A serious note: This blog entry will contain some pretty hefty language (for reasons you'll soon see). If you are under 18 please leave and visit disney.com. If you are over 18, but are easily offended, please GO AWAY NOW. If you continue to read, and are offended, that's your fault, not mine. I've tried to be as mature and sincere as possible in this blog post, and am intending it to hopefully provoke a genuine and considered discussion. Thankyou please.
Cunt.
What was your initial reaction when you read that word? Was it:
a) Shock and outrage?
b) Embarrassment?
c) Laughter?
Or did you feel no discernible reaction whatsoever?
We've all (presumably) been brought up to realise that that word is something you just do not say, in public, and is one of those words which is taboo. Hence the warning I wrote at the top there. Sometimes, though, I wonder why this is.
The word "cunt" is a four-letter word, and is made up of these letters: C, U, N, T. We know these letters - they're all in the English alphabet, and we use them all the time. So it's fair to say the letters aren't the problem here. Instead, perhaps we have to look at the word itself. From the OED:
1.The female external genital organs. 2. Applied to a person, esp. a woman, as a term of vulgar abuse.
Embarrassment about body parts, and their names, is nothing new, as any schoolchild will tell you. Nevertheless, it is interesting how some are used. In her last column in The Guardian's magazine, I noticed Lucy Mangan use the word 'vagina'. Whilst it didn't bother me, it surprised me slightly, as I wouldn't have expected it to be used. Instead, I would have expected a softer, more subtle word in it's place - "flower", "ladyparts", etc. These are slang terms for the vagina, yet another slang term, "cunt" would never, ever be used.
Perhaps the key term here is "vulgar abuse". If you watch a film and the word "cunt" is used, it's probably being used as part of an abusive statement - "you fucking cunt" etc, rather than when describing a part of a woman's body. The funny thing is, there are thousands of abusive words and phrases, yet 99% of them are not treated as seriously as cunt. I've been around women who would quite happily call people "wankers" and "twats" and all sorts, but never "cunts". What qualifies as "vulgar" and what doesn't? I honestly don't know. I think we'd all agree that cunt is vulgar, but why exactly?
I looked up the word on OED for a specific reason, because as well as giving a definition, it also lists some examples of where a word has been used in the past. I'm not joking when I say in this case, it's quite interesting:
a1325Prov. Hendyng(Camb. Gg.I.1) st. 42Yeueicunte to cunnig and craue affetir wedding. c1400Lanfranc's Cirurg. 172/12 In wymmen e necke of e bladdre is schort, & is maad fast to the cunte. 1552LYNDESAYSatyre Procl. 144 First lat me lok thy cunt, Syne lat me keip the key. 1956S. BECKETTMalone Dies 24 His young wife had abandoned all hope of bringing him to heel, by means of her cunt, that trump card of young wives.
Whilst I'm not clever enough to work out what most of those sentences mean, it's interesting to note that the word cunt certainly isn't new. Look at those dates - 1325! 1552! If the word is that old, how has it not lost it's impact by now? Has it always been considered as vulgar, or is this a relatively recent criticism?
I'm asking all these questions because, quite simply, I don't know. On one hand, it bemuses me slightly that a word, a simple 4 letter word, carries so much weight and controversy with it. On the other hand, I'm certainly not advocating that a person should think "Okay, it's only a word" and go round shouting it from the rooftops.
Seriously, what do you guys think? Is it a word you would use in public? If not, why do you think it carries all that weight after all these years? Who decides whether a word is vulgar or not?
Click on "Teleport" and it will whisk you off to a random location. So far, I've landed on a motorway just outside Lyon, in France. A rather creepy empty highway in New Mexico, and a beautiful quaint cul-de-sac in Finland. Other people haven't been quite so lucky - one unfortunate soul ended up on an industrial estate just outside Bradford. Ick.
Have a go, and see where you end up. As for me, well, that's any productivity for the day completely gone...
Hello. For regular readers of this blog, you'll know what this is all about. If you're not a regular reader, you can either visit here for the comprehensive lowdown on Project Alniro, OR you can read this very brief round-up:
Myself and two friends set up a Twitter account, drew up a list of over 200 celebrities, and then tweeted them, asking these good folk whether they provided the acting prowess of a Mr Al Pacino, or a Mr Robert DeNiro (is waiting). Once we had tweeted all the people on our list, we would tally the results and I would put them up on this little blog here.
So, let's do just that. Ladies and gentleman (and at this point I'd like to welcome all the visitors who have reached here from my advertising on Digital Spy - pleased to meet you!) here are a whole bunch of celebrities telling us who they prefer - Pacino, or DeNiro.
