Gray Keys

14:53 Hello all. I have come to the university library, with the aim of doing thesis research and meeting at least three different lecturers. Which is why I'm now going to do a blog entry about Richard Keys and Andy Gray - at least, I am, after I've gone and got some lunch. I am starving. "Brb!" as the kids would say...

15:15 Chicken baguette and Lucozade orange. "Brb!"

15:29 So, where we we? Ah yes.

By now I assume you've all read/heard about this - Sky Sports presenter Richard Keys and his cohort (and former footballer) Andy Gray were caught on tape, before a game they were broadcasting, saying derogatory things about a woman called Sian Massey who was an official that day. Since the initial stuff however there's been some more fuel added to the flames, with more comments from Gray and a dash from resident prick Andy Burton:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/football/competitions/premier-league/8281056/Andy-Burton-dropped-by-Sky-Sports-over-Sian-Massey-conversation-with-Andy-Gray.html

I have mixed feelings about all of this, so let's tackle the initial comments first of all.

The Premier League is massive. It's awash with multi-millionaire players and managers, multi-billionaire chairmen, huge egos, huge clubs, huge stadiums and huge profits, all of which is nicely stirred together by Sky and all their power and money to create a monolith which has suppressed the rest of English football for 20 years. With this in mind, the idea that an official - in this case Sian Massey - would be chosen to run the line in a Premier League match without knowing the offside rule is worse than stupid. It's mindless, moronic nonsense which underlines just how much of a "big boys club" football still is, and it's a direct insult to her and her profession. Before I carry on however, BREAKING NEWS!

16:23 News come through that Andy Gray has been sacked. Blimey. More on that a bit later once I've had time to get my head around it.

Anyway, yes. The comments made by Keys and Gray absolutely stink - not just because of how unbelievably misguided they are, but because they are a representation of the prevailing attitudes that sadly still exist in football. Take homosexuality, for example. It's almost impossible to say how many homosexual men there are in England, but I think we can safely say that statistically, there should be at least 1 homosexual out of all the footballers who play in the Football League. Yet there isn't. Not a single openly gay footballer, and the only one I can think of who did "come out", Justin Fashanu, killed himself a few years later due to the prejudice that was destroying his life. There is no openly gay footballer currently in the Football League, presumably because they are terrified about how fellow players and fans would react. I don't blame them.

But the other comments that have surfaced today, from Gray and touchline reporter Andy Burton, I feel are different. You can see them in the link above, but the summary is essentially this:

Andy Burton: "Female linesman today, bit of a looker according to Steve the cameraman. He says she's alright...not sure I trust his judgement though."

Andy Gray: "No I wouldn't."

Crew Member: "Female assistant Andy - any good?"

Andy Gray: "Nah. I can see her from here."

As much as I hate Andy Burton (and I do) and as deplorable as Gray's previous comments were, I struggle to feel any anger or fury over this interchange whatsoever. In this instance, neither are attacking the woman in regards to her job, instead it's a general comment about attractiveness which 99% of blokes indulge in. I want to share with you all now a private conversation my friend Dan (Hi Dan! *waves*) and I had last night. I'm going to set it out just below here, in full, without any edit, and then I'll discuss it after:

Dan: "Pretty German girl in our class *swoons* i'd smash her wall etc"

Me: "Ask her if you can put your frankfurter in her Munich tunnel."

Dan: "Just made me snortlol on the bus. Not that the idea is laughable though. Not with me on the case"

Me: "It is laughable. More like a cocktail sausage isn't it?"

Dan: "Nein."

Me: "Nein mm? Sounds about right."

Ignore all the clichéd and stereotypical penis banter (a phrase I thought I'd never write) towards the end, and focus on the stuff at the beginning. Is that wrong? Is it wrong for Dan and I to make a few "Carry On" esque comments just for cheap laughs? I don't know - maybe it is, but I bet we're not the only blokes on the planet who say stuff like that in private. In fact, I know we're not - because Andy Gray and Andy Burton have displayed similar tendencies as shown above. As much as I hate Burton, I'm surprised he's been suspended, and almost feel a tad sorry for him.

Gray hasn't been suspended, he's been sacked, and since that breaking news we've since found out that his dismissal is the result not just re. Sian Massey, but also an incident last December involving colleague Charlotte Jackson.

Good. It's time football emerged from the dark ages, a time Andy Gray still dwells in. I believe Richard Keys will be going too, and again I fully endorse that decision. Get in James Richardson, or Mark Bolton, or Ben Shepherd, get in a young and enthusiastic co-commentator, and try and kick-start a new era for Sky Sports football coverage. Try and kick-start a less prejudiced game. It helps to start at the top.

18:25 Right, time to do some thesis research. Just after I go and get some dinner...

Addled and Inverted

The older I get, the grumpier I get. Okay, I'm not quite ready to write a letter into The Sloppy Star launching a tirade on the EU / Tony Blair just yet, but things do begin to irk me a lot more than they used to.

One of these little things that annoy me are television adverts. Don't get me wrong, I understand the point of them - to bombard you with their message, over and over and over, until their ditty/slogan is ingrained into your mind and you find yourself brainwashed into visiting their website / using their stores. But that doesn't mean I have to like them. Some adverts are good, admittedly, but I can't help thinking its more amusing to blog about the really bad ones - the ones that really get under my skin. So that's what I'm going to do. Unleash the hatred!

