Wotcha?
Twitter, that horrid little online world of reactionary views and unoriginal jokes, is all abuzz right about now because of a woman called Nadine Dorries.
Dorries, for those of you who don't know, is a Tory Scum MP who recently confessed that her online blog, set up to engage with us "normal" folk, was "mostly fiction" and "relied heavily on poetic licence." She's also been up to funny stuff with a married man, allegedly. Dorries has been making the news today because of comments she made in the Commons earlier, but Twitter is funny in that it's a bit like Chinese Whispers - sometimes things can get twisted and contorted, other times things get spread around even when they're fake (much like a "quote" supposedly said by Martin Luther King the other day) so let's look at what Dorries exactly said:
Teenage girls must be given lessons in how to say no to sex, a Conservative MP has told Parliament. Speaking in the Commons, Nadine Dorries proposed that would result in classes in abstinence, but only for girls aged 13 to 16. She said society was "Saturated in sex" and teenagers should be taught that it was as "cool" to say no to sex as to know how to put a condom on their boyfriend.
"The answer to ending our constant struggle with the incredibly high rate of teenage sexual activity and underage pregnancies lies in teaching our girls and boys about the option of abstinence, the ability to "just say no" as part of their compulsory sex education." she said. "Peer pressure is a key contributor to early sexual activity in our country. Society is focused on sex. Teaching a child at the age of seven to apply a condom on a banana is almost saying 'Now go and try this for yourself.' Girls are taught to have safe sex, but not how to say no to a boyfriend who insists on sexual relations."
So how do we feel about all of that? Personally, I think Dorries is wrong in wanting a branch of sexual education to be taught to a specific gender - in this case, girls. What does that achieve? I have visions in my head of 13 year old girls leaving a classroom and feeling terrified that any boy passing them is going to demand intercourse with them. I don't have a problem with abstinence being mentioned in sex education classes, but to teach children to say "yes" or "no" is extremely unsafe and frankly stupid ground. I also find it horribly moralistic - "You MUST NOT say yes to this boy!" etc. Educate children thoroughly and let them make their own decisions in life. Besides, when I was 15 I remember girls saying "no" to me. Quite often, in fact. Come to think of it they were, and still are, particularly adept at doing that. Gutted.
Some more quotes and opinions can be found here: http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/2011/may/04/nadine-dorries-teenage-girls but I want to move on, because I want this blog post to be about this subject, rather than Dorries herself.
I went to a primary school, a middle school (for half a year) and a secondary school. In all of those days/months/years, the sex education given to me amounted to this:
a) In primary school, one day my class was divided into the boys and girls. The girls went off somewhere, to another room, to talk about God-knows-what. They didn't tell us afterwards, and to this day I don't know. This is a serious point however, which I'll get to in a minute.
Us lads got ushered into a room where we were greeted by a male teacher (there was only two in the school) who was also our football coach (I was the dependable left-back, thankyou very much). My memory is very hazy, I can't really remember what he told us, but it was something about sex - mainly what happened to boys in terms of ejaculation and erections and all the rest of it. We were about 11, and I understood NONE of it. I had no fucking idea what he was talking about, so I stopped listening. I messed about with my friend, and eventually we left the room and went back to class. The talk was never mentioned again.
b) Secondary school. We were about 15, and some cunts (I'm sorry, but they were) came into the school to give us a talk about sex that promised to be "fun". I hated every single fucking second of it - partly because I'm a quiet, shy person, but mainly because I didn't think how these people approached it was in the right manner. Example - at one point, we had to sit around in a big circle, and take turns to say our names but with a sexual term attached to it. For example - Charles Chlamydia, Patrick Penis (Yes, I know, tell me about it) and my poor friend Ivan who, as no-one could think of anything else, got branded Impotent Ivan. The reason behind doing this? I can't tell you - not then, not now. It was fucking awful, and embarrassing, and it achieved precisely nothing, except make me wish the ground could swallow me up. There was a few various other shitty things like that - I think at one point one of the guys waved a condom around to get a laugh - and then that was it. And like primary school, that was sex education done with.
In terms of sex education, my schools failed me. I didn't know it at the time, but whisking the girls away that day in primary school set a precedent in my mind - boys stuff is boys stuff, girls stuff is girls stuff, and clearly I didn't need to know the latter. Periods? Tampons? Female contraceptives? No good asking me, to be perfectly honest. Serious discussions about sexual infections, teen pregnancies, genitalia and non-penetrative sex? At school I was never in the position to discuss or be taught about any of those things.
A lot of people will say it shouldn't be the schools job to teach about sex. I disagree, mainly because a discussion about these things with strangers is better than with parents. Thinking about it, my parents never talked about sex with me. My Dad never talked about "birds and bees", my Mum never taught me about womens health. I suppose that if my schools failed me on this issue, so did my parents.
So how did I learn about sex? Well, we got the internet in 2000, when I was 13, and sitting here now, pretty much everything I know about sex has come from it. Most of that is, admittedly, because I'm a massive pervert and I watch shitloads of pornography, but some of it is because I was curious about stuff - stuff that I felt embarrassed to ask my parents about, stuff which I never got close to learning about at school. As I type this, I look out of my window and I see my little brother. I don't want him to grow up like that - to feel like sex is a taboo subject to be tiptoed around, or to find out what the inside of a vagina looks like by seeing a Dutch girl on a webcam opening her legs up. Who knows where I'll be when he's 12/13 (hopefully in Boston but probably still here) but I like to think that I'll put my arm round him and say "Look, this is no big deal, I'm cool talking about anything at all".
Going back to schools, and wrapping things up, what's the answer? I don't know what secondary school sex education is like right now, as I'm mid-20s, but I hope to God it's better than what I suffered. So much of sex education is based on frivolity. I understand that it's really tough to counter that when you're dealing with teenagers, but I'd like to see a more professional and grown up approach. Instead of having a big laugh, talk to students like they're adults - which they'll be one day, y 'know - and stress that sex shouldn't be a taboo subject but it is one that should be taken seriously. Knowledge is power, and I can't help thinking that perhaps it's a lack of knowledge which results in 17 year old girls walking round with pushchairs and prams. Outside of schools, make condoms more accessible, for fucks sake. Last time I bought some - and my God, it's been a while - I bought two for £3. Two for £3! Since then they've probably gone up in price as well. When I think about that, it doesn't surprise me a great deal that you see youths on The Jeremy Kyle Show who have gone around bonking young women and getting them up the duff. "Put something on the end of it!!!" Kyle will scream at them, but why would they pay that much for something that's seen as "uncool" and "unnecessary"? Knowledge is power, and if their sex education was anything like mine, they simply don't have it.
Thoughts?
Wednesday, 4 May 2011
Tuesday, 26 April 2011
It's Time! It's Time! IT'S! LETTERS! TIME!
I'll give you 100 points if you can tell me what my title is referencing there.
Hallo again all. I've been quiet recently, as you might have noticed. The truth is, a blasted thing called a thessertation is taking up all of my time at the moment. Initially I thought it would be fun to write, as you can choose the topic and warp it into something vaguely interesting. But now that I'm halfway through, I hate it. Please Lord, let me finish it soon. I never want to read a baseball book again, to be perfectly honest.
Nevertheless, I'm not here to moan, but instead to entertain. So, without further ado, let's have a look at some more letters into my local paper, The Sloppy Star. Trust me, some of these are beautiful.
What is happiness?
That's a good question, isn't it? What IS happiness? I don't want to get philosophical, or deep, so I won't. But it is something to ponder on. Let's see what our friend has to say in the rest of his letter. Could he be about to say something interesting, or bonkers?
Clue: I've included it in this blog post.
It could be a round of toast with what you want on it or a toasted sandwich.
Well...I suppose it could be. But it's interesting you say this, because...
I like toast.
I like a toasted sandwich.
But which is better? THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT!!
It might be a slice of homemade bread and butter - delicious for a lot, but not all can celebrate, due to an intolerance to gluten, but could eat a baked potato.
*head explodes*
But to bake a potato properly takes a long time in an energy-using electric or gas oven. What we want is a small compact electric machine to bake a potato, just one to satisfy our desire.
"Romeo and Juliet", copyright Ewar Woowar, 2011:
Romeo: "Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, and let mine desires be sated on the morn!"
Juliet: "My ears have not yet drunk a hundred words of that tongue's uttering, yet I know the sound: O Romeo! I would lay thee down on a bed o' thorns for your love. Embrace mine bosom and satisfy to one's heart content!"
Romeo: "Put your knickers back on and fuck off. I wanted a baked potato, you silly tart."
The bread toaster is well established, also the bread maker and the sandwich toaster.
By the way, I didn't miss the logic in his previous sentence, which was essentially: "Electric oven uses energy, booo! Let's create an electric machine which will...well....use energy."
One day we will have this economic machine for doing one potato as we like it, but when?
The question on everyone's lips.
Malcolm McIntyre-Ure
Llanbrynmair
Welsh. The nutty ones are ALWAYS Welsh.
===========================================================
The Prime Minister has stated that Britain could not stand by and do nothing whilst innocent people are being slaughtered in Libya.
Reasonable.
Really?
Yes.
Britain has been doing that for years with Zimbabwe.
