Thursday, 16 June 2011

MOAR Letters!

No small talk. Let's rattle on through some more bonkers letters.


What a wonderful wedding.

As mentioned last time, I've taken these letters from papers over the last month or so. This one is from May 11th so we're on the William/Kate wedding here. I'm sure you realised that already but hey ho.

A handsome prince, an accomplished and beautiful bride. Our Queen and Prince Philip looking happy and immaculate. 

I did not watch it, but from the pictures I've seen it looks that way. I'm pleased for William and Kate, I really am. Thankyou, Peter Hollingworth, for writing in this lovely letter about a lovely wedding. I like this letter a lot, so far, and as long as you don't do something mental like use the Royal Wedding to shoehorn in a criticism of the EU, I'll be with you every step of the way.

Lots of ordinary people in the congregation with foreign royalty and leaders of the Commonwealth countries - and not an EU representative in sight.

I give up, I really do. This is like the "Nick Clegg's fault" thing which went around Twitter a few months back, except this isn't tongue in cheek. This is horribly, nightmarishly real.

It's just started raining here. THAT'S YOUR FAULT, ANDRE AGASSI!

A truly British event and a day to be remembered.

So you shouldn't be moaning. By the way, wasn't Clegg there? And wasn't he an MEP?

Why can't our MPs realise it is time to change tacks and to get back with the Commonwealth we created, before Heath turned his back on it.

Bring back the Empire, what I always say. Sort out these funny chaps with a right British slap, what!

What made him want to be a good little European? Was it his own way of getting his own back on General de Gaulle who, as President of France, not only said "No" to our first application but added: "The British people will never be European". Now most under 60-year-olds think they are European - their passport tells them so.

Anyone still trying to work out the connection here between this guff and the wedding? Anyone? Bueller?

But if they look at a map they will see that the nearest point of the European continent is 22 miles from us across the sea.

I know I say this every time, but this must be the shittiest thing ever written. TWENTY TWO MILES! OH MY GOD! Can you even IMAGINE that distance? Wow, mainland Europe is SO FAR AWAY.

We can't afford the £45m plus which we give Brussels every day, nor the 70% of laws being imposed on Parliament by Brussels. Get us out. I enjoyed being British again.

Peter Hollingworth
Harborne, Birmingham

And you are writing into The Shropshire Star because......?


So that's why we're in kill Bin Laden.

Well, there's a number of reasons we, and others, are in Afghanistan. These reasons are valid and I completely support the troops that are out there. Bin Laden? Well, as a key member of Al Qaeda, he was always going to be in the firing line (literally). I have slight reservations about how he was removed, but I understand, with some regret, that Army boys don't mess about. In the long run his death doesn't change anything, really, but it was a powerful, highly symbolic moment.

I see, how clever. I thought it was to give democracy to the Afghan people, to control the cocaine market and put two fingers up to the Russians. 

You thought right! Well done. The influx of nasty drugs from Afghanistan and it's neighbours (nudge nudge, wink wink Pakistan!) presents the biggest danger to our young people, in my opinion.

So that's why British troops have died, revenge for 9/11. I see, so Obama can be re-elected.

Dude, you've now given us six possible reasons for why we're in Afghanistan. You were correct with...I'mma say three, with the Obama thing a tad cynical but probably true.

It only took them four years to plan and execute the killing of the most wanted man in the world.

Quick summary of this letter: "It is a disgrace that troops were in Afghanistan to kill Bin Laden. What took you so long you muppets, why didn't you kill him STRAIGHT AWAY?!"

I know we should have invaded Zimbabwe and got rid of dictators. Not played up to them like Libya, Pakistan and most of the Middle East.

I've addressed this before, so I shan't again. But, John, please please please tell me how we could have/can invade Zimbabwe. Please do!

Clue: You can't.

Yet we must obey our masters, the Americans. They know best.

John R Brown

I dealt with you last time - I remember the name. Will have to keep an eye on you.


Now is the time for the Conservatives to demand Mr Cameron call an election.


It is quite obvious that this country can no longer be governed by a coalition.


We must remove Mr Clegg and his Lib Dems. No more immigration. No more EU. No more windmills.

GT Inwood

Fuck windmills. I'm serious.

I was stopped by a man in the street the other day, doing a survey on the threats of society. On his list of options he had: Drugs, climate change, terrorism, global pandemic, nuclear weaponry, the EU (naturally). I realised then that he was a complete amateur.

"Windmills" I softly said to him, as I handed his clipboard back to him without ticking any of the boxes. "Windmills" I repeated, before turning and slowly walking away.


One more letter for you now, and I've deliberately left this one till last. If anyone has ANY idea what the living fuck this is all about, please, leave a comment below. If you can, you're a better person than I am. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you....this.

One has often wondered how Dr Samuel Johnson, the eminent lexicographer, managed to compile the wonderful dictionary.

This is a very fair point - seriously. When you sit and think about it, what a staggering achievement. How DID he do it? It's a real shame that when I see his name, I automatically think of Robbie Coltrane and that Blackadder (III?) episode, instead of the man himself and his fine, fine achievement.

The term happiness is a state of mind and the word utopia enters our picture.

The term 'happiness' is a state of mind....okay, right....and the word 'utopia' enters our picture...

Not entirely sure about the second bit, but go on.

Numerous citizens "ate" political correctness as a base for a form of reasoning, drawing comparisons to the days before New Labour's Human Rights Act - a misconception surely?

Emyr Davies

Is it me? Am I being thick, and just not getting that?

I've read that letter about 15 times, and I'm still none the wiser. Congratulations Emyr, you've silenced me. Answers in the comment box please.


  1. I assumed at first that 'windmills' was a reference to Cervantes (though I wasn't quite sure how exactly) then realised they meant 'actual' windmills. Shitting hell.

    As for Emyr, what he means is as plain as the nose on your face.

    Allow me to explain:

    If you 'ate' political correctness then Samuel Johnson's point about utopia coming into the picture would make sure that the EU's laws about the Daily Mail being the cure for cancer should vote conservative or accept the fact that the British Empire invented the wheel.

    Hope that is clear now.

  2. Weird to say the least!
    I think of Balckadder too when anyone mentions Dr. Johnson.

    ‘Utopia’ from the Greek derivation means ‘not + place’ and was the title of Sir Thomas More’s book (1516) – well before Johnson’s dictionary.

    The rest of the letter just does not make sense.

    Is Mr. Davies of Wrexham trying to say that political correctness and the Human Rights Act have somehow created new coinages like Johnson’s dictionary???????
    Perhaps someone should write to the Shropshire Star’s letter page asking why they print such enigmatic drivel and demand that Mr Davies explains what point he is trying to make.

  3. I have literally no idea what Emyr's on about. But Utopia is Greek for 'nowhere', not some perfect idyll.

    As for the little Englander: perhaps a letter to the Star pointing out that Churchill (half-American of course) was very keen to set up a US of Europe (and won the Charlemagne prize for it) and tried to merge France and Britain in 1940.

  4. 'No more immigration. No more EU. No more windmills.' Brilliant!

    I have to concede, though, those windmills are a sign of the creeping Dutchification of our once proud British culture. Have you noticed how there have been no new hills built lately? It's because we're so afraid of offending Dutch immigrants, who have no history of hill-walking in their culture. It's political correctness gone mad! It's like stamping on the grave of that poor lad from the Hovis adverts who walks up a hill or something. Did you know, as well, yesterday I had breakfast in a proper British restaurant (Frankie and Benny's) and what do they put on the eggs these days? Fucking Hollandaise sauce! That's French for Dutch!

    97% of Facebook users wouldn't post this as their status, etcetera....