Thursday, 25 February 2010

Sean and Sarah Smith

The other day I was talking to someone about films when they uttered the words "To be honest, I've never seen any of the Star Wars movies". So I threw him to the ground and repeatedly stamped on his head, the stupid dick. I ain't having that.

But on my way home I began to reflect on something my good friend Dan (waves at Dan) has told me many times - that he doesn't like curry. Now, to me, that's completely mental, but I suppose it just goes to show how everyone is different. And that in turn led me to ponder about things that seem to be universally popular, but I just don't "get" for some reason. So, excuse the self-indulgence, but here's a list of things I don't "get" and you can tell me why I'm wrong or whether you agree...

The Beatles - I'll happily admit part of this is my prejudice against L****pool, but they've never done it for me. I love 'Hey Jude', and I could probably hum along to a few of their songs, but I just don't get the hero worship that seems to surround them. Give me the Stones or the Kinks over them any day.

Avatar - Congratulations, you've made a film with lots of excellent special effects. That's great. But what you also have is essentially a 3 hour film with a simple re-telling of the Pocahontas story. I'll pass, thanks. Talking about James Cameron...

Titanic - I've got better things to do with my time than sit and watch a boat sink for 3 hours, thanks. In fact, pretty much all disaster movies are shit.

Gavin and Stacey - Comedy for chavs, by chavs.

Friends - This is a bit harsh, as I don't mind Friends. But again it's the hero worship that seems to go with it that baffles me. It certainly doesn't come close to the innovation of Cheers, or the smartness of Frasier, yet there must be a reason why C4 have been repeating it non-stop for about 10 years. Just don't "get" that.

Eastenders/Coronation Street/Hollyoaks/any other UK soap - I know people who watch these religiously, and plan their whole evenings around them. I mean, really. Eastenders is depressing, and consists of Cockneys shouting at each other and saying "Leave it aaat!" Coronation Street is just a silly Northern stereotype, and Hollyoaks is just a bunch of chavs. Life is difficult/tough enough without taking on the burden of watching other people's problems.

Dr Who -Absolute nonsense watched solely by nerds, who sit in their bedrooms and jump up and down shouting "Oh my god! That enemy hasn't been encountered by the Doctor since 1974!" before ejaculating. And David Tennant is not attractive, as every woman seemingly thinks - he's a very strange looking man who only has one expression to convey any emotion.

Lesbian Porn - Not nearly as enjoyable as it should be, to be frankly honest.

Johnny Depp - Don't think I've ever watched a film of his that I liked. Overrated.

Sin City - Dan's going to be cross at me for ranting about this again, but I can't help it, it is quite literally the worst film of all time.

Twilight/Robert Pattinson -

Snickers - In fact, ANYTHING with peanuts in. Disgusting.

Oasis vs Blur - Why couldn't I like both?

Realitv TV - For brain-dead people.

High School Musical films - I don't normally want to wish death on people, but, really.

Jordan/Alex Reid/Peter Andre - See above.

Cheryl Cole - Fortunate that she has a very good stylist nowadays. Let's not forget about that nightclub incident either (I'll not mention it, but google it if you don't know)

Princess Diana - I don't wish to speak ill of the deceased, and this is more the nation's infatuation with her than anything else. In a 2002 poll, she was voted in the Top 10 Britons of all time, ahead of Darwin, Turing, Shakespeare, Newton, Lennon, Nelson. I mean, seriously?

That's all I can think of for now. Perhaps I'm just a very angry young man, incapable of liking anything. I'm off to eat some more bile, toodles!


  1. A frankly so-good-it's-arousing idea for a post, and one which I may rip off if I can just think of a way of pretending it's my idea.

    Largely agree, although peanuts are great and I do thoroughly enjoy willy-free porn, having, to my eternal frustration, never developed a taste for testicles.

  2. Only 1974 enemies I can think of that might return are the Ice Warriors, and that's just wishful thinking.

  3. ...and I did rip off your idea on me blog o'er yonder. Should be doing some uni work, though.