A few years ago, when I was about 18, I'll happily admit I shared this view. But now I'm a bit older, and wiser, I've had to accept the logistics of it all. Mugabe is an evil bastard, but he's also smart. He's pretty friendly with the countries around him, and Zimbabwe is land-locked. Therefore it's pretty much impossible to get troops into there without kicking off an almighty dust up. And with troops already in Iraq and Afghanistan, as well as Libya and Syria teetering on the edge, we can't really afford a big ruckus down Africa way right now. It's sad for the Zimbabwean people - and I went to school with one who had fled - but shit happens, I'm afraid.
But then Zimbabwe has not got oil has it?
Can you excuse me for a second?
*Puts down can of Coke, opens wardrobe and rummages inside. Finds trusty cricket bat. Runs to letter writers address, rings doorbell and patiently waits. Smacks letter writer over the head repeatedly. Runs back home and wipes sweaty brow with cold can*
Apologies for that. Just that blaming everything on "all about oil innit guv?" is the thing I hate the most, this side of "illegal war".
JH Wood
Telford
AKA Jim Wood. We have previous, I'm pretty certain.
I am now very cross indeed. Who's next? I can cope with pretty much anyone except our old friend Val Dunc...
============================================================
Oh, Vince Cable thinks he is prime minister now, does he?
Hello Val.
*Keeps cricket bat nearby*
He's doddering about threatening the government with his nuclear weapons, while Clegg labours under the dream he runs the country.
That sentence is a lot funnier and more interesting when you imagine Cable literally threatening Cameron, Osborne et al with a nuclear warhead.
Cameron thinks educating any kids but our own is "spot on", although I agree with him on too much immigration.
Naturally. Send the buggers back, I say.
Did the big, white elephant in the room finally stamp on him?
Val, we've known each other for a few years now. And I know more than anybody that this letter isn't hitting the spot, y'know? It ain't....you. It isn't you, Val! Come on. Go back to what you're good at.
Meanwhile, the EU
Well done.
stamps all over us and bleeds us to death. The human rights commission tells us what we can and can't do.
Fuck human rights. I'm serious.
Fuck you and your "human rights". It's time they're banned, actually. Let me create a Facebook group for this.
And the directives continue to be rubber-stamped as they pour in. Who, exactly, is in charge here?
Val Duncan
Wellington
Not you, thankfully.
============================================================
Everyone is coming round to the view that there is no military solution to Afghanistan. The Afghan War is a disaster.
Allan Tucker
Oswestry
Thanks Allan! As wrong-headed as ever.
===========================================================
Cut Trident, not jobs, education and health, and no to nuclear power. It's expensive and not worth the risk.
Allan Tucker
Oswestry
Thanks Allan! You've gone 0-2 these past few letters. Have a day off.
===========================================================
The final letter in this clusterfuck was alerted to me by reader and teacher extraordinare Don. Thankyou, sir.
When I do these blog posts I try to pick letters which are silly, and wrong, but coherent enough to have something to discuss and poke fun at. This letter, however....well, you'll see.
So it is a lovely sunny day, the sky is blue...or is it?
An intriguing start, I'm sure you'll agree. In other news, I just had to let it auto-correct "intriguing". The one word I ALWAYS misspell.
Wait a moment the sky is not really blue, it is a hazy white. Why?
I'm excited. Let's go for it.
Did you know that we are systematically and daily being sprayed by government planes with toxic waste that is supposed to stop the global warming problem?
Reading this, I am reminded of a man I like very, very much called Mike Carlson. One or two people reading this will know who he is, I'd wager most people won't however. Basically, Mike Carlson is ace, he's cool, and I wish he was my dad.
I am reminded of Mike Carlson because when he was on Channel 5 a few years back co-presenting their baseball coverage, he used to signify something dumb happening (a bad error on the field, a dumb trade off of it, him getting the trivia question wrong etc) by making his fingers into a gun and pretending to blow his own brains out.
Guess what I'm doing right now?
Think I am talking nonsense, take a look at the sky. There are normal planes that pass by and their vapour trail goes away almost immediately, but then there are the chemtrails sprayed in straight criss cross lines widening and merging into a haze. I have a panoramic view where I live, overlooking Clun and I have been watching them doing this each morning over our hills!
I don't know about you, but there's one word in that paragraph that, to me, jumps out an absolute mile. Can you guess what it is? Have another look, I'll reveal all at the end.
So what is in the spray? Well I am no chemist or biologist
No shit.
but spraying systematic barium and aluminium into the air cannot be doing any of us any good. It is no wonder respiratory diseases, cancers and Alzheimers are on the increase?
I absolutely love the first part of this sentence. Paraphrased: "I don't know what's in the spray, but there's barium and aluminium in the spray."
I personally think this is outrageous. I have not been consulted about this, have you?
Well, yes, I have. You haven't? That's a shame. But it's true, I'm afraid. The good people at WACKJOB (West Midlands Agricultural Corporation Keeping Jobs Over Britain) gave me a call to discuss it. It's all rather exciting! Not too sure why they missed you out.
Something needs to be said and done about this, at least contact your local MP and protest. Our health is at stake and our world, as who knows about the long term effects of this madness.
Jackie Barnes
Clun
What a fitting word to finish on.
Back to that paragraph earlier. Did you spot the give-away word? If you didn't, no worries. If you did, well done! For it was:
"chemtrails".
Because that word just seemed really odd, slotted into the middle of a letter like that. It was almost a tell-tale sign that this lunatic has been reading stuff from other people which she's swallowed whole, and is now regurgitating this crap whilst her head spins round in a Linda Blair-esque fashion. I was intrigued by this word, so I Googled it, and naturally my fears were sadly founded. It's all a rather sad, bogus conspiracy:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chemtrail_conspiracy_theory
Apologies for the wikipedia link, but then again I AM a student. Which reminds me, I have better things to be doing right now.
Like taking a nap. Ciao for now.
Hallo again all. I've been quiet recently, as you might have noticed. The truth is, a blasted thing called a thessertation is taking up all of my time at the moment. Initially I thought it would be fun to write, as you can choose the topic and warp it into something vaguely interesting. But now that I'm halfway through, I hate it. Please Lord, let me finish it soon. I never want to read a baseball book again, to be perfectly honest.
Nevertheless, I'm not here to moan, but instead to entertain. So, without further ado, let's have a look at some more letters into my local paper, The Sloppy Star. Trust me, some of these are beautiful.
What is happiness?
That's a good question, isn't it? What IS happiness? I don't want to get philosophical, or deep, so I won't. But it is something to ponder on. Let's see what our friend has to say in the rest of his letter. Could he be about to say something interesting, or bonkers?
Clue: I've included it in this blog post.
It could be a round of toast with what you want on it or a toasted sandwich.
Well...I suppose it could be. But it's interesting you say this, because...
I like toast.
I like a toasted sandwich.
But which is better? THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT!!
It might be a slice of homemade bread and butter - delicious for a lot, but not all can celebrate, due to an intolerance to gluten, but could eat a baked potato.
*head explodes*
But to bake a potato properly takes a long time in an energy-using electric or gas oven. What we want is a small compact electric machine to bake a potato, just one to satisfy our desire.
"Romeo and Juliet", copyright Ewar Woowar, 2011:
Romeo: "Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, and let mine desires be sated on the morn!"
Juliet: "My ears have not yet drunk a hundred words of that tongue's uttering, yet I know the sound: O Romeo! I would lay thee down on a bed o' thorns for your love. Embrace mine bosom and satisfy to one's heart content!"
Romeo: "Put your knickers back on and fuck off. I wanted a baked potato, you silly tart."
The bread toaster is well established, also the bread maker and the sandwich toaster.
By the way, I didn't miss the logic in his previous sentence, which was essentially: "Electric oven uses energy, booo! Let's create an electric machine which will...well....use energy."
One day we will have this economic machine for doing one potato as we like it, but when?
The question on everyone's lips.
Malcolm McIntyre-Ure
Llanbrynmair
Welsh. The nutty ones are ALWAYS Welsh.
===========================================================
The Prime Minister has stated that Britain could not stand by and do nothing whilst innocent people are being slaughtered in Libya.
Reasonable.
Really?
Yes.
Britain has been doing that for years with Zimbabwe.
A few years ago, when I was about 18, I'll happily admit I shared this view. But now I'm a bit older, and wiser, I've had to accept the logistics of it all. Mugabe is an evil bastard, but he's also smart. He's pretty friendly with the countries around him, and Zimbabwe is land-locked. Therefore it's pretty much impossible to get troops into there without kicking off an almighty dust up. And with troops already in Iraq and Afghanistan, as well as Libya and Syria teetering on the edge, we can't really afford a big ruckus down Africa way right now. It's sad for the Zimbabwean people - and I went to school with one who had fled - but shit happens, I'm afraid.
But then Zimbabwe has not got oil has it?
Can you excuse me for a second?
*Puts down can of Coke, opens wardrobe and rummages inside. Finds trusty cricket bat. Runs to letter writers address, rings doorbell and patiently waits. Smacks letter writer over the head repeatedly. Runs back home and wipes sweaty brow with cold can*
Apologies for that. Just that blaming everything on "all about oil innit guv?" is the thing I hate the most, this side of "illegal war".
JH Wood
Telford
AKA Jim Wood. We have previous, I'm pretty certain.
I am now very cross indeed. Who's next? I can cope with pretty much anyone except our old friend Val Dunc...
