Alwyn first came to my attention with his frankly bizarre attack on local shops and his brazen defence of that towering monolithic bastard, Tesco.
After a brief pause, he was back with a vengeance thanks to his scathing attack on a woman on an antiques programme.
And finally there was his contribution to that mad day when The Star's letters page went berserk with nonsense.
But this.....this, my friends, outstrips all of those. After initially being slightly annoyed by Alwyn, I now love him, as I recognise him for what he is - a first class wind-up merchant. Here's his latest effort - and I for one love it:
I have just been watching a bit of Genius of Britain on Channel Four.
I was going to watch that series actually, but I chose not to in the end. Instead I discussed with Dan on MSN who the fittest S Club 7 member was. I think we all know it was Bradley.
And then that "I am a genius in a wheelchair" Steven (sic) Hawking came on and it was time to turn off.
This is bad of me, as a university student, but I'm just going to consult the online encyclopaedia wikipedia for a brief Stephen Hawking biography. Here are the main aspects to his life:
- Honorary Fellow of the Royal Society of Arts
- Lifetime member of the Pontifical Academy of Sciences
- Awarded CBE
- Awarded Presidential Medal of Freedom
- Professor of Mathematics at Cambridge University
- Distinguished Research Chair at the Perimeter Institute for Theoretical Physics
- Best-selling author (book was on the Best Sellers List for 237 weeks)
- Eddington Medal winner
- Hughes Medal winner
- Albert Einstein Medal winner
- Franklin Medal winner
- Gold Medal of the Royal Astronomical Society winner
- Awarded Wolf Prize in Physics
- Awarded Companion of Honour
- Awarded Julius Edgar Lilienfeld Prize
- Earned a Ph.D.
- Professional Fellow at Gonville and Caius College, Cambridge
- Awarded Copley Medal of the Royal Society
- Prince of Asturias Award winner
Throughout his career he has studied, amongst other things:
- Quantum cosmology
- Cosmic inflation
- The density matrix of the universe
- Topology and structure of the universe
- Quantum entanglement
- String theory
- Euclidean quantum gravity
- Gravitational radiation
- Theoretical cosmology
With all this very firmly in mind, let's carry on with Alwyn's letter...
He was the "genius" of science who said one day time travel may be possible. That sentence alone was enough to show what an idiot the man is.
This is bad of me, as a university student, but I'm just going to consult the encyclopaedia of Alwyn Cox, Alwynpedia, for a brief Stephen Hawking biography. Here's what it says:
- Idiot in a wheelchair
If time travel is or was ever to be possible where are the time travellers. It makes no difference in time when time travel is invented, if it was ever to be possible the time travellers would have been around since the beginning of time, we would not be studying fossils of dinosaurs, we would be looking at films of them, or walking around in the past with them.
Look, I've got no bloody clue about any of this stuff, but I can't help thinking that Hawking would have perhaps pondered this dilemma at some point before. Perhaps you should ask him this stuff, not me. Would take a few minutes for him to reply, mind.
So Alwyn has just thrown Hawking under the bus (not literally, that would be hideous to watch). Who else can he shit on in this letter? Are you excited? I am!
So in my opinion he is just as daft as Einstein, because he talked a lot of rubbish also.
First Hawking, now Einstein. Alwyn is ballin' right now!
His biggest load of rubbish was his theory of relativity.
Rubbish. Crap. Bollocks. Fucking shit Albert!
And what was that about bees?
Apocryphal, that's what it was: http://www.snopes.com/quotes/einstein/bees.asp
They are dying out all over the world, but is not the human race?
Sentence. No. Sense. Makes.
Do not forget the world is an orb, not flat like a dinner plate.
No idea, but then neither do you, so hey-ho.
End of letter! End of letter! End of the letter!
Outstanding. In recognition of Alwyn's wind-up nature, I've decided to add him to my list of deserving people who will receive an award on my birthday. The list now stands at:
- Jeremy Clarkson (services to common sense)
- Kriss Akabusi (services to the word "Awooga")
- Jeremy Spake (services to air travel)
- Maureen Rees (services to the car industry)
- Alwyn Cox from Oswestry (services to WUMmery)
Keep on writing in Alwyn. We all need a laugh under this government.