled. Oh dear, this is just such a long-winded, strange, irrelevant waste of ink. You made me type all of that out, Simon Stone, and therefore I dislike you.

Coming up in tomorrow's Slop - an article about someone phoning The Wright Stuff!

How to Write an Essay Part 2

For each question, use at least TWO plays studied on the module, giving equal weight to your chosen texts.

Yay! It's 2010!

A Happy New Year to everyone reading this. Inspired by hltoffy's latest blog post, here are my 2010 resolutions:

1) To stop saying the phrase "Oooh hello!" under my breath whenever I see an attractive lady on my travels.

2) To stop getting cross when my brother mucks up when we jointly play Lego Batman. He is only 6 years old, after all. Unless he does it deliberately, in which case I'll beat him.

3) Find a female companion. Best bet - a labrador.

4) Attend more lectures, work harder at university.

5) Read more fiction.

6) Launch, with gusto, my plan to get England cricket captains to sign their autobiographies for me. Without even trying, I have 3 already.

7) Shave more often.

8) Watch every single Ana Ivanovic Grand Slam match.

9) Play more golf.

10) Spend less time on Twitter.

Here's to a wonderful 2010, friends!

The Great Big Xmas and New Year Blog Entry

Hello all. As it's nearly Christmas, very soon various family members will be arriving to celebrate the birth of Gandhi, or something. And just when I'll be ready to throttle them all and shoo them away, we'll have to put up with them for New Year as well. The upshot of this is that I won't be lingering around on Blogger too much from now until 2010.

SO here's my mega Christmas and New Year blog entry. I'll probably miss stuff out, but whatever. For this blog post, here is my brief and pathetic review of the year:

Man of the Year - Barack Obama

Easy one this, let's be honest. The comparisons with his electoral win and Blair's 1997 win still trouble me, but it truly was remarkable to see the scenes the night Obama was announced as the winner. A win for every African American? Definitely. A win for every Democrat? Obviously. A win for everyone in the rest of the world? We'll wait and see.

Woman of the Year - Joanna Lumley

At the time, the Government was getting a battering from seemingly all corners, and it was never more apparent than Lumley's uprising on behalf of the Gurkha's. I don't think I've cringed so much, watching minister Phil Woolas wilt next to her at that impromptu press conference.

She had an advantage in her campaigning, of course - being a famous personality - but her bloody mindedness and determination eventually won through. I am proud of her, I am proud of the Gurkha's.

Band of the Year - Chew Lips

I bloody love them, even if my friends laugh at me.

Record of the Year - "Deli" by Delorean

Honourable mentions to "Solo" by Chew Lips and Taken By Trees' version of "Sweet Child O' Mine".

Quote of the Year - Mike Wilbon from "Pardon The Interruption"

"I believe Dan Snyder wants to win. I also want to break 70 on the golf course but it's not gonna happen."

Sportsperson of the Year - Valentino Rossi

This guy really needs some more credit from the press. 2009 saw him win his 9th motorcycling Grand Prix World Championship, and he's now 2nd in the list for all-time race wins. Formula One has the glitz and glamour, and attention, but this guy is truly something else, and doesn't deserve to be as shunned as he is.

TV Moment of the Year - Top Gear

The best programme on TV just keeps on getting better.

At this part of the review of the year, I want you to stop reading, and take 5 minutes out to watch that video. The camera work is outstanding. The location is breathtaking. The car is beautiful. The purr of that V12 engine is to die for. The music is haunting. The message is powerful. Just incredible.

Worst TV Show of the Year - "We Need Answers" (BBC4)

Excruciatingly bad. I downloaded an episode of it onto my iPlayer. I like Mark Watson. I like both of the guests (Miranda Hart and Ian McMillan). I like light-hearted quiz shows. I deleted it after about 7 minutes of watching through my fingers.

Honourable mentions to "Big Top" and "The Execution of Gary Glitter".

Sorry To See You Leave Us In 2009

Dave Dee

David Vine

Patrick McGoohan

Tony Hart

John Updike

Bill Frindall

Wendy Richard

Natasha Richardson

Nick Adenhart

Harry Kalas

Sir Clement Freud

Michael Jackson

Farrah Fawcett

Karl Malden

Arturo Gatti

Harry Patch

Sir Bobby Robson

Patrick Swayze

Keith Floyd

David Shepherd

Ewar Woowar

Eddie Fatu

Chris Henry

Brittany Murphy

Best Advert of 2009 - Hugo Boss

(wipes drool off mouth)

Chump of the Year - Tiger Woods

Cheating on a Swedish bikini model? Wow.

Joke:

"What's Elin Nordegren getting for Xmas?"

"Half of everything!"

Most Pointless Letter Writer of the Year - Three Way Tie

Congratulations to J Wendy Slark, Bob Wydell and Allan Tucker.

Best Photo of the Year

Most Homo-Erotic Moment of the Year

Best Blog of the Year - Cynical Ben

http://cynicalben.blogspot.com/

Best Blog Entry of the Year - Dan

http://thiswayfortrouble.blogspot.com/2009/06/ive-tear-in-my-eye.html

Worst Blog Entry of the Year - The Plashing Vole

http://plashingvole.blogspot.com/2009/11/autumnal-friday-conundrum.html

I mean, really.

Best Blog Commenter of the Year

The mysterious "Mr Table", who wishes for a Steve Flack to become President.

Twat of the Year - Phil Brown

Football Moment of the Year - Kiko Macheda

Goal(s) of the Year - Cristiano Ronaldo

Hottie of the Year - Pixie Lott

UK News Story of the Year - MPs Expenses

Which is set to rumble on, and on, and on...

Man Most Nervous About 2010

Gordon Brown....or is it now David Cameron?

Film of the Year

"Up" - at least according to Dan. I don't think I've actually seen a good film this year.

I am sure there are many more categories, but that will do for now. If I've missed out anything glaringly obvious or feel I'm wrong about something - please comment. I'll ignore it, but, you know.

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!

SEE YOU IN 2010!