*NOTE All of these answers are listed in alphabetical order, and have been copied in full. I have not edited a single letter of any of them*
KRISS AKABUSI Kriss Kezie Uche Chukwu Duru Akabusi MBE is a former athlete, winning a silver medal at the 1984 Olympic Games, and a gold medal at the 1991 World Championships. He is now perhaps best known for bringing the phrase "awooga" into the English lexicon. (@krissakabusi)
"Pacino every single time!"
Pacino 1-0 DeNiro
ALEXANDER ARMSTRONG One half of Armstrong and Miller, Alexander Armstrong presents 'Pointless' on BBC2, a slightly odd but watchable quiz show. He also enjoys Pimms. (@Xanneroo)
"I think De Niro to be the more nuanced of the pair"
Pacino 1-1 DeNiro
RICHARD BACON Now a Radio 5 Live presenter, Richard was sacked from his role at 'Blue Peter' after *rest of sentence deleted by nervous lawyer* (@richardpbacon)
"both"
(Ewar's decision - in a case of "both" or "neither" vote shall not be counted either way) Pacino 1-1 DeNiro
MANDIRA BEDI Mandira is probably best known to the people of Britain as the co-host of ITV4s coverage of the last IPL cricket tournament. She is a Bollywood actress, and, in my opinion, really rather gorgeous. (@mandybedi)
"Its Pacino all the way, tho i love Deniros sense of comic timing.. :)"
Pacino 2-1 DeNiro
ANGELLICA BELL A former CBBC presenter, Angellica is that cheerful lass who pops up on 'The One Show' occasionally, and now co-hosts segments of 'The Zone' with her partner, Michael Underwood. (@angellicabell)
"DeNiro! I have always fancied him and he's a GREAT actor!"
Pacino 2-2 DeNiro
CLARA AND MITCH BENN Mitch Benn is splendid, although it's difficult to describe EXACTLY what he does. Folk-ish music player, stand-up comedian, radio personality, TV panel show extraordinaire, song writer...he's a very talented man. My father once complimented him, describing him as 'relevant'. Clara is his wife, and seems to be jolly lovely indeed. (@MitchBenn @MsClara)
"Both DeNiro."
Pacino 2-4 DeNiro
CHRIS BOARDMAN One of my heroes growing up, Chris Boardman is possibly the most famous professional cyclist to come out of England. Chris won 3 stages of the Tour de France, and was World Time Trial Champion in 1994. (@Chis_Boardman)
"Pacino."
Pacino 3-4 DeNiro
MARCUS BRIGSTOCKE Marcus is a bit like Mitch, in that he crops up in so many different places it's difficult to pin him down in terms of what he actually is. I think of him as a stand-up comedian who has branched out into other areas. You may have seen Marcus on 'Argumental'. (@marcusbrig)
"recently... Paccino. Over all - too close to call but De Niro does more damage with each new film."
(CONTROVERSY! In Ewar's mind, Marcus contradicts himself here. "Recently Pacino, but in terms of recent films, De Niro" seems to be his argument. I do not understand this. Thus, his vote is null and void. If you don't like that - tough. It's my game. Scores still the same.) Pacino 3-4 DeNiro
NED BOULTING One for the sports fans, I suspect. Ned is a presenter for ITV sports coverage, most notably cycling but also darts, as well as being a reporter in Africa itself during the 2010 World Cup. (@nedboulting)
"well it's de Niro."
Pacino 3-5 DeNiro
ALASTAIR CAMPBELL I'm sure you all know who Mr Alastair Campbell is. I'm a fan of his, largely because he revels in winding people up as much as I do. If you haven't seen it already, please do youtube search for 'alastair campbell and adam boulton'. (@campbellclaret)
"de Niro"
Pacino 3-6 DeNiro
IAIN CARTER I'm sorry, I'm a huge sports fan. Hence all the sports journalists/presenters you're seeing on this list. Iain Carter is Radio 5 Live's golf correspondent, and he's ruddy good. (@iaincartergolf)
"Pacino"
Pacino 4-6 DeNiro
KELLY CATES Like Ned, Kelly also popped up on ITVs coverage of the 2010 World Cup. I don't want to do her any disservice whatsoever, but maybe it's fair to say she's best known as Kenny Dalglish's daughter. (@KellyCates)
"maybe 1% in it but I go for Pacino because of Godfather 2"
(This is Ewar's favourite answer, as it would be, pretty much word for word, what he would say) Pacino 5-6 DeNiro
HELEN CHAMBERLAIN 'Soccer AM'. Let's be honest, when you think of Hells Bells Chamberlain, you think of 'Soccer AM' on Sky Sports. I've met Helen, and she's a lovely, lovely person. (@HellsBellsy)
"I'm no movie buff but Pacino for me. All down to the premiere of Any Given Sunday when he walked out & my date shouted "F*cking hell! It's Al P'f*cking'cino!" Still makes me laugh now."
