S-mash-ing

You may have noticed that I haven't ridiculed a stupid letter into The Sloppy Star for a wee while. I don't know whether they've got a new letters page editor or something, because all the barmy ones seem to have dried up. Perhaps they've found this blog, who knows. Anyway, there's a letter in last night's paper which isn't really that mad, and it's not along the usual political lines either, but it's a bit bizarre and just tickled me, so let's have it. Step forward, Mr Keith Gaut from Donnington!

I have read with interest your article on which are the best fish and chips we've ever had.

Unbelievably, I missed that piece. Can't think how.

DID YOU KNOW? Your author, Mr Ewar Woowar of Lovejoy Towers, has never, ever, ever had fish and chips from a chippy. Is a facht, honest. When I was a kid, my Dad always used to get me a Pukka Pie and chips. Maybe even with mushy peas, if he'd been paid that week.

Nowadays when we go to our local chippy, I have two battered sausages and chips, if only for the phallic images provided.

Well, I am fast approaching 60 now and I can say I have tasted every chippy, restaurant, kebab, Greek, Turk, Oriental and Asian takeaways in Telford and in my opinion no-one can cook English traditional fish and chips like the ones I had in my youth. They were cooked by Percy Dean of Wrockwardine Wood.

Congratulations Percy Dean!

He purchased only the best products and the freshest fish and never worried about the cost.

You know at Christmas time, when an elderly relative has been at the cooking sherry and begins to ramble on, telling you inane stories about his youth? This is like that - except in real life you can bring someone else over to listen to him and then quietly slope away. Here, we're stuck reading this.

And if I'm going to listen to the whole of this story, I'm taking you with me.

He changed the fat every week and you could tell they were 100% better than any you can buy locally today.

I knew a girl who's parents owned a chippy actually. She was a nice girl, but she did smell.

The queues outside the shop were longer than you could imagine.

Not too sure what the point of this letter is anymore, except for the old clichéd "When I were a lad, this country was proper! I woke up at 5am every morning to get ready to go down t'pit - and I had to cycle 12 miles to get there laddie!"

He even had weekly visits from people in the West Midlands who came over just for his fish and chips.

You worked for Percy Dean didn't you? Don't try and deny it.

Today's healthy eating freaks

Freaks.

won't know how delicious chips cooked in lard and dripping are compared to those done in vegetable oil.

No joke - one of my arteries just clogged up reading that.

There is no comparison, believe me I'm an expert.

Alright mate, calm down. You've been to a few chippys in the Telford and Wrekin area in your 60 years, it's not like you've got a degree in it.

Actually, Vole, put a word in at The Hegemon - a uni course based on fish and chips and other takeaway foods would be excellent. You could get Frank to lecture on it, as chips and Diet Coke together is a fine combination.

DID YOU KNOW? Your author, Mr Ewar Woowar of Lovejoy Towers, prefers mayonnaise on his chips rather than tomato ketchup. Is a facht.

Restaurants serve frozen oven chips and to me they are as tasty as a raw spud.

END OF THE LETTER! END...OF...THE...LETTER!

In conclusion - fish and chips. SRS BIZNIZ.