Wednesday, 17 March 2010

The Hegemon

Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh dear.

It's elections time at The Hegemon - a period of voting to see which upstanding and deserving person will be voted in to whichever Student Union position they are running for. Last night my lover, Dan, and I had a browse at the SU website to read/watch the manifestos of these fools we can vote for if we so desire. It was a very galling experience. Here are some brief lowlights:

Search for a venue to be seen as a Union for Students to go to during the day that isn’t too far from all campuses including City, Walsall and Compton.

ALL campuses? Well then you have to include Telford campus as well. So you're looking to find a venue that students can realistically get to, which isn't too far from Wolverhampton, Telford and Walsall. Good luck with that.

To lobby the University to change from a 3 strike Academic Misconduct system to a system of 2 strikes and you’re out.

As many of you know, I watch a bit of baseball. Of course, we're all familiar with the classic baseball parlance - 2 strikes and you're out.’s a big word and a word that excites me almost as much as the prospect of helping YOU to IMPROVE your experience at University. It’s YOU that matters most as the Activities Officer because without your INTERESTS and INTERACTION it’s a hollow role.

Stop shouting at me, for God's sake.

Here, I am running for the Academic Vice President post. I have been advised and told by other that this is a very hard, boring job.

Well, at least this guy is honest.

Hello person reading this! I’m ELLEN MARSHALL a 3rd year Drama and Performance student running for the position of WELFARE VICE PRESIDENT.

A Drama student - I would never have guessed.

I must make you aware of the fact before you vote that I am running for the position because I believe in making a difference, not purely because I want a job.

So it's purely because you want a job, then.

Bio: Current SU President, Business Marketing Student, Music Lover and General Party Animal.

There are no words.

I will campaign for all lights to be turned off in rooms not in use and for all computers to be turned off when not in use, as leaving them on standby uses electricity and adds to climate change.

Yeah, good luck with that.

I have lived in Compton for three years and in my time here I feel that Compton has been the forgotten campus. It was not until I was an RA that Compton got recognised but even this was not a big enough improvement. When the Best Mate scheme was created I was the only Best Mate based in Compton. I worked hard to make sure people knew what was going during freshers' week. I want to be the voice of Compton as I feel that as a campus we do not have a voice or a say. If I become the Compton Officer I promise to make sure Compton is heard at the highest level within the Students' Union and University. I will try and hold events at the Compton site so people know about Compton.

That's like one of my essays, where the question will have a key-phrase like "significant impact" and so I'll try my damn hardest to write that phrase about 6 times in the introduction alone.

"I am only one; but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something. I will not refuse to do the something I can do."
Hellen Killer.

That will be Helen Keller then, yes? She was many things, but a Killer certainly wasn't one of them.

With a believe in mind and faith in my heart I Jasmeet S. Dhir compete for the post of International officer, assuring to perform my duties whole-heartedly.

Alright son, calm down. You're gunning for a part-time, unpaid job, not leading men into Iraq.


I will do mate, cheers.

Hey! My name is Aurora Backhouse

Taking the piss, surely?

I want to make sure that students get the most out of there union and that everybody has an enjoyable experience.

THEIR! THEIR! THEIR! (jumps up and down on chair, screaming) THEIR! THEIR UNION!

I am very passionate about everybody getting the best out of there university experience.

I give up.

Which leads me neatly onto this:

In a fucking Che fucking Guevara fucking t-shirt.

What's that? N.J.Howard is leaving The Hegemon and moving to Cornwall? Can't blame him. Don't blame him. Can I come too, Neil?


  1. I think you've covered the major inanities. Good job. There's also a campus at Burton (nurses) and Compton's closing.

    Chasing cheats is the university's job. Fighting job cuts, course closures, module abolition, overcrowding etc: that's the union's job. Oh dear, no room for that.

  2. The saddest thing is is that "Vote fooooor Matt Cobb" has my vote (which won't be going in a ballot box).
    Also, I hope Aurora has a team behind her/him called The Backhouse Boys (like the Bookhouse Boys, geddit?).