In fact, it's been a bad year, and it's only got worse. It seems lately that everybody is shitting on me, and making me out to be a bad guy. I don't think I am, although now I'm doubting myself.
My bad year started in January, funnily enough. After recovering from the noro virus, I had a clear plan in my mind. I had been going crazy over a girl at my uni for a few months, and so I decided to gamble and ask her out. Amazingly, she said yes, and the date went okay-ish. I wasn't great, was too wracked with nerves to be funny or charming, but I didn't feel it had been a disaster.
Once she had departed on her bus, I walked to the train station to get the train home, and on it I sat down across from a former teacher of mine, and someone I admire and respect. He asked me how I was, and suddenly a real burst of happiness hit me, for the first time in a long, long time. I grinned and told him I was doing great. And I was.
I had left a job that, towards the end, I hated. I was loving uni. I had made some decent friends. I had experienced the holiday of a lifetime with a mate in the US. And I had met the girl I thought was perfect for me, and *gasp* had actually spoken to her. Life was good.
And then it all went a bit wrong, and on February 14th she emailed me to say she wasn't interested. Happy Valentine's Day! I know she'll be reading this. It's not your fault I've had a shit year, and please don't think I'm blaming you in any way. I just need to vent tonight.
University lost it's lustre. Essays and reading became a chore, and I stopped going to lectures, a decision partly caused by a German pillock of a lecturer who clearly wishes the Motherland was still being led by that chap with the moustache.
Twitter became a problem. One night some guy who I had become "online friends" with overreacted to something I said and called me a moron. I was pissed off so I and a friend said offensive things about him, and I let him have both barrells. He blocked me. Probably fair, that one. But now tonight, a friend of his thought I had insulted her, after I had jokingly called her "a weirdo" for writing essays on paper and not typed on a computer. She's now blocked me and told me to "fuck off". Not fair, really, that one.
I don't know if you'll read this Helene, but if you do - I meant that in a jokey way, I wasn't trying to insult you at all. I'm sorry if you were offended.
Also tonight I've also had an argument with my parents. I'll be honest, this happens about once a month anyway, but tonight it just seems more raw and more vicious than before. So, as you've probably guessed, I feel very down tonight, and I feel like telling someone to wake me up when 2010 starts, so I can leave this year behind for good.
I've never felt like I'm a bad person. Most of the time I'm placid and quiet, but I have a streak in me that when the red mist comes down, I find it impossible not to lash out, and can't hold my tongue. The rest of the time, I'm horrified if I ever offend anyone, and never look for trouble.
Like I said at the top, I just feel like everyone is ganging up on me, and it's me fighting the tide on my own all the time.
Probably best if I stop now, although I still don't feel much better after typing all this. Thanks for reading, if you do, anyway. If you don't think I'm a dick, thankyou. If you do, I'm tired of arguing. Maybe you are right.
Sorry to hear you have been having such a bad time. Everyone seems very stressed at Uni at the moment, you are not alone, - people may be lashing out at you for this reason. There are thousands of fit girls at Uni, so don’t give up hope, – try and find some enjoyment in things again, and good luck!
ReplyDeleteHey, man. Sounds like a brother needs some help. Obviously the first part is a biggie. Every male messes things up with women usually pretty spectacularly, God knows I have (once in a blue moon, mind) but with your feelings and the other issues you are dealing with currently it has gained a bigger magnitude.
ReplyDeleteThe other two should be forgotten about. Him, especially. Lets be fair, he was a condescending twit and some of the things he said himself were a bit suspect. Admittedly, he didn't deserve having chucked at him the things that were said but I'm pretty sure he doesn't fret about it every night.
So, I suppose what I'm trying to say is life moves on. No-one expects you to drop everything and pick up a new outlook straight away. It's a process of taking the rough with the smooth, I'd assume, and this is a bastard of a wave that will come to pass eventually.
Now you might magnify the small things and multiply them with the big things but in years to come we'll sit down with a glass of port with a fit girl from Uni (currently they're hiding from me but I trust Sue) on each of our arms in a small bohemian cafe in Boston and Dido will come on over the sound system. And the world will be alright again.
Hi Ewar. These things tend to come in clumps - perhaps because if a couple of things make you unhappy, other things are magnified. Forget the Twitter stuff - if you only communicate in short texts, they aren't friends.
ReplyDeleteAs to the other stuff - it'll pass. Do the things you enjoy, accept that you can't control everything.
Thankyou all, you are very kind.
ReplyDeleteI was feeling particularly down when I wrote all that on Monday evening, and I needed to vent. And it was cold, and wet, and miserable.
I'm feeling a bit happier now, and so I've taken Vole's advice and doing the things I enjoy. Currently I'm writing...an essay...on John Milt...
OH NOES!