Help Me Please

"Before we progress and hear from Kelly on how she's getting on, I notice we have a new member here with us today. Would you like to take a moment and introduce yourselves to us please? Name, age, where you're from, perhaps an interesting fact about you?"

(stands up and clears throat) "Erm....hi" (smiles feebly and does a little wave. The others in the circle smile back, encouragingly)

"my name's Ewar..." (everyone else continues to smile and mumble 'Hi Ewar')

"I'm 23, and I live in Lovejoy Towers, Battersea. Erm...I am related to the Corrs"

"How lovely. Of course, we are all here for the same reason - tell us, when did your addiction start?"

"I don't know, Wendy. It just kind of evolved slowly over time (some nods from the others) and now it's at it's absolute worse. Yesterday was a particularly awful experience, where I suffered a real set-back. I thought I could beat it, on my own, I really did, but it seems I cannot"

"That is understandable. Don't worry, you are in good company here, and we are committed to helping you. Tell us, what exactly did your setback yesterday entail? It is better to say it out loud and get it out in the open, we believe"

(looks nervous) "Well....I just happened to walk past the Waterstones in Telford Shopping Centre. Of course, I knew it was there, but normally I close my eyes and ignore it. But yesterday, I couldn't. I JUST COULDN'T! I walked in, and was immediately confronted by a section dedicated to notable US literature..." (bursts into tears)

(An old man shakes his head, slowly. 'The bastards, the absolute bastards. They prey on us' he says, sadly.)

"Let it all out, Ewar. What happened?"

John Updike - Rabbit, Run

Mark Twain - Huck Finn

Kurt Vonnegut - Slaughterhouse 5

Zora Neale Hurston - Their Eyes Were Watching God

That's what happened. Which wouldn't be too bad, if it weren't for the fact that earlier on today I logged on to The Book People and ordered a reference book and a crossword dictionary. AND THEN I just happened to pop into The Works in Wolverhampton and picked out a book by a chap called Paul McDonald. No idea who he is, bet it's rubbish.

Anyway, my transformation into The Plashing Vole gathers pace. I'll be waving a red flag next.

Now, don't suppose you could lend me a few quid, could you. I'll pay you back, I SWEAR!

EDIT - Just to give you some scale - I think that splurge now brings the amount of books I've bought but am planning to read one day to a rather impressive 27. And that does not include a whole series of books I wish to re-read. Wow.

Congratulations Ben Folds!

Because you win at life.

I'm sure by now you will have heard of ChatRoulette. If you haven't, it's a rather silly and pointless exercise where people activate their web-cams and video-chat to random strangers. As with all of these things, the dregs of society have swiftly crawled all over it, with their favourite "joke" being to sit in front of their cameras stark bollock naked. Actually, that reminds me of that Bree Olsen live feed I was watching the other night...

Anyway. One particular chap, known only as Merton, decided to do something an ickle bit different. Armed with a piano and a hint of strong language, he opted to free-style, musically!

That video has got pretty famous pretty damn quick, leading the splendid Ben Folds to do his own version at a concert he was hosting the other night at the Fillmore:

Splendid stuff all round. Although it wouldn't surprise me if Ben was actually Merton...

The Hegemon

Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh dear.

It's elections time at The Hegemon - a period of voting to see which upstanding and deserving person will be voted in to whichever Student Union position they are running for. Last night my lover, Dan, and I had a browse at the SU website to read/watch the manifestos of these fools we can vote for if we so desire. It was a very galling experience. Here are some brief lowlights:

Search for a venue to be seen as a Union for Students to go to during the day that isn’t too far from all campuses including City, Walsall and Compton.

ALL campuses? Well then you have to include Telford campus as well. So you're looking to find a venue that students can realistically get to, which isn't too far from Wolverhampton, Telford and Walsall. Good luck with that.

To lobby the University to change from a 3 strike Academic Misconduct system to a system of 2 strikes and you’re out.

As many of you know, I watch a bit of baseball. Of course, we're all familiar with the classic baseball parlance - 2 strikes and you're out.

Inspiration..it’s a big word and a word that excites me almost as much as the prospect of helping YOU to IMPROVE your experience at University. It’s YOU that matters most as the Activities Officer because without your INTERESTS and INTERACTION it’s a hollow role.

Stop shouting at me, for God's sake.

Here, I am running for the Academic Vice President post. I have been advised and told by other that this is a very hard, boring job.

Well, at least this guy is honest.

Hello person reading this! I’m ELLEN MARSHALL a 3rd year Drama and Performance student running for the position of WELFARE VICE PRESIDENT.

A Drama student - I would never have guessed.

I must make you aware of the fact before you vote that I am running for the position because I believe in making a difference, not purely because I want a job.

So it's purely because you want a job, then.