============================================================
Oh, Vince Cable thinks he is prime minister now, does he?
Hello Val.
*Keeps cricket bat nearby*
He's doddering about threatening the government with his nuclear weapons, while Clegg labours under the dream he runs the country.
That sentence is a lot funnier and more interesting when you imagine Cable literally threatening Cameron, Osborne et al with a nuclear warhead.
Cameron thinks educating any kids but our own is "spot on", although I agree with him on too much immigration.
Naturally. Send the buggers back, I say.
Did the big, white elephant in the room finally stamp on him?
Val, we've known each other for a few years now. And I know more than anybody that this letter isn't hitting the spot, y'know? It ain't....you. It isn't you, Val! Come on. Go back to what you're good at.
Meanwhile, the EU
Well done.
stamps all over us and bleeds us to death. The human rights commission tells us what we can and can't do.
Fuck human rights. I'm serious.
Fuck you and your "human rights". It's time they're banned, actually. Let me create a Facebook group for this.
And the directives continue to be rubber-stamped as they pour in. Who, exactly, is in charge here?
Val Duncan
Wellington
Not you, thankfully.
============================================================
Everyone is coming round to the view that there is no military solution to Afghanistan. The Afghan War is a disaster.
Allan Tucker
Oswestry
Thanks Allan! As wrong-headed as ever.
===========================================================
Cut Trident, not jobs, education and health, and no to nuclear power. It's expensive and not worth the risk.
Allan Tucker
Oswestry
Thanks Allan! You've gone 0-2 these past few letters. Have a day off.
===========================================================
The final letter in this clusterfuck was alerted to me by reader and teacher extraordinare Don. Thankyou, sir.
When I do these blog posts I try to pick letters which are silly, and wrong, but coherent enough to have something to discuss and poke fun at. This letter, however....well, you'll see.
So it is a lovely sunny day, the sky is blue...or is it?
An intriguing start, I'm sure you'll agree. In other news, I just had to let it auto-correct "intriguing". The one word I ALWAYS misspell.
Wait a moment the sky is not really blue, it is a hazy white. Why?
I'm excited. Let's go for it.
Did you know that we are systematically and daily being sprayed by government planes with toxic waste that is supposed to stop the global warming problem?
Reading this, I am reminded of a man I like very, very much called Mike Carlson. One or two people reading this will know who he is, I'd wager most people won't however. Basically, Mike Carlson is ace, he's cool, and I wish he was my dad.
I am reminded of Mike Carlson because when he was on Channel 5 a few years back co-presenting their baseball coverage, he used to signify something dumb happening (a bad error on the field, a dumb trade off of it, him getting the trivia question wrong etc) by making his fingers into a gun and pretending to blow his own brains out.
Guess what I'm doing right now?
Think I am talking nonsense, take a look at the sky. There are normal planes that pass by and their vapour trail goes away almost immediately, but then there are the chemtrails sprayed in straight criss cross lines widening and merging into a haze. I have a panoramic view where I live, overlooking Clun and I have been watching them doing this each morning over our hills!
I don't know about you, but there's one word in that paragraph that, to me, jumps out an absolute mile. Can you guess what it is? Have another look, I'll reveal all at the end.
So what is in the spray? Well I am no chemist or biologist
No shit.
but spraying systematic barium and aluminium into the air cannot be doing any of us any good. It is no wonder respiratory diseases, cancers and Alzheimers are on the increase?
I absolutely love the first part of this sentence. Paraphrased: "I don't know what's in the spray, but there's barium and aluminium in the spray."
I personally think this is outrageous. I have not been consulted about this, have you?
Well, yes, I have. You haven't? That's a shame. But it's true, I'm afraid. The good people at WACKJOB (West Midlands Agricultural Corporation Keeping Jobs Over Britain) gave me a call to discuss it. It's all rather exciting! Not too sure why they missed you out.
Something needs to be said and done about this, at least contact your local MP and protest. Our health is at stake and our world, as who knows about the long term effects of this madness.
Jackie Barnes
Clun
What a fitting word to finish on.
Back to that paragraph earlier. Did you spot the give-away word? If you didn't, no worries. If you did, well done! For it was:
"chemtrails".
Because that word just seemed really odd, slotted into the middle of a letter like that. It was almost a tell-tale sign that this lunatic has been reading stuff from other people which she's swallowed whole, and is now regurgitating this crap whilst her head spins round in a Linda Blair-esque fashion. I was intrigued by this word, so I Googled it, and naturally my fears were sadly founded. It's all a rather sad, bogus conspiracy:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chemtrail_conspiracy_theory
Apologies for the wikipedia link, but then again I AM a student. Which reminds me, I have better things to be doing right now.
Like taking a nap. Ciao for now.
Wednesday, 13 April 2011
Wolverhampton, We Have A Problem
The other day I stood on the platform of my local train station, took a deep breath and boarded my train. I wasn't heading anywhere new, and the journey was one I'd undertaken many, many times before. You see, I was off to my university - aka The Hegemon - to use the (surprisingly good) library resources and crack on with some work.When I say "work", I mean "blog". When I say "blog", I mean "catch up on last week's episode of 'OMG! With Peaches Geldof'".
But this time I was slightly excited. Because I'd been thinking about my university, and about universities in general. They're great, aren't they? Inside just one university building you'll find so many great minds and learned people. And I'm not just talking about the lecturers either - this is Higher Education. This is young, intelligent people striving to fulfil themselves academically, as well as the "more mature" folk like me who try desperately to cling onto their youth. But whatever the age, every uni student is there for one reason - to showcase their knowledge. To voice their opinions. To inform, and to contribute. To prove to the moaning OAPs that the kids ARE alright. Universities are fine places, I reflected as I got off the train, and The Hegemon is certainly one of them.
I began to make the walk from the station down to The Hegemon, and as I did so my mind began to wander, until eventually I found myself thinking about a piece of uni work I've been writing for a while. That in turn led me to thinking about Simon and Garfunkel - I'd referenced one of their lyrics and I couldn't work out whether it was genius or patronising - which in turn led me to wonder what my favourite lyric of theirs was. I pondered it for a while, before I settled on this one, from my favourite song of theirs:
"And the sign said, 'The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls...and tenement halls'"
That's good that, innit? If you want the words of true prophets, don't turn to any holy book, or any scripture. Walk down to your local underground station, or the nearby underpass, or look at the dark corridor in your block of flats. That's where you'll find wisdom.
By this time I was in the uni library, and after booting up my computer I thought I'd just pop to the toilet. Taking my phone with me, I walked to the toilet with all the stuff I had been thinking about still very much in mind.
And then I didn't know what to think.
So I sat there, with racism and xenophobia on one wall, and Nazi insignia on the other. I sat there, stuck in the middle, like Gerry Rafferty. And then some more lyrics popped into my head, and as I silently walked back into the library, passing blacks, Asians, whites, Indians, Muslims and others, I realised they weren't going away any time soon. They still haven't.
"Father, father
We don't need to escalate
You see, war is not the answer
For only love can conquer hate
You know we've got to find a way
To bring some loving here today"
But this time I was slightly excited. Because I'd been thinking about my university, and about universities in general. They're great, aren't they? Inside just one university building you'll find so many great minds and learned people. And I'm not just talking about the lecturers either - this is Higher Education. This is young, intelligent people striving to fulfil themselves academically, as well as the "more mature" folk like me who try desperately to cling onto their youth. But whatever the age, every uni student is there for one reason - to showcase their knowledge. To voice their opinions. To inform, and to contribute. To prove to the moaning OAPs that the kids ARE alright. Universities are fine places, I reflected as I got off the train, and The Hegemon is certainly one of them.
I began to make the walk from the station down to The Hegemon, and as I did so my mind began to wander, until eventually I found myself thinking about a piece of uni work I've been writing for a while. That in turn led me to thinking about Simon and Garfunkel - I'd referenced one of their lyrics and I couldn't work out whether it was genius or patronising - which in turn led me to wonder what my favourite lyric of theirs was. I pondered it for a while, before I settled on this one, from my favourite song of theirs:
"And the sign said, 'The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls...and tenement halls'"
That's good that, innit? If you want the words of true prophets, don't turn to any holy book, or any scripture. Walk down to your local underground station, or the nearby underpass, or look at the dark corridor in your block of flats. That's where you'll find wisdom.
By this time I was in the uni library, and after booting up my computer I thought I'd just pop to the toilet. Taking my phone with me, I walked to the toilet with all the stuff I had been thinking about still very much in mind.
And then I didn't know what to think.
So I sat there, with racism and xenophobia on one wall, and Nazi insignia on the other. I sat there, stuck in the middle, like Gerry Rafferty. And then some more lyrics popped into my head, and as I silently walked back into the library, passing blacks, Asians, whites, Indians, Muslims and others, I realised they weren't going away any time soon. They still haven't.
"Father, father
We don't need to escalate
You see, war is not the answer
For only love can conquer hate
You know we've got to find a way
To bring some loving here today"
Tuesday, 5 April 2011
Jennifer Rush - The Power of Twitter
Wow, what a day. And what a medium Twitter is. To explain, here's the full story.