(Second favourite answer) Pacino 6-6 DeNiro
IAN COLLINS A real mainstay on talkSPORT radio, Ian Collins first came to my attention with his excellent 'Creatures of the Night' show. He is a Chelsea FC supporter, which is unfortunate. (@collinslateshow)
"I'll go DeNiro. No contest."
Pacino 6-7 DeNiro
NAT COOMBS Nat now appears on ESPN, although he's perhaps best known for his presenting of 5's NFL coverage in the last two years. (@NatCoombs)
"To quote Dean Wormer from the mighty 'Animal House', each of them is outstanding in their own way". But, gun to head? Pacino."
Pacino 7-7 DeNiro
VICTORIA COREN Daughter of the much missed Alan, Victoria has earnt over $1m playing cards. No, really! That is some life. She also presents 'Only Connect' on BBC Four, which my father loves. (@VictoriaCoren)
"I'm the wrong person to ask. I prefer Christopher Biggins to either."
Pacino 7-7 DeNiro (Biggins 1)
GARY DELANEY It's amazing what you learn from Wikipedia isn't it? I knew Gary was a stand-up comedian, but I didn't know he was in a relationship with Sarah Millican. So there we go. (@GaryDelaney)
"De Niro, but I've never seen Pacino so ignore me."
(Never seen a Pacino film?!) Pacino 7-8 DeNiro
DANNY DICHIO This was my friend Dan's suggestion. I've no idea why we put Danny Dichio on our list, but he bothered to answer us so fair play. If you're not a football fan, Danny played over 400 games in his career and scored 92 goals. According to Wikipedia. (@DannyDichio)
"very difficult!! But I've got to say Bobby De Niro"
Pacino 7-9 DeNiro
NEIL GAIMAN Probably the most "famous" person who replied to us. Neil Gaiman, as I'm sure you know, is a novelist, and a bloody successful one as well. One of my favourite books of all time, 'Good Omens', was co-written by the great man. (@neilhimself)
"Pacino. De Niro was already in STARDUST."
(CONTROVERSY! As I mentioned earlier, the Twitter account was manned not just by myself, but also by my two friends - Dan and the mysterious G. You would think it would be easy to ask a celebrity a simple question like "Pacino or DeNiro", wouldn't you? However, Dan screwed up, and ended up asking Neil Gaiman which actor he would rather appear in a film adaptation of one of his scribblings. Hence his answer there.
My first thought was to declare Gaiman's vote as null and void. However, as I would go for Pacino, and Dan for DeNiro, I'm letting it stand. Screw you - its my ball, and I'll take it home!) Pacino 8-9 DeNiro
DAVE GORMAN Are you Dave Gorman? No? Fair enough. He is though, and for most people Dave Gorman came to their attention with his quest to find people with the same name as him. Most recently, you might have seen him presenting the BBC 2 programme 'Genius', which is very good indeed. (@DaveGorman)
"I'm not sure you should be betting on my opinion of anything. But if you are, I'll negotiate for a cut of the proceeds."
(Sometimes in our tweets we told the celebs we were doing this for a bet, and not because we are incredibly sad with nothing better to do or nothing to contribute to society. Scores remain the same.) Pacino 8-9 DeNiro
We're now halfway through the celebrity answers. I don't know about you, but this seems a good time to take an interval, both for you and for myself. Let's all go and get some food and have a wee. Not at the same time. For your interval entertainment, I give you this:
And....we're back. Let's crack on again.
KRISHNAN GURU-MURTHY What a man, what a legend. I'm sure you know Krishnan from Channel 4 News, where he co-forms the perfect 1-2 punch alongside another legend, Jon Snow. (@krishgm)
"Fifteen yrs ago you'd have said De Niro. But now Pacino has got better and De Niro got worse. Insomnia v Analyze That obvious"
Pacino 9-9 DeNiro
DAVID HARMON A name perhaps not recognisable to too many folk, David is a cycling commentator on Eurosport, and for the past few years has done a sterling job on the Tour de France. (@spokesmen)
"de Niro...obvously"
Pacino 9-10 DeNiro
DOMINIC HOLLAND Dom is a stand-up comedian, yet every time I see him on my tellybox nowadays he's on 'The Wright Stuff', a show for people who can't cope with Newsnight, hosted by the ghastliness that is Matthew Wright. (@Domholland)
"de niro - cos he can do menacing (cape fear) and v funny (meet parents) Pacino is clichetastic
Pacino 9-11 DeNiro
EAMONN HOLMES You know who Eamonn Holmes is, c'mon. (@EamonnHolmes)
"prob De Niro - because of Bananarama !"
