It's been an age since I've done one of these, so let's have another whirl for old time's sake. FAO the nutters who write letters into The Shropshire Star - let's be having you.
PS. The first letter featured here is the best letter I've seen for a long, long time.
I watched David Cameron on TV asking the people to make him PM.
One sentence in and I'm already confused. David Cameron? "Make him PM"? What the bloody hell has he been doing for the last few years then? Or did this letter get lost in the post?
The alarm bells in my head rang a warning.
You're telling me.
I told people if they made him PM they would be crying. This country is in debt so how can he give India £280,000m annually for four years?
One thing I've noticed having read these letter pages for an excruciatingly long period of time is just how worked up people get over the whole foreign aid thing. Honestly, it doesn't bother me that much. Yes, tough economic times etc, and I accept that, but I wonder whether people actually stop and think about why governments do these things. Do people really believe they chuck money at other countries just for a laugh? Aside from foreign aid though, the #1 thing that Shropshire Star letter writers get upset by is of course...
Then there is the EU.
It takes our money which we can put to better use.
By handing it to India!
I don't see other countries queuing to give us money. They say a leader should look after his/her people not take their money and give it away.
Standard letter writing fare, this, but I have good news for you - it's about to get nice and nutty.
Heaven is not a nice place for the rich.
Odd statement. How would you know, for a start? Is there a test at The Pearly Gates? Will I have to empty my pockets?
It is nothing like we are told (sic) or dream it is.
I've no fucking idea what you're going on about, but the question still stands - how would you know?
I died and went there
- and what I saw?
Poor people are well looked after.
This letter isn't as nuts as the ones I usually pick out - particularly in comparison to that one above - but the way it hops around from person to person before talking about a criminal investigation just made me laugh so here goes.
Harry the people's choice as new England boss?
He's the media's choice, because he can't resist winding his car window down and having a natter with the waiting ensemble.
But hopefully Harry Redknapp is too sharp to take the job that any sensible Premier League manager would run a mile from.
This sentence is really good stuff, in terms of all-round nonsense, but particularly for the phrase "hopefully Harry Redknapp is too sharp" which is something I thought I'd never read. Anywhere.
Daniel Levy has supported Harry all the way through his recent trial and it is not only the chairman of Tottenham who has supported him.
Other Premier League managers and, of course, the Spurs fans who have seen Harry raise their football club from near the bottom of the table to where they are now - third in the Premier League - have also been supporters.
The league table thing is a bit of a red herring. When Harry was appointed Spurs were performing dreadfully - true. But nobody expected them to be near the bottom of the table at the end of the season once Ramos was fucked off and Harry came in. Point I'm trying to make - Harry has done well there, certainly, but it hasn't been a messianic rise from the abyss.
Quick note on Harry - he's a good manager. Not a great one, but a good one. He's the perfect man to bring in when the previous manager has ballsed up and fallen out with the players, as Harry knows he can put an arm around them and get them playing for him. Tactically he's not very good, frankly, and as such he's really limited in how far he can take clubs. And of course he does like spending money on players. England manager material? Not for me.
Would he have had that support as England boss or would it have been a case of goodbye Harry?
Funny one that, really. The press love to destroy an England manager, but they also love Harry.
ANYWAY. Get crazy, quick.
The way Fabio Capello was got rid of leaves a nasty taste in the mouth.
It wasn't handled very well, but hey, that's the FA for you.
Why the FA could not be honest and say he was rubbish as England manager as results have not been good enough?
Because that clearly would not be the case. I refuse to believe anyone can justifiably say re. Capello and England that "results have not been good enough". Yes, the defeat to Germany at the World Cup wasn't very good, I'll be the first to tell you that. But this smacks of the horrible "Wahhh he's not English" attitude which morons like to peddle out at every possible opportunity.
The problem with football today is that it is too political. John Terry is perceived as being racist without a thing being proved and what if Mr Terry is innocent? The witch-hunters at the top of the English football will search for someone else to burn at the stake.
In my opinion the FA got that one right, and Capello was wrong, but I'm tired of you now so let's move on.
Yes, yes, whatever. Wish these people would stop bigging themselves up, Christ. Just once can we have a few fake names sprinkled onto the letters page? Would an "Ivor Biggun" from Shrewsbury really be so awful?
I congratulate the Roman Catholic Bishop of Shrewsbury for his fierce defence of our traditional values.
I think we all know where this one is going.
The Right Reverend Mark Davies has said the Government's plans to legalise same-sex marriage would represent 'nothing less than a seismic shift in the foundations of our society.'
B) Is that a bad thing? This idiot takes this statement as such, but now that I twiddle my thumbs and ponder...in 1950s USA the Deep South was staggeringly racist. Separate facilities for whites and blacks, racist lynchings, public transport issues etc etc. Sixty years on, some people in those areas are still racist, I know, but through the hard work of the Civil Rights movement et al the situation has got better, right? Crude example - down in New Orleans, Louisiana, a black man such as Pierre Thomas plays in their NFL team alongside a white man, Drew Brees, and the vast majority of people don't give a shit. Why would they?
Has there not been a "seismic shift in the foundations of (their) society" then? And has that not actually been a thoroughly positive thing?
The politically-correct bullies and political charlatans such as David Cameron have had their way for far too long.
Place your bets now - pompous idiot, or out-and-out wind up merchant?
Now is the time for the silent majority to stand up for their rights too.
I'll happily bet you £10 that the "silent majority" don't give a shit.
You're going on the list.
One final one because I'm tired and want to go and watch the cricket.
What a shame it will be if Mr Salmond succeeds in his ambition to separate the English and Scottish nations.
There's lots of interesting arguments on this one - from both sides of the table. Let's see what John here thinks.
We will no longer be able to go into a pub, or on to a bus or tram without the amusement of being able to listen to a Scottish voice whinging and complaining about anything from the cost of toilet paper, the price of beer to council services.
One thing is certain though, they will no happier with their own government than with that in Westminster.
Without wanting to sound like the cabbie in 'Private Eye' - I met a Scottish person once. Very nice man.
Until next time kids!