This abortion has to be the most disturbing advert ever seen on television. The grotesquely poor dubbing is bad enough, but its the relationship between the man and the young lady that freaks me out a bit. We can see from the dialogue she's his daughter, yet there does seem to be a very odd and scary sexual frisson between them emphasised throughout. Where is the mother? Why does the daughter own some "Just For Men"? Why does he call her 'darling'? WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!


I like to think he didn't actually get the job, and needs more ties to hang himself and end his pathetic and worthless life.



Hahaha, isn't this funny! We've made a really funny advert to tell you that for you fucking peasants out there, you can't watch this channel anymore! Hahaha. Here's hoping that these two muppets don't go into acting, either. "The whole squad?!" line is a beauty in terms of showing drama students how not to act shocked.


Thankfully, that advert has now disappeared off my television screen, as Sky Sports News HD (why?!) has now launched.



This advert makes me genuinely angry. Drinking an appropriate amount of water every day benefits you health wise, and makes you feel better than you would if you drank the same amount of a different drink - say Coca-Cola, any soft drink with Aspartame in, or any alcoholic drink. Seriously, no shit. I for one am fucking stunned at this revelation.


I'm angry, but I can't work out who my anger is aimed at here - is it the makers of this advert, for patronising us so incredibly, or are there people who genuinely watch that advert and think "shit, yeah, that might be an idea actually". Either way, it's bonkers. It also annoys me how they seem to claim it is only Volvic that provides this miraculous juice. Actually, maybe that's fair enough. It doesn't grow on trees, and it sure as hell doesn't come out of taps...


This next one, I admit, I had never seen. It comes from G...



Josh, ah think Dad's found yah scoo-tah pet! Hateful. Also, I like the fact the woman is so casual at asking to borrow £25k from these dodgy types, a fee she will greatly struggle to pay back the interest on for the rest of her life. Eurgh. Let's move swiftly on...



Firstly, you're not an actor, mate - you were in Eastenders. Secondly, I'm glad it's "100% lawyers" - there was me wanting someone who was 50% lawyer, 50% prostitute, y'know? I like the fact that you seem to think its a selling point that my legal case would be handled by a legal fucking professional. Call me old fashioned, but I kind of expect this. Thirdly, stop bloody shouting at me. Next!


"Now, you didn't expect Everest to be doing that today, did you?"


To be honest, Craig, I've never given it much thought. However if someone asked me what the company Everest were doing today, I would probably do a bit of research and confidently predict that they would indeed be doing insulation and energy saving of some sort at some gentleman's house or place of business. Now fuck off.




Not much to say about that one really is there? The "OK YAR!" bit is particularly galling however. This next one (don't worry, it's the penultimate one) has been suggested by Dan:




Watch your back Laurence Olivier! You're not the only good actor to come out of Britain you know - just look at that cunt!


And now, ladies and gentlemen, we get to the final advert. And my goodness, this is...well...I'm not sure what to say about it, to be honest. Let me just say that every time I watch it - EVERY time - I laugh. I've even linked to it on my Twitter page. Three times.


I can just imagine the board meeting now. After being rejected by Stephen Fry, Leonardo di Caprio, Kate Winslet, Will Smith...the good people at VanCompare needed someone a little less famous. Someone who hadn't been in the glare of the public eye for a wee while. Preferably someone who was still well known, and didn't dress like an absolute fucking gimp.

Instead they got Andy Scott from the 70s band The Sweet. If you haven't seen this advert before - you are in for a wonderful, wonderful treat. If you have - why don't you watch it again with me, and saviour the genius?



As Dan just said to me on MSN: "What exactly were they thinking? It's the fact no-one knows who the fuck he is and he looks like a silly dickwad."


Wise words from one so young. And on that note, I'll leave all these ghastly things behind, for now.


Until next time kids!

Major Boothroyd

I read an interesting blog entry about queuing the other day which was quite thought-provoking. In the past year or so I've found myself getting annoyed standing in queues, even though I've always considered myself a patient person. This might just be me getting grumpier as I get older, or it may be a reflection on the society we live in currently.

Take Sky Sports News for example, a TV channel I watch often, mainly because the women on it are outstanding (yes, I'm shallow, deal with it). With this channel, and others like it, news is instant. To watch it, the viewer demands information, right then, right now, and when we get bored with that news, we need something else! Doesn't matter what - anything! It's got to the stage with that channel that if a Luton Town reserve player signed a contract extension it would probably be the yellow scrolling "Breaking News" bar along the bottom of the screen. We, the viewer, seem to crave an instant fix, regardless of how boring and insignificant it is.

It's the same for me, right now, sitting at my laptop. Once I finish typing this (which will be a while, as I'm rambling) I will have open: My Blogger dashboard, TweetDeck, MSN Messenger, Gmail, Facebook, and my Uni email. (and in a few hours time I'll have the baseball on, at which point my computer will explode) The reason for all this is that I'm a victim of this "instant society" - if I get an email, I want to read it straight away. If someone comments on this blog entry, I want to read the comment straight away. Tim Lovejoy's tweeted?! I want to read it, NOW! Instant! Instant! Instant!

I'm starting to think this is what makes me irritable and frustrated when I'm standing in the queue in Greggs and the lady in front of me is dithering (great word), and all I want to do is pay for my greasy lunchtime snack and exit ASAP. Society nowadays doesn't seem to want to wait, for anything, even for a second. I've become a victim of that, and it saddens me.