Wednesday, 28 October 2009

Step Up to the Plate

That title reminds me that the World Series starts tonight, so much excitement abounds in the Woowar mind. It promises to be the most exciting World Series since I've started watching baseball, and so over the next few days I'll be getting about 3 hours sleep each night and binging on crisps, chocolate and cola.

HOWEVER, this isn't a baseball post, luckily for you. No, the title is a reflection on a comment O Cynical One left me a while back now. After looking at another barmy letter into my local newspaper, he suggested I "go national" and get a hold of The Metro paper. So yesterday, I did - I stole one off a train. I am a disgrace.

I'll be honest, the letters page is a bit disappointing, and in yesterday's edition there's only one letter that's a bit crazy, and it's not very long either. However, we can use it. It's time for Ewarwoowar to go national - step forward Steve from Edinburgh!

The mainstream political parties must love Nick Griffin MEP.

Steven, Steven, Steven. Steven McHaggis. Listen to you. You really think the mainstream political parties like this guy, and what he stands for? Seriously?

Let me assure you, they don't. I can only think that you've said that just because you're about to link it in with something entirely unrelated, say, expenses.

Let's face it, he has single-handedly managed to take the heat off them and the expenses scandal.

I amaze myself sometimes.

Anyone remember that?

Well, yes.

Call him what you will...

Really? Thanks! I think he's an appalling fucking cunt.

...but is he really any worse than those so-called honourable members ripping us off at every turn and continually treating us with contempt?

Yes he is. Can't believe I even have to say it.

Look, I hate to bang on about Jo Swinson, but as she talks to me on Twitter and I quite fancy her, I will. She "tweeted" the other day (how modern!) telling her followers that her 'Legg letter' had arrived, and she was one of the MPs who committed no wrongdoing - in her words, she had got "the all clear". We all know some MPs have been naughty, but it annoys me when people tar them with the same brush. There are lots of MPs who go into the job because they feel they can make a difference. Now, they are stupid thinking that, but their intentions are honest, and they are good, honest, hard-working people. The expenses thing happened - but it's time to cast a line under it and move on.

That's pretty much it for the letters page kids. However, I then thought I would flick through the rest of The Metro, and suddenly I got excited. Because this paper is an absolute goldmine for nonsense. I could barely contain my glee reading it.

I don't have enough space here to analyse all the shit I read, so I'm going to pick just one article I particularly enjoyed. See what you think. Please step forward, Tom Phillips!

And so we enter the inevitable, soul-destroying countdown to Christmas.

I was thinking about the bad moments of my past year. Here's the list so far:

1) Psychological problems.
2) The girl I'm crazy about not being interested in me.
3) Getting the Noro Virus.
4) Gerrard, Torres and company.
5) Failing a Uni module.
103,567) The countdown to Christmas.

Hardly soul-destroying.

It's at this special time when the entire world turns out to remind you that you're rubbish at buying presents for the ones you love - and thus barely qualify as a human being.

Never happened to me, to be honest. Maybe you are just rubbish.

But if you'd like to stave off another Christmas Eve at the petrol station forecourt wondering if Uncle Brian would like a discount CD featuring pan pipe covers of Bee Gee tunes,

He wouldn't. If you are that desperate, he would prefer a Ginsters pastie, I reckon.

you really should have a look at the rather excellent School of Everything.

Tell me about it please!

It's a website that helps match up people who have a skill they can teach with people who want to learn -

Splendid information, thanks.

sort of like a dating website, but for knowledge instead of sex.

But it will end up with sex, let's be honest.

And they've recently introduced a new gift feature that allows you to buy lessons for someone else. Lessons being offered range from improving your memory,

That will end in intercourse.

to bread-making

That will end in intercourse.

to learning how to tango

Particularly that.

to improving your memory.

You've already sai...oh. Tres drole.

And many first lessons are half-price.

And end in sex.

There's even a lesson in how to use Twitter

It's not that difficult.

which is almost certainly exactly what Great Aunt Hilda has been hoping you'll get her.

No it's not. Tom, I can't help thinking that you are actually a bit rubbish when it comes to presents - you don't seem to know your relatives very well anyway. Get Uncle Brian a pastie, get Great Aunt Hilda a warm blanket and some flowers and be done with it.

Note to myself - get hold of a copy of The Metro every day. That shit is awesome.


  1. Metro is a distillation of the world's worst journalism. This post made me laugh out loud though.

  2. Ah the Metro. As you say that shit is awesome. My favourite thing (currently) about the Metro is the fact that about half of their stories are sourced from Facebook. That or the texts on the letters page that are almost uniformly moronic. Or the cartoons, that in what, 10 years? have not made me smile once let alone laugh. Just the most painfully unfunny cartoons you will ever see. Or...or...or

    oh it is all so good.