On weekday mornings I normally take hold of the previous days Sloppy Star and read it whilst having breakfast. Today was no different, and as I sat down at the kitchen table with my crumpets with Bovril on (try it, it's good) I flicked through the paper as usual, browsing the letters page with interest before working my way through to the cryptic crossword which is a nice warm-up for my brain. It is Monday, and on Mondays there's a special football segment in the middle of the paper. It concentrates on all the local teams - AFC Telford, Shrewsbury Town, Wolves - and then the Midlands teams further afield, Villa, Birmingham, WBA etc. After all the match reports and tables there's an opinion page, and strike me down if it isn't penned by Ron "Big Ron" Atkinson.
Or is it? You see, most of these things are ghost-written, with the paper's journalist phoning the chosen "famous person" up and constructing a piece around what that person says on the phone. I do not know whether Atkinson writes these things himself or not - I doubt it - but in the interest of simplicity, let us assume he does.
So I'm sitting eating my crumpets and drinking my tea as I cast my eye over Atkinson's main piece. It's about Wayne Rooney, and "Sweargate" which I'm sure you know all about by now. The line taken by Atkinson's piece is an interesting one - that Rooney does these things because he's angry and frustrated, mainly because his relationship with the Manchester United supporters has broken down after the contract negotiations a few months ago. This is a fair angle - there are a number of United supporters who have lost faith/love in Rooney. I read United forums and messageboards, and I follow enough United fans on Twitter to know there's a myriad (great word) of opinions about our Scouse Number 10. So there I was enjoying the column when I read the fifth paragraph. And I read it over and over and over, until every word had sunk in. I quote verbatim:
"I noticed that when United were trailing West Ham 2-0 in the first half and Rooney went over to take a throw-in nearby them, a chant of 'You're not fit to wear the shirt' broke out.
After reading it for the fifth time, I frowned. You see, I watched the game on television, and hadn't heard that chant. I had not read ANYWHERE anyone saying that chant was aired, nor ANYONE talking about it anywhere in the media. All those forums and messageboards I mentioned? I had a quick browse on them - nothing. On Twitter? Nope. Not a sausage.
And then I read another article by Big Ron which further complicated the mystery. I'll quote verbatim again:
"Yet again we find ourselves marvelling at Super Kev (Phillips). I was at Birmingham on Saturday..."
Birmingham vs Bolton, which kicked off at 15:00. The West Ham United vs Manchester United game kicked off at 12:45, so from this we can conclude that Atkinson wasn't at the game in London, and instead (presumably) watched the game from a TV set. Okay, that's fine, but how then did he hear a chant that I didn't? I'm always keeping an ear out for what the United crowd are singing when I'm watching.
So this is when I went to Twitter. I got in touch with two guys who work for manutd.com who are on there, and asked them if they knew anyone who was actually at the game, supporting United in the away end. They didn't, but both were kind enough to publicise my question to all of their followers. Soon I was absolutely drowned in responses (and follows, amusingly) and in the frenzy I shook my head wryly and realised that if anyone ever tries telling you that Twitter isn't useful, they're talking out of their arse.
I got swamped with replies, too many to mention - although I'll tally them up later - but the gist of all of them was exactly the same: "That never happened. Anyone who says that either misheard or is lying." But Big Ron seemed pretty definite. Let's have it again:
"I noticed that...a chant of 'You're not fit to wear the shirt' broke out."
There's no room for leeway there - no "I think I heard" or "I thought I noticed" - none of that. It's a definitive statement. Shame it's not true. I'm used to people writing/talking about United. As us Reds say "United - loved, hated, but never ignored" and over time I've had to accept that people who hate the club will write or say stuff which I won't agree with. But to just blatantly lie is really poor form, in my opinion. It may not be a big thing, granted, but it portrays United fans in a bad light. Some of them may not like Rooney, agreed, and some have criticised certain players for not being good enough, but an orchestrated chant of "You're not fit to wear the shirt"? No. Never.
Which is why once I've published this blog post, and gone to get some dinner, I'm e-mailing The Slop. They really are living up to their nickname if they can't even be bothered to check facts.
On weekday mornings I normally take hold of the previous days Sloppy Star and read it whilst having breakfast. Today was no different, and as I sat down at the kitchen table with my crumpets with Bovril on (try it, it's good) I flicked through the paper as usual, browsing the letters page with interest before working my way through to the cryptic crossword which is a nice warm-up for my brain. It is Monday, and on Mondays there's a special football segment in the middle of the paper. It concentrates on all the local teams - AFC Telford, Shrewsbury Town, Wolves - and then the Midlands teams further afield, Villa, Birmingham, WBA etc. After all the match reports and tables there's an opinion page, and strike me down if it isn't penned by Ron "Big Ron" Atkinson.
Or is it? You see, most of these things are ghost-written, with the paper's journalist phoning the chosen "famous person" up and constructing a piece around what that person says on the phone. I do not know whether Atkinson writes these things himself or not - I doubt it - but in the interest of simplicity, let us assume he does.
So I'm sitting eating my crumpets and drinking my tea as I cast my eye over Atkinson's main piece. It's about Wayne Rooney, and "Sweargate" which I'm sure you know all about by now. The line taken by Atkinson's piece is an interesting one - that Rooney does these things because he's angry and frustrated, mainly because his relationship with the Manchester United supporters has broken down after the contract negotiations a few months ago. This is a fair angle - there are a number of United supporters who have lost faith/love in Rooney. I read United forums and messageboards, and I follow enough United fans on Twitter to know there's a myriad (great word) of opinions about our Scouse Number 10. So there I was enjoying the column when I read the fifth paragraph. And I read it over and over and over, until every word had sunk in. I quote verbatim:
"I noticed that when United were trailing West Ham 2-0 in the first half and Rooney went over to take a throw-in nearby them, a chant of 'You're not fit to wear the shirt' broke out.
After reading it for the fifth time, I frowned. You see, I watched the game on television, and hadn't heard that chant. I had not read ANYWHERE anyone saying that chant was aired, nor ANYONE talking about it anywhere in the media. All those forums and messageboards I mentioned? I had a quick browse on them - nothing. On Twitter? Nope. Not a sausage.
And then I read another article by Big Ron which further complicated the mystery. I'll quote verbatim again:
"Yet again we find ourselves marvelling at Super Kev (Phillips). I was at Birmingham on Saturday..."
Birmingham vs Bolton, which kicked off at 15:00. The West Ham United vs Manchester United game kicked off at 12:45, so from this we can conclude that Atkinson wasn't at the game in London, and instead (presumably) watched the game from a TV set. Okay, that's fine, but how then did he hear a chant that I didn't? I'm always keeping an ear out for what the United crowd are singing when I'm watching.
So this is when I went to Twitter. I got in touch with two guys who work for manutd.com who are on there, and asked them if they knew anyone who was actually at the game, supporting United in the away end. They didn't, but both were kind enough to publicise my question to all of their followers. Soon I was absolutely drowned in responses (and follows, amusingly) and in the frenzy I shook my head wryly and realised that if anyone ever tries telling you that Twitter isn't useful, they're talking out of their arse.
I got swamped with replies, too many to mention - although I'll tally them up later - but the gist of all of them was exactly the same: "That never happened. Anyone who says that either misheard or is lying." But Big Ron seemed pretty definite. Let's have it again:
"I noticed that...a chant of 'You're not fit to wear the shirt' broke out."
There's no room for leeway there - no "I think I heard" or "I thought I noticed" - none of that. It's a definitive statement. Shame it's not true. I'm used to people writing/talking about United. As us Reds say "United - loved, hated, but never ignored" and over time I've had to accept that people who hate the club will write or say stuff which I won't agree with. But to just blatantly lie is really poor form, in my opinion. It may not be a big thing, granted, but it portrays United fans in a bad light. Some of them may not like Rooney, agreed, and some have criticised certain players for not being good enough, but an orchestrated chant of "You're not fit to wear the shirt"? No. Never.
Which is why once I've published this blog post, and gone to get some dinner, I'm e-mailing The Slop. They really are living up to their nickname if they can't even be bothered to check facts.
Thursday, 24 March 2011
Several Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest
It's been a while, so let's slip back into the familiar routine of looking at some letters into The Sloppy Star, pointing at them and then ridiculing them. There's a few to get through this time around, so let's dive straight in:
Sean Bayley calls me homophobic and other vitriolic names for defending the guesthouse couple who refused to give two homosexuals a double bed.
You remember this case, I hope? It's a very tricky one - a Christian couple who own a guesthouse refused to let two gay men stay overnight, based on their religious beliefs. They claimed that if they initially knew they were gay, they would have said they weren't welcome before they pitched up there. As it was, they turned up, got told to clear off, it went to court and it all got very messy.
I find this one very tough to call. On one hand, shops don't have to serve people, and if a biker goes to a pub he can be asked to leave and he can't do a damn thing about it. This couple own a guesthouse, which is also their home, so if they don't want someone in there they're entitled to say "no". HOWEVER in this case, their view is so appalling, so antiquated and so misguided that I find myself opposing them vehemently. And there was me thinking that God loved everyone.
What do you guys think? I'm genuinely undecided. What I am certain of however is that on this topic, sensible, grown up debating is required. No prejudice and no nonsense. So, with that in mind, let's read the rest of the letter!
Well I don't hate gays, but like most people I find the practice abhorrent.
Ah good. This will be an important contribution to the debate.
