Friday, 18 March 2011

Red Nose Day 2011 Live-Blog Spectacular...AND IT'S LIVE!

16:33 Welcome, wilkommen, and bienvenue, for what should be a scintillating, savage, saucy, sexy and spectacular Comic Relief night, live on Channel 1 of the British Broadcasting Corporation. And rest assured, if I'm live-blogging it, I'll be with you for every step of the way. Or will I?! More on that in a bit.

The first Red Nose Day was in February, 1988. Of course, nowadays so much has changed since then. At that time, Liverpool FC were a fading force, Colonel Gaddafi ruled Libya, and Lenny Henry was about as funny as a dead gran. Whereas nowadays....

Another thing that hasn't changed is the popularity of the day, so over twenty years later, here we all are now, once again. I know what you're thinking - the event doesn't start till 19:00, Ewar! I know that, my friends, but we have a bit to get through before the big kick-off. I'll let you know more in a few minutes. If you're not doing anything or not going out tonight, keep this page open, and join my guests and I for what should be an outstanding night!

Any comments are very much welcomed, as are tweets. Got a tweet you want publishing? Hook me up on the Twitter machine at @ewarwoowar86 if so. How very modern.

17:45 The important stuff:

18:46 So, here we are now. Dinner is done, and we are moments away from the big kick-off. EXCITING NEWS! Things will be a little different for this live-blog, compared to others I've done in the past. I've had a few helpers before, but this time we're to do it in shifts - ie. I'm doing an hour and a half, before Dan takes over. What is also very exciting is that for tonight I'm welcoming a special guest blogger, so please say a big hello to Football365 Forum legend and all-round good egg Thom, who will be joining us later on in the evening. I'm really looking forward to reading his thoughts. You'll pick up the rota as we go along, but just in case you really care enough to want to know what's happening - it's me to begin, then Dan, then Thom, then me.

It is now 18:58, so here we go...

19:00 Starting with Lenny Henry, fucking hell. I can't stand the man. Should he not be watching this on a crappy Premier Inn television somewhere?

19:02 Claudia Winkleman - MILF? Discuss.

Her sister though! Phwoar!

19:04 "All The King's Speech did for the awareness of speech impediments undone by Lenny Henry in less than 2 minutes. Pretty impressive." - Thom aka @PBC13. Told you he was good.

19:06 If I go remarkably quiet, probably means a "serious bit" is on. Impossible to be funny about these bits, and would be stupid to even try. So, yeah.

19:08 By the way, absolutely no love for Michael McIntyre on my Twitter feed right now. I don't think he's terrible, but he's awfully "safe", isn't he? The comic you can imagine your nan liking.

19:12 I've never seen "Outnumbered". One of my friends thinks it's "absolutely shit", another really loves it. Funny old world innit? Anyway, we have an "Outnumbered" special with Andy Murray, not a man known for his humour, although he's doing a decent job here.

19:14 "Are you British or English?" "Depends if I win or not." Boom. Smashed it out of the park right there, fantastic. Even made me LOL.

19:19 Ha, it's time for Doctor Who. Someone who'll be with you later LOVES this programme, whereas I don't. Mind you, this redhead is gorgeous. She's a very solid 8/10.

19:26 "I was blind, now I can see!" says an African woman, presumably whilst listening to "Movin On Up" by Primal Scream on her iPod.


19:33 OMFG IT'S THE WANTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not a clue, to be honest. At least two of them look gay though.

19:35 "Piddle, I missed the first Doctor Who thing. And now I have to hear The Wanted as punishment. Clungebutter." - @vivelesteve

19:43 It's Celebrity Masterchef! With the aforementioned Claudia, Ruby fucking Wax(!!!) and Miranda Hart, who seems to be on EVERYTHING at the moment. They are apparently cooking for the Prime Minister. It's very japes!

19:46 "Gregg from MasterChef looks like an angry egg." - @td_ward

19:51 Helen Skelton doesn't scrub up too badly you know...

20:00 "Here's a song from two members of McFly." Dougie? Ah, no, surprisingly not.

20:03 Scott Mills standing next to Dermot O'Leary there. One is openly gay, the other absolutely isn't. Honest. Absolutely not gay whatsoever. No idea what you mean by "rumours". Dermot O'Leary is 100% absolutely not gay.


20:05 "If Lorraine Kelly gets her knockers out, I'll donate 50p." - my good friend @MitchthePunk there. Not too sure what to say about that.

20:09 Nice bit of upskirt there from Davina McCall.

