Monday, 9 November 2009

Fuck My Life

Oh dear readers, it's been a bad day for Ewar today.

In fact, it's been a bad year, and it's only got worse. It seems lately that everybody is shitting on me, and making me out to be a bad guy. I don't think I am, although now I'm doubting myself.

My bad year started in January, funnily enough. After recovering from the noro virus, I had a clear plan in my mind. I had been going crazy over a girl at my uni for a few months, and so I decided to gamble and ask her out. Amazingly, she said yes, and the date went okay-ish. I wasn't great, was too wracked with nerves to be funny or charming, but I didn't feel it had been a disaster.

Once she had departed on her bus, I walked to the train station to get the train home, and on it I sat down across from a former teacher of mine, and someone I admire and respect. He asked me how I was, and suddenly a real burst of happiness hit me, for the first time in a long, long time. I grinned and told him I was doing great. And I was.

I had left a job that, towards the end, I hated. I was loving uni. I had made some decent friends. I had experienced the holiday of a lifetime with a mate in the US. And I had met the girl I thought was perfect for me, and *gasp* had actually spoken to her. Life was good.

And then it all went a bit wrong, and on February 14th she emailed me to say she wasn't interested. Happy Valentine's Day! I know she'll be reading this. It's not your fault I've had a shit year, and please don't think I'm blaming you in any way. I just need to vent tonight.

University lost it's lustre. Essays and reading became a chore, and I stopped going to lectures, a decision partly caused by a German pillock of a lecturer who clearly wishes the Motherland was still being led by that chap with the moustache.

Twitter became a problem. One night some guy who I had become "online friends" with overreacted to something I said and called me a moron. I was pissed off so I and a friend said offensive things about him, and I let him have both barrells. He blocked me. Probably fair, that one. But now tonight, a friend of his thought I had insulted her, after I had jokingly called her "a weirdo" for writing essays on paper and not typed on a computer. She's now blocked me and told me to "fuck off". Not fair, really, that one.

I don't know if you'll read this Helene, but if you do - I meant that in a jokey way, I wasn't trying to insult you at all. I'm sorry if you were offended.

Also tonight I've also had an argument with my parents. I'll be honest, this happens about once a month anyway, but tonight it just seems more raw and more vicious than before. So, as you've probably guessed, I feel very down tonight, and I feel like telling someone to wake me up when 2010 starts, so I can leave this year behind for good.

I've never felt like I'm a bad person. Most of the time I'm placid and quiet, but I have a streak in me that when the red mist comes down, I find it impossible not to lash out, and can't hold my tongue. The rest of the time, I'm horrified if I ever offend anyone, and never look for trouble.
Like I said at the top, I just feel like everyone is ganging up on me, and it's me fighting the tide on my own all the time.

Probably best if I stop now, although I still don't feel much better after typing all this. Thanks for reading, if you do, anyway. If you don't think I'm a dick, thankyou. If you do, I'm tired of arguing. Maybe you are right.


  1. Sorry to hear you have been having such a bad time. Everyone seems very stressed at Uni at the moment, you are not alone, - people may be lashing out at you for this reason. There are thousands of fit girls at Uni, so don’t give up hope, – try and find some enjoyment in things again, and good luck!

  2. Hey, man. Sounds like a brother needs some help. Obviously the first part is a biggie. Every male messes things up with women usually pretty spectacularly, God knows I have (once in a blue moon, mind) but with your feelings and the other issues you are dealing with currently it has gained a bigger magnitude.

    The other two should be forgotten about. Him, especially. Lets be fair, he was a condescending twit and some of the things he said himself were a bit suspect. Admittedly, he didn't deserve having chucked at him the things that were said but I'm pretty sure he doesn't fret about it every night.

    So, I suppose what I'm trying to say is life moves on. No-one expects you to drop everything and pick up a new outlook straight away. It's a process of taking the rough with the smooth, I'd assume, and this is a bastard of a wave that will come to pass eventually.

    Now you might magnify the small things and multiply them with the big things but in years to come we'll sit down with a glass of port with a fit girl from Uni (currently they're hiding from me but I trust Sue) on each of our arms in a small bohemian cafe in Boston and Dido will come on over the sound system. And the world will be alright again.

  3. Hi Ewar. These things tend to come in clumps - perhaps because if a couple of things make you unhappy, other things are magnified. Forget the Twitter stuff - if you only communicate in short texts, they aren't friends.

    As to the other stuff - it'll pass. Do the things you enjoy, accept that you can't control everything.

  4. Thankyou all, you are very kind.

    I was feeling particularly down when I wrote all that on Monday evening, and I needed to vent. And it was cold, and wet, and miserable.

    I'm feeling a bit happier now, and so I've taken Vole's advice and doing the things I enjoy. Currently I'm essay...on John Milt...

    OH NOES!