I feel sorry for the one per cent who are born that way, but for the rest it is a lifestyle choice, accepted, even encouraged in the media and sick magazines.
I interviewed Graham Norton the other day - nice man. When I asked him about his homosexuality, he told me he realised he was gay after reading about it in a "sick magazine". Interesting.
We will regret allowing it being taught to our children. Anything which is unnatural is contrary to God's law and the whole nation will pay the price for allowing it.
Ron Jones
Oswestry
I wonder if Irish Catholic priests abusing and raping children is contrary to God's law?
Let's move on before I get too irate. Needless to say though, Ron Jones goes on the list.
=========================================================
Sixty years ago during National Service with the RAF we airmen were given something to eat similar to mashed potato but tasting just like candle grease.
Right.
I was bitterly disappointed and threw it in the bin.
I see.
Most RAF stations supplied food like my dear late mother made or the fare at the five star Grosvenor Hotel in Chester or the Buck Hotel in Bangor-on-Dee.
Right.
The corporal cook threatened to put me on a charge so I told him "please yourself". However, support came from an ex-Royal Navy man and police corporal.
I see.
The next day, the messing sergeant - a real gentleman - apologised to me "We're having real mashed potato from now on Taff," he said.
Right.
Let's drink to potatoes and vegetables.
Mr Emyr Davies, Wrexham
I just don't really know what to say here. On one hand, this man is clearly elderly, so to mock his irrelevant and uninteresting story would be poor form. On the other hand though, he's Welsh, so fuck it.
=========================================================
So, Desperate Dave,
Nobody has ever called David Cameron that, ever.
badly rattled over the incompetent coalition's mishandling of the Libyan crisis,
Incompetence and mishandling that has passed everyone else in the world by, clearly.
has come out fighting and suddenly appears to relish a war of his own. He threatens to unleash fire and brimstone, a flash man vowing to send the bits of the armed forces he hasn't sacked or sent to the breakers yard. Cameron talks of a no-fly zone while at the same time firing pilots and decommissioning the aircraft carrier HMS Ark Royal. He thinks that Libya could be his Falklands.
This is a real mixed bag, this paragraph. There's some good, there's some bad and then there's some utter bollocks. I particularly enjoy the bit about David Cameron apparently believing that Libya "could be his Falklands". It is true that there have been severe cutbacks in our defence budget, which disappoints me a lot, but then I'm a boy so I'm excited by things that go whizz-bang and have the capacity to unleash sulphur.
The British response to the wave of unrest sweeping North Africa and the Middle East needs a cool head, not a hot-head in power.
Which currently it has. How lovely that the Government (of which I'm not a fan) has been largely praised for the handling of this difficult situation so far (emphasis on the words "so far", your Honour) whilst letters like this are being flinged around by idiots.
John and Jackie Pond
Shrewsbury
I was curious to know what goes on at the Pond residence, so I sneaked round there the other night, crouched under their front window and listened in on their conversation. Fascinating. I taped it as well, it went like this:
John: "Bad news love."
Jackie: "Go on, what?"
John: "Gaddafi is fighting back in Libya, and has just gone on state radio to inform the nation that he's coming round to murder as many people as he can. Women, children, grandparents, doesn't matter."
Jackie: "Oh my god! What can we do?!"
John: "Well, the right thing to do would be to get a coalition of many countries together, get UN backing, and then implement a no-fly zone over the country. To do that they first have to take out his military centres and tanks that are on their way to Benghazi. That would stop his army in their tracks!"
Jackie: "But that would involve missiles! People will get hurt! That's completely unacceptable!"
John: "My God! You're right! Thank goodness we belong to an unbelievably spineless organisation such as 'Stop The War'!"
Jackie: "Exactly. Best thing is just to ignore it. All these wars solely for oil, it's disgusting. Cucumber sandwich?"
John: "Thankyou. I love the sandals."
=========================================================
Once again Barmy Blair
Bliar. You won't believe this, but I met Tony and Cherie again the other day, at the local cinema. I asked Tony what film they were going to watch, and he told me "The Adjustment Bureau" before walking off to buy some popcorn. At that moment Cherie leaned in and whispered into my ear that actually they were there to see "The King's Speech"!!!
That man just CANNOT help himself!
and Clown Brown have shown their extraordinary powers of judgement.
I see what you did there.
They both regaled the reformed Colonel Gaddafi and embraced him into the fold (they are both of course barristers).
I have literally no fucking idea what that last bit is all about. Nevertheless, both men were correct in meeting the man and trying to Westernise him at the time, I believe. It's a shame things haven't exactly worked out, but I can't blame them for trying.
Well Gaddafi has shown he is still the mad dog he always was. No doubt this has enhanced both their global standings. Oh is the price of gold still rising?
D L Barnett
Arleston
I remember blogging about you before. Nice to see you're still wrong.
Anyone else? I'm tired, so let's just have one more.
=========================================================
If I look forward five or six years, I can actually foresee the possibility of UKIP winning a general election.
*Spits out tea all over keyboard in shock.*
*Cleans keyboard, takes another sip and then spits it out again, just for a laugh.*
I think the Lib Dems will disintegrate before much longer, forcing an increasingly unpopular Tory Government to limp into an early general election, which Labour will win, before very quickly finding themselves even more unpopular with an impatient and deeply disaffected electorate. By then, the festering eurozone crisis will have created deep fractures within the EU and the burden of our own financial contribution to shoring it up will create the right conditions for seismic political change.
Bob Jenkins
Stirchley
I wish that in life we had a mute button, both for voices and letters.
There's so much shit in that paragraph I'd love to wade through, but I'm as bored as you are and I want to go and watch the cricket. So let me just say this to you, Robert:
"I, Ewarwoowar III, state at this moment in time (15:23 on the 24th March 2011) that if the United Kingdom Independence Party, otherwise known as UKIP, win a British General Election in the next six years, I will thus change my name, officially, to "Nigel Farage" as well as resigning from the UK's #1 rated entertainment blog, "The Rise and Rise of Tim Lovejoy". So let it be said, so let it be written."
Remind me of that in six years time, won't you?
Sean Bayley calls me homophobic and other vitriolic names for defending the guesthouse couple who refused to give two homosexuals a double bed.
You remember this case, I hope? It's a very tricky one - a Christian couple who own a guesthouse refused to let two gay men stay overnight, based on their religious beliefs. They claimed that if they initially knew they were gay, they would have said they weren't welcome before they pitched up there. As it was, they turned up, got told to clear off, it went to court and it all got very messy.
I find this one very tough to call. On one hand, shops don't have to serve people, and if a biker goes to a pub he can be asked to leave and he can't do a damn thing about it. This couple own a guesthouse, which is also their home, so if they don't want someone in there they're entitled to say "no". HOWEVER in this case, their view is so appalling, so antiquated and so misguided that I find myself opposing them vehemently. And there was me thinking that God loved everyone.
What do you guys think? I'm genuinely undecided. What I am certain of however is that on this topic, sensible, grown up debating is required. No prejudice and no nonsense. So, with that in mind, let's read the rest of the letter!
Well I don't hate gays, but like most people I find the practice abhorrent.
Ah good. This will be an important contribution to the debate.
I feel sorry for the one per cent who are born that way, but for the rest it is a lifestyle choice, accepted, even encouraged in the media and sick magazines.
I interviewed Graham Norton the other day - nice man. When I asked him about his homosexuality, he told me he realised he was gay after reading about it in a "sick magazine". Interesting.
We will regret allowing it being taught to our children. Anything which is unnatural is contrary to God's law and the whole nation will pay the price for allowing it.
Ron Jones
Oswestry
I wonder if Irish Catholic priests abusing and raping children is contrary to God's law?
Let's move on before I get too irate. Needless to say though, Ron Jones goes on the list.
=========================================================
Sixty years ago during National Service with the RAF we airmen were given something to eat similar to mashed potato but tasting just like candle grease.
Right.
I was bitterly disappointed and threw it in the bin.
I see.
Most RAF stations supplied food like my dear late mother made or the fare at the five star Grosvenor Hotel in Chester or the Buck Hotel in Bangor-on-Dee.
Right.
The corporal cook threatened to put me on a charge so I told him "please yourself". However, support came from an ex-Royal Navy man and police corporal.
I see.
The next day, the messing sergeant - a real gentleman - apologised to me "We're having real mashed potato from now on Taff," he said.
Right.
Let's drink to potatoes and vegetables.
Mr Emyr Davies, Wrexham
I just don't really know what to say here. On one hand, this man is clearly elderly, so to mock his irrelevant and uninteresting story would be poor form. On the other hand though, he's Welsh, so fuck it.
=========================================================
So, Desperate Dave,
Nobody has ever called David Cameron that, ever.
badly rattled over the incompetent coalition's mishandling of the Libyan crisis,
Incompetence and mishandling that has passed everyone else in the world by, clearly.
has come out fighting and suddenly appears to relish a war of his own. He threatens to unleash fire and brimstone, a flash man vowing to send the bits of the armed forces he hasn't sacked or sent to the breakers yard. Cameron talks of a no-fly zone while at the same time firing pilots and decommissioning the aircraft carrier HMS Ark Royal. He thinks that Libya could be his Falklands.