Pacino 9-12 DeNiro
LYNSEY HOOPER Lynsey is an exciting young journalist with a promising career ahead of her. Quiz TV, ITV News reports, hosting Sky Sports News online, goal updates live at football grounds for Final Score...she's certainly adaptable, and is pretty cool. (@lynseyhooper)
"Would have to be DeNiro for me"
Pacino 9-13 DeNiro
DAVE LAMB You probably wouldn't recognise Dave Lamb by his name or his face, but I'm sure you would recognise his voice if you heard it. Ever seen the hit Channel 4 show 'Come Dine with Me'? Dave is the narrator who keeps that whole show afloat with his acerbic comments. (@Therealdavelamb)
"that's a tough one. Scent of a woman versus midnight run (not the obvious ones I'll grant you) I'll go Pacino, by inches."
Pacino 10-13 DeNiro
DAVID "BUMBLE" LLOYD The man who makes Sky's cricket coverage splendidly brilliant, David "Bumble" Lloyd is former England player and coach. He supports Accrington Stanley FC. (@BumbleCricket)
"Pacino"
Pacino 11-13 DeNiro
LUCY MANGAN Do you read The Guardian? No? Probably the right idea. If you do, however, you'll know that Lucy has a column in The Guardian's magazine every Saturday, and chips in with various things in the main paper throughout the week. I understand lecturer extraordinare The Plashing Vole has a bit of a thing for her. (@LucyMangan)
"De Niro, De Finitely."
Pacino 11-14 DeNiro
ROBBIE MCEWEN Aussie. Cyclist. Sprinter. Tough son of a gun. 12 stage winner in the Tour de France. That's our Robbie. (@mcewenrobbie)
"i prefer De Niro"
Pacino 11-15 DeNiro
HAYLEY MCQUEEN Former MUTV and now Sky Sports News presenter, perhaps it is slightly unfair to say she's most famous for being Gordon McQueen's daughter? (@HayleyMcQueen)
"De Niro, why my opinion counts is beyond me but that is my opinion none the less."
Pacino 11-16 DeNiro
SARAH-JANE MEE Two Sky Sports News presenters in a row, and, let's be honest, two very yummy ladies indeed. (@meesj)
"De Niro x"
(A kiss from Sarah-Jane there, which now sits in my Twitter Hall of Fame alongside the kiss I got, virtually, from Katherine Jenkins. I am the Alpha male, clearly.) Pacino 11-17 DeNiro
JUSTIN MOORHOUSE Another stand-up comedian, although perhaps Justin is best know for his role in the unbelievably brilliant TV series 'Phoenix Nights' or the film 'Looking for Eric'. (@justinmoorhouse)
"I'd go De Niro"
Pacino 11-18 DeNiro
JACQUI OATLEY Miss Jacqui Oatley made history. No, really, she did, when she became the first female to commentate on a game for 'Match of the Day'. Jacqui supports Wolverhampton Wanderers FC. (@JacquiOatley)
"Flamin eck - that's like trying to choose between your parents! But I'll have to go Pacino."
(Third favourite answer) Pacino 12-18 DeNiro
IAIN O'BRIEN Former fast bowler for New Zealand, Iain now plays over here in England, for Middlesex CCC, and seems like a jolly decent bloke. (@iainobrien)
"probably De Niro..."
Pacino 12-19 DeNiro
ANDI PETERS The man, the myth, the legend. Andi Peters. (@andipeters)
"I think Pacino..."
Pacino 13-19 DeNiro
SIMON RIMMER Celebrity chef and Tim Lovejoy's right hand man on 'Something for the Weekend', Simon has also popped up on the ghastly 'Hole in the Wall'. (@simonrim)
"Pacino, but I don't have a strong opinion"
Pacino 14-19 DeNiro
ZOE SALMON Zoe is, like, well fit, you know? Former 'Blue Peter' presenter, all-round babe. (@Zoe_Salmon)
"De Niro purely 4 his versatility - need I mention the Fockers?!"
Pacino 14-20 DeNiro
DI STEWART Another name perhaps unfamiliar to non-sports fans. Di has fronted Sky's golf coverage for a few years now, and (I believe) is with pro golfer Nick Dougherty, him and his mad hair. Well done to him. (@DiSkySports)
"does 'Scent of a Woman' answer your question.."