20:14 I like Miranda Hart, really I do. But when she's on with Louie Spence I hope to God I'm somewhere else. Now we're onto an 'Autumnwatch' skit with Harry Hill!

20:15 And is that Chris Packham?! Blimey. He reminds me of Michaela Strachan, who was certainly worth a WACADAY.

20:17 Sad seeing Shaun Ryder like this, I won't lie. Like Johnny Rotten doing butter adverts.


20:25 Thandie Newton! We've had some honeys tonight, haven't we?

Anyway, that's it from me, for now. After a brief pause, providing I've got all the logistics correct, and all the processors have processed properly, will be my boy Daniel Edmonds aka @spotify_tapes.

Take it away Dan!


20:33 Hello. How are you? It's been a while. You're married now! Wow. Great. David Cameron will be happy to hear that as long as he survives this Miranda Hart meal. Anyway, look forward to an hour and half of my nonsense. After 9 there should be some swearing so something might actually be humorous.

20:44 Hard hitting Eastenders episode thing beset by technical errors. That's live television. While we're waiting let's have a babe top 3 so far: 3) Helen Skelton who walked along a wire 2) Roni Acona who walked across a desert but number 1) is Steve Jones who'd grown a spectacularly rugged beard.

20:55 Everything's gone a bit deep and serious. Without wishing to get too analytical the serious bits have been really good tonight. And whatever you think of Lenny Henry, funny or unfunny, he does a good job with this sort of stuff. Fair play to him.

21:05 If this is a film about the effects of drugs, including alcohol, I think the kids are getting pissed on more than a bitesize can of Skol. This is a bit too depressing if I'm honest. Makes Michael McIntyre passable. Bring back the funnies.

21:08 That Eastenders thing was really, really, really ineffective. Christ, I feel like smoking some stuff myself now after that.

21:14 Here's Dermot O'Leary! A man who is definitely not gay. As we clarified earlier. Definitely not. Oh and here come Take That with their experimental new song.

21:33 Ant & Dec are appearing on as many TV shows as possible here. 900,000 people watch the Alan Titchmarsh Show and 1.2 million people watch Loose Women. That's an estimate of just over 2,000,000 stupid wankers.

21:44 As if further proof were needed Peter Kay has lost whatever it was he had. And Susan Boyle as well. Why? Just why? There has been absolutely no funny content within this segment. I feel like bawling my eyes out. Either that or stabbing them with a fork.

21:54 While Adele is crooning away, I'll sign off. It's not been a particularly funny night, but it's been a fairly emotive one. The videos have been superb which more than makes up for the lack of comedy. That's what we're all here for, right? Thom is up next, you can catch him on twitter over at @PBC13. He's a goodun. Switch over to BBC2 now!


22:00 Hello everyone! Look! My first half hour is on BBC2, that makes me alternative. Hurrah. Sadly though I am going to have to stomach Robbie Williams for a little while apparently. Cruel.

22:05 I think that Take That sketch might have been funny. I find hard to focus on anything other than blind rage when Williams is around. Sorry about that.
In other news I'd like to add; Lenny, Lenny, Len!

22:10 Lenny, Lenny, Len just walked on hot coals and swore. Shit just got real! Oh look! Here is Miranda and one of the countries many Louie Spence's.

22:16 And here he is! Spence! Ewar loves him, he does. Loves him to pieces.
I hope the fella out of JLS does a backflip, love all that.

22: 19 My favourite JLS is the one who looks like he has a thyroid complaint. Like a black Marty Feldman he is.

22:21 Steve Jones Fact: I once had a piss next to him at London Zoo. Also as pointed out earlier, he does have a lovely rugged beard.

22:28 Chefs singing Rick Astley is happening on the television. One of said chefs is Rusty Lee. What can you say about that really?

22: 35 This seems like some kind of elaborate punishment. Perhaps these chefs have done something wrong to deserve it.
It's Rick Astley. No one expected that. NO ONE! NO ONE I TELL YOU!

22:42 I like James Corden. I know that might be controversial to some, but it's true. Please stay with me though. By the way we are on BBC1 now. I've hit the big time! And here's George Michael. I consider myself a George Michaelist(I like him is what that means)

"You're a joke George, Comic Relief is about helping people like you!"

I like this. It's funny.

22:49 This is excellent! I love it. Bonus Keira Knightley as well. I am all for that. I'd like to touch her.

22:59 I think I have got the best of the night so far! Some funny stuff in the last hour. And the serious films seem to have had a lot of impact this year, even more so than usual.