This is a real mixed bag, this paragraph. There's some good, there's some bad and then there's some utter bollocks. I particularly enjoy the bit about David Cameron apparently believing that Libya "could be his Falklands". It is true that there have been severe cutbacks in our defence budget, which disappoints me a lot, but then I'm a boy so I'm excited by things that go whizz-bang and have the capacity to unleash sulphur.
The British response to the wave of unrest sweeping North Africa and the Middle East needs a cool head, not a hot-head in power.
Which currently it has. How lovely that the Government (of which I'm not a fan) has been largely praised for the handling of this difficult situation so far (emphasis on the words "so far", your Honour) whilst letters like this are being flinged around by idiots.
John and Jackie Pond
Shrewsbury
I was curious to know what goes on at the Pond residence, so I sneaked round there the other night, crouched under their front window and listened in on their conversation. Fascinating. I taped it as well, it went like this:
John: "Bad news love."
Jackie: "Go on, what?"
John: "Gaddafi is fighting back in Libya, and has just gone on state radio to inform the nation that he's coming round to murder as many people as he can. Women, children, grandparents, doesn't matter."
Jackie: "Oh my god! What can we do?!"
John: "Well, the right thing to do would be to get a coalition of many countries together, get UN backing, and then implement a no-fly zone over the country. To do that they first have to take out his military centres and tanks that are on their way to Benghazi. That would stop his army in their tracks!"
Jackie: "But that would involve missiles! People will get hurt! That's completely unacceptable!"
John: "My God! You're right! Thank goodness we belong to an unbelievably spineless organisation such as 'Stop The War'!"
Jackie: "Exactly. Best thing is just to ignore it. All these wars solely for oil, it's disgusting. Cucumber sandwich?"
John: "Thankyou. I love the sandals."
=========================================================
Once again Barmy Blair
Bliar. You won't believe this, but I met Tony and Cherie again the other day, at the local cinema. I asked Tony what film they were going to watch, and he told me "The Adjustment Bureau" before walking off to buy some popcorn. At that moment Cherie leaned in and whispered into my ear that actually they were there to see "The King's Speech"!!!
That man just CANNOT help himself!
and Clown Brown have shown their extraordinary powers of judgement.
I see what you did there.
They both regaled the reformed Colonel Gaddafi and embraced him into the fold (they are both of course barristers).
I have literally no fucking idea what that last bit is all about. Nevertheless, both men were correct in meeting the man and trying to Westernise him at the time, I believe. It's a shame things haven't exactly worked out, but I can't blame them for trying.
Well Gaddafi has shown he is still the mad dog he always was. No doubt this has enhanced both their global standings. Oh is the price of gold still rising?
D L Barnett
Arleston
I remember blogging about you before. Nice to see you're still wrong.
Anyone else? I'm tired, so let's just have one more.
=========================================================
If I look forward five or six years, I can actually foresee the possibility of UKIP winning a general election.
*Spits out tea all over keyboard in shock.*
*Cleans keyboard, takes another sip and then spits it out again, just for a laugh.*
I think the Lib Dems will disintegrate before much longer, forcing an increasingly unpopular Tory Government to limp into an early general election, which Labour will win, before very quickly finding themselves even more unpopular with an impatient and deeply disaffected electorate. By then, the festering eurozone crisis will have created deep fractures within the EU and the burden of our own financial contribution to shoring it up will create the right conditions for seismic political change.
Bob Jenkins
Stirchley
I wish that in life we had a mute button, both for voices and letters.
There's so much shit in that paragraph I'd love to wade through, but I'm as bored as you are and I want to go and watch the cricket. So let me just say this to you, Robert:
"I, Ewarwoowar III, state at this moment in time (15:23 on the 24th March 2011) that if the United Kingdom Independence Party, otherwise known as UKIP, win a British General Election in the next six years, I will thus change my name, officially, to "Nigel Farage" as well as resigning from the UK's #1 rated entertainment blog, "The Rise and Rise of Tim Lovejoy". So let it be said, so let it be written."
Remind me of that in six years time, won't you?
Friday, 18 March 2011
Red Nose Day 2011 Live-Blog Spectacular...AND IT'S LIVE!
16:33 Welcome, wilkommen, and bienvenue, for what should be a scintillating, savage, saucy, sexy and spectacular Comic Relief night, live on Channel 1 of the British Broadcasting Corporation. And rest assured, if I'm live-blogging it, I'll be with you for every step of the way. Or will I?! More on that in a bit.
The first Red Nose Day was in February, 1988. Of course, nowadays so much has changed since then. At that time, Liverpool FC were a fading force, Colonel Gaddafi ruled Libya, and Lenny Henry was about as funny as a dead gran. Whereas nowadays....
Another thing that hasn't changed is the popularity of the day, so over twenty years later, here we all are now, once again. I know what you're thinking - the event doesn't start till 19:00, Ewar! I know that, my friends, but we have a bit to get through before the big kick-off. I'll let you know more in a few minutes. If you're not doing anything or not going out tonight, keep this page open, and join my guests and I for what should be an outstanding night!
Any comments are very much welcomed, as are tweets. Got a tweet you want publishing? Hook me up on the Twitter machine at @ewarwoowar86 if so. How very modern.
17:45 The important stuff:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/rednoseday/aboutrednoseday/
http://www.bbc.co.uk/rednoseday/dosomething/
https://donate.comicrelief.com/donation/
http://myworld.ebay.co.uk/therealcomicrelief/
18:46 So, here we are now. Dinner is done, and we are moments away from the big kick-off. EXCITING NEWS! Things will be a little different for this live-blog, compared to others I've done in the past. I've had a few helpers before, but this time we're to do it in shifts - ie. I'm doing an hour and a half, before Dan takes over. What is also very exciting is that for tonight I'm welcoming a special guest blogger, so please say a big hello to Football365 Forum legend and all-round good egg Thom, who will be joining us later on in the evening. I'm really looking forward to reading his thoughts. You'll pick up the rota as we go along, but just in case you really care enough to want to know what's happening - it's me to begin, then Dan, then Thom, then me.
It is now 18:58, so here we go...
19:00 Starting with Lenny Henry, fucking hell. I can't stand the man. Should he not be watching this on a crappy Premier Inn television somewhere?
19:02 Claudia Winkleman - MILF? Discuss.
Her sister though! Phwoar!
19:04 "All The King's Speech did for the awareness of speech impediments undone by Lenny Henry in less than 2 minutes. Pretty impressive." - Thom aka @PBC13. Told you he was good.
19:06 If I go remarkably quiet, probably means a "serious bit" is on. Impossible to be funny about these bits, and would be stupid to even try. So, yeah.
19:08 By the way, absolutely no love for Michael McIntyre on my Twitter feed right now. I don't think he's terrible, but he's awfully "safe", isn't he? The comic you can imagine your nan liking.
19:12 I've never seen "Outnumbered". One of my friends thinks it's "absolutely shit", another really loves it. Funny old world innit? Anyway, we have an "Outnumbered" special with Andy Murray, not a man known for his humour, although he's doing a decent job here.
19:14 "Are you British or English?" "Depends if I win or not." Boom. Smashed it out of the park right there, fantastic. Even made me LOL.
19:19 Ha, it's time for Doctor Who. Someone who'll be with you later LOVES this programme, whereas I don't. Mind you, this redhead is gorgeous. She's a very solid 8/10.
19:26 "I was blind, now I can see!" says an African woman, presumably whilst listening to "Movin On Up" by Primal Scream on her iPod.
(Sorry)
19:33 OMFG IT'S THE WANTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Not a clue, to be honest. At least two of them look gay though.
19:35 "Piddle, I missed the first Doctor Who thing. And now I have to hear The Wanted as punishment. Clungebutter." - @vivelesteve
19:43 It's Celebrity Masterchef! With the aforementioned Claudia, Ruby fucking Wax(!!!) and Miranda Hart, who seems to be on EVERYTHING at the moment. They are apparently cooking for the Prime Minister. It's very japes!
19:46 "Gregg from MasterChef looks like an angry egg." - @td_ward
19:51 Helen Skelton doesn't scrub up too badly you know...
20:00 "Here's a song from two members of McFly." Dougie? Ah, no, surprisingly not.
20:03 Scott Mills standing next to Dermot O'Leary there. One is openly gay, the other absolutely isn't. Honest. Absolutely not gay whatsoever. No idea what you mean by "rumours". Dermot O'Leary is 100% absolutely not gay.
Maybe.
20:05 "If Lorraine Kelly gets her knockers out, I'll donate 50p." - my good friend @MitchthePunk there. Not too sure what to say about that.
20:09 Nice bit of upskirt there from Davina McCall.
20:14 I like Miranda Hart, really I do. But when she's on with Louie Spence I hope to God I'm somewhere else. Now we're onto an 'Autumnwatch' skit with Harry Hill!
20:15 And is that Chris Packham?! Blimey. He reminds me of Michaela Strachan, who was certainly worth a WACADAY.
20:17 Sad seeing Shaun Ryder like this, I won't lie. Like Johnny Rotten doing butter adverts.
20:18 BERNIE CLIFTON!
20:25 Thandie Newton! We've had some honeys tonight, haven't we?
Anyway, that's it from me, for now. After a brief pause, providing I've got all the logistics correct, and all the processors have processed properly, will be my boy Daniel Edmonds aka @spotify_tapes.
Take it away Dan!