(Yes it does Di!) Pacino 15-20 DeNiro
SUZANNE VIRDEE Suzanne hosts 'Midlands Today' in the early evenings, alongside the broadcasting legend that is Mr Nick Owen. (@suzannevirdee)
"I always get them mixed up!"
(Not particularly helpful. Scores remain the same.) Pacino 15-20 DeNiro
DAN WALKER Dan is the host of BBC's 'Football Focus' every Saturday lunchtime, and what a good host of that he is. (@danwalkerbbc)
"Pacino...every time."
Pacino 16-20 DeNiro
GREGG WALLACE "COOKING...DOES NOT GET...TOUGHER THAN THIS!!!!!" is what Gregg likes to shout every episode of 'Masterchef'. Viewers will know him as the bald one with glasses, who likes puddings. (@puddingface)
"Pacino."
Pacino 17-20 DeNiro
RAV WILDING Phwoar! I've got to be honest, even as a straight male, Rav Wilding sets the old heart pumping a little bit. Ex-Army, ex-Police force, now the presenter of 'Crimewatch'. I lied earlier, when I said I was clearly the Alpha male. No sir - Rav Wilding is the Alpha male. Let it be written in stone. (@Rwildthing)
"de Niro"
Pacino 17-21 DeNiro
LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, WE HAVE REACHED THE END.
FINAL SCORE: AL PACINO 17 - 21 ROBERT DE NIRO
So, what can we make of all this, if anything? I thought it would be a landslide for DeNiro, to be honest, and I was pleasantly surprised that it was as close as it was, until DeNiro pulled away a bit towards the end. What I found particularly interesting was that even though I love both, a competitive nature set in. As Dan clearly prefers DeNiro, I found myself rooting for Pacino - the underdog in my eyes.
I expected DeNiro to win as he is seen as more "mainstream" nowadays - as some people alluded to, 'Meet the Parents/Fockers' introduced him to a whole new audience from those who know him from 'Raging Bull' and so on. Personally, I hate those films - they're just not DeNiro in my book, and I possibly would even go as far as saying "he sold out a bit". Nevertheless, he is brilliant, and so is Pacino. As Kelly Cates said, there's about 1% in it, maybe less.
I would like to take this moment to thank my aides for this project - Dan and G. If you're not a regular reader of this blog, and you're on Twitter, give them a follow, they're both splendid:
Dan - @spotify_tapes
G - @vivelesteve
And I'm Ewar - @ewarwoowar86
To see the madness directly, and to see who didn't reply, feel free to check out @ProjectAlniro.
If you've read all of this - you're mad. Get some help. Nevertheless, many thanks, and goodbye!
Hallo. I've got a few blog entries stored up in my mind, waiting to be unleashed onto you all over the next few weeks. However I appreciate that every blog entry recently has been quite lengthy, crammed full of writings and videos and absolutely hilarious jokes. So, in the spirit of Shakespeare, let's break off from the heavy stuff, and whilst we're changing costumes and moving bits of the set around, have some brainless jolliness instead.
In other words, think of John Barrowman as this blogs equivalent of Sir Toby Belch. Sit back and enjoy the awfulness:
(Many thanks to Dan for the first video. The man is shameless. Barrowman, that is, not Dan)
The older I get, the grumpier I get. Okay, I'm not quite ready to write a letter into The Sloppy Star launching a tirade on the EU / Tony Blair just yet, but things do begin to irk me a lot more than they used to.
One of these little things that annoy me are television adverts. Don't get me wrong, I understand the point of them - to bombard you with their message, over and over and over, until their ditty/slogan is ingrained into your mind and you find yourself brainwashed into visiting their website / using their stores. But that doesn't mean I have to like them. Some adverts are good, admittedly, but I can't help thinking its more amusing to blog about the really bad ones - the ones that really get under my skin. So that's what I'm going to do. Unleash the hatred!
This abortion has to be the most disturbing advert ever seen on television. The grotesquely poor dubbing is bad enough, but its the relationship between the man and the young lady that freaks me out a bit. We can see from the dialogue she's his daughter, yet there does seem to be a very odd and scary sexual frisson between them emphasised throughout. Where is the mother? Why does the daughter own some "Just For Men"? Why does he call her 'darling'? WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!
I like to think he didn't actually get the job, and needs more ties to hang himself and end his pathetic and worthless life.
Hahaha, isn't this funny! We've made a really funny advert to tell you that for you fucking peasants out there, you can't watch this channel anymore! Hahaha. Here's hoping that these two muppets don't go into acting, either. "The whole squad?!" line is a beauty in terms of showing drama students how not to act shocked.
