You want a really shoddy, pathetic, basic and ill-thought out review of the year? Of course you do! And who better to give it to you than me, Mr Ewar Woowar!
(I criticised someone yesterday for starting a sentence with the word "And" and then I go and write that. Ha.)
Anyway, Letsby Avenue!
Man of the Year - Jeremy Clarkson
We have a lot to thank Maggie T for, you know, particularly when it came to the bully boy trade unions. Oh yes, they didn't like it when she crushed them under her stiletto, did they? Poor old Ricky Tomlinson and the like soon realised that whacking people with baseball bats wasn't going to change a thing with The Iron Lady in charge!
Ahem. Sadly Maggie is no longer with us - she isn't dead (yet) just conveniently out of the way - and the trade unions have slithered their way back into prominence. Have they changed? One look at Bob Crow - genuinely one of the worst people of all time - should give you your answer. But fear not! Because finally there is resistance, and it comes in the form of my god. My deity. The saviour of the BBC. CLARKSON.
It takes a real man to announce, live on TV, that people on strike should be shot in front of their families. It takes a real man to attach a toilet to his vehicle whilst driving around India, in preparation of the dreaded "Delhi Belly". It takes a real man to say words like "torque", "revs" and "grrrrrrrr".
O Clarkson! My Clarkson!
Woman of the Year - Liz Jones
A horrible woman, a mentally ill woman, or a fantastic comedy creation that has us all fooled? The Daily Mail's Liz Jones could be any of those things, and in 2011 she ramped up her game to an impressive level. Every week there seemed to be yet another astonishing and bewildering column from Liz, but two in particular really stand out. Firstly, her piece on Joanna Yeates's murder will live long in the memory, especially the section where she takes time to break away from the horror of the crime committed and complain that the veggie burger (FFS) she ordered in the bar Joanna was in the night of her death came "without the burger - and without the bun!"
Secondly, who can forget her vivid description of going into her bathroom and "sperm-stealing" from her partner? Wonderfully candid and honest, you have to admire Liz for her forthright views, her sincerity and her magnificence. Why aren't more journalists like her, you wonder?
Band of the Year - Westlife
For having the guts to call it quits. We'll miss you boys.
Record of the Year - "Good Feeling" by Massa Chussetts
I genuinely think that's the only record I've heard this year. When is Elvis coming back, FFS? I'm bored of all this shit modern stuff.
Quote of the Year - Mohamed Al Fayed
"Football fans love it. If some stupid fans don't understand and appreciate such a gift, they can go to hell."
Yer man Al Fayed on erecting a Michael Jackson statue at a football ground. Seriously.
Sportsperson of the Year - Novak Djokovic
Finally, the Serb ditched the japes and the impressions, realising instead that whilst the comedy can wait, the tennis couldn't. Before he got hurt, Novak dominated, winning three out of the four grand slam events and losing a handful of games all year long. Outstanding.
TV Moment of the Year - Adrian Lewis's 9-darter in the World Championship Final
Immense, immense dartistry.
Worst TV Show of the Year - Big Brother
Kill it now, please.
Sorry To See You Leave Us In 2011
Sir Jimmy Savile
Nick Clegg's political career
Best Advert of 2011 - John Lewis
Love it? Hate it? Doesn't matter. You know what it is, so it's a huge success.
Chump of the Year - Nick Clegg
Most Pointless Letter Writer of the Year - Val Duncan
More EU-bashing to come in 2012, you fear.
Best Photo of the Year - Jawad Laouira
Congratulations to Jawad for this very impressive photograph. The perspective, the shades of light and dark, the calming background - everything about it is simply splendid:
Blog of the Year - Cynical Ben
For the second time, Cynical Ben wins the accolade for my favourite blog of the year. "Who the fudge is Benjamin Judge" is a triumph, even if it is WordPress. I feel 2012 could be an exciting year for The Cynical One.
Twat of the Year - Nick Clegg
Football Moment of the Year - #19
Goal of the Year - Wayne Rooney
Hottie of the Year - Kate Upton
UK News Story of the Year - Murdoch/Millie Dowler/Phone Hacking etc
The Leveson Enquiry is strangely addictive viewing.
Man Most Nervous About 2012 - Nicholas Sarzoky
Or is it David Cameron?!
Film of the Year - Moneyball
Not seen it, but it's a film about the second best sports book of all time, and apparently it's great, so that's amazing and cool.
2012 Resolution - Kick start "Project Renford", get my own personal website up and running
Farewell, then, 2011. It's been emotional.