The first Red Nose Day was in February, 1988. Of course, nowadays so much has changed since then. At that time, Liverpool FC were a fading force, Colonel Gaddafi ruled Libya, and Lenny Henry was about as funny as a dead gran. Whereas nowadays....
Another thing that hasn't changed is the popularity of the day, so over twenty years later, here we all are now, once again. I know what you're thinking - the event doesn't start till 19:00, Ewar! I know that, my friends, but we have a bit to get through before the big kick-off. I'll let you know more in a few minutes. If you're not doing anything or not going out tonight, keep this page open, and join my guests and I for what should be an outstanding night!
Any comments are very much welcomed, as are tweets. Got a tweet you want publishing? Hook me up on the Twitter machine at @ewarwoowar86 if so. How very modern.
17:45 The important stuff:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/rednoseday/aboutrednoseday/
http://www.bbc.co.uk/rednoseday/dosomething/
https://donate.comicrelief.com/donation/
http://myworld.ebay.co.uk/therealcomicrelief/
18:46 So, here we are now. Dinner is done, and we are moments away from the big kick-off. EXCITING NEWS! Things will be a little different for this live-blog, compared to others I've done in the past. I've had a few helpers before, but this time we're to do it in shifts - ie. I'm doing an hour and a half, before Dan takes over. What is also very exciting is that for tonight I'm welcoming a special guest blogger, so please say a big hello to Football365 Forum legend and all-round good egg Thom, who will be joining us later on in the evening. I'm really looking forward to reading his thoughts. You'll pick up the rota as we go along, but just in case you really care enough to want to know what's happening - it's me to begin, then Dan, then Thom, then me.
It is now 18:58, so here we go...
19:00 Starting with Lenny Henry, fucking hell. I can't stand the man. Should he not be watching this on a crappy Premier Inn television somewhere?
19:02 Claudia Winkleman - MILF? Discuss.
Her sister though! Phwoar!
19:04 "All The King's Speech did for the awareness of speech impediments undone by Lenny Henry in less than 2 minutes. Pretty impressive." - Thom aka @PBC13. Told you he was good.
19:06 If I go remarkably quiet, probably means a "serious bit" is on. Impossible to be funny about these bits, and would be stupid to even try. So, yeah.
19:08 By the way, absolutely no love for Michael McIntyre on my Twitter feed right now. I don't think he's terrible, but he's awfully "safe", isn't he? The comic you can imagine your nan liking.
19:12 I've never seen "Outnumbered". One of my friends thinks it's "absolutely shit", another really loves it. Funny old world innit? Anyway, we have an "Outnumbered" special with Andy Murray, not a man known for his humour, although he's doing a decent job here.
19:14 "Are you British or English?" "Depends if I win or not." Boom. Smashed it out of the park right there, fantastic. Even made me LOL.
19:19 Ha, it's time for Doctor Who. Someone who'll be with you later LOVES this programme, whereas I don't. Mind you, this redhead is gorgeous. She's a very solid 8/10.
19:26 "I was blind, now I can see!" says an African woman, presumably whilst listening to "Movin On Up" by Primal Scream on her iPod.
(Sorry)
19:33 OMFG IT'S THE WANTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Not a clue, to be honest. At least two of them look gay though.
19:35 "Piddle, I missed the first Doctor Who thing. And now I have to hear The Wanted as punishment. Clungebutter." - @vivelesteve
19:43 It's Celebrity Masterchef! With the aforementioned Claudia, Ruby fucking Wax(!!!) and Miranda Hart, who seems to be on EVERYTHING at the moment. They are apparently cooking for the Prime Minister. It's very japes!
19:46 "Gregg from MasterChef looks like an angry egg." - @td_ward
19:51 Helen Skelton doesn't scrub up too badly you know...
20:00 "Here's a song from two members of McFly." Dougie? Ah, no, surprisingly not.
20:03 Scott Mills standing next to Dermot O'Leary there. One is openly gay, the other absolutely isn't. Honest. Absolutely not gay whatsoever. No idea what you mean by "rumours". Dermot O'Leary is 100% absolutely not gay.
Maybe.
20:05 "If Lorraine Kelly gets her knockers out, I'll donate 50p." - my good friend @MitchthePunk there. Not too sure what to say about that.
20:09 Nice bit of upskirt there from Davina McCall.
20:14 I like Miranda Hart, really I do. But when she's on with Louie Spence I hope to God I'm somewhere else. Now we're onto an 'Autumnwatch' skit with Harry Hill!
20:15 And is that Chris Packham?! Blimey. He reminds me of Michaela Strachan, who was certainly worth a WACADAY.
20:17 Sad seeing Shaun Ryder like this, I won't lie. Like Johnny Rotten doing butter adverts.
20:18 BERNIE CLIFTON!
20:25 Thandie Newton! We've had some honeys tonight, haven't we?
Anyway, that's it from me, for now. After a brief pause, providing I've got all the logistics correct, and all the processors have processed properly, will be my boy Daniel Edmonds aka @spotify_tapes.
Take it away Dan!
======================================================
20:33 Hello. How are you? It's been a while. You're married now! Wow. Great. David Cameron will be happy to hear that as long as he survives this Miranda Hart meal. Anyway, look forward to an hour and half of my nonsense. After 9 there should be some swearing so something might actually be humorous.
20:44 Hard hitting Eastenders episode thing beset by technical errors. That's live television. While we're waiting let's have a babe top 3 so far: 3) Helen Skelton who walked along a wire 2) Roni Acona who walked across a desert but number 1) is Steve Jones who'd grown a spectacularly rugged beard.
20:55 Everything's gone a bit deep and serious. Without wishing to get too analytical the serious bits have been really good tonight. And whatever you think of Lenny Henry, funny or unfunny, he does a good job with this sort of stuff. Fair play to him.
21:05 If this is a film about the effects of drugs, including alcohol, I think the kids are getting pissed on more than a bitesize can of Skol. This is a bit too depressing if I'm honest. Makes Michael McIntyre passable. Bring back the funnies.
21:08 That Eastenders thing was really, really, really ineffective. Christ, I feel like smoking some stuff myself now after that.
21:14 Here's Dermot O'Leary! A man who is definitely not gay. As we clarified earlier. Definitely not. Oh and here come Take That with their experimental new song.
21:33 Ant & Dec are appearing on as many TV shows as possible here. 900,000 people watch the Alan Titchmarsh Show and 1.2 million people watch Loose Women. That's an estimate of just over 2,000,000 stupid wankers.
21:44 As if further proof were needed Peter Kay has lost whatever it was he had. And Susan Boyle as well. Why? Just why? There has been absolutely no funny content within this segment. I feel like bawling my eyes out. Either that or stabbing them with a fork.
21:54 While Adele is crooning away, I'll sign off. It's not been a particularly funny night, but it's been a fairly emotive one. The videos have been superb which more than makes up for the lack of comedy. That's what we're all here for, right? Thom is up next, you can catch him on twitter over at @PBC13. He's a goodun. Switch over to BBC2 now!
======================================================
22:00 Hello everyone! Look! My first half hour is on BBC2, that makes me alternative. Hurrah. Sadly though I am going to have to stomach Robbie Williams for a little while apparently. Cruel.
22:05 I think that Take That sketch might have been funny. I find hard to focus on anything other than blind rage when Williams is around. Sorry about that.
In other news I'd like to add; Lenny, Lenny, Len!
22:10 Lenny, Lenny, Len just walked on hot coals and swore. Shit just got real! Oh look! Here is Miranda and one of the countries many Louie Spence's.
22:16 And here he is! Spence! Ewar loves him, he does. Loves him to pieces.
I hope the fella out of JLS does a backflip, love all that.
22: 19 My favourite JLS is the one who looks like he has a thyroid complaint. Like a black Marty Feldman he is.
22:21 Steve Jones Fact: I once had a piss next to him at London Zoo. Also as pointed out earlier, he does have a lovely rugged beard.
22:28 Chefs singing Rick Astley is happening on the television. One of said chefs is Rusty Lee. What can you say about that really?
22: 35 This seems like some kind of elaborate punishment. Perhaps these chefs have done something wrong to deserve it.
It's Rick Astley. No one expected that. NO ONE! NO ONE I TELL YOU!
22:42 I like James Corden. I know that might be controversial to some, but it's true. Please stay with me though. By the way we are on BBC1 now. I've hit the big time! And here's George Michael. I consider myself a George Michaelist(I like him is what that means)
"You're a joke George, Comic Relief is about helping people like you!"
I like this. It's funny.
22:49 This is excellent! I love it. Bonus Keira Knightley as well. I am all for that. I'd like to touch her.
22:59 I think I have got the best of the night so far! Some funny stuff in the last hour. And the serious films seem to have had a lot of impact this year, even more so than usual.
23:09 This Downton Abbey sketch has got gradually more funny. Also Tim Vine is in it, I once played in a Christian 5-A-Side tournament against him. Very surreal! I'm not even religious!
23:15 Lenny and Fearne have been replaced by Jonathan Ross and "Claudia Winkey-Man" as I think Lenny, Lenny, Len called her. I think I am being replaced soon too. This blog is soon to be back in the arms of it's loving parent and Louie Spence mega-fan, Mr Ewar Woowar.
23:21 Annie Lennox has just tweeted to say she will be performing live at around midnight. If I didn't know that I would have guessed that. That woman loves charity almost as much as she loves androgyny and synth-pop.