23:09 This Downton Abbey sketch has got gradually more funny. Also Tim Vine is in it, I once played in a Christian 5-A-Side tournament against him. Very surreal! I'm not even religious!

23:15 Lenny and Fearne have been replaced by Jonathan Ross and "Claudia Winkey-Man" as I think Lenny, Lenny, Len called her. I think I am being replaced soon too. This blog is soon to be back in the arms of it's loving parent and Louie Spence mega-fan, Mr Ewar Woowar.

23:21 Annie Lennox has just tweeted to say she will be performing live at around midnight. If I didn't know that I would have guessed that. That woman loves charity almost as much as she loves androgyny and synth-pop.
I am quite enjoying the blokes from The Inbetweeners looking for rude place names. I once drove past a place on the way to Manchester called Pimbo. Not rude, but quite funny all the same!


23:25 I am not going to be able to add anything to Alan Partridge. No one is reading this while Partridge is on anyway! Excellent stuff.

23:29 My time is pretty much up now. I've had fun, I hope some one is still reading this.
WAIT... is this George Michael song a joke? I like him, but this is bad. It's like David Brent!

Anyway, back to Ewar. Goodbye everyone.

Hello Ewar!


23:33 Hello Thom, and thankyou for some great blogging! So the circle has come back round to myself, and I'll be here with you until the close of play, which I believe is 1:30am. It better be, anyway, as I'll be watching 'Unsolved Mysteries' on CBS Reality channel at 1:45am. It seems like I've missed a lot - I've not been watching since I cleared off at 20:30 as watching the whole way through would have driven me mad - but there's still a lot to come. First up, here are Elbow. Overrated.

23:41 Well, that was shit. I've never really "got" Elbow.

23:46 Partridge! Excellent. I honestly think the second series of "I'm Alan Partridge" is one of the greatest things that has ever been created.

23:51 Just to clarify - Louie Spence is a stain on society and will be the second person sent off to the camps when I'm Supreme Leader. Can you guess who will be the first?!

23:56 Peter Drury.

00:00 Can't believe I missed that 24 hour panel show thing, looks right up my street. That isn't a joke about David Walliams.

00:06 You'll notice I won't blog as much as I did at the start of the evening. Fatigue plays a part in that - Chris Moyles thinks he had it tough - and also there's going to be lots of stuff repeated soon, as well as lots more of the serious stuff. But I said I'd stick it out to the end, so here we are.

00:10 Gervais! Merchant! Pilkington! BAZINGA! BOSH! Love these fuckers.

00:15 Yeah, they're dragging this out too much. Why not just show it in one continuous form?

00:18 Jon Culshaw impersonating Ross Kemp on a visit to Kellogg's? Why? The real man not available?!

00:23 "I thought Culshaw's impression of Jade Goody was a tad insensitive." - @td_ward

00:33 After a really quite depressing ten minutes, we have The Inbetweeners looking for rude place names. Trying a tad too hard to be "edgy" perhaps, but it's decent.

00:40 Loving the Armstrong and the Miller. Right now, that's all I've got.

00:45 Alan Carr playing up to the fact that he's a homosexual to get laughs. In 2011, this is just really, really sad.

00:54 Not much going on - at the moment it's a serious film with Russell Brand. It does however have a backing of 'Welcome Home' by Radical Face which is a top, top tune, literally.

01:00 Not entirely sure why they need a celebrity version of "Newport State of Mind" but here it is. Oh my god, Howard Marks. Wow.


01:04 "You just don't see enough Shakin' Stevens on telly these days." - @Spoony79UK

01:13 Thankyou to the person who landed on my blog after googling "Red Nose Day is shit". In all seriousness, had loads of readers tonight, not entirely sure how many but since 7pm somewhere between 50-100. I don't normally get that many in a week!

01:24 "Axis of Awesome!" These guys are genuinely good, and funny. Reason they've been relegated to this time slot?! C'mon Beeb.

01:29 That was, quite literally, awesome.

01:31 I had it in mind that this thing ended at 1:30am, but it's past that now and it's still going, with a comedy highlight thing to come. But that's it for me.

I wish there wasn't a Comic Relief night, you know. I'm not talking about Lenny Henry when I say that, what I'm saying is that I wish there was no need for it. No need to raise £70m or whatever the final total will be for starving children in Africa, abused children in this country and any other person suffering in any other country.

It's a pipedream, I know. In ten years time they'll be wheeling out Alan Carr again and we'll do it all over again. We'll feel sad and perhaps cry at the videos, and we'll wonder whether there will ever be a day when there would be no need for this night.

Pretty sad, isn't it?


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