Thankfully, that advert has now disappeared off my television screen, as Sky Sports News HD (why?!) has now launched.
This advert makes me genuinely angry. Drinking an appropriate amount of water every day benefits you health wise, and makes you feel better than you would if you drank the same amount of a different drink - say Coca-Cola, any soft drink with Aspartame in, or any alcoholic drink. Seriously, no shit. I for one am fucking stunned at this revelation.
I'm angry, but I can't work out who my anger is aimed at here - is it the makers of this advert, for patronising us so incredibly, or are there people who genuinely watch that advert and think "shit, yeah, that might be an idea actually". Either way, it's bonkers. It also annoys me how they seem to claim it is only Volvic that provides this miraculous juice. Actually, maybe that's fair enough. It doesn't grow on trees, and it sure as hell doesn't come out of taps...
This next one, I admit, I had never seen. It comes from G...
Josh, ah think Dad's found yah scoo-tah pet! Hateful. Also, I like the fact the woman is so casual at asking to borrow £25k from these dodgy types, a fee she will greatly struggle to pay back the interest on for the rest of her life. Eurgh. Let's move swiftly on...
Firstly, you're not an actor, mate - you were in Eastenders. Secondly, I'm glad it's "100% lawyers" - there was me wanting someone who was 50% lawyer, 50% prostitute, y'know? I like the fact that you seem to think its a selling point that my legal case would be handled by a legal fucking professional. Call me old fashioned, but I kind of expect this. Thirdly, stop bloody shouting at me. Next!
"Now, you didn't expect Everest to be doing that today, did you?"
To be honest, Craig, I've never given it much thought. However if someone asked me what the company Everest were doing today, I would probably do a bit of research and confidently predict that they would indeed be doing insulation and energy saving of some sort at some gentleman's house or place of business. Now fuck off.
Not much to say about that one really is there? The "OK YAR!" bit is particularly galling however. This next one (don't worry, it's the penultimate one) has been suggested by Dan:
Watch your back Laurence Olivier! You're not the only good actor to come out of Britain you know - just look at that cunt!
And now, ladies and gentlemen, we get to the final advert. And my goodness, this is...well...I'm not sure what to say about it, to be honest. Let me just say that every time I watch it - EVERY time - I laugh. I've even linked to it on my Twitter page. Three times.
I can just imagine the board meeting now. After being rejected by Stephen Fry, Leonardo di Caprio, Kate Winslet, Will Smith...the good people at VanCompare needed someone a little less famous. Someone who hadn't been in the glare of the public eye for a wee while. Preferably someone who was still well known, and didn't dress like an absolute fucking gimp.
Instead they got Andy Scott from the 70s band The Sweet. If you haven't seen this advert before - you are in for a wonderful, wonderful treat. If you have - why don't you watch it again with me, and saviour the genius?
As Dan just said to me on MSN: "What exactly were they thinking? It's the fact no-one knows who the fuck he is and he looks like a silly dickwad."
Wise words from one so young. And on that note, I'll leave all these ghastly things behind, for now.
As I'm sure you know by now, I was away from the Sloppy Shire region last week. My initial plan was to come back to a whole heap of Sloppy Stars in the porch, and to spend a good hour going through them, scouring the letters pages for any little nuggets I would have missed otherwise. HOWEVER it turns out my father, in his esteemed wisdom, cancelled the papers for that week, meaning I missed out on all those letters and all those cryptic crosswords. Gutting.
Nevertheless, this week is a new week, and it brings papers. And it brings letters. Let's now sample a few of them!
Many people say they wish to have "green" burials when they die, in woodland surroundings. Fine. However, they have not apparently considered the probability that badgers will dig up and eat their remains. The only way to stop this would be to seal them in lead or stainless steel coffins. This would defeat the object.
Name and address supplied
What a FASCINATING letter. I suppose it's all true enough, just it tickled me that someone wrote this into the local paper.
Wife: "So...it's quite late...I'm going up to bed...you going to join me?"
Man: "No, sorry - I need to e-mail The Shropshire Star, to inform the good people of Shropshire the threat of badgers in respect to green burials in woodland surroundings."
Wife: "I'll just go and find some fresh batteries then."
Before we move onto the next letter, I'll give you a moment to re-read that and get the joke.
I'm so sorry.
Judging by the exam results, British youngsters are getting more intelligent every year.
I know where this is heading.
This is most gratifying but I'm afraid I have some nagging doubts.
Yep. Textbook. Every fucking year.
Why am I rarely impressed when I listen to them talking among themselves? Their language is often crude, to put it mildly.
No-one ever swore in the good old days. No-one. Ever. I think, in actual fact, the word "fuck" was invented in 1997, by Liam Gallagher.