I am quite enjoying the blokes from The Inbetweeners looking for rude place names. I once drove past a place on the way to Manchester called Pimbo. Not rude, but quite funny all the same!
23:22 OH MY GOD LORD, IT'S THE DOCTOR!
23:25 I am not going to be able to add anything to Alan Partridge. No one is reading this while Partridge is on anyway! Excellent stuff.
23:29 My time is pretty much up now. I've had fun, I hope some one is still reading this.
WAIT... is this George Michael song a joke? I like him, but this is bad. It's like David Brent!
Anyway, back to Ewar. Goodbye everyone.
Hello Ewar!
======================================================
23:33 Hello Thom, and thankyou for some great blogging! So the circle has come back round to myself, and I'll be here with you until the close of play, which I believe is 1:30am. It better be, anyway, as I'll be watching 'Unsolved Mysteries' on CBS Reality channel at 1:45am. It seems like I've missed a lot - I've not been watching since I cleared off at 20:30 as watching the whole way through would have driven me mad - but there's still a lot to come. First up, here are Elbow. Overrated.
23:41 Well, that was shit. I've never really "got" Elbow.
23:46 Partridge! Excellent. I honestly think the second series of "I'm Alan Partridge" is one of the greatest things that has ever been created.
23:51 Just to clarify - Louie Spence is a stain on society and will be the second person sent off to the camps when I'm Supreme Leader. Can you guess who will be the first?!
23:56 Peter Drury.
00:00 Can't believe I missed that 24 hour panel show thing, looks right up my street. That isn't a joke about David Walliams.
00:06 You'll notice I won't blog as much as I did at the start of the evening. Fatigue plays a part in that - Chris Moyles thinks he had it tough - and also there's going to be lots of stuff repeated soon, as well as lots more of the serious stuff. But I said I'd stick it out to the end, so here we are.
00:10 Gervais! Merchant! Pilkington! BAZINGA! BOSH! Love these fuckers.
00:15 Yeah, they're dragging this out too much. Why not just show it in one continuous form?
00:18 Jon Culshaw impersonating Ross Kemp on a visit to Kellogg's? Why? The real man not available?!
00:23 "I thought Culshaw's impression of Jade Goody was a tad insensitive." - @td_ward
00:33 After a really quite depressing ten minutes, we have The Inbetweeners looking for rude place names. Trying a tad too hard to be "edgy" perhaps, but it's decent.
00:40 Loving the Armstrong and the Miller. Right now, that's all I've got.
00:45 Alan Carr playing up to the fact that he's a homosexual to get laughs. In 2011, this is just really, really sad.
00:54 Not much going on - at the moment it's a serious film with Russell Brand. It does however have a backing of 'Welcome Home' by Radical Face which is a top, top tune, literally.
01:00 Not entirely sure why they need a celebrity version of "Newport State of Mind" but here it is. Oh my god, Howard Marks. Wow.
01:02 JOSIE D'ARBY!
01:04 "You just don't see enough Shakin' Stevens on telly these days." - @Spoony79UK
01:13 Thankyou to the person who landed on my blog after googling "Red Nose Day is shit". In all seriousness, had loads of readers tonight, not entirely sure how many but since 7pm somewhere between 50-100. I don't normally get that many in a week!
01:24 "Axis of Awesome!" These guys are genuinely good, and funny. Reason they've been relegated to this time slot?! C'mon Beeb.
01:29 That was, quite literally, awesome.
01:31 I had it in mind that this thing ended at 1:30am, but it's past that now and it's still going, with a comedy highlight thing to come. But that's it for me.
I wish there wasn't a Comic Relief night, you know. I'm not talking about Lenny Henry when I say that, what I'm saying is that I wish there was no need for it. No need to raise £70m or whatever the final total will be for starving children in Africa, abused children in this country and any other person suffering in any other country.
It's a pipedream, I know. In ten years time they'll be wheeling out Alan Carr again and we'll do it all over again. We'll feel sad and perhaps cry at the videos, and we'll wonder whether there will ever be a day when there would be no need for this night.
Pretty sad, isn't it?
Night.
======================================================
23:33 Hello Thom, and thankyou for some great blogging! So the circle has come back round to myself, and I'll be here with you until the close of play, which I believe is 1:30am. It better be, anyway, as I'll be watching 'Unsolved Mysteries' on CBS Reality channel at 1:45am. It seems like I've missed a lot - I've not been watching since I cleared off at 20:30 as watching the whole way through would have driven me mad - but there's still a lot to come. First up, here are Elbow. Overrated.
23:41 Well, that was shit. I've never really "got" Elbow.
23:46 Partridge! Excellent. I honestly think the second series of "I'm Alan Partridge" is one of the greatest things that has ever been created.
23:51 Just to clarify - Louie Spence is a stain on society and will be the second person sent off to the camps when I'm Supreme Leader. Can you guess who will be the first?!
23:56 Peter Drury.
00:00 Can't believe I missed that 24 hour panel show thing, looks right up my street. That isn't a joke about David Walliams.
00:06 You'll notice I won't blog as much as I did at the start of the evening. Fatigue plays a part in that - Chris Moyles thinks he had it tough - and also there's going to be lots of stuff repeated soon, as well as lots more of the serious stuff. But I said I'd stick it out to the end, so here we are.
00:10 Gervais! Merchant! Pilkington! BAZINGA! BOSH! Love these fuckers.
00:15 Yeah, they're dragging this out too much. Why not just show it in one continuous form?
00:18 Jon Culshaw impersonating Ross Kemp on a visit to Kellogg's? Why? The real man not available?!
00:23 "I thought Culshaw's impression of Jade Goody was a tad insensitive." - @td_ward
00:33 After a really quite depressing ten minutes, we have The Inbetweeners looking for rude place names. Trying a tad too hard to be "edgy" perhaps, but it's decent.
00:40 Loving the Armstrong and the Miller. Right now, that's all I've got.
00:45 Alan Carr playing up to the fact that he's a homosexual to get laughs. In 2011, this is just really, really sad.
00:54 Not much going on - at the moment it's a serious film with Russell Brand. It does however have a backing of 'Welcome Home' by Radical Face which is a top, top tune, literally.
01:00 Not entirely sure why they need a celebrity version of "Newport State of Mind" but here it is. Oh my god, Howard Marks. Wow.
01:02 JOSIE D'ARBY!
01:04 "You just don't see enough Shakin' Stevens on telly these days." - @Spoony79UK
01:13 Thankyou to the person who landed on my blog after googling "Red Nose Day is shit". In all seriousness, had loads of readers tonight, not entirely sure how many but since 7pm somewhere between 50-100. I don't normally get that many in a week!
01:24 "Axis of Awesome!" These guys are genuinely good, and funny. Reason they've been relegated to this time slot?! C'mon Beeb.
01:29 That was, quite literally, awesome.
01:31 I had it in mind that this thing ended at 1:30am, but it's past that now and it's still going, with a comedy highlight thing to come. But that's it for me.
I wish there wasn't a Comic Relief night, you know. I'm not talking about Lenny Henry when I say that, what I'm saying is that I wish there was no need for it. No need to raise £70m or whatever the final total will be for starving children in Africa, abused children in this country and any other person suffering in any other country.
It's a pipedream, I know. In ten years time they'll be wheeling out Alan Carr again and we'll do it all over again. We'll feel sad and perhaps cry at the videos, and we'll wonder whether there will ever be a day when there would be no need for this night.
Pretty sad, isn't it?
Night.
Tuesday, 15 March 2011
Take A Bow, Rebecca Black
Yes indeedy, it's the new sensation that's sweeping it's way across the internet at breathtaking speed!
You may remember I blogged about Justin Bieber a few weeks ago. The awful thing is that the way 'Biebs' was successfully manufactured has not passed others by, so now record companies are trying this trick with other teeny boppers. If they give 50 of them a go, and just 1 pays off and rakes in millions, the fact that the other 49 are awfully shite doesn't really matter.
There is so much I can say about this song/video, but to be honest a) you can probably make your own mind up about it and b) it's causing such a furore that you've probably read everybodys thoughts about it already. Needless to say, it's not great.
Rebecca Black, here's to your 15 minutes of fame dear:
Talking of, well, Friday, I'll be live-blogging Red Nose Day/Night this Friday evening from 7pm.* Make a note of that in your diaries, it should be a lot of fun. Well, probably not, but you know. Please do join me and hopefully some others then!
*Providing death and man-flu stays away.
You may remember I blogged about Justin Bieber a few weeks ago. The awful thing is that the way 'Biebs' was successfully manufactured has not passed others by, so now record companies are trying this trick with other teeny boppers. If they give 50 of them a go, and just 1 pays off and rakes in millions, the fact that the other 49 are awfully shite doesn't really matter.
There is so much I can say about this song/video, but to be honest a) you can probably make your own mind up about it and b) it's causing such a furore that you've probably read everybodys thoughts about it already. Needless to say, it's not great.
Rebecca Black, here's to your 15 minutes of fame dear:
Talking of, well, Friday, I'll be live-blogging Red Nose Day/Night this Friday evening from 7pm.* Make a note of that in your diaries, it should be a lot of fun. Well, probably not, but you know. Please do join me and hopefully some others then!
*Providing death and man-flu stays away.
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