Bio: Current SU President, Business Marketing Student, Music Lover and General Party Animal.

Mission: YOUR WELFARE.

There are no words.

I will campaign for all lights to be turned off in rooms not in use and for all computers to be turned off when not in use, as leaving them on standby uses electricity and adds to climate change.

Yeah, good luck with that.

I have lived in Compton for three years and in my time here I feel that Compton has been the forgotten campus. It was not until I was an RA that Compton got recognised but even this was not a big enough improvement. When the Best Mate scheme was created I was the only Best Mate based in Compton. I worked hard to make sure people knew what was going during freshers' week. I want to be the voice of Compton as I feel that as a campus we do not have a voice or a say. If I become the Compton Officer I promise to make sure Compton is heard at the highest level within the Students' Union and University. I will try and hold events at the Compton site so people know about Compton.

That's like one of my essays, where the question will have a key-phrase like "significant impact" and so I'll try my damn hardest to write that phrase about 6 times in the introduction alone.

"I am only one; but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something. I will not refuse to do the something I can do."

Hellen Killer.

That will be Helen Keller then, yes? She was many things, but a Killer certainly wasn't one of them.

With a believe in mind and faith in my heart I Jasmeet S. Dhir compete for the post of International officer, assuring to perform my duties whole-heartedly.

Alright son, calm down. You're gunning for a part-time, unpaid job, not leading men into Iraq.

VOTE FOR YOURSELF

(JASPAL SINGH)

I will do mate, cheers.

Hey! My name is Aurora Backhouse

Taking the piss, surely?

I want to make sure that students get the most out of there union and that everybody has an enjoyable experience.

THEIR! THEIR! THEIR! (jumps up and down on chair, screaming) THEIR! THEIR UNION!

I am very passionate about everybody getting the best out of there university experience.

I give up.

Which leads me neatly onto this:

In a fucking Che fucking Guevara fucking t-shirt.

What's that? N.J.Howard is leaving The Hegemon and moving to Cornwall? Can't blame him. Don't blame him. Can I come too, Neil?

S-mash-ing

You may have noticed that I haven't ridiculed a stupid letter into The Sloppy Star for a wee while. I don't know whether they've got a new letters page editor or something, because all the barmy ones seem to have dried up. Perhaps they've found this blog, who knows. Anyway, there's a letter in last night's paper which isn't really that mad, and it's not along the usual political lines either, but it's a bit bizarre and just tickled me, so let's have it. Step forward, Mr Keith Gaut from Donnington!

I have read with interest your article on which are the best fish and chips we've ever had.

Unbelievably, I missed that piece. Can't think how.

DID YOU KNOW? Your author, Mr Ewar Woowar of Lovejoy Towers, has never, ever, ever had fish and chips from a chippy. Is a facht, honest. When I was a kid, my Dad always used to get me a Pukka Pie and chips. Maybe even with mushy peas, if he'd been paid that week.

Nowadays when we go to our local chippy, I have two battered sausages and chips, if only for the phallic images provided.

Well, I am fast approaching 60 now and I can say I have tasted every chippy, restaurant, kebab, Greek, Turk, Oriental and Asian takeaways in Telford and in my opinion no-one can cook English traditional fish and chips like the ones I had in my youth. They were cooked by Percy Dean of Wrockwardine Wood.

Congratulations Percy Dean!

He purchased only the best products and the freshest fish and never worried about the cost.

You know at Christmas time, when an elderly relative has been at the cooking sherry and begins to ramble on, telling you inane stories about his youth? This is like that - except in real life you can bring someone else over to listen to him and then quietly slope away. Here, we're stuck reading this.

And if I'm going to listen to the whole of this story, I'm taking you with me.

He changed the fat every week and you could tell they were 100% better than any you can buy locally today.

I knew a girl who's parents owned a chippy actually. She was a nice girl, but she did smell.

The queues outside the shop were longer than you could imagine.

Not too sure what the point of this letter is anymore, except for the old clichéd "When I were a lad, this country was proper! I woke up at 5am every morning to get ready to go down t'pit - and I had to cycle 12 miles to get there laddie!"

He even had weekly visits from people in the West Midlands who came over just for his fish and chips.

You worked for Percy Dean didn't you? Don't try and deny it.

Today's healthy eating freaks

Freaks.

won't know how delicious chips cooked in lard and dripping are compared to those done in vegetable oil.

No joke - one of my arteries just clogged up reading that.

There is no comparison, believe me I'm an expert.

Alright mate, calm down. You've been to a few chippys in the Telford and Wrekin area in your 60 years, it's not like you've got a degree in it.

Actually, Vole, put a word in at The Hegemon - a uni course based on fish and chips and other takeaway foods would be excellent. You could get Frank to lecture on it, as chips and Diet Coke together is a fine combination.