Why do I rarely see them reading a quality daily newspaper or one of the serious weeklies?
This tickled me - the idea of there being a quality daily newspaper! Heehee.
On trains and buses, why do I rarely see them reading a book? When I do, it is invariably rubbish, like Dan Brown or a children's book.
Right, fuck off, on two counts. Firstly, I find it difficult to read on trains, buses, in cars - it makes me get motion sickness a little bit. Secondly, I like the way you said "children's book" when you clearly mean Harry Potter, but don't have the balls to say it. Harry Potter was fucking ace, you appalling man.
Why do they seem to ask of music only a loud noise and surface excitement? Some of the music of my generation was loud but it included Duke Ellington, Count Basie and Charlie Parker, not to mention Beethoven and Stravinsky.
Ludwig van Beethoven 1770-1827. From your generation, yeah?
Why, when at university, do many of them have to be sent on remedial courses to learn the basics of grammar?
This bit made me laugh, a lot, because it reminded me of a module I did in the first year of my English degree which was, to be honest, pretty much this. The fact it was taught by the most insufferably smug and patronising woman on the planet didn't help matters.
Why are academics always complaining that students don't always recognise well know literary and historical allusions? It's because they don't read enough. Why are employers complaining school leavers can't...
I'm going to take an unprecedented step, and cut the letter short. Just because he bangs on in the same vein for another four paragraphs and I don't have the space or the time for it.
Sidney Evans, Chirk
Victor Meldrew, Chirk
A few years ago a friend stated: "Why should we feel sorry for the farmers, they never felt sorry for the miners, nursers or police?"
What?
During National Service in the RAF, I dumped some artificial mashed potato in a bin. Witnessing my acts a corporal cook threatened to charge me. I turned on him and said: "You can please yourself."
What?
Overhearing my defiance an old sweat rallied to support me: "You can put the whole bloody camp on charge, mate," he bellowed. An RAF police corporal suggested us: "Where did you get this rubbish from?" The next day the mess sergeant (a real gent) promised me real potatoes.
What?
Well, it's harvest thanksgiving soon, and let's raise our glasses to King Edwards and maris pipers.
Emyr Davies, Wrexham
What?
I read recently that 38 trains built by Siemens in Germany are being delivered through the Channel Tunnel to be operated by First ScotRail. My poor old dad will be turning in his grave thinking about what happened to his former employer Metro Cammell, based in Birmingham, which was the largest producers in the world of railway carriages and wagons for the UK and overseas before its closure in 2005.
Who would have thought we won World War Two.
Oh, for fucks sake. You were doing so well.
Peter Hassall, Shifnal
Next please. You around, Allan Tucker?
According to the Blair book, he was "forced" over fox hunting and not Iraq. That says it all.
Allan Tucker, Oswestry
Another illuminating and interesting letter Allan, many thanks.
I have every sympathy for those caught up in the Pakistan flood disaster. However, perhaps if their government didn't spend so much on nuclear weapons they could look after their people better.
Andy Chaplin, Telford
Nice and tactful Andy, well done.
That's enough letters, I think we can all agree. But before I go, here's a little snippet from last nights paper, conveniently placed opposite the letters page, by reporter Andy Richardson:
Three short years ago, Gina (Yashere) was one of the UK's funniest women.
Hello all! I'm going to tell you about my holiday now. Not that you care, but it's a cliche and if it's good enough for Ben, it's bloody well good enough for me. My holiday in the Lake District was 99% good, and 1% bad. In the spirit of wanting bad news before the good news, here's the bad:
Friday night/Saturday morning I got no sleep. None at all. Not one second. Which meant that yesterday we loaded the car and set off on the long journey back to Lovejoy Towers, my good self shivering in the back and feeling like a zombie. Halfway home we stopped off at my Grans, where I was allowed a lie down in the spare bed. I got about 20 minutes sleep, before being woken up by my cousin and brother who were engaging in a particularly raucous game of Hide n Seek. However, I got home in one piece, and after a 10 hour sleep last night and a hearty breakfast of cold Chinese, I feel like a human being again. So let's cut the moaning and go onto the good stuff.
Our cottage for the week was in the charming village of Skirwith. Here it is in all it's glory (not my pic):
See the patch of grass on the left that looks like a triangle, with the blue car on it? That was our parking space - the cottage is one of the white houses just there. It was small, but perfectly charming and lovely. The beds were fucking atrocious, but then I'm spoilt at home with my Memory Foam mattress.
Could I live in Skirwith? No, and neither could any non-driver.The nearest shop is in Penrith - about a 15 minute drive away. The nearest pub is a 10 minute drive away. As the cleaning lady who was looking after the cottage said to us, "you certainly have to manage your cupboards wisely here."
Penrith itself is lovely. An old fashioned town, with plenty of interesting shops, although the shopping arcade sector is a bit scruffy. The great thing about the town is that it doesn't have a Tesco - I've seen with my own eyes in my hometown how a Tesco megastore nearby completely destroys the little shops in the town. Penrith has a tiny Morrisons and thats it. I liked that.
So, what did we do? As you might have gathered, to get anywhere in the Lake District you have to drive. The vast majority of roads are windy and tight, narrow little lanes, and even A Roads are tricky to navigate. This means that you have to drive for a while - I remember on one day to get back to the cottage it was 26 miles. On a motorway, thats 20 minutes. On a dual carriageway, 25-30 minutes. Around the Lake District? 1 hour.
As such my esteemed father didn't want to drive every day, so we had a few days (Sunday, Tuesday and Friday) of lounging around, walking the dog around the village and generally chilling. So that will explain the gaps in days you're about to see:
MONDAY
A tour of Ullswater, Windermere and Coniston Water. You might notice that there I haven't put "Lake" Windermere, "Lake" Ullswater etc. That's because, amusingly, in the Lake District there's only one body of water called "Lake", and that's Bassenthwaite Lake. Tru story bro. There's not too much I can say about the "lakes", so let's progress onto where we stopped for lunch.
The Drunken Duck Innwas outstanding - quite rightly too, judging by the extortionate prices on show. One thing about the Lake District - it's a real "tourist trap" and perhaps is another reason I couldn't live up there. Four sandwiches (which came with 2 bowls of chips) and four drinks came in at well over £30. I'm just glad I wasn't paying! The story behind the name of the Inn is interesting:
This unofficial title dates back to Victorian years when a landlady of the Inn found her ducks lying stretched out in the road and concluded that they were dead. Thriftily she began to pluck and prepare them for dinner. The ducks however, were "quick" and not dead. Down in the cellar a barrel had slipped its hoops and beer had gradually drained from the floor into the duck's customary feeding ditch. Thereupon the ducks made all too good use of their unexpected opportunity, with the result that when they came to they found themselves plucked and halfway to the oven. According to local legend, the landlady, full of remorse for the rough treatment, provided the de-feathered birds with knitted waistcoats of Hawkshead yarn until their feathers grew back again.
WEDNESDAY
Up to Northumberland, where we took in Housesteads Roman Fort, with a section of Hadrian's Wall right behind it. Not my picture:
The Romans were no mugs. The fort is on top of a steep hill, meaning we had a lengthy and slightly tough climb to walk up to it. You certainly wouldn't be in the mood for fighting once you had made that trek.
Behind the fort was Hadrian's Wall, and what stood out for me was the smoothness and the flat surface of the top of it. I think this might be because they put some time of added security onto the top of the wall - maybe some wooden pieces to make it almost impossible to penetrate. The wall itself is not very high. It was interesting, but as I later remarked, "Once you've seen one wall, I suppose you've seen them all."
As we weren't too far away, we decided to pop into Scotland, as I've never been up there before. We drove past the border and into Gretna, passing this house on the way (not my pic):
Next to Gretna is Gretna Green, a quirky little town. In 1753 an Act of Parliament was passed (in England) declaring that if a couple were not both 21 years of age, they had to get the consent of their parents before they could marry. However this ruling was not in force in Scotland, so young couples eloped up into Scotland to get married behind their families backs. First place they came to when they went over the border? Gretna Green. The place has now become synonymous with weddings, and in our quick tour of the town we saw 2 wedding ceremonies taking place. Despite my pleas to stop and try and find a shop that would sell me a deep fried Mars bar (no, really) we went back across the border and back to the cottage. I have been to Scotland. Hoorah.
THURSDAY
We drove to Keswick. I was very excited, as our destination for the day was the James Bond Museum. It's an odd location for it, and when you get there it's a pretty small place with only 3 rooms. Nevertheless, it was pretty cool, especially for nerds like me. On the way out I couldn't resist buying some tat, so I bought a pack of Bond Girls playing cards and a 100g chocolate bar which is in the form of a gold bar (a "Goldfinger Bar" no less). These two items cost £8. EIGHT QUID! Still, there's nice pics of Halle Berry and Fiona Fullerton for when I get lonely, so I'm not complaining (much).
On our way to having lunch in Ambleside, we passed Dove Cottage. Without Googling, do you know who lived there roughly 200 years ago?
Rainfall over the week - nil. About 15 minutes after we got home, it started to rain.
i