DID YOU KNOW? Your author, Mr Ewar Woowar of Lovejoy Towers, prefers mayonnaise on his chips rather than tomato ketchup. Is a facht.

Restaurants serve frozen oven chips and to me they are as tasty as a raw spud.

END OF THE LETTER! END...OF...THE...LETTER!

In conclusion - fish and chips. SRS BIZNIZ.

Extraordinary

Yes, I know I'm busy, but a) I can't ignore this and b) I'm determined to put this on my blog before the Vole does.

That picture, to me, is brilliant, brave, unsettling, true, clever and extremely thought-provoking.

Very well played, Steve Bell.

Busy as a Bee

Hullo.

I know I've been quiet lately, but as any Hegemon people reading this will know, it's a bit hectic here currently. At the moment I have 3 essays to write, 1 reading diary to make up and 1 interview assignment to do, all before Saturday. Hence I've not had much time to blog these past few days, nor will I be able to do so the rest of this week either.

But as I'm having some lunch and a quick breather right now, I thought I would just point out to you all that I'm still alive. How are you anyway? I love the shoes.

Anyway, that's my sandwich finished. Enjoy this video, and I'll blog again soon. Don't know where....don't know whennnnnnnnnnn.

Sean and Sarah Smith

The other day I was talking to someone about films when they uttered the words "To be honest, I've never seen any of the Star Wars movies". So I threw him to the ground and repeatedly stamped on his head, the stupid dick. I ain't having that.

But on my way home I began to reflect on something my good friend Dan (waves at Dan) has told me many times - that he doesn't like curry. Now, to me, that's completely mental, but I suppose it just goes to show how everyone is different. And that in turn led me to ponder about things that seem to be universally popular, but I just don't "get" for some reason. So, excuse the self-indulgence, but here's a list of things I don't "get" and you can tell me why I'm wrong or whether you agree...

The Beatles - I'll happily admit part of this is my prejudice against L****pool, but they've never done it for me. I love 'Hey Jude', and I could probably hum along to a few of their songs, but I just don't get the hero worship that seems to surround them. Give me the Stones or the Kinks over them any day.

Avatar - Congratulations, you've made a film with lots of excellent special effects. That's great. But what you also have is essentially a 3 hour film with a simple re-telling of the Pocahontas story. I'll pass, thanks. Talking about James Cameron...

Titanic - I've got better things to do with my time than sit and watch a boat sink for 3 hours, thanks. In fact, pretty much all disaster movies are shit.

Gavin and Stacey - Comedy for chavs, by chavs.

Friends - This is a bit harsh, as I don't mind Friends. But again it's the hero worship that seems to go with it that baffles me. It certainly doesn't come close to the innovation of Cheers, or the smartness of Frasier, yet there must be a reason why C4 have been repeating it non-stop for about 10 years. Just don't "get" that.

Eastenders/Coronation Street/Hollyoaks/any other UK soap - I know people who watch these religiously, and plan their whole evenings around them. I mean, really. Eastenders is depressing, and consists of Cockneys shouting at each other and saying "Leave it aaat!" Coronation Street is just a silly Northern stereotype, and Hollyoaks is just a bunch of chavs. Life is difficult/tough enough without taking on the burden of watching other people's problems.

Dr Who -Absolute nonsense watched solely by nerds, who sit in their bedrooms and jump up and down shouting "Oh my god! That enemy hasn't been encountered by the Doctor since 1974!" before ejaculating. And David Tennant is not attractive, as every woman seemingly thinks - he's a very strange looking man who only has one expression to convey any emotion.

Lesbian Porn - Not nearly as enjoyable as it should be, to be frankly honest.

Johnny Depp - Don't think I've ever watched a film of his that I liked. Overrated.

Sin City - Dan's going to be cross at me for ranting about this again, but I can't help it, it is quite literally the worst film of all time.

Twilight/Robert Pattinson - Just.......no.

Snickers - In fact, ANYTHING with peanuts in. Disgusting.

Oasis vs Blur - Why couldn't I like both?

Realitv TV - For brain-dead people.

High School Musical films - I don't normally want to wish death on people, but, really.

Jordan/Alex Reid/Peter Andre - See above.

Cheryl Cole - Fortunate that she has a very good stylist nowadays. Let's not forget about that nightclub incident either (I'll not mention it, but google it if you don't know)

Princess Diana - I don't wish to speak ill of the deceased, and this is more the nation's infatuation with her than anything else. In a 2002 poll, she was voted in the Top 10 Britons of all time, ahead of Darwin, Turing, Shakespeare, Newton, Lennon, Nelson. I mean, seriously?

That's all I can think of for now. Perhaps I'm just a very angry young man, incapable of liking anything. I'm off to eat some